daughter in law problems

Weddings and Christmases are a minefield and you have to put on your steel plated armour not to be offended. Compromise is the way forward. Give something up to get what you want. It looks as if you are not going to get the invitation you want from the DIL for Christmas day as ten years have passed and it hasn't come yet. Boxing Day seems also sewn up.

In that case try to arrange a day together later in the Christmas week or at the New Year. Make a (non-Christmassy) meal or all go out to lunch somewhere. Have a day out where the grandchild can be entertained and you can spend time with your son. Be cheerful and make it fun. Withold the presents until this day and advertise this as extending the season. If you make it an really friendly and enjoyable occasion it might well happen on subsequent years too.

My DGD's house is small, so if DILs family come from overseas, we will likely go down after lunch for coffee and bring some desserts. It would be too much for my stepson to cook for so many people. I can do it easily here at our place, even though a flat, more serving space. We did it last year as DGD was only 6 mos and they took her overseas in the New Year.

I am not fussed about the lunch, but would be wanting to see DGD on Christmas Day after they have their meal.

I really feel for you because I am basically in the same position. My DS always falls in with DIL's decisions, whatever they may be, and generally they will not include us, only her own parents and siblings.
I try hard to be a good Grandmother and Mother/MIL and it really hurts, especially at Christmas. With my DIL, I just do not compare to her family- and I don't expect to, but it's so terribly hurtful when you're constantly considered second rate and not always included on special occasions.
I would say DEFINITELY do not say anything to your son. He will share whatever you say with your DIL and this could make things worse.
Your only option is to accept things for what they are. Easier said than done. I don't quite accept it, but I try to and am trying hard not to show any resentment.
I would suggest a family get together before Christmas when you can give your GC one pre-Christmas present, perhaps something funny, not the main present. Then they can take any other presents, including the main present from you, home with them for the big day.
I wish I could start a club in my area for left out MIL's and FIL's and then at Christmas we could have a jolly good time together!
Of course, the answer is also to make your own happiness on Christmas Day, doing special things with your husband and friends. Contact your Son and family by phone or Skype on Christmas Day and be cheerful and generous of spirit.
With love and a big bunch of flowers to you

What a brilliant phrase foxygran - Make your own happiness, if only we could do that more often in our lives.
Excellent advice and one I will try to follow

We used to have my in-laws, and later my mum-in-law only when she was widowed, with us over Christmas and the New Year. Our daughters have their birthdays on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. My mum-in-law really used to dominate the proceedings and I came to dread Christmas, although the kids enjoyed it. She used to spend up to 3 weeks with us. Meanwhile my own parents never got a look in.
I would invite your son and family over between Christmas and New Year or visit them during that period. Try to keep the visit short and sweet. Or you could have an early Christmas lunch, which is what we did for my mother.

Wonder how old your GS is? Anyway I would go for Christmas Mark2. Invite them for a day after Christmas and decide that is your family Christmas. So their presents are given on that day, Santa has left GSs present under your tree and you serve a celebration meal with crackers etc. After all the fact that Christmas is Dec 25th is only a western tradition, Eastern orthodox countries and Greece celebrate on Jan 6th. Alternatively do Christmas Eve as many others give presents then. On the real Christmas day have your favourite eats and a good bottle of wine.

I hate forced family Christmas gatherings. It's great when everyone wants to be together, but when there's friction of any kind it spoils the day for everybody. I now compromise by popping round for a cup of tea & a piece of cake to show willing, but a long Christmas lunch with family memberss who feel awkward together is too much

Does your DIL work? She might feel that she doesn't see enough of her son as it is and that might be why she would like Christmas with just her and your son. Do try the idea of a celebration before or after the 25th,

We r very close to our children and grandchildren and have always spent Christmas together, however we now have 8 grandchildren and a couple of years ago we all came to the conclusion that Christmas should b spent at home especially for small children. It's best that they wake up in their own beds,open stockings and spend Christmas together. We don't mind,our house is here for them all to descend at any time (usually for several days) after all the excitement is over around 27-30th Dec. Life is so stressful for young families today and juggling visits , catering and relatives etc is too much, especially if both parents work!

I too, tend to come down on the side of saying nothing. I note that this is your 'only son'. Is he also your 'only child'? And I wonder if you have other family / friends that you see at Xmas.

If you have to bite your tongue on this (least said, soonest mended), then I think you have to think of other ways to get through the Xmas season and to have special time with your grandson.

You don't say how far away they live and how much you see them otherwise, or how old DGS is (must be under 10). These are my additional suggestions (and apologies if you already do them):

You plan something special yourselves, so that over Xmas you are less eaten up with longing.
An outing to the pantomime or a special Xmas show as your treat (different & more memorable than 'another Xmas')
You plan a short break in the summer - whether a week at a campsite or a simple day out - for you + DGS or for the whole family - something (like the xmas show) that DGS would see as being special to your part in his life.

I would book a holiday in an exotic place and go off and enjoy myself. Let your son and his family know that you aren't dependent on them for your health and happiness, as indeed you should not be.

