Continued support and fun aspects too of rebuilding lives after estrangement can't believe 4 years and we still here to offer help, friendship and support.TWO

Meant to tell you all that I read an article from the psychologist Josh Coleman about leaving EC off your trust and will. He said that because many are mentally ill or have a spouse or friend who controls them,that you shouldn't do that . I don't agree but that's me. What are your thoughts?

I don't agree with him. I've not read any of his work but I've seen it referred too on another site I go on and haven't thought much of any of it TBH.

I think too many are prepared to attach labels such as narcissist or sociopath so seeing their abandoning AC as mentally ill when they're not. From our personal experience and having read posts about what to do with wills on here, it's very much a personal decision and not an easy one.

Rhinestone and Smileless regarding est AC and wills. In the last few years I have made a will, and not mentioned nor leaving anything to estDS and DiL.

I have also left most to 2 large charities, one a cancer charity and one a homelessness charity.

It felt important to do this, the idea of them picking through my possessions after I am dead was giving me the creeps.

Sparklygran You have to put a clause in to state why you are not leaving anything to estS, you can't just leave them out & not mention him/them, as they can contest the will!

Mine is, I hope, air-tight, only my ND will inherit, along with a % for the GC. EstD&S to inherit not one thing & I stated why!

Yes that's right Yogagirl. Our will states that ES wont inherit "because he was amply provided for during our lifetime". That wouldn't prevent him from contesting the will but makes it more unlikely that he'd be successful.

Excuse me adding a comment when I am not estranged. I know how painful many of you find your lives. However I do feel strongly that you shouldn't disinherit estranged children. Surely parents love must be unconditional and however hurt you have been I really believe it is best to leave all your children a share of your money. My view. I don't wish to upset anyone.

MumofmadboysEveryone is entitled to their opinion. In my opinion I feel I don't want to reward bad behavior. What will their children learn? Treat people badly? Ignore them and you still get a piece of the pie?
Just curious. If you told a family member that you wanted nothing to do with them, would you REALLY expect them to leave you money or property?
Again it's just my opinion.

Oh yes mumofmadboysparents love for their children should be and I believe for estranged parents as well, is unconditional. TBH there have been times when I wished I didn't love ES as much as I do and have always done because maybe it wouldn't continue to hurt as much as it does that he doesn't want us anymore.

I can understand why some may feel that disinheriting an AC whose cut you out is intended to be vengeful and punishing; you haven't said that I know.

Mr. S. and I thought long and hard before taking this huge decision and altering our wills accordingly. For us, it's simply not appropriate to have him as a beneficiary. Everything will go to his brother who may wish to give something to him and of course will be entitled to do so if he wishes.

I would be surprised if any AC who refuses to have any contact whatsoever with their parents would expect to inherit; maybe some do, maybe our ES is one of them but I doubt it.

Unconditional love is loving someone in spite of what they do and who they are and not because of those things. We don't know why our son has cut us out. He has 'issues' apparently but we don't know what those issues are but one thing is sadly clear, his love for us isn't unconditional even though our love for his is, and always will be.

Well put,Smileless.

I don't doubt your enormous love for your children. I think it is very hard indeed for a mum to turn totally against a child she bore. I feel by leaving estranged children an inheritance you are showing unconditional love and hopefully forgiveness beyond the grave. I would worry leaving one child money and not another may cause problems in their relationship in the future. Also for the estranged child to know even after a parents death that nothing could stop that parent loving them is very powerful.They may then be able to forgive the parent for perceived wrongs (and themselves too maybe for behaving so unlovingly) and move on in their lives. This thread is heart breaking to read and I do feel for you all. It may be a child's partner that is causing the estrangement or a mental health problem.

Yes well put smilless as always

Most of us have thought long and hard I have left my daughter the diamond studs she borrowed for her wedding. Day and each Grandaughter some jewellery and a letter plus a share of our estate. It felt right as we love those girls dearly and will always be heartbroken not to be In Their lives, so we left them a. Note to that effect.

It breaks our hearts to not leave everything 50/50 between bothmof our much loved children,

Sadly our daughter wants nothing to do with us on life so mumof adboys why should be benefit by our deaths?
It would not be appropriate and I am Sure my ed would say the same,
My son has never waivered his love for us being as unconditional as ours or him or I would be in a very dark place now, sadly our ed tried to whip up hatred for us from him.

