How to help a friend through divorce

I am divorcing my husband of 38 years. It is terrifying but I can only do it because my friends are there for me. They listen, tell me to be strong and I feel their love and support.

Tell her to go and get some person-centred counselling. Once she has come to terms with what has happened she should go and learn Counselling Skills. In Scotland the COSCA (Counselling and Psychotherapy in Scotland) course can be taken in many FE colleges and universities. It takes 1 day a week over 24 days split into four modules to do it in a year.
She can then volunteer as Counsellor at a local voluntary organisation . She will make friends, have a purpose in life and the support of the Counselling community as she attends CPD and other events.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

moxeyns

You must have done Mindfulness, that is so the starting block, its also what people forget, In my humble opinion, that's the best of advice on here.

Don't necessarily expect that his family will be there for her. I am a widow (second marriage for both of us) and I was close to his family, often babysitting, always got on well but they dropped me as soon as he died. However close the step family has been, they tend to stick to their own. She may be lucky but I wouldn't count on it. The GP may be able to arrange counselling, which would take some of the strain from you.

I think all the above suggestions are really helpful - being a good friend who she knows is always there for her, and perhaps suggesting and supporting her in getting some professional counselling is all good. When she starts to adjust to being on her own, try to encourage her to be part of a new group or groups which will give her friendship and new activities to think about.After having to move to a new area on my own, I personally found the Women's Institute to be a good start.There are WIs in cities now. They were welcoming, inclusive, encouraging and not judgemental; and I got to do many interesting things I might never otherwise have done. Or suggest she pursue interests she may not have had enough time for before as part of a couple - community education day courses, perhaps, where she will find like-minded people.

I have not read all your replies, so you may have already heard of someone like myself.

For me though it was when my husband died when we lived in a barn far from a shop and transport. First my son kindly offered to have me and now I have my own property.
As this friend of yours doesn't want to be on her own I presume she has thought of finding a flat somewhere? She will then be with other people

Good God the last thing any newly Abandoned woman is going to do is go after the husbands of her friends. She needs the support of her friends to find her feet again. She needs friends to listen to her sorrow bewilderment and anger. She needs to share that for as long as she needs to and without being told she "should be over it by now". She also needs to go out and do the things she enjoys with friends.

Some women will abandon their friends at this time because they fear divorce may be "catching" or that it must have been her fault. Some women will offer a listening ear, but only to pick up gossip and pass it on.

DO NOT be one of those women. Support her and keep her business to yourself.

You sound a lovely, compassionate friend. Just be there for her.

I agree with those who have promoted listening and not judgeing. Encourage too, and go with her to some new activities, until she's ready to go alone. As the lovely person you describe she will make friends and hopefully enjoy being independent. (It's great being in sole charge of the TV remote!)
On a practical note - if it's appropriate - can I suggest exercise. It really lifts the mood and has many other benefits that will help at this time. Concentrating on something new in this way gives the mind much relief from sorrow. Perhaps joining a fitness centre or class, or a gym will help. Who knows - she may meet a lovely chap there when she's ready.
Best wishes to you both at this difficult time.

Talking and exercise are both great ideas. You could join an exercise class with her at first and have lunch/coffee afterwards. The fact that she thinks he will come back to her is a real problem, I have seen women hang on for years refusing to divorce the man because they believe this and I have seen the men use this to ensure they get more than their share of the joint property. Do try to build up her self confidence so that she begins to think she deserves better than him. Maybe spa days or pamper sessions? If she isn't working could she volunteer somewhere?

I second exercise. Yoga's nice, not too strenuous and "mindful".

A workmate of mine was telling me about his friend who was seeing a married lady and had introduced her to BDSM and was doing all sorts to her. It turned out to be his wife.

Old chestnuts but they do work - exercise, pursuing new activities,having people over, making sure that the diary is packed with plans. And don't let false friends get to you - stick to those who love you and want to help.