Strange Emotions

I could relate to your post Sugarpuff I had the same experience when I was in my early forties. A very pleasant single man I had previously worked with and got on well with went to give me a hug one day when we met on the street. I stiffened and stepped back, his face dropped. I felt terrible, it wasn't him it was me. I believe it was from having no physical contact with anyone besides hugging my children that made me react in that way. My marriage had broken up a few years earlier.

I was like that for a few years, I turned down dates from some very nice men. I think it was my lack of confidence with men, having only one brother, only female cousins and going to an all girls school and marrying the man I met when I was sixteen. I eventually got past it and if someone gave me a hug now it wouldn't bother me at all.

I never used to hug my brother when we met up and we get on well, though I made the effort a few years ago and hug him now when I see him. He is the only other adult family member I spend any time with nowadays. I often think we are a product of our upbringing.

There wasn't one near us - so we started one up! That's how they spread. If you contact the central U3A they will tell you how best to go about it.

I think U3A is only in certain parts of the UK. I cant find any near me or even a fair bit from me.

That seems such a lot for the U3A, ours is £10 and we pay at each meeting too. If it us a way of getting out and that us what it costs it only works out at under a £1.00 per week and you might get such a lot out if it. For me it has been invaluable to be with others on their own when all my friends were coming up to retiring with their husbands.

Lupatria I can't believe your U3A is £47, our is £20 because it's new, and people complain because others nearby are only £15. It might be worth checking to see if you have another one near you.

i find that i'm now the "older" person in my family. i have no contact with my sister [younger than me] after a falling out several years ago and my brother will soon be moving to the usa to marry an american lady [very long, sad story attached to this decision].
i've lived on my own since 1994 when i left my now-ex husband but my 45 year old daughter [and her daughters] have moved in with me owing to a marriage split so i'm not alone.
over the years, owing to the divorce, i've lost friends as they "sided" with the ex and i've few good friends of my own [i lost my best friend 18 months ago when she collapsed and died on holiday] but i'm not lonely.
when my friends and i meet we always hug and "air kiss" on greeting and on leaving - which i used to dislike but now i'm used to.
thankfully my grandaughters are both tactile and i get many hugs from them - my daughter isn't so forthcoming and hasn't been all her life but then my parents weren't tactile so i didn't get hugs from them.
reading one of the posts above i checked online about the u3a - good idea but, unfortunately my finances aren't able to afford the annual fee. i realise that there has to be some sort of payment but £47 is a bit steep especially for those of us who are living on their pensions.
sugarpufffairy, i know what you're going through but perhaps you've read more into that hug than the guy meant. he was probably feeling at a loss having only just lost his wife. please don't avoid him - or any other "grown ups" - they might be going through what you're going through and needing a hug just for "human contact".

When I tripped in the road in the summer, a man decorating the outside of a nearby house came over to check I was ok and was a bit surprised when I said I needed a hug, but he obliged, I felt better and went on my way. Yes, I'm quite a tactile person and know that my niece is better at hugging than my elder DD! For all on this post can I recommend 'Our Souls at Night' by Kent Haruf', which I found as moving as the jacket blurb promised (I saw it in The Novel Cure, Literary Prescriptions for Modern Ailments in the Independent). It's only 179 pages.

It takes a lot of adjustment when you become the elder, everything you say resonates with many of us, it can be a long lonely path. Regarding your friend, it is a pity to leave it like that. If he does not live too far away, could you find come excuse to be in his area, and suggest to him that as you will be passing, could you meet for lunch, tea or coffee? Then you would have a chance to talk to him (play it by ear) and part (with a hug or a hand on the arm) as good friends. even if you never see him after that, you may both feel lighter of spirit for having done it.
Some ideas which may or may not be helpful to anyone in this situation, depending on their circumstances:
Make the most of your grandchildren, they might like hugging! Invite them to stay in the holidays, even if just for a weekend, one at a time or together, whatever suits you/them. Show your children that you are OK, they might be worried that you will need their support and not feel able to give it. Take up a physical activity, golf, line dancing (no partner needed) etc. Get a dog - endless unconditional love and hugs!

I'm a very standoffish person and tend not to do hugs. My oldest and best friends are the people I do not kiss! There are people I barely know who do the kissing on both cheeks which always amuses me. But I met an acquaintance a few weeks ago who had been widowed shortly before and it seemed the most normal thing to do was hug her.

Thanks everyone for showing me such good sense. Pity I have none of my own.
I was so stupid that I did not see that maybe he was feeling much the same as me and maybe a hug would be a good thing for us both. The type of thing that cant be put into words. We had discussed some of the side effects of bereavement such as inability to sleep or being awake at strange times of the night. Maybe we were two lonely souls. I knew I was not really in a threatening situation as it was in a restaurant. I was just so shocked that I went as stiff as a board and likely he would have known that a perhaps took it to be a rejection. Part of my shock was my own feelings that I actually liked this.
Now that I have your views I think I have blown any chance of a friendship. Maybe one day I will learn not to be so brittle.
Thanks again
SPF

Sometimes a hug is the only thing that can 'say' all the things that you can't put into words. I'm not a tactile person at all [and we're not a tactile family either]but there have been times in my life when a hug has made me feel so much better.

I was just thinking this afternoon how would like someone to give me a hug, and tell me how well I am doing. I looked at the first man near me on the bus and wondered what it would feel like to get intimate with a new person and I recoiled in horror. Not that he was ugly or anything, but he wasn't my late husband. My son gives me a hug now and again, but it's not the same.

