I miss the man I married

My OH has PD and is definitely not the man I married; but he is my husband and there are flashes of his very dry humour that surface now and again.

Our relationship is very different - there is an element of caring in it, but not yet in a major way. He washes, dresses etc. but cannot keep going with the normal day's activities and needs LOTS of reminders to take his vast array of drugs and help to find the MANY things that he loses all day. He shakes at night; and also suffers from anxiety - which gets worse as the day progresses - by the evening he is very tense and his tremor is very bad then - also his ability to swallow reduces as the day goes on.

Your OH has a treatable condition - that needs to be your starting point I think.

I suppose the way I cope is to be very matter-of-fact about it - this is how it is, so we just get on with it. An I have wonderful supportive children; although I only call on them when things are really bad. However they are a constant background presence, supporting him in sensitive and thoughtful ways.

The reason that this is manageable is because it is a fact - he has this degenerative disorder and there is nothing to be done. He takes meds which help a bit, but not significantly.

I think I would find your situation harder TBH as depression is a treatable disorder - my OH has one that is very hard to treat. I would be wanting to send him in the direction of treatment - the NHS manages depression well and expense should not be an issue. I am not sure that you should be resigning yourself to just going along with this - it may be that this is not necessary.

Sorry - that was not meant to sound harsh - but it just seems a shame to resign yourselves to this if he could be helped. People with depression find it hard to seek help and need a bit of a boot in the right direction. I know - I suffered a serious depression after surgery and I lost all interest in living - but I now take an anti-depressant and I am kept well. I would wish the same for your OH.

Very sorry to hear this, Silverlining. I've known of two elderly people who have had the same symptoms, an Aunt and an old male friend of ours. Both were put on medication by their GPs and improved.
But don't take my word for it, it's a complex area and could be one of several things. I would ask for another thorough assessment and diagnosis. Surely you could get it with the NHS?

I have no experience of anything like this but wanted to say that I am sorry that you are having to cope with this.

There is good advice here for you if you can persuade your husband to follow it.

We are in the recovery stage of a deep depression my lovely OH suffered a year ago,he changed completely from the loving warm person to someone I couldn't reach.He didn't want to admit how I'll he felt and the loss of confidence he suffered,support and medication have brought him back to me,I still remember and feel the cold loneliness we both felt at the time for you both .Depression isn't just suffered by the sufferer,but also their nearest and dearest as welĺ.I wish you both some peace and a light at the end of your tunnel it must feel like a very dark lonely place for you both ((((hugs)))))

Thank you for the kind comments. I didn't find your comments harsh Luckygirl. I think you're right about taking a matter of fact approach. Unfortunately he refuses to take the anti depressant route even though 2 of his close friends who are doctors and suffer depression themselves have tried to encourage him to. From having a very relaxed approach to life he has now become quite obstinate and this is the case here. It is frustrating because I'm sure it would help just to ease his anxieties and enable him to move on.
Downtoearth, thank you, you describe the situation and feelings very well and it's reassuring that that you are in the recovery stage now. Good luck.

I think I would find it very difficult if I was living with a depressed person who refused medication which could significantly improve his mood , What reasons does he give for not wanting to treat his illness , does he think it is a sign of weakness I wonder? The NHS offers some excellent treatments including talking therapies , I wouldn`t think Psychiatry is the first port of call , especially in the private sector . Could you give him an ultimatum -maybe explain that you can`t live with him the way he is ? Apart from his own suffering it is not fair to you . Do you have children who could speak to him and persuade him to seek treatment ? xx

Its very very hard when people we love and want to help won't take or give medication a try, maybe you could approach the subject when he is having a flash of his old self. I have a problem with my daughter taking some medication, her response is I don't like being told what to do.

My late DH's personality began to change about eight years before his death. I now know it was due to vascular dementia caused by numerous small strokes that he passed off as dizzy turns or slips and trips (he had mobility issues beforehand so this was quite believable.) I don't think there was much more that could have been done for him, medically speaking, even if we had known earlier; he was already on fairly aggressive treatment for cardiovascular deficiencies. But at least now I have an explanation.

I have suffered with depression for 20 years. Is your husband mistaking anti-depressants for tranquilizers I wonder? Tranquilizers can be very addictive whereas anti-depressants are just like anti-biotics in a way, you only take them for a period of time. I have recently been sent to The Recovery College by my psychiatrist which is fantastic!There are so many good treatments out there now. Good luck on your journey!