For the first time in nearly 50 years we are having a relative-free Christmas. When we were first married, we spent Christmas with either my DF and DM or DMiL. Then the children came along.

DS lives in the US and although we could have gone there for Christmas, we are going in January instead because the airfares are considerably cheaper then.

DD1 will be entertaining her inlaws and DD2 will be spending Christmas with her husband's family.

It's only a day and we will see them at other times.

We are going to spend Christmas Day with an old friend of mine and her dog and have a feast of middle-eastern inspired food.
I'm really looking forward to it.

Try to think on it, as Jane said, as 'only a day' and definately say nothing. If you can arrange a visit or meal some other time, then great. If not then go away, or do something special just for yourselves.

And yes, before someone points it out, I know there's a spelling mistake!

I am very much of the view that if my son and dil aren't keen on spending Christmas with me and prefer other family, then I am the problem.

Ask yourself why. Why do they not wish to spend Christmas with me? The lack of introspection on some of these threads is astonishing.

This situation is so common in families and I totally blame the sons involved. They just take the line of least resistance and should be ensuring that their parents have an equal input with grandchildren and at Christmas. I always invited both my husband's and my own parents for Christmas Day and my son and his wife now do the same. I know he would not condone any favouritism to his inlaws. I would go so far as to say you should talk to your son.

I don't think it is fair to add to whereami's hurt by suggesting she is necessarily at fault , it is something I expect she has worried about already. Some people just DO like to do things their/their family's way and may be sadly lacking in sensitivity with regard to their in-laws. In other words selfish.
If I am being honest I used to prefer "my" traditions st Christmas to DH's family's, but I would try to cater for all tastes and preferences. If I had to include someone with whom I felt perhaps a little less relaxed (DH's terrifying unmarried retired senior diplomat aunt, for instance??) I found it easier with more people around.

I don't think the Christmas Day and Boxing Day visits are going to change after 10 years.

It does look as though your DIL just prefers relaxing with her side of the family, but if you invite them for meals at yours throughout the year perhaps she'll start to see that they can have fun there too. No point blaming your son, he's in a difficult position.

Actually WHEREAMI555 I've thought about this and i think you should just say nothing, keep their presents etc til you see them next,don't ask them over and don't ask them what they are doing for Christmas. It
makes you sound too needy. Just organise your own nice lunch, a walk, a panto etc maybe?? And don't mention it again.
By the way what does your DH think about it all??

there seems to be a 50/50 split with lumping it or doing something about it.
she is 43 years old and used to getting her own way. our son is one who wants a quiet life. as do we.
we see them about 6 to 8 times a year but she rarely comes here. we live about 40 miles apart.
as I am disabled it is hard for me to visit their home because they have steep steps in front of their home which I cannot climb.
Don't get me wrong we get on reasonable well most of the year with DIL and certainly don't want to spoil that relationship.
We have NO problem with them spending Xmas at home together either. We would just like to spend one Christmas day with them for a few hours. Our grandson is growing fast and we know one day he will be too big to enjoy Christmas and all its wonders, we don't want to miss it with him.
We don't pick at her parents. We really don't know them that well but when we have met they have been extremely rude towards us even though we have tried to be friendly towards them. Why I do not know. We always ask after them when we meet her, there is no animosity towards them from us.
It is a very tricky situation and maybe it's about time we should sit down and discuss this matter with them both and clear the air.

My son and dil dpend Christmas mostly with her parents and her family - they are very close knit. Even when they come to us or we go to them its only for the day and thy rush off to her family for Boxing Day. They have their own special traditions different to ours. So Ive tried to make New Year our special time and invite them here for N Y Eve (party games etc,) family fun and special meal on N Y. day with a treat such as pantomime or Ice Skating tgrown in. This seems to keep everyone happy! Obviously present opening also , just when they are getting a bit tired of their other presents a week previously.

I would like to add a thank you for all your advice, some of it hard to swallow but with good intentions.
I know a leopard will never change its spots but I would like a less spotty leopard for once.
Life a b***h but like some have said take what you have and enjoy it.
I'll give it a go.

Blimey! I am inundated at Christmas because, being a "feeder" I provide a Dickensian repast and give money as presents. I have a houseful every year.

You're not going to 'clear the air' by sitting down with your son and DIL and discussing the matter - it's more likely you will cause a rift which might never be healed.

I agree with Ana clearing the air is the last thing you should do . If you can afford it why not book yourselves in somewhere nice for Christmas and try to have a lovely time . I do feel for you , it is hurtful to not be included . Get spending your Sons inheritance !

Reminds me of that old saying, when you have a daughter , you have a daughter for life, when you have a son it's until he takes a wife! I have taught myself rightly or wrongly to let it all go. It's ok once you get your head around it , myself & hubby had Christmas lunch out last year, something I never thought I would enjoy, but it was great &I will definitely do it again also it's better than thinking about not being included etc,then when I do see them all I make the most of it.its probably the best most of can hope for, also I View it as pay back time for when I was reluctant to go to or invite my in laws!?