Daughter in law and husbands mother in law relationships

Time your husband stopped jumping through hoops, then. No-one can control him if he doesn't want to be controlled. If he is happy going on holiday with them without you twice a year, that is his own decision, he could have said he wasn't leaving you behind.

When you felt insulted and vowed never to step into their house again, you set the seal on the bad relationship between you and her. She probably felt just as insulted at your reaction as you did at the insult.

You both sound pretty huffy and quickly angered to me, and you are pulling your busband two ways at once. I hope he (and your children) never have to choose between you - one of you will be very hurt by his choice.

Presumably your husband agreed to go!! Her behaviour is unkind but the responsibility to you lies with him! Sorry if I sound harsh but it us not that I am unsympathetic to your hurt. Just that I think you need to focus less on blaming her entirely and more on his part in this mess!

Has she Really retaliated ? Or has she taken you at your word . You plainly want nothing to do with you so she's giving you what you wanted.

You can't really expect her to include you or send you presents . Do you send to her ? You sound like uou want it all ways

Maybe extend an olive branch ....or get over your strop .

You sound two of a kind.

It sounds as if your mil is giving you what you asked. What do you want differently?

I agree with everyone else.

Sparkle, I'm sorry there is trouble between you and mil. How awful that she was rude to you that time, etc!

But if you don't want to be around her, I see no harm in dh and the kids visiting her without you. Going on holiday with her is another thing, imo. You and dh are a couple, and he shouldn't be going off with his mum, while leaving you at home alone. I'm not saying he should insist on your being included on these trips - neither you or mil would enjoy that, lol. I just think he should decline these invitations. Your problem is with him, dear, not her.

But have you let him know you object to his going? If you haven't, that part's on you. Imo, you really need to sit down and talk to him about this and stop blaming mil.

Oh, excuse me, I misread. Your children are adults who visit mil on their own. Dh goes on trips with her and her dh, but no kids are involved. Basically, my reaction is the same though.

I'm sorry she didn't contact you in the hospital. But tbf, maybe she thought that's the last thing you wanted. Or she has never been a fan of yours (and that's why she was rude to you, etc.), so you shouldn't have expected it.

What if it were the other way around? What if mil got angry at you and decided she didn't want to see you anymore? Would you continue to try to include her in family activities? Send her gifts or ask about her? Invite her on holiday? Do you do it now, being that you're angry at her? Please don't expect her to do for you what you wouldn't dream of doing for her.

I still think it's a mistake for dh to go on holiday with her and leave you behind. But that's because you he was supposed to "leave" her and "cleave to his wife," as the Bible says. Maybe he doesn't believe that way, of course. As I said above, you and he need to talk this out.

Perhaps you should make an attempt to repair things with your MIL. Go and see her and say you want to change the unhappy way things have gone. It will need love, patience,humility and determination on both sides. But you all have so much to gain.

I'm a bit confused. Oh don't want anything to do with her but also want gifts?
You can't have it both ways.

Also your husband and children are adults. And individuals. And unless your MiL is truly vile then you need to accept they can manae their own relationships separately from you.

I have recently taken a stand against my MiL and she now (thanks to my DH) knows exactly what I think of her.
If she tries to send me gifts for my birthday i will be returning them. I do not want any relationship with her at all.
My husband is free to do what he wants away from me however he has said he's done with her. We shall see. He's old enough to make his own decisions.

So at last I understand the reason for Bibbity`s posts aimed at estranged parents from a few weeks ago

What are you talking about?
What happened started and ended in the space of 24 hours. I've never liked her but now I can say I'm done.

if you want to discuss a specific post then have the lady balls to quote me and ask me about it. Not make some pathetic PA on a completely separate thread.

Lady balls! I've heard everything now.Bad enough having fat thighs chafing in hot weather.

Bibbity. I have to agree with Eddiecat

It came across quite clearly in your posts ( going back a few weeks/months) on the Estrangement threads that you clearly had a 'thing' with MIL's.

Although you say 'it all happened in the space of 24 hours' you go on to say that you've never liked her.

Not judging you, just saying it comes as no surprise that you had a MIL issue.

Yeah, Bibbity, even though you may not have been co from mil till very recently, it looks like you have been on the verge of it for a while. Also, apparently, your dh has been upset with his mum for a while, too. So it's understandable if you tend to side with eac and ecil.

But that means we're often getting the view from "the other side," ladies. Is there any harm in that? I feel deeply for my co friends and think that going lc would have been a better solution than cutting them off so completely. But "hearing" the level of frustration in Bibbity's posts in this thread makes me wonder... Were my friends ac and cil at a point of no return when they decided to go nc?

I'm NOT saying that this was the cases with any of the egps here. I know there are other reasons cos happen, etc. I'm just saying that, reading Bibbity's posts, I can see where in some cases, there may be a "last straw" that seriously "breaks the camels back."

Bibbity said: "If she tries to send me gifts for my birthday i will be returning them. I do not want any relationship with her at all."

I was wondering about this, Op. If you're so done with your mil, why would you want gifts from her?

Oh, but wait... You didn't say you're "so done with" mil, those are my words. What you said was "I vowed to myself never to step in their house again!"

But it's not her house that caused the problem, is it? It's her or your relationship with her. Imo, you need to be clear in your mind what kind of relationship you want with her if any - nc? lc? or what? And then, you have to be consistent and not try to "have your cake and eat it too."

All I can say is...never be the MIL you've had. Treat all your children and their spouses fairly, even if you may not agree with some of their choices. By doing this, you will always have a good favor with your "in law" children. Don't be a hated MIL but a loved and cherished one.

You're obviously hurt that your mum in law seems to have totally cut you out, but unless that isn't what you wanted, really, I dont see the issue
Your husband going on holiday with his mum seems rather thoughtless, but that's a whole other issue.
Couldn't you think about making amends and starting again with your MIL? Life is very short..

Excellent advice in theory damewithaname - but impossible to carry out if your DIL does not want to have a relationship with you

Hear Hear Damewithaname!!

My MiL was lovely & so are both my DiLs. I am very lucky but even so you have to work at it. Life is too short to prolong bad feelings in families. You can drop a bad friend but you are stuck with family so love & let live!! ( & that is NOT a typo!)

She took you at your word. She is kind enough to send you a birthday card.

Do you send her one? of thank her for the one she is sending you?

Repairing a relationship takes time. You have now decided that 5 years estrangement is enough. So now is the time to make small steps forward. Do not expect an apology. also unlike some members of this thread I would not expect her son, your husband to side with you in your estrangement. He might however as you gradually make steps to repair the relationship decide when the time is right to advise his mother that you should be reintroduced, a step at a time.

Good Luck

5 years of refusing to visit your MIL! You deserve all you don't get - end of story sadly.

OP sounds to me what you'd really like is a reconciliation/apology. You'd like to be included again, albeit gradually or on the fringes, you made a stand possibly for good reason and now you'd like to retract it a bit without loosing face. If you genuinely didn't care you wouldn't mind your husband and children having a relationship with their mother and gran.. if you decided you were really done with it, it wouldn't hurt. I suspect deep down albeit not often you'd like to be back in the fold... if that's true be the bigger person and visit. No need for a big reconciliation just resume DIL duties quietly.

Take it from me...nothing is impossible. Everything can be rebuilt. It takes a forgiving DIL and a MIL who accepts boundaries and let's go of her sense of "entitlement".