My OH was in denial,he was a strong man ,strong men didn't get depression,along with all the change of personality is also physical symptoms dreadful tiredness and apathy,stomach cramps headaches muscular aches and pains,medication and therapy is helpful,having been on anti depressants myself for10 years and suffering from a deep depression after the death of my daughter I understand the lack of energy motivation to get up and dressed let alone seek help

Silverlining I understand what you are going through, my DH suffered depression on & off for years (it started before I met him). Barmyoldbat your D sounds very much how my DH was at times.

It is difficult trying to get treatment when the person refuses to seek Medical help. My DH when he was really bad would not leave the house, when I could get him to GP he expected pills to work instantly & would become disheartened when he didn't feel better

DH saw a Psychiatrist who advised him to stop taking pills & suggested ways to try & help including doing crosswords (he would look at them & wait for me to complete them) or as he liked numbers Sudoku (which I learnt how to do but he was never interested, I'm now hooked)

The only person who did help was a Psychologist (CBT) who taught him some good coping mechanisms. Sadly though he ceased to be my lovely DH, only feeling comfortable at home. He would not even come to collect our new car & lost confidence in driving & would refuse to go out

I hope you find a solution Silverlining, my DD was very good but DH's C were not, they had never had to deal with depression.I wish you well

If he has depression your DH won't feel deserving of help so won't seek it out for himself. I make all sorts of excuses why I shouldn't go to the doctors but the main one is that there are people out there with 'real' illnesses. When I'm stable I know that my mh conditions are illnesses in exactly the same way as physical conditions are illnesses but being depressed can lead to warped thinking. You tend not to see the world the way it is but from the viewpoint that you are unworthy and unlovable. I don't know how warped your DH's thinking is because everyone is different but it takes me down the road of pushing my DH away because I think he'd be better off without me. Then I feel guilty because I'm ruining his life even though he tells me I'm not.

If you can you need to get him to a GP and go in with him because he probably won't tell it as it is. I have been known to see the GP with a big smile on my face and an assurance that I'm absolutely fine when I'm falling apart.

Do you know the definition of 'fine'?

F*cked up, Irrational, Neurotic and Emotional.

DH and I use it as a sort of code word. I can't tell him when I'm ill but if I can say I'm fine he knows what I mean.

Whatever you do please be kind to yourself. Being a carer or living with someone with depression is incredibly difficult. If you're caring for someone with a physical illness people notice and are more likely to offer support to you. People don't notice invisible illnesses and won't realise you may need help.

I would be lost without my DH and I'm sure your DH would be lost without you but he can't say it.

Is he depressed? I have a friend who was treated for depression for many years and in fact has a form of bi polar which when diagnosed became more manageable.

Private treatment often makes people feel worse, because it takes time to come to grip with mental health issues and they feel guilty about the costs, I worked in mental health and the few people i worked with who had gone that route said that to me.

There are natural anti depressants if he has no other health issues.

I was Support Time Recovery Worker which aims to claw back 'life' for the person, so we try to re engage them with thing that are important to them, while accepting that for some really ill people 'normal' life cannot be regained.

STRW encourage hope for the future in what sometimes seems like hopeless situations.

I know what it is to suffer depression myself and I don't want medication, it works well for some people and not for others.

I use the medicinal wheel principles in my work......try to bring some balance to day to day living to free up energies so that the wheel may turn.

Something physical everyday, something spiritual, something emotional and something intellectual, even the smallest things can help.

Melancholy is a part of life greater for some than others.

There are times that I'm glad I divorced my ex-husband many years ago. These stories sound identical to a very good friend of mine. Her husband has so many of the symptoms described , she is over ten years younger , he is in his seventies . I think his symptoms will worsen and she can see what the future holds for her. I used to envy her social life and now hers is a good, or as bad, as mine. Luckily she has a loving family who help and I help where I can. I can also be around to listen to her concerns and worries. It's all very sad.

I agree with Tricia. My late husband had Alzheimer's Disease for 16 years. He died 6 months ago. It was so long ago I can hardly remember the early days when it first started. Is your husband frightened that he has some form of dementia? That could cause him to be depressed and want to be on his own. Is he perhaps frightened that taking meds could 'prove' he is ill? Did the psychiatrist suggest any tests ie a memory test? If he would see the psychiatrist again would he allow you to go with him. I used to write down how my husband had been behaving and give it to the psychiatrist at our appointments so that I wasn't embarrassing my husband by telling him in front of him.
Does his GP know about what's going on? He would refer your husband to a psychiatrist on the NHS.

My DH has quite severe cognitive impairment - he is apparently not showing the "right" signs for dementia of some kind... For a long time our medical centre treated his symptoms as being depression - I don't want in any way to dishearten you any further, but is it possible your DH could be starting with this? Mine showed signs of depression for some time before the penny dropped and I took him back to the doc and asked for a memory nurse.

