MIL - how do I tackle this?

Don't go and see them. Life's too short to be miserable so often. If it results in a barrage of offended phone calls etc. get caller ID and don't answer their calls. You don't have to be nice to them just because they're parents/PILS - would you go and visit anyone else who treated you this badly? Unless you are getting something good out of this relationship which justifies continuing it, take control over it and just stop it. It might make them see sense and change their behaviour, or it might not. Either way, you'll be in control of your reactions and your husband might feel a greater degree of peace.

I appreciate the advice. I really want it to work better, though. I don't think DH would see them as often if I didn't come - not my choice but his!!- and I do want them to retain a relationship as I think everyone would be sad if they didn't. I just don't want the condition of that relationship to be me accepting the constant bossing/unsolicited advice.

They do love him, they are just completely oblivious to how they come over socially (and self-interested: they don't see what they don't choose to see).

It sounds pretty sad already! Not seeing them would at least be a more comfortable sadness (no vomiting, for instance).

Thank goodness they live no closer! Do they initiate the contacts that you do have?

I am sorry to hear about your surgery and resulting infertility. I do hope this couple do not keep dropping hints about babies - that would be a nightmare.

I think that you are very good to see as much of them as you do. I guess they do not deserve to be visited if FIL is so unpleasant.

I would keep it to a minimum if I were you - life is too short for this misery.

We have talked and talked about mothers in laws. If she is vile, give her a miss and spare yourself years of heartache. You will never be good enough for her until she sees you as an equal who loves her son as much as you do. (differently of course. )

I am so sorry to hear about your own health problems.

As for the PIL's I'm with dramatictessa, don't visit or keep visits down to once a year. Are they unaware of their behaviour/attitude or is it a deliberate ploy with them? It sounds excruciating!

It certainly doesn't sound like a healthy relationship between them and any of their family and if they (your husband and his brother) aren't able to confront their parents, or if they've tried in the past to no avail then the only way is to distance yourselves from them. Yes, it's sad for everyone concerned but they have brought it on themselves by being so unbearable.

If your husband is so affected by the thought of seeing them it's really not worth it! Life is too short.

Just to add - people often tell me they want a particular relationship to work or at least be maintained for so many different reasons (e.g.it just should be/would be so sad if it wasn't/they'd feel guilty if it wasn't/the other people involved will hate them if they stop the relationship). None of these are valid reasons - relationships can only really be maintained if both sides are prepared to be kind to each other, and it sounds like your PILS are not. They do not deserve your husband's unconditional love, or yours. It sounds very harsh, but life really is too short for all this misery, especially when it is making your husband ill.

A sister in law came home on a visit from Oz. Will never know what she said (permanent troublemaker sadly) but MIL was then obviously miffed with DH and I. Stuck it out for a few weeks then DH (normally so mild and loved his Mum) told her in no uncertain terms that this behaviour had to stop. If it didn't he would vote with his feet and stay away with me and DGC.
Next afternoon, while he was at work, I went to see her. We had a frank (but not unkind) exchange of views. I told her straight I had never seen DH so angry and, unless she sorted things out she would not see him again.
I told DH of my visit when he got in from work; she rang later and apologised but wouldn't say what had happened.
Normal visits were resumed. Never brilliant but not as before.
I recommend facing up to them and give them the choice.

I would recommend facing up to them and giving them the choice but I doubt your DH is up to it.
I would go for minimum contact and then let it wash over you. Smile, nod, totally ignore . If you need to to say something stick with 'really'.

I agree with Newquay. However difficult it may be, you have to get this out into the open. If nothing changes, then avoid them as much as you can. It sounds as though both you and DH will be a lot happier! I hope you soon feel better - this is something you could certainly do without!

I know that the other gransnetters are so right but I am such a coward when dealing with problems like this, I just can't cope with confrontation and I always end up feeling like the guilty one. Is it possible to cut the long weekend's a bit shorter. For example, if you as always go Friday to Monday could you just do Saturday morning to Sunday tea time. Then, once you had that established, you could make it every 4 months instead of 3. I know it's not a solution but if it cuts the time you're in their company by half it might feel a bit more manageable.

And/or could you stay somewhere else nearby, rather than in their home.

I can see the merit of speaking clearly to them about the problem but if neither of you can cope with that, at present, then distancing yourselves or cutting off contact may be the way to go.

Don't keep flogging a dead horse.

Who is going to benefit from this horrible contact ? Not your OH , not you , and the PIL are so oblivious I don't think they would miss you ! Please look after you OH and yourself xxxxxxxxx

I can't understand how you can say your PiL love your DH. For them to induce such anxiety in him that he vomits or can't get out
of bed, the relationship must have been emotionally abusive in the past. That is not love.

