Grumpy husband - is it just old age?

My DH, formerly the kindest most patient person in the universe, has definitely become more grumpy in the past few years- since he hit his 70th birthday, in fact. I think it is because he feels he is slowing down physically (as you do) and isn't dealing with it very well. Little things he would have taken in his stride now completely throw him off kilter. He no longer has a balanced opinion on anything at all, and when anyone mentions the referendum debate, I have to leave the room! But we have been shackled to each other for 50 years next month, and I am pretty difficult to live with myself. The one who worries me is my son. He has always had a grumpy streak, and can be a bit mercurial, but is mostly good to be around. However, he told me recently that he has been on prescribed medication for mood swings for two years, which I was totally unaware of. There is apparently a possibility he might be suffering from depression. I'm stunned, quite frankly. I know he has had some emotional difficulties in his life, and I wonder whether he has just not dealt with them as well as we all thought he had.

So many of these posts are upsetting because they illustrate that what should be some of the best years of our lives as retired couples are not always fulfilled. It could be the case that the Gransnetters who have posted are representative of thousands of other couples. Perhaps we need some proper research into issues of this kind which occur in retirement. We don't feel that we want to complain because, comparatively, we are so lucky, but, nonetheless, we need to have a greater awareness how to overcome what might be common problems.

Its really difficult living with a grumpy male. I think mine realises that if he starts, I either tell him to stop or get up and walk out of the room. There's no more negotiation as it becomes a habit, and unacceptable.

Are we sure it's just men? Gagagran's post could have described me. I get grumpy when there's jobs to be done.

I think men get sullen and grumpy.

Golly Holdthetonic I have one of those as well although fair to say he isn't rude, just often grumpy and argumentive. He disagrees with almost everything I say and appears to have left his sense of humour somewhere. I didn't marry a grumpy old man but the day he turned seventy he became one and has never looked back. I truly believe it's an age thing and sadly, other than tell you you are not alone, I don't know what else to say. I do think though that retirement can mean spending too much time together and for some it simply doesn't work in which case there may be a decision to be made.

My DH has Jekyll and Hyde personality, happy and cheerful when golfing or at the pub, rude, sulky, controlling, negative when at home! Fed up with trying to appease him, just do my own thing and let him get on with it! He has a reputation for not being happy unless he's miserable, but it does bring me down occasionally. We are really only together for financial reasons, but it seems such a waste, we could have a lovely life if he'd just cheer Up! He is fine when we are out with friends.

I know I should leave, but I love my home and all the other bits of my life. Cowardly too ....

As you pointed out at the end, try and ignore him, or have you asked if there is anything he is concerned about.
My husband and it appears my father-in-law, were both grumpy, but now my husband has died I realize how much I miss his grumpiness etc.So do enjoy the life you have with him, as you mentioned he is a bit older than yourself.

I've just read this thread from the beginning and am pleased to find I am not alone. My Grumpy is lovely most of the time but please don't mention immigration, modern ways of bringing up children, most TV programmes, the state of the roads (potholes) or our neighbours. Oh yes, or Tesco (don't ask).

Men live me these are so two faced! All nicey nicey in public and rotten at home!

Men like these, I meant.

All this puts me in mind of Pam Ayres' poem "They should have asked my husband". Google it if you haven't heard it. You've got to laugh....

My husband has been grumpy all his life - not all the time, but enough to annoy every other member of the family. It's hard to tell whether he is any worse now that he is in his 60s...God, I hope he isn't going to get worse with age! I don't think I could stand it.

What really makes me grit my teeth is the fact that, to those he lives with, he is a control freak and yet outsiders always say "Oh, he's so laid-back...so easy-going..." Ha! You wouldn't think so if you lived with him.

But, as people here have said, I would miss everything about him, including his grumpiness, if he wasn't here.

I'd agree with fiorentina51 - sounds to me very likely to be either depression or early stage dementia. More likely depression, which can be treated very successfully.

My husband is 72, with Rheumatoid Arthriti; Atrial Fibrillation; BPPV; Type 2 Diabetes; recurrent severe kidney infections and treated depression, and with all that he makes the effort 99 times out of 100 to be cheerful as he can manage for me.

So it's not about ageing - it's something specific to your husband.

I have just been reading all your posts about this my husband is like that but his memory is gone terrible. I cant get him to go to the doctor. We just came back from a lovely holiday with my family and he was awful to some of them more than one of them remarked on the change in him I don't know where to turn I can't go to the doctor on his behalf and I don't even know if there is any treatment for it I am really worried today I asked him to put something with the ironing and he was going upstairs to put it in his wardrobe it was one of my tops. He does things like this all the time and then says it was a joke or that people do this all the time. If I say he is wrong about something he has forgotten he goes mad screaming at and calling me a liar. I dont know what I am going to do and it is frightening seeing this happening. Does anyone have any idea where I can get help and how do I get him to the doctor .I hope someone out there can give me some idea's on what to do or where to go we are booked to go to a different family members in August and I hadn't seen any of my family for fourteen years and I am afraid he will be horrible to these as well as the others

Mary294 could you speak to his doc on the phone and ask doc to make a home visit on some pretence. Sounds like an assessment of your dh is needed. And some respite for you. Could you visit family in August on your own ?

Muswellblue, I read the poem and it made me laugh, particularly the reference to immigration - I'm beginning to dread the news now just in case it's mentioned as its guaranted to set him off. And do you know what I've heard it all before! And as for the referendum, please don't mention that, talk about repeat yourself it's doing my head in.

Goodness Coolgran65 are you joking when you say 'Get his doc to make a home visit?'

I have been hard pressed to get a GP to visit my 100 year old MIL, and when I was very ill last year - turned out I had meningitis/septicaemia - I couldn't get a GP to visit me until the last minute. I ended up in Intensive Care and nearly didn't make it.

If someone is not 'officially' housebound, GP's want you to go to the surgery.

That's my experience anyway. Sorry if this is a bit off topic!

So true smile

Mr Teetime Chief Sigher and Tutter isn't short of testosterone. Just Saying

Show-off! My DH is always cheerful. What does that say?

something no-one seems to have mentioned much. These men had all achieved some sort of position they understood in their working lives One of authority where they could be the boss. At home you are the wife, the team, the underling etc etc and they need to relearn the wholescheme of things, rebalance the situation . You have been used to your own life and he could be quite grumpy about loss of power. Secondly, as mentioned before, the age difference between spouses.My husband , at over 80 ,is now aging far more quickly than I am 7 years younger. They maybe don't like being too dependent here either.

Bunch we should put them in a room together!!

It's called the Pub.

Having read all the posts one thing stands out and that is some posters are actually suffering emotional abuse. You wouldn't put up with being hit so why put up with the bad behaviour. If they can be pleasant outside the home they are abusing you by being nasty at home. Been there and you dont have to live like that. You tell them you are not happy with their attitude and suggest things change or else.