We're lucky - we have an Admiral Nurse who has been wonderfully supportive and pushed us gently in the right directions for help. I've been through so many of the feelings - loneliness, anger, resentment, self-pity, unhappiness, my own depression caused by the problem - that you're feeling right now, and we both offer you a big warm virtual hug. And our sincere hope that things start to improve.

So sorry to hear about this,Silvering. Perhaps you could go to your doctor to see if he she has some ideas. Going out for a walk each day might help and other small things, like buying some new clothes. Has he had his bloods checked this year? I do know that helping one's husband is the most difficult thing. They can be so difficult. Best of luck.

Vampirequeen explains it very well.
I've had depression all my life, and have been taking anti-depressants for nearly 20 years. I say taking; sometimes I get angry with myself? the illness? the world? and don't take them as a form of rebellion. Doesn't do me or mine a lot of good!
Mental health issues can be so very difficult to diagnose and treat. My depression, behaviours and triggers may well be very different from Vampirequeen's, but we both still have depression. Also, depression can be a symptom of something else, rather than an illness in its own right.
The one piece of advice I would pass on, which is right for me but may not be right for your DH, is do encourage him to go out of the house (my dogs have to be walked whether I want to or not), as it's easy to make excuses to stay in, which is not helpful to the condition. Can you plan days out, to a steam railway, to a castle, for a picnic as these could stimulate and help him.
And talk to your doctor. Make an appointment in his name but go alone.
I feel for you, and send you love and hugs.

This happened to me. DH had depression for 6 months. I thought it was permanent change and he would never get back to normal. I did sthg v selfish to find my own fun which I will always regret. He did accept the illness like your DH but didn't want to try counselling. It lifted by itself when the seasons changed. I noticed it go over the course of a coupla days. Relief was incredible. Hang in there. This will pass. If the first therapist didn't work he needs to try a diff one. At the same time b on the lookout for physical symptoms/ changes and March him to the docs over everything. Bad mood can also b a result of sthg else not right. Love and prayers xx

My husband is a workaholic still at nearly 80! and will not retire or change his ways and I find it difficult to keep up with his huge energy.Work, work, squash, Gym. Sex has gone out of the window due to his medications but when he remembers and has time,he is loving. I have suffered from anxiety and depression due to stress- which is greatly helped by Seroxat ( paroxitine) which replaces the seretonin one is lacking- So try it it does help. It doesn`t seem to be habit forming and is not an anti depressant which can make you feel worse.I am normally a sociable and out going lady but I do understand that feeling of being alone in depression-scared of asking for help.I have some very understanding friends too - one who, when I was terrified,and my husband was away which is frequently for months, came to the doctor with me. I hope you find solutions. perhaps as a previous person said- he is frightened that he is ill as I was and withdraws and won`t talk about it.Sometimes the fear is worse than actually dealing with it.

From what I have heard and seen quite a few men seem to get depressed once they retire if they haven't built up a life outside of their job before then. You don't say if your OH is still working or not but could this be a cause of his depression possibly? If so then perhaps volunteering for a charity might help him - it certainly introduces a routine back into your life - I have friends who work in charity shops, volunteer as drivers etc and they really enjoy being out and about doing something to help the community. Also I would try to get him to talk to a GP - there is help available on the NHS and some very good support groups, both for the person with depression and their partner/carer - it can feel very lonely at times if you are trying to help on your own.

Downto earth and Vampirequeen, you both describe the situation exactly.....the constant tiredness, stomach aches, illnesses and 'injuries' that seem to recur in a previously healthy and energetic person. And the feeling of self loathing and pointlessness. My son and daughter have been so kind and supportive of me but my husband hasn't told his children ( all adults now of course) and doesn't want anyone to know. He put on a great show one day over Christmas when some of them came to dinner and I was thrilled that his 'old' self had come back but when I mentioned it later he said he was exhausted at having 'acted' being normal and I could virtually see him shrink back into his own sadness. My heart went out to him.

I'm sorry things aren't good for you both.
Finding the right therapist is very difficult.
I spent alot of time and money on people I just couldn't relate to at all and it all seemed pointless! Eventually I found a wonderful lady and spent 3 yrs under her care. I still take antidepressants but I no longer feel so swamped by life.
If you can persevere the answer is out there somewhere. I do hope your gp is helping? ?
It is very difficult for people in the depths of depression to see it for themselves.
I wish you both all the luck in finding a solution ?