Op life is too short for all this hassle.
I too had to deal with this not from pil but my own family.
The issue of infertility is a hot topic.
We made up our mind we were now a family unit us against the world
It gave us great confidence in each other
We did adopt 2 boys and now have a precious grandaughter..
My pil were great as we did not succumb to any pressure.....
We learned to show we were a family even if it only had us
2 in it
My husband was an only son and mil adored gs

Agree with grannyben . I hate confrontation so her suggestion of cutting it short, Saturday to Sunday is a good compromise . You will never change these people no matter how much discussion there is , it would be a matter of damage limitation by seeing them less .
Sorry to hear of your health problems xx

grannyben's is a good suggestion, but I think people who are so confrontational, as the PiLs in this story clearly are, would find a shortening of visits confrontational in itself. I think I simply wouldn't visit for a while (say, a year), and I'd stop answering the phone when they rang. This isn't confrontational, it's backing away from their behaviour: simply not allowing them to 'poke' me with their verbal weapons.

When it seemed clear they'd got the message that I wasn't to be pushed so much as in the oast, I'd tentatively restart visits, but only half day visits to begin with, so that my escape route was always clear.

Yes, different points of view here of course but we all agree you can't carry on like this. So hope you find some way through this. Look after yourselves?

Thank you all so much for your advice. Much to ponder here!

I genuinely don't think NC is an option. DH would find that more difficult, I think, than the limited contact that we have. He has been better since the counselling, but he is very far from being calm and relaxed around them. I think he manages by having this rhythm of weekly phonecalls (where nothing is really discussed) and three or four yearly visits. Because he is the primary person to suffer here, I have to take my cues from what he feels most comfortable with, right? I think his sense of guilt would be overwhelming if he did cut off contact. I agree that this is a legacy of the emotional control he suffered for many years at their hands, but I can't just magic that away. I have encouraged him to seek more help, but he is now very happy and functional in every aspect of life apart from this one.

I do agree, though, that shorter visits are key. It's actually nice when we see them for the first half day - after that, the bossing and control kick in more and more. Keeping it to a two day/one night stay might work better. When we see them, it is very, very full on. They don't really relate to anyone (including us) as people - instead, what they want to do is to race around an area visiting all of the stately homes and being cooked for! If you try to talk to them at any personal level, they instantly clam up and don't know what to do. I think there is an empathy deficit behind this - they lack some kind of ability to put themselves in other peoples' shoes, or to react to an appeal for personal interaction. DH recently got a major promotion that he's been working towards for years, and their response was 'Oh, I suppose we'll see you even less now'.

I'm making them sound really bad but they are not vile or monsters. They aren't even confrontational (it would be much, much easier if they were). They are just two people who have lived in their own bubble for a very, very long time (they retired young). FIL has depression, for which he's never really had proper treatment, and is highly negative as a person - he makes Eeyore look a cheery soul. MIL's way of coping has been to ignore him and breeze through. After 50 years, the result is that they both ignore each other and everyone else! They don't mean to be nasty, but they are a bit selfish and will tend to ignore anything that doesn't play into the situation they want to exist. There is no ability there to pick up the subtle social cues that other people react to. So you know when you suggest doing something, and you're looking for a reaction and if someone seems less than enthused, you let it go and move on? Well, there's none of that! To be heard, you literally have to bellow the message at them in a way that feels so unambiguous that it is rude. Part of this is a lack of communication skills, but part of it is, I think, a bit deliberate, a way of getting their own way.

The best way I can describe it is that being with them is like being smothered. Care and solicitude are only shown in ways that feel bossy and controlling. There is no emotional space for other people!

"I can't understand how you can say your PiL love your DH. For them to induce such anxiety in him that he vomits or can't get out
of bed, the relationship must have been emotionally abusive in the past. That is not love."

This

I agree with Tresco. And I bet if you pull out (tell DH you're not going anymore, but he's free to do so), he'll CO them, himself, very quickly. Try it.

If not, then, yes, shorter visits, less often. And leave if they become insufferable. Protect yourselves.

Does your DH understand how upsetting the whole situation is, for you?
Of course you don't want to pressure him but maybe letting him know how it affects you could give him a new viewpoint and a new reason to take control, for your good.

Could you put your original post into a letter to them? They have to realise that their communication and interaction has repercussions. I agree that some contact is preferential as its a shame when families lose contact.

I do feel for you walterbenjamin .. family problems are so very difficult to deal with. Why don't you reduce contact a bit - maybe two night stays rather than three and have you thought about having a short holiday with them at a hotel. This would ensure that you can get some time away from them. DH has had counselling but cannot seem to break the ties and you have to come to terms with your own issues. It sounds as though in laws also find the relationship hard to manage and seem to keep offering "advice" rather than being able to talk to you. Don't give up but take the lead sometimes - it sounds as that in laws need advice too. Good luck