daughters who wont make up,,,,spoiling my life what can i do

My younger sister (there are only 2 of us)has been staying with us for the last 2 days, with her partner. The first time we've seen eachother in 15 years.
It was quite an experience, and could be relevant to this thread.
We are SO different, in most ways. (She's nearly 10 years younger than me.)Though we do share similar standards of things like right and wrong. She starts a conversation on a subject that interests her,and I really don't want to know. And vice versa.
She's like Mum and I'm like Dad.
I just thought it might help to understand siblings not talking - maybe nothing in common?

Sometimes, I think people back themselves into a corner over some tiff from which they should have recovered long since. I think it's less often whatever started the feud that remains the problem, but the fact that they've taken up ensconced positions out of which it'd be very difficult for them to get without losing face. I call it blowing stuff out of proportion and being intransigent. It must be horrible when it happens in your family.

Grannypiper's advice may work best for you, op. But if you follow it, please know that one or the other of your dds may choose not to show up. That's the chance you'll be taking and you'll need to accept it if that happens.

Groan! I have been trying to change from doing acronyms in caps to using lowercase - so much easier. But sometimes I forget and do uppercase out of habit, lol! Habits are indeed hard to break!

Hope you're feeling better. What a difficult situation but it's up to them. Please put yourself first and stay out of it as much as you can. They're adults and it's up to them.

No, not advertising. The site made me laugh, and it is about adult children and how difficult they are sometimes.

Angie i have a brother and sister who dont speak and at one time couldnt even be in the same room as each other, one day having had enough i lost it with both of them and told them a few home truths,( the truth being they are 2 peas in a pod !) i told them that they were both causing the family a great amount of stress and that if they ruined one more occasion i would leave them both to do all the work i do for our DD,not another word against each other has been uttered to any other family member since.
Tell them both the can live their lives how they like but you will not make special arrangments for either of them and from now on there will be 1 Christmas, fathers day etc and let them get on with it, they only play up because you have facilitate it

No, Teapot, I haven't - are you advertising?

What you can do is see your daughters separately, quite an easy solution.

Has anybody looked at The Diary of Sally Forth at janeions.com ? I'm reading it and really enjoying it. She writes humourously about problems with adult children, and it sounds as if we all need a bit of a laugh to cheer us up.

What a tense situation for you, GrandmaMoira! So sorry! You shouldn't have to be uncomfortable in your own home!

Perhaps you need to encourage the 2 older ones to move out? If even just one took you up on it, things would be much easier for you.

My eldest and middle sons still live at home. They are currently not speaking. My youngest and eldest have only tolerated each other for a long time for the sake of household peace during my youngest's frequent visits. If they didn't live with me, it would be much easier and I wouldn't be too bothered.

Of course, this is painful, Angie, but why would you want them all together when it means having to "walk on eggshells?" Isn't it better to see each dd and her family separately? It may take a bit of scheduling but isn't it worth it not to have to be with angry people who were "forced" to be there?

One dd asked you to "respect her wishes." They both need you to respect their choices as adults. You want things to go back the way they were in the past but are your wishes more important than theirs?

I hope Ana is right and you're not serious about cutting your dds out or your will. Or rather, I hope dh wasn't serious since he's the one who said it. Because of a feud between them which is really none of your business? Because it inconveniences you slightly on holidays? Really? IMO, that's ridiculous!

Perhaps one day your dds will reconcile. I hope they do. Then perhaps you'll all be able to have Xmases together again, etc. But if you and dh try to interfere, YOU GUYS might get cut off! You need to adjust to things the way you are for now. Like it or not, this is the new "normal" for your family.

A bit harsh Lovey as it was the daughter who mentioned sorting out the house.
I agree with Mumsy too, don't waste any more time trying to deal with this enjoy your own life with husband and friends.

I don't think angie was serious about cutting the girls out of her will, Lovey.

I think you have exactly the right attitude Mumsy

They are living their lives as they see fit. Cutting out of the will is spiteful. If you intended to be vengeful, congratulations for showing them why the feud won't end.

My three adult kids havent spoken to each other in years, the last time they were all in the same room together was nearly 8 years ago at their dads funeral!! I used to act as a go- between but not any more, I let them get on with it as its not my argument but theirs!

Angie some good advice given look after yourselves I know lots of people who have
Family on different days for different reasons I like mine to get together but do like to see them separately as well so I can give more one to one attention to them . Hope you feeling better .

I feel for others here with similar issues, too, Loopylou, I agree that your sister must have said something to her DH about your DM and maybe you, as well (sigh). I don't know why she turned on you, but maybe she sees your effort to keep up relationships with both sisters as a betrayal of her, unfortunately. That's not true, of course, but if that's how she sees it (sigh), oh well. Nothing you can do about that.

Just glad you're staying out of all the tensions. I think you and your DM are just going to have to adjust to this glitch in your family relationships, avoid the negativity as much as you can and just go on with your own lives. Hope you all have a very Happy New Year!

Angie, I'm so sorry. It must hurt so much to see 2 people that you love very much turn against each other this way! I'm glad you're taking the advice from this board to stay out of it and see them separately, etc.

Sorry you weren't feeling well this year though I don't see it as a "crappy Christmas" since you chose to send hubby off and enjoyed "the peace and quiet." It was probably just what you needed.

It's a shame, though, that your DDs didn't spend much time with you that day, even knowing you were sick (and one of them not at all!). I can't imagine doing that to my mom! But, sad to say, maybe it's CUZ you were feeling ill that they stayed away. Cuz they didn't want to deal with that or, to give them the benefit of the doubt, cuz they didn't think they should bother you.

It could also be (sigh) that since nothing was specifically planned, each one was afraid of running into the other there.

I hope they resolve their issues in time, but unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make that happen. Just hoping you feel better soon and have a great New Year, regardless of your DDs problems!

Some good advice on here for you angie a lot of grown up siblings don't get on with each other.Do have them on different days and accept that they don't want to mix.Who knows what the future holds though, they may make up, but if they don't, it is their choice as adults.Do not blame yourself.

Oh dear angiebaby what an awful time at Christmas. Hope you are feeling better now. Your children are adults now leave them to sort out their own lives and get on with yours.
Make 2017 the year you do things for yourself that you enjoy. You are not responsible for keeping the entire family happy,you deserve some thought too.
Good luck

hello girls,,,,thank you all so very much for all your lovely comments, i will heed the advice,,,,,i had a crap christmas again...all alone,,,on top of it all i have been ill, spent it in bed, im still recovering, one girl came for 5 minutes christmas day,,,,,the other not atall, they both knew i was ill,....we had been invited out for xmas dinner with a group ,,,i wasnt well so i told the hubby to go,,,so he was gone for 5 hours christmas day, to be honest i was glad of the peace and quiet, one of them said,,,im dreading sorting this house out when you both go...with her !!!........so now thats on my mind. guess i should leave it all to a charity.that would shut them all up. anyway i will leave them to get on with it like you al said,,,but my heart is brocken didnt want my family to be like this,...pleased im not alone, bless you all...and lets hope its a happier new year, i wish you all good health, xxxxangiebaby,

What a dilemma. But are you allowing them to spoil your life because of your own expectations? Put another way, are your expectations of the ideal family (we all have those) getting in the way of enjoying each DD separately on their terms? I read somewhere that we can choose how we respond to any given situation, for good or ill. Would it work for you to look at it another way and accept the situation, which you cannot change?

Why should you be miserable? it's not your doing.

Absolutely gillybob, who'd have them!
I just stay out of it, smile sweetly and say nowt ?