Maybe your friend just needed a reassuring hug, and thought you might too.

Please don't let a friendly hug make you "stay well out of the way of everyone" - that is not going to help you. Get on out there - and risk a few hugs along the way! - it does not mean they are suggesting any "bed aerobics" (what a great phrase!).

Thanks everyone.
Rosesarered - I have been a bit shocked to realise that I am now the old person. There have been some chancers around me who thought woman alone easy pickings and the usual "just noticed your slates are dodgy" types. That added to the shock of realising my age and perhaps some feelings of vulnerability. Younger family members can be demanding and expecting more than is reasonable for an OLD person while not being keen on the old person being out and about and getting into company.
Soontobe - I will try to get out a lot more and seek out clubs or other events suitable to my age group.
Downtoearth - I was in a job which needed a lot of confidence but years of caring and dealing with NHS soon knocked that out of me. I think you are right about needing the father figure. Strangely this man has a long winded connection to my late father. I had not realised before how much I relied on my late dad and late husband for support. I am totally unsettled in every way. Thanks for the hug.
Luckygirl. - Yep "out of practice" really sums me up. I have kept the stiff upper lip for so long that I don't know how to undo it. I have been thinking about therapies for myself like reiki. I had acupuncture once many years ago.
Vampirequeen - This man lives very far away from me so I cant really make any arrangements. Perhaps he too was feeling a bit unhappy and shocked about widowhood. I believe despite years of illness it was sudden in the end. It must have been a shock. I feel now that maybe I failed to see the hug as a no strings attached warmth from a fellow widowed person
Nelliemoser - I must be from the most emotionally restrained family ever. I just got such a fright.
Loopylou - My adult children and their friends do the greetings hugs but this was completely different - warmer.
Thanks everyone for your wise comments. I think I have been a bit panicky more than sympathetic. I just hope I have not hurt his feelings which would have been very dented at that time. He has taken a different approach to me in that he is feverently out and about as often as possible while I have stayed locked in the house licking my wounds. His adult children appear to be more supportive than mine. Maybe I am even a bit jealous of that.
Thanks again for your wise words
SPF

I wouldn't see a hug as anything other than a warm welcome; several of DCs' friends hug me when we meet or leave. Definitely nothing sexual implied or even remotely crossed my mind, and I love it.
I guess it depends on how well you know someone, it could be awkward first time round but then I'm pretty relaxed about greeting others with a handshake/ cheek kiss/hug depending on circumstances and person.

I know some men who I have met on several of my Geology group holidays and a "hello again" hug is fine, with no hint of anything more. Definately considering one of the men is gay.

I agree with the others. He probably felt in need of a hug too. Was he reaching out in friendship? Do you know him well enough to suggest meeting for a coffee or going to see a film? Just those little things that are always nicer if you have someone to share them with.

My mam knows several people who have male friends. There is nothing sexual but they do couple things whilst having their own homes etc.

Human contact is incredibly important to our well being. We're hard wired for it. That's why we miss is so much.

Don't be startled by the man's hug - he is probably feeling lonely too and needed a bit of non-sexual human contact. You are out of practice, that is all.

As well as all the above suggestions for getting out and about and making contacts, might I also suggest that you go for a massage. I know this may sound a bit odd, but it is very therapeutic to have skin to skin contact from anther human being - we are hard-wired to need this. There used to be a lady who did this in her own home round here, and it did definitely help me through a hard time. It was very relaxing and sent round some happy hormones.

just wonder if the man was reaching out for comfort also,but without sexual thoughts especially if he is recently widowed...I have experienced some of this my younger OH is slowly recovering from a very deep depression and he is normally my confidante and very warm to me,he has been mentally and emotionally absent for several months,I too am the tribal elder and felt very much alone and craving human contact (cuddles) from the most unlikliest of people..but not in a sexual way....and usually older father figure type men ....I can rationalise this in thinking I need some one to look out for me...but I am not usually a needy person....very unsettling isnt it SPF....I am sending you a BIG hug xxxxx

As regards the man, it perhaps sounds like he himself is lonely.
I can understand your shock if he has not done that sort of thing before.

I often see it mentioned on here about U3A. I had never heard about it until I came onto gransnet.
To my surprise, yesterday I stumbled upon a group in our nearest town. The town isnt large, but the group seemed large, and had several different activities on most days of the week. The people were playing cards, some were reading elsewhere, presumably free newspapers. In another room, there was a talk going on about local train history. Their activities seemed varied, and suitable to cater for different tastes. It offered quiet activities with minimal companionship right through to dances, and keep fit etc on other days.
U3A might be a good place to start?

We all need human contact SPF, and it does come as a shock when we realise that now WE are the older generation, and of course we miss our older relatives as well. You have been living alone for three years, with only your younger family around, and now it's time for you to meet others your own age.We need friends as well as family, so try and either rekindle past friendships or make new ones by joining clubs, societies etc.Families, much as we love them, are demanding, friends are not.

Hi Soontobe
Thank you for your kind words.
I was kind of confined to the older and ill family as I was the carer and general doer of all things, and runabout. I was rather isolated and friends soon disappear from carers. Other people in similar situations in the local area have sold up the family home and left the area. These were people who were at school with me. Many people stay here for decades
The man I spoke of I had known for a while. He was widowed about 2 months before he hugged me. While his wife was alive (but very ill) he met with me alone but never touched me in any way. Perhaps he was feeling lonely and thought I would understand but I think shock was how I felt