unfaithful husband

Yes, sex is an important part of a marriage/long term partnership but if its the most important part, I suspect the relationship is built on sand. There is much more to a successful partnership than sex. I'm with wot who expresses strong feelings about the implicit expectation in so many posts here that the OP is somehow responsible for her husband's infidelity.
There are many reasons why men or women are no longer able to enjoy or even participate in a sexual relationship, that may have been extremely happy and satisfying earlier in their relationship. The absence of the act isn't a sanction for infidelity and deceit.

My mum and dad always stressed the importance of respect between couples. There's no worse feeling that one has to have relations with a partner that isn't , for one reason or another, respectful.

wot I feel you are really distorting what I said. And I don't think there has been any of the elements you mention cited here (being dirty, etc). Sex is a strong part in a marriage, for BOTH parties- without either 'being expected to service' - what a horrible expression.

But without knowing how and why the sexual element disapperared- it's difficult to discuss.

Personally I'd rather live without less money and in more modest circumstances, than in a relationship where respect has gone. Probably just me- fair enough.

Happened to me: I started divorce proceedings which frightened the arse off him because he didn't want to part with his assets. I decided to stick with him because I didn't want to suffer a lower standard of living, but on the understanding he gave up his mistress. He did, but our relationship ( we've been married over 50 years) is badly flawed. I forced him to buy a place for me in the SW and he had a new house built in our old back garden. We visit one another and spend Christmas with the whole family. He gives me a generous allowance. The hurt and pain of his deceit is a constant thought at the back of my mind, even after many years, as we were both professing Christians. I lost respect for him and we have a stilted relationship. My women friends are my saviours. I go on lots of holidays with them as he is a grumpy old git who doesn't know how to either enjoy the freedom of retirement or to please others. He's what my mother would have called " A small parcel". I hope I don't sound smug: I get terrible pangs of envy when I see loving old couples - but since marriage is a mystery, what do I know? 2J8DATLAS look after yourself; be selfish and know you are superior to the deluded old man you married.

2J - how sad for you, but even sadder if you don't make plans now. you must 'follow the money' as the saying goes, or you will have yet another bitter pill to swallow.Poverty is horrible so avoid it at all costs.

Unfortunately some posts here are a bit wrong - you won't automatically get 50% of his estate. That's a bit of a mix up with the rules for avoiding capital gains tax. He can will his money to a cats' home if he wants to. Then fighting it will drain the pot dry.

I wouldn't go to a solicitor yet - you certainly won't have much money left after that legal lot have done you over and there is no legal aid now. There are many excellent books in proper bookshops (like Waterstones) which will explain the laws of inheritance and your rights.

However, keep stashing the cash and keep it secret.

The other important thing is not to see yourself as a victim. Victimhood will drain the life out of you. Do things and meet people who make you happy. We only come here once and we shouldn't waste the time we have. I wish you all the best, especially the strength to take the high ground. x

Would agree with the others, tuck away a secret fund just in case he I'd decide to leave you or you decide to leave him. Psychologically, you have the upper hand if he does not know that you know so you could have fun getting your revenge as well. Get him to spoil you, bring you flowers, be nice to him one day, ignore him the next, use the food suggestions, the possibilities are endless and only you will know what's going on and why. Good luck and stay strong xx

Sorry, but I feel disgusted. Is it a wife's duty to have sex with a husband that might be physically very dirty, or treats the wife badly?? Have you considered that the wife "is going without" too? Surely feeding, cleaning, etc etc is hard work enough without having to service someone who doesn't behave in a civilized manner?

2J8DATLAS I feel for you as I was in the same position myself, I found out very early on in the affair and left it for 13 months before I confronted both of them, He ended the affair and after some counselling we are happier then ever it took time though, what ever you do don't get stressed that won't help you need to be strong and think it through and talk to someone about it, get some advice and do what ever suits you, we are all different, maybe calmly ask him about it, I did lots of investigating to see how the land laid and if he wanted to leave me or not, trust me it's not going to be easy what ever you choose to do, just remember he is the cheat not you, do it for you and go spend some money and enjoy yourself, hope you get sorted and it works out well for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this- but I do agree with others that if you have 'withdrawn' sexual contact with your DH- then what is he supposed to do? Would you prefer if he paid for it? Have you discussed his feelings about the matter and what you would agree as acceptable. If he still has sexual desire (and at 80 I can't help but think 'bravo') it's unfair to just expect him to live with the frustration. Maybe for him the lack of physical contact makes hime feel unloved?