She also tried to turn my dh against me.
Luckily There love for me runs deep and they ignored her

Can you understand a bit more now mumof mad boys?

Ed godparents also disinherited her,which is a huge loss as they have non hildren and,she was their main benefactor,

However s i law. Cut them out also,

It is all. Very sad and totally unnecessary

Don't give up hope. Maybe in the fullness of time relationships will improve and healing/ forgiveness may occur. I hope so. x

Thats a point mumof it makes some estranged grandparents ill to keep hope alive either all the time or periodically.

Its being real and facing reality for a number of us to not hang onto hope when all evidence points to our estAC never intending to resume a relationship.

Its better for our mental health, so as to also not become a burden on those who do love us and see us, to accept the estrangement and move on with our lives.

It is as Sparkly has said coming to terms with and accepting the estrangement rather than turning against your own child.

The toll it takes on your physical and emotional well being cannot be overstated; it quite literally makes you ill which is why some estranged parents stop hoping that things will change.

I was watching a drama on tv earlier and one of the characters said "you can't tell someone to go and be mad at them when they leave". It really struck a chord with me.

Our DS told me at Easter that his brother has a lot of anger, he didn't say anymore than that but our ES has on several occasions accused us of abandoning him. Perhaps that's why that line stood out for me.

It was 4.5 years ago that he sent us a note telling us we were no longer a part of his and our GC lives and were to stay away. In the main that's what we've done, stayed away culminating in moving away 9 months ago.

The love that we showed and gave to our ES before he cut us out, which we are now unable to demonstrate as there's no contact and which he now appears to question, cannot be proved once we've died by having him as a beneficiary.

As for an inheritance showing an EAC their parents forgiveness from beyond the grave, the sad truth is unless they ask us, their EP's if we forgive them while they still can, they're never going to know for certain are they.

Mumofmadboys. I can understand where you are coming from, but I do understand why done would decide to disinherit their estranged older child. I have done nothing in that respect. My d certainly doesn't need mine, it would be fairer to leave what I have to s, who is there for me, but I haven't. I think for me it's because I think for some reason I haven't been a good mother, I cannot think what I did wrong but it must have been something, so I carry guilt for something I don't know the answer to. It doesn't get better with time, I am used to it and live round it. I obviously wish my h was still with me but I would have driven him mad I think because he would have taken the view that you have done everything you can and if that's what she wants to be it, I would over worry as I do all the time even though there
us no chance of a reconciliation. My friends all have grown up children and very much part of their lives, which they constantly chat about obviously and I am interested but inside sometimes I am crying for what I can't have any
more. When I do die, I think my d would give my son everything anyway, it's only money and things, I think I would want her to know I never stopped loving her even in death. However who knows my opinion might alter and I understand completely why those lovely ladies who have had their hearts broken, like mine would choose to disinherit. Not for once do I wish I had a magic wand!

Celeb, I know you're operation is scheduled for Monday, I will be rooting for you and sending positive vibes. This time next week it will all be over and you will be into recuperation. Whenever I have to have a procedure done that I don't want, I always think that, everything passes and next week it will be a memory, it is my coping mechanism. So good luck and like everyone on here I will be thinking of you. X??

Celeb - good luck from me too. Keep us posted when you feel up to it
x

Mumofmadboys I can see you with your hand out, ready for your mum & dad's or/& your m.i.l&f.i.l's money & property when they die. You always pop-up when money, inheritance is spoken of here, I wonder why? You are not a grandmother, maybe a daughter that has cut-out her mother or her husbands mother, which is it? Hence the pleading on here to not disinherit!

I watched an interview with Sara Payne and she said that when she lost her little girl, in the most horribly of ways, Sara said that from that moment she felt like she couldn't breath properly, that her breath was held high in her chest and that is exactly how I have felt from the very first, and also that I have an enormous sob sitting in my chest, waiting to burst out, but just sits there, day in, day out, year in year out!

My estD was loved and cherished, as were her C, my beloved GC, when they came along. I was very good to her husband, gave him thousands of pounds to help him, paid for his wedding, always bigged him up, only ever said/did loving things to them all. I was then cut-out without any explanation, my heart broken into a thousands pieces, my family destroyed, my special bond with my precious GD&GS destroyed, my love for my once precious D destroyed!

