Moving forward

Me too - I fear I'm losing my mind at the moment as just don't know how to cope with this 'estrangement'... I fear for my sanity and would love to have some tips on coping. (Going for CBT next week - trying anything!) I looked online yesterday to see if there are any 'self-help' groups for this sort of thing, in my area, but couldn't find anything. I'm worn out with it.

Give time, time. It takes ages and never quite goes away.

I am divorced and am about to start on a new life at 66. I am in the process of buying a narrow boat to live on. I also still work.

Plan your life...have a goal...something to look forward to. do not vegetate x

You said walking was getting too much. Try a yoga or Pilates class. The exercise is gentle. You will also get to know other women.

Read 'The Pwer of Ted' decide where you'd like to be and take baby steps towards it. It will never be the wonderful dreams we had when we were young but .... Theoddbird is right, it is something I am working on at the moment, on a committee of a local charity, interesting, interesting people and timeconsuming. Onwards and upwards.

very best to all you brave and lovely ladies on here....think of yourselves as now you should be your number 1 priority...I'm having a bit of a difficult time relationship wise too at the moment & feel rather unsettled about the future, I could possibly end up 'estranged ' too.
But you know what ladies? we've done our time , cared for everyone, and being estranged surely just points to the fact that all was not well. Stay positive, keep strong for yourselves, all in my thoughts , love Lizzy, xx

I am also moving on from a very painful estrangement from daughter & her young family. After trying to smooth things over, tackle the issue or whatever I now realise that a close relationship is not to be and she has chosen to carry on as if I don't exist. I do live in hope that one day the phone will ring and it will be either her or one of my grandchildren who are only 3 and 6 at the moment. It is her birthday next week and I will send a card and put £50 in her account. Just fill your time with other lovely people who like you for who you are, do as much exercise as possible and try and keep positive.

Maid marion....I feel for you and hope that the CBT helps you...like you, I've looked online for self help groups etc..and there's nothing in my area..where abouts are you? how great it would be if we could all meet up and support each other..start up ou own self help therapy group....xxx

Good Morning! How fabulous Theoddbird, it sounds an amazing lifestyle. I am out of a controlling 40 year marriage and my journey out has taken 3 years and been very hard physically and mentally and I have done and tried everything to help me cope and get through it and scoured the internet for help and funnily enough that's how I found Gransnet!

Exercise helped me, even the smallest amount, especially with others, such as classes, walking my little dog (who have lost recently), anything that gets to talking to others and takes you away from your own thoughts.

If you have problem getting to sleep, write it down, keep a journal, put it all in there! Get it out of your head, close it.

Try mindfulness or relaxation tapes, also good for busying the thinking mind and distracting us from our negative feelings and thoughts.

Am through it, happy as I back in control of my life, haven't been since 17 and have no regrets, other than should have done sooner.

It's hard but you will get through it, stay positive and take as much support as is forthcoming. Please feel free to PM me.

Take up Bridge? Its something I wish I'd learned earlier. It's sad that it has (to some) a fusty image as something for a certain age/class.
You get to do something for a few hours one day a week in lessons and more as you practice, join in more games, it's fun and stimulating and very social. You spend time with others doing something with a focus and get to know people gradually and gravitate into meaningful friendships without pressure or sorting your house out.

I now go on Bridge hols (my dh doesn't mind). Not everyone's cup of tea I know. I'm clearly a bridge fan but honestly, most people are hooked after a term.

I know it's not going to help your relationship with your dd but it gets you out in manageable chunks of time and occupies your mind and gives a lift as well. Good luck x

Good on ya, theoddbird. Always fancied a narrow boat but now too late. My advice is get out there, join a group. If there is no group, then start one. Life is too short to be constantly miserable. Good luck!

I have a surviving daughter and 3 adult grandchildren. Of those, I'm in touch with my eldest grandchild. I also have twin great-granddaughters and I've been told I'll never be allowed to see them. I have a stocks-and-shares junior ISA for each of them and that gets funded by direct debit monthly. No one can touch it until their 18th birthday and even if I don't survive until then. what's in there already will continue to grow from the stock market investments.

I think maybe all of us have that hope at the back of our minds that one day there'll be that ring at the doorbell, or at least, a letter, card or phone call. I'm not holding my breath on that one, but I have imagined that on that 18th birthday they may say 'Hang, on, where did this investment come from? Who added all this money? Who thought of it in the first place?'

Well, I'm not holding my breath. Recently I've had more serious things to worry about. My second husband, my DH, has been going through some very serious reconstructive surgery to his left leg. All seems to be going well to date. He's still re-mobilising on crutches. Our greatest pleasure at the moment is to get out and about, see nice places and eat out in places we've never been to before. And looking forward to our holiday in the Black Forest in June.

I've had my heart broken by some of those family members in the past and - it shall not happen again! My heart is not to be broken. That decision and determination is what sees me through.

We have a neighbour who has only just retired this week. She is already at a loss to know what to do with her life. She is divorced and lives alone.

The other day she told OH that 'there isn't much to do is there?'. Trying to make light of it he said 'Oh there is lots to do. Take today for example, I had to choose which bins to put out!' She was not amused.

I say you make your own fun. Join a club, meet people. They are not going to come knocking are they?

Good morning ladies.

I too am in this sorry situation and understand the desperation of trying to come to terms with carrying on when you feel overwhelmed with emotions.

It's hard to discuss with others who have not experienced this,although am thankful that friends and family have been of great support.
I too have had counselling and CBT does help you to organise your thoughts.

I would love to meet up with anyone who is going through this shared experience.
Don't know if anyone is interested? If you are please pm me.