I know many say stay with him as he gives you a nice home and financial security, but personally I couldn't.

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

The anger will get better though.

I feel it would be better to tell him you are aware and try to talk about what's going on.

If sexually you do not mind then maybe you can come to some agreement about what sexual fidelity means to you.

If this affair is just about the physical and your husband has no real affection for this lady and you don't mind once its out in the open maybe your marriage could work for you both.

He obviously needs you emotionally and if sex is no longer on your agenda it does not mean its not on his.

Some years ago I did a large research project into sexuality and the elderly....their are people whose lives are highly enhanced and more healthy from continuing into sexual relationships into their 90's !

It is a natural part of being human and a need that differs from person to person.

I feel the break in trust that you are experiencing and the betrayal is very painful. You do have a choice...you can stay or divorce.

Some Men can sometimes need sex to feel loved by the women they are with, where as women need to feel loved and cherished in order to feel like having sex. Maybe you could think and discuss about these issues before you make any final decision.

Couple counseling may be a good start to recover your selves from this betrayal and you may feel stronger and happier as a couple again from using couples counseling.

Just a different perspective .. It seems you have a pretty good relationship apart from his playing away . If you don`t want a physical relationship and he has found an `outlet` then why rock the boat . You have financial security, you say he is kind and treats you well , it sounds like a good trade off to me. I would do nothing to let him know you know , do what others have said and squirrel a bit of money away just in case . If you want a bit more emotional closeness he may be open to that , but I would just get on with your life and enjoy what you have .

So sorry to hear of your situation.Keep your chin up and your wallet full!!!!!.

If you subtly want him to know you know - just pack up his stuff and deliver it to her house in the night with a note saying "here's your kit, dont come back" The onus will then be on him - you can just sit tight. He will then know that he is vulnerable to possible legal action and may decide to give her up. I say this because if it carries on, longterm it's going to eat you up and damage your health. You cant just pretend to ignore it - that is too much of a cop out.
Betrayal is a terrible thing to live with - I know believe me. When I saw the light, I started saving and checking out my financial security, but nothing compensates for the pain.
Dirty old grandads - who needs em.

Twenty two years ago I decided I had had enough of a serial b*****d. He used to go out dancing and God knows what else on a Tuesday evening. I gave him a big surprise on one Tuesday, I left him! He didn't suspect that for weeks before I was getting another place ready for me to live and had moved quite a lot of my things into it. I then hired a removal van and with the help of a friend took what I wanted and that was that.I would have loved to see the shock on his smug face when he got home that Tuesday. Life has been brilliant since then and I have remarried a respectful, gentle person. Don't lose your self respect. You deserve better.

Ha ! I sympathise ! been there, done that twice (though the second was a partner not a husband !) first one was a compulsive gambler, second one a womaniser ..... the key is preparation preparation, preparation ! Luckily I was working for a divorce lawyer at the time the first one left .... My first advice would be : don't rock the boat ....quietly prepare by saving as much as you can without arousing suspicion (if you have a joint account) ......looking round to see what options you have if you decide to end the marriage ..see a good divorce lawyer for first preparative steps to see your legal entitlement, i.e. as regards the house, his pension, any insurance policies or investments he has (If you can, if you don't know, find out as much as possible !) .....this will put your mind at rest that a move on is, if you decide on it, possible. If he if fit and healthy the prospect of any money from the sale of the house being required for care might not be an element (or someone may say it was intentional disposal !) Open a separate account at a different bank, or, if you cannot find a bank to open an account with, the Post Office is always an option ..and you can opt to have your pension/s paid into that account as well. If you have any other income of your own, i.e. annuity, investments, etc find out if they are safe from the declaration of assets as you will have a reduced standard of living if you leave.