My estD knew I was very suicidal, she knew the emence pain she was causing, not just to me, but to her loving sister too, she pulled her brother into the sh** and took him away from his entire birth family! 5years,5years of grieving! and you are telling me this needs a rewards

You must both be feeling pretty anxious Celeb as Monday approaches. We're all here rooting for you and a successful outcome. As Luckylegs has said, soon it will be memory and the pain you've been suffering for so long will be a memory too.

Dear Luckylegs, if your ED's behaviour is because of something you've done I'm sure you'd know or at the very least she'd have told you. You have a great relationship with your son because you are a good mother.

I hope that one day you'll be free of the guilt you carry; maybe then your pain will lessen. Your DH would have been right, you've done the very best that you can and that's all any of us can do.

Regarding inheritence - I think a caring adult child would be justifiably "miffed" if after years of supporting their parents (possibly in challenging old age) they saw an estranged child sharing in an inheritence.
I think the feelings of the attentive child should take precedence over those of a child who has chosen to have nothing to do with their parents

Yogagirl you are very wrong about me. I am not estranged from either children or parents or in laws fortunately for me. In fact our four parents have died. In my memory I have not spoken of money or inheritance on here ever before. I regard money as nothing compared to loving relationships as I am sure most people do. I honestly feel Yogagirl you have been unnecessarily rude to me. I will now leave this thread.
My heart goes out to the estranged parents on this thread and I hope these situations will
eventually lovingly resolve.

CelebgranI'm sending positive thoughts and prayers to you from across the pond for your operation and recovery. I know things will go well and in no time you will be up and dancing again.?

mumofmsdboys you should ignore Yogagirls comments.. she's outrageously rude to everybody on here that comments with a different opinion to hers.. whilst always presuming that they are secretly an estranged child.. everything she writes on here seeps of bitterness. FWIW, I agree with you & i think that cutting off an estranged child is one last chance for a bitter parent to get one over on them... sticking the boot in from beyond the grave - very sad

Mumofmadboys thank you for your kind words and sorry if you have been offended.

I kept tiny bit of hope alive but sadly since dh wrote told our daughter we were going hospital 5 minutes from her home and dates and about my major operation and she chose to ignore it and her her dad's simple request for support at this difficult time, nothing no response just cruel silence,

I spent 28 years supporting her and loving her with all my heart ❤️ that seems to count for nothing,
Apparently I got it all wrong and have been accused of abuse mental I think as she certainly was never hurt,
This hurt me more than I can ever say but I know deep down she for whatever reason doesn't want us anymore and needed to dig deep find excuses,
I have cards letters telling of her love for me and pride in me so it doesn't make sense.

I know it will hurt me that she cares so little for me not to offer even a card with best wishes on Monday when I arrive at seven am and also seeing daughter grandkids visit their mums.
I never expected to be discarded so completely who would?
However understandably there is no hope left.

What could I even say to a daughter who has been so unspeakably cruel to her mum and dad and ripped our beloved g daughter away from us overnight when we loved er so and we're beyond thrilled and proud to be loving grandparents. Then going step further and involving police how can you get over that betrayal?

Thanks so much lucklylegs, eddiecat and Smilelss I know you all routing for me,
We popped to see my dear nephew wife and little ones yesterday morning which was lovely.
Gra took beautiful photo of little chap on my lap and little girl looked so pretty in top we gave her for easter baby was in Outfit we gave him for birthday their mum is so lovley and appreciates our gifts it is wonderful when we spent eight years sending gifts and vouchers to our own never once receiving acknowledgment,
That is stopping now.
I will always send xxxxxxx birthday card other two we don't know dates but gifts at Xmas and easter have now stopped this will Be first year. I tried soooo hard to no avail.

Bubsy 555 that is not true at all about yogagirl,

Can I ask are you estranged from your parents?

You clearly have not read the posts closely no one who has gone through the grief we have is interested in getting one over ec from the Grave!
How ridiculous

However it makes sense to reward those that chose to be loyal and love us not discard us like pieces of rubbish,
Can you not understand that?

I could not imagine my ed or anyone else expecting to still be beneficiaries