My daughter

I think it's wonderful to be in a position to help our 'children' out occasionally...

ninathenaa. No, you are definitely NOT being an idiot! You are doing what any loving parent does, and that is supporting your child through a hard time. It is natural, it is instinctive. Don't question it.

I have at different times supported all my DSs. If they need something they know I will do my best to help. They repay me constantly by being helpful,doing my garden and DIY, helping look after my mum and just being amusing and caring people. Money is only any good if you share it around and spend it on those you love.

Yes,Synonymous and Sugarpufffairy , my sisters said the same 'treat youself ' but I don't need treats , I'm happy as I am . The money's for 'rainy days' and emergencies for all of us not for only one spendthrift . I love my daughter just feeling a bit shocked by it .
It's good to share a moan !!
I'm excited by your dream plans , they sound like mine x .

Hi Synonymous,
The money I have is inheritance. The house I am in is the family home of 50+ years. I was a child when my parents got it. I know that legally the house and the money is mine but because it is inheritance I feel as if I have to be sensible and do what I think my parents would want. One thing the would not want is for their money to be used t make life comfortable for some "ne'erdowells". Since I realised that as you said to TiredOldWoman I think I will treat myself well. If I manage to get a new house I will be on here talking like mad about it. It is a good distance from here and rural rather than urban. It is my dream but kids said a dream is only a dream and not reality! I don't think they wanted me to move away.
Thanks for all your support
SPF

Sugarpuffairy I hope you get your new home and enjoy making it your own. Do let us know how you get on.
Your money is your own as is the decision as to how it is spent. It is bad enough to have to move to get away from ghastly neighbours but so sad to feel the need to move away to get some peace from your own family. I really feel for you. (((hugs)))

Thanks Synonymous, I was really beginning to doubt myself. I do love my kids but I don't think they see me as anything other than "the Bank".
Things are hopefully about to change for me. I was contacted about a property late on Friday and can not wait till Monday so I can put a bid in. It would take me a distance out the way.
I did try hard but they just wanted to be among "strange" people, not ones like those around her as a child.
Thanks for your words of support

Sugarpufffairy Why ever would you think that you have done everything wrong? I wouldn't want any connection with criminal activity either so would obviously support your decision in that.
There is such a thing as tough love too and it is a very hard thing to do. There certainly comes a time when due warning is given that this is the very last time and the closure of the bank of mum and dad is announced. After that you have to keep your word!

tiredoldwoma you are not wrong although perhaps your mum would have liked you to enjoy spending some money on yourself to make life easier for you. What do you think about that?

I Have had one child comeback to stay at the house in difficult times. She also had deposits paid for her for flats to rent. Her partners have had her homeless several times but she does not realise how abnormal that is. I have never said that she cant stay at my house and bring however many children she has back to the house. What I object to is that she expects me to support her partners who will neither work nor want.
The other child was homeless too with a baby only days old because she would rather be with the "questionable" partner and homeless than have her and her baby in a house. Again I refused to have her partner to live in my house. He engaged in criminal activities and I am not getting involved in that.
However with the comments here I wonder have I done everything wrong?

So long as I have a roof over my head my daughters have been and always will be welcome. They are in their 30s now and both have returned home with children when falling on hard times, I just pick them up and help them in every way possible. That's what mums do. Happily all is well with them both and their families now - which gives me time to indulge on grans net!

I would like to be able to help my DCs but the demand was constant and at the same time I was being used abused and disregarded not to mention disrespected. They tell all and sundry that I have money which is something which is confidential and with them constantly saying it to anyone and everyone I feel it puts me at risk of robbery especially living alone.
I am not physically fit but I am not helped with any DIY however they expect me to help with DIY and babysitting and money without even a kind word. They tell all sorts of people that I have money and I feel this puts me at risk of robbery. I was at a medical appointment which it was insisted that I took one of them. The Dr was told all about my finances and how I wont spend any.
A lot depends on how the DCs treat their parents, and how the money is distributed, is it by the parents' wishes or by the demand of the children. How do the children treat their parents? That would be a major influence.
Every case will be different and individual feelings will come into play too.

I inherited some money from my Mum and have put it into ISAs plus high interest long term accounts . I can't/won't touch it for myself but it seems my daughter thinks it's a communal tap ?
I class it as my Mum's hard earned money not to be fluttered away on whims and fancies . Maybe I'm wrong .

tiredoldwoman

What a sad story TOW your daughter must know your financial circumstances, surely. She should be ashamed!

I've helped my eldest daughter out regularly . I went on holiday , put money in an envelope for her, and one each for the kids for when I was away . I left my bank card at home for safety . When I got back , money was missing from my tinny and my bank account had payments to EE and Amazon . Turned out after I'd phoned the companies that she'd used my bank card to make these payments and forced her wee girl into coming into my house and take money from my tin . (I'd told my grand daughter where emergency money was in case she needed money for school dinners etc .) When I asked her if she'd used my card , was all apologetic saying that it was a mistake , she'd return the money the very next day , Havn't seen her since !
I'm disheartened and broke . I clean houses on my hands and knees while she gets her eye lashes permed !
Tinny is now well hidden , no responsibility on the child, no hidey hole money anywhere for their emergencies . Very sad .

I wouldn't hesitate to help my dcs out if it was needed.
We're far from well off but I couldn't stand back and do nothing.

I helped to support my daughter and her partner when they were struggling. As far as I'm concerned, family ties are worth more than any amount of money. Now they are well -to-do professionals, and I am a pensioner, but they make sure I never want for anything.
It breaks my heart to hear of parents who can't or won't stand by their children when they are in difficulties.

Yes I would help her all I could as she is trying so hard to help herself working and studying.

I have helped both my step daugter and my step son financially when they needed it and now that theyre both settled I still enjoy giving them spontanious gifts.
I even buy gifts for their pets....kittens in one case and a horse in the other !!

Absolutely agree with everyone. Better to support when the DCs are in need, if you can that is. All our children have needed emergency support, financial and/or emotional which we have (and still do) willingly provided. There is a difference between this and lazy offspring who take their parents for granted.

Our children have always been very grateful and stand on their own when they can.

ninathenana We should do what we can for our children but I do hope that you Daughter is given the opportunity of doing what she can to help in your home even if you feel that you don't need/want it (respects her status as family and not simply a non-paying lodger).

Nina you are doing what every parent would if they could and if it was needed.

I always made my DC contribute to household expenses in even a very small way once they were earning. I saved it when I could and it was given to them when they set up their own home. The only stipulation was that it was confidential so that nobody came to expect anything.

I think we never stop helping our kids, as we are able. We've given money towards a deposit (and hope to be able to do 2 more when required), taken DC and DGC on holidays. One DS and family lives nearby and I often drop in food parcels - tell him they're offers BOGOFFs etc. Youngest DS still lives at home, contributes a small amount and lives very well! DD & family currently living abroad so occasional packages sent but more often I just put some money in their bank and tell them yo have a nice lunch or buy DGC an ice cream etc. I'm in my mid sixties and still work full time, partly so I can go on doing this for them.
I know it's stupid but I even worry about them getting old and me not being around to help in any way

I would die for my children so I have supported them as they needed help. No need for a discussion.
When the boot is on the other foot, God forbid, they will support me. Isn't that how it works?
Obviously I am not hoping to need support, but when I see young Mothers being mean to their offspring, it does cross my mind .....if the boot was on the other foot ...mmmm

We support all our old people who are in their 90's now. We do it with our time and don't expect any payment. In fact it is costing us money now but they were nice to us when we were Young.