Assess your situation. If you are quite happy for it to continue as it is, then I would sit tight, save, ask for advice and play the waiting game if you can bear it ! Meanwhile, try to find out where he is going - hire a private detective just for your own knowledge if you don't want to divorce ...at least you will know ! Once you have found out who the 'other woman' is it is for you to decide whether to try to get to know her ....or to let her know you know about liaisons with your husband ...or just keep the info and evidence for future reference .....

You can turn your life around .....my present husband is now 83 and I am 69 this year ...he now has vasculaire dementia, in the early stages, and is often very aggressive and difficult to live with. There have been terrible times when I have wanted to leave but would feel guilty ! I just used most of my secret savings to refurbish the house - new kitchen, central heating, etc so now have to start again .....which I already have ! Trouble is, how much time have I got ? who knows ! should I spend it feeling that I would rather not be here with him, or feel guilty and go ? ...decisions !

I, too, hate deceit. i would be unable yo live in a situation like yours. Of course we don't know the circumstances, but my gut reaction is to ask you if you want to salvage the marriage (which, as someone posted, involves a lot more than sex and money). If so, why not talk openly to him, bring it all into the open, and seek couple counselling...that is, if he too wants to salvage the mattiage?

As usual, I'm looking for facts and a balanced view.

www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce
www.justdivorce.co.uk/unreasonable-behaviour

Two interesting links about divorce. The first shows that, if you know who he's having the affair with, you have to start proceedings within six months of finding out. The second link (points l and m) show that the OP's husband has grounds for divorce too, since she won't sleep with him. Divorce is a very expensive process. Some say the only winners are the lawyers.

Many posters are almost condoning what he is doing because the OP doesn't share a bed with her husband. Is sex really the only thing that matters in a marriage? My DH and I had a full and satisfying sex life but when I was undergoing treatment for cancer and for months after I lost all interest in sex. I did become worried and asked him if it was making a difference between us - his reply was that it wouldn't matter if we never had sex again, he was just glad I was still alive and in his life. (fortunately my sex drive did return - with a vengence!!!)

Actually, I feel sorry for the poster's DH. We have been told that he is a kind, well liked man, but they dont share a bed. Sharing a bed isnt about sex it is about closeness, cosiness, chatting as you nod off and as you wake up. I am rather dismayed that all the poster can talk about is the financial implications of the affair that her DH may be having. Why not find out if he is, ask him for heaven's sake, and then sit down and find out why he found it necessary to have this affair. there is more to a relationship than sex and finances.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of attempting to give advice in a case like this. There are far too many unknowns involved. Many of the "wise words" on here are based on massive, unsubstantiated assumptions which have been made on the basis of little or no knowledge of the circumstances. Irresponsible, and potentially damaging. The only "advice" I would offer is to ignore them and to seek a solution yourself, based on what you know to be fact.

I think you should see a solicitor to see how you stand financially. Don't see why he should get away with this. If you get a divorce you would be able to enjoy the rest of your life.

Oh dear I am probably going to get shot down in flames for this but in my opinion it is asking for trouble if you are not sharing intimacy with your sexually active partners. What do you expect of them? Years of frustration or masturbation? I speak from personal experience of this, my ex husband was not interested in the physical side of our marriage after he turned 45, I stuck it for 10 years. My now husband's ex wife announced that their sex life was finished when he was 56, he stuck it for 8 years. Luckily we found each other 13 years ago and have had a full and active sex life ever since.

Put itching power in his pants .He will think the other woman has given him STI

Apart from the other woman, do you have a good marriage? You say he's kind etc. Are you the same with him? I suppose I'm really asking are you still close emotionally? I know you don't have sex but do you still have cuddles etc. or is there nothing physical?

He obviously still has physical needs and surely it's more healthy for him to have a lady for that purpose. Is she a f*ck buddy? I had one before I met DH. We were affectionate but we both knew we would never go further than how we were. We met each others emotional and physical needs at the time. This might be how it is with your husband and his lady friend.

Just check the financial stuff. Make sure money isn't disappearing from saving accounts and suggest that you check that your wills are up to date. That way you can check that his still leaves everything to you . Who's name is the house in?

Bless your heart, am sure you are ding what's best for you both.