unfaithful husband

An affair at any age is so very sad for everyone involved and only you in your heart will know what the right decision is in whether you stay or whether you go and the reasons for doing this. We shouldn't judge but support your decision. If I could offer something, it would be to talk to him to understand what is going on and why as the not knowing will eat you up and as you've said, you don't need additional stress. It may not be what you think as things are so very often much worse in our heads. Letting him know that you are aware something is going on gives you back the power and to some extent control. I do however also like the fun ideas of getting 'him back' :-).

I am so sorry, you must be devastated, big hugs

can i ask why you stopped sharing a bed?

I agree with Jenty61.

Make enquiries at CAB, or online, about how you would support yourself if you kick him out separate from him. That could include getting financial support from him.

You may never actually separate, but having the information would help you to feel you are in a stronger position, whatever happens.

Do not move out of your home - lady friend might move in.

Find and throw away his stock of Viagra.

Agree with jing

Mind you at 80!!!! Respect

Thank you, thank you everyone. All your comments have been so helpful and it has been wonderful being able to discuss it with you all and hearing all your thoughts and ideas. Definitely food for thought.

you must think about the bigger picture here...I understand that you are financially dependant on him but have you thought about what happens when he dies? has he changed his will and left everything to his girlfriend? where do you stand?
if it were me I would confront him and get things out in the open...

as others have said start an escape fund you may well need it....from experience living in the situation you are living in isnt easy you need to find the strength to boot him out and het on woth a life for youself not be dragged down and live the rest of your life like you are...

How old is his 'friend'?

Sorry to hear about your situation. Hold in there and amass yourself a run away fund for a time when you just need a break away from him. Dont tell him just leave a note saying ie friend needs me, back soon. Go to a hotel, spa or theatre - whatever cheers you up. You deserve it and be kind to yourself without guilt.

And could you find a slightly more friendly username?

A pair of rusty garden shears kept handy for when you get sick of his philandering.
I am a little surprised actually because most 80 year olds I know would not be able to perform in that department.
Dirty old bugger.

if you are staying with him, keep a log of his "activities" just in case. Get a secret account as others have said. Make sure you keep up with your activities. Meet friends for lunch / evenings when he is out and about. Don't have dinner on the table / laundry done as you are " too busy" . Go on holiday with / or without him. Please yourself. Keep that psychological distance in order to stop yourself being too upset by his infidelity.

Good for you 2J8DATLAS. Definitely don't get stressed about it.

wot

Thank you everyone - it helps to get your advice. I've decided I'm staying with him, if he wants a divorce he'll have to fight for it. I'll do all the food suggestions and will think up other ways to make him squirm!! Haven't lost my sense of humour even though I'm very hurt. Stress affects your health and don't want that to happen.

And chilli power in his underpants,

And senna pods in his breakfast cereal.

Exlax in his bedtime cocoa.

Yes, my belief is that all women should have some 'secret' money, also known as the escape fund.

Get some money into a "secret" account of your own PDQ.
Plan ahead, revenge may ease the pain of his deceit.

I'm not bothered about the sexual side of it at all. I just can't deal with the feelings of betrayal and the deceit. It's the stress I need to deal with but don't know how.

I think he is one of these men who enjoys having affairs. Don't know why I think that, just gut feeling. I don't share a bed with him and haven't done for a few years now so maybe that's why he seeks solace elsewhere. He certainly doesn't pay for it and they both send each other loving emails, but not over the top. He has always been secretive and is quite emotionally repressed. He's the life and soul of a party and all friends and acquaintances love him. Since it started there has been absolutely no change in his behaviour towards me. Pays for everything for me, is very pleasant and kind and you really wouldn't know what is going on. I reckon it's just a sexual thing

As for emotions, just concentrate on what a cheating old sod he is.

Why can't you see a solicitor about a divorce? You've been married fourteen years. Half of everything would come to you wouldn't it?

Other than that pack the daft old bug man's bags and leave them outside next time he is off on one of his trips. And get a locksmith lined up.

What other scenario could anyone possibly come up with?

How did you find out? Are you absolutely certain about the nature of the relationship?