Controlling DIL- how to protect DS

Difficult one. It may be better to speak to your DS rather than DIL. You will probably be feeling very protective if you feel she is constantly attacking him but any changes in their relationship have to come from them. Does he seem happy? Maybe he is making allowances for her adjusting to being a new mum? Driving a wedge between DIL and you is probably not going to help your son. Perhaps encourage him to talk to her to find the reason for the constant picking on him.

Does he seem sad or depressed? Do you really think he needs "protecting"?

Your DIL is faced with the huge change that comes with being a mother and may be a bit on edge - nothing unusual in that.

He is a grown man and he must make his own choices in life.

And your role is to stand back - he is no longer "yours" - he belongs to his little family unit and you have to learn a new role. It is not your place to say anything at all about your concerns. You risk lighting a tinder box - do not go there!

It may be that your DS actually enjoys doing housework, cooking, laundry and hands on care of his little boy. My own DS, also a lovely laid back, chilled person, is one of the most efficient chaps you could wish to have in your home with regard to 'doing his bit' and so is my DSiL.

Times have changed. Don't worry about him. He's probably fine.

Thanks folks- good point about today's husbands sharing all the work, just wish DIL was a bit more grateful as she delegates so much. Also take the valid point about DS not being 'mine' any more, hard but true. The last thing i want is a broken family so thanks for timely reminders to take stock & appreciate my lovely family.

Well done aquafish and lots of good luck for the future with the joy of GC!

"grateful"? As a friend of mine says ,its not babysitting when its your child,its parenting and its not helping out when you do a share of the housework its your house too.When the baby has grown a bit the balance will likely change ,let them do things their way...after all we only raise them to let them go

Don't say anything.

Why should she be grateful that a full grown man is doing what he should by sustaining his home and caring for his child?
Maybe your son is one of those 'manchil' who have 0 self direction and need to be told how to do every little thing. In which case I hve every sympathy for your DIL

I agree with others who have said leave well alone, unless your DS is showing signs of being very stressed and/or depressed, and even then, you have to let them work it out for themselves, and just be as supportive as you can to both of them.
What do you mean by your DiL 'pick pick pick' ing? Criticising? Bossing about?

I take all your comments onboard, thanks. I dont want to give the impression DS is a mummy's boy, far from it but don't like seeing him being 'picked on' & 'put down' in front of family by DIL. By picked on, such as her shouting at him he's hurting baby by trying to pull his leggings on- OTT responses that undermine his confidence. Enough said, the way forward is clear & i will do my best to be a supportive M/MIL & doting GP!

My youngest son is in a relationship with a quite domineering girl , they are due to have their first baby soon. He does his share of everything in the house , I think it is quite normal and healthy for Men these days . I cringe sometimes at the bossiness but I know that he worships the ground she walks on and she adores him too so I just guess that he is OK with being `bossed` . I would really try not to say anything because he will side with her and it will cause an atmosphere when you are at their house .

Bibitty what is a manchil? I am sure the op`s son is doing his best learning how to be a new Dad ! doesn`t sound as if he needs direction .

It reminds me of when my great-nephew was little and his father was giving him a bath. In spite of the fact there was Daddy, Granny and me all giving him our full attention new Mum still hovered in the doorway giving instructions. You wouldn't believe how many wrong ways there are to dry a baby! By the time we got to number three she would disappear with coffee and a magazine and leave me to it!
Have a lovely time?

There could be some truth in Jayanna's post. My daughter used to give very detailed instructions when I looked after my little GD. A couple of years later, another baby and it all changed. No more instructions. She was happy to leave us to it. Maybe your DIL will calm down soon aquafish.

Probably least said, soonest mended. Bite your tongue.

If she is showing signs of anxiety do you think she is suffering from pnd?

I would leave them to get on with it, bite your tongue. Men these days who are doing their part are doing the right thing.

Just sent DDIL a lovely festive message offering to bring homemade Christmas cake & mincepies when we visit. She replied quickly & seemed very pleased, thanking me. So all's calm & peaceful & i'm left feeling grateful for my lovely family!

Long may it continue! Happy Christmas!

You don't say how old your grandchild is, but do say 'baby'.
I think that a lot of new (especially inexperienced) mums get very bothered about doing things correctly, and with some personalities, it means appearing very controlling.
It can be a manifestation of a mild post-natal depression: a sort of "I am frightened I can't cope, but if I make sure this is done that way, and that is done this way, then I can!" And if anyone does something differently it seems that all will collapse!

I am certainly not suggesting that you say anything, definitely sit back and enjoy the current calm - but maybe something to bear in mind

You don't so anything because it could make matters worse. Just wait and hope that he sees the light and sorts the problems out in his own way and in his own time.

Let them arrange their marriage that is their business.

You can't tell what goes on when they are alone, he has a lot at stake here, he needs his happy family and anything that rocks the boat would be unkind. He knows you love and support him so if he needs you he will ask.

Sounds to me as if DIL is insecure give her every boost you can and I am sure that in a while things will settle down. People projects their own insecurities onto others when they feel low. Tell her what a marvel she is and she will blossom into one. Hard and nerve wracking being mum to first baby.

Have a lovely Christmas with them.

Keep out of it. They're adults...in an adult relationship...which in my book has nothing to do with parents. (I know exactly what you mean though...difficult isn't it!)

One of my oldest friends was like your son - did everything, looked after the child the cooking the housework etc etc. Over four decades she ruled both husband's & child's lives. They were both completely devoted to her! There's no justice! Also anybody who dared to criticize her was dropped by them like a stone! I'd keep quiet, if I were you - just fume away on Gransnet about her latest act of tyranny!

I agree with majority of posters on this - dont say anything just be supportive to both of them and kill it with kindness. It will be difficult, granted, especially if you see or perceive your son being humiliated or shouted at but don't be tempted to say something. Your son will not thank you for putting him in an impossible situation. Believe you me, I stomached it for years seeing my son hurt and finally snapped. The ensuing tsunami and fall out was horrendous and has taken over two years to put behind us. The other thing to mention (and it may not happen in your case) if he does come to you and tells you what a miserable time he is having, listen , support, sympathise but be clear you don't want to know. In the end they must lie in the bed they have made for themselves.