NSx

What a refreshing name for an estrangement thread, I like it very much, "moving forward". 10 years ago I thought that I'd never move forwards, could never possibly live a life without my AC and GC and I was living, breathing, eating and researching estrangement 24/7. Yes, I was bereft, heartbroken, depressed, suicidal and cried a river dry as they say but it made no difference, nothing changed, nothing was going to change, I had to make changes to my life, accept the estrangement was as it was and reclaim MY life, time is precious and we only come this way once.

With the help of CBT therapy from a suitably qualified and accredited professional gradually I gained confidence to rebuild my life and move forwards, join groups, partake in voluntary work and just live life again.

Yes, I am estranged from my AC and GC, I still love them, my AC knows that my door will always be left open for reconcilliation but for now what more can I do but move forward ?

I feel for all those on other threads who are still feeling incredibly hurt and wish them peace of mind too one day.

Jaquiwren, So glad to hear you are out of a forty year controlling marriage, good for you!!!
I admire your courage in getting yourself back on track & taking control of your life again, I too married young at 18..& often wonder if I should change my life,...your post was inspiring!...very best of luck..keep going, sounds like you're doing great!.xx

The odd bird...you are so brave...what an inspiration!, thanks for sharing your positive outlook with us...Grab any opportunity now to live and enjoy your new found freedom & live ahead..BEST OF LUCK, let us know how you get on please!!!

Following a divorce .... Although I am very lucky with both family and friends, at times there is no one who wants to do what I want to do ! So I have found an over 50's " Meet Up" group in my area and there are loads of activities to dip in/out of as you wish. Pilates, walking, cinema, theatre, concerts, craft evenings, cooking together, book club, dining out, coffee mornings etc Any member can start up any group they wish and other like minded people can click on and join up with you. Went to a lovely Jazz night last week, and now planning a show in London. For holidays, there are so many "singles" tour operators out there now, with trips all over the world for all budgets. I have made a bucket list for when I retire later this year, and I can't wait to get started. Don't waste a minute of your freedom or your life xx

I think my experience is a bit different. Many of the things I would like to do require disposable income, like going to the gym, which Inwould like to do, theatre, cinema etc. I end up going for a walk because that's free.

I've tried to join groups on U3a and the ones I'm interested in are full. The local classes are expensive and out of reach. I understand how important it is to stay active and involved, but I seem to have reached a stalemate and am concerned that I'm becoming unable to move forward.

I must keep trying!

After being widowed(at 57) & then moving (2 years ago) to be nearer DD & DGS, completely new location but I have joined Meet-up, it's great as Bluebe11 says. I only go to things that interest me but great for meeting allsorts of different people. I also got involved with our Local Community Care group after a spell in Hospital, we have a monthly Lunch & Afternoon Tea also occasional trip out.

I could have been very lonely but at (now)61 I want to fill my time with friends & activities as well as time with my family. I know how hard it must be to no longer have contact with DC & DGC but I think the answer is to find new activities to fill at least some of the time.

I've been thinking about putting an ad in our local paper to see if there's anyone trying to deal with a family estrangement and if there's any interest in setting up a self help/support group.

It just takes time maidmarion, and for some it takes longer than it does for others and that's OK because we're all different and in different situations.

I found this thought process quite useful in the early days. If I decided I wanted to run the London Marathon, I wouldn't put on my running shoes and try to run 26 miles, I'd train for it.

I'm a hopeless runner so I'd have to begin with power walking, then part power walking and part jogging. I'd try and do one mile before attempting 2 or 3. Some people train for a year before they enter the race, I'd have to start training at least 2 years before to have any hope of finishing.

For me, that's how I've approached coping with estrangement; one step, one day at a time and on very bad days, half a day at a time and not beating myself up if I had a bad day where I just sat around, moping and crying. We can't expect to just 'get over it'; in reality we'll never 'get over it' we'll carry it around for the rest of our lives but it can, will and does get easier to live with.

When you're ready, exercise is good. Go swimming and/or join a gym. Go for walks which is really great if you have someone to walk with.

I don't know how long you've been estranged, it's 4.5 years for us and in the last 18 months we've improved far more than we did in the first 3 years. The most beneficial thing was moving 5 months ago; a huge step and not for everyone I know but boy oh boy what an enormous difference it's made to the quality of our lives.

I look back, especially to the first 2 years and I don't know how we got through; I'm both amazed and proud that we did. There's a plaque at the gym I go too, it says "Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go".

We were someone before we became wives, mothers and GM's. We had a life before we lost the person we are now estranged from and we have a life even though they are no longer a part of it; now we have to live it.

Parklife don't be too hard on yourself. As you say walking is free and so keep up with that, it's therapeutic too, can clear the mind. When you are feeling up to it then you could look around in your area at volunteer opportunities to suit your interests, this comes free too and will boost up your self esteem, give the rewards of feeling as if you belong again.

Except for the jogging Smileless that would half kill me lol I agree with your post entirely.

Parklife I don't know where you live, but locally to me there are free health walks going on where you can walk with people to chat to and how about the WI as this is no longer a stuffy as it was once and fairly cheap. Our WI has organised walks every month, ladies who lunch, cinema outings, a book group, knit and natter etc. If the U3A groups you want to join are full then ask if they have a waiting list, if they do and it is fairly long then consider starting a second group yourself, they will give you help to do so and the others on the waiting list will thank you for it! Our U3A also does lots of walks so again you would have someone to chat with. Our local leisure centre gives a small discount to the over 60s for classes and there is a cheap 45mins each day for swimming. Unless you live somewhere very rural I think there will be quite a bit going on, join it all and have a go, some you will love, some you will hate, but you will fill your days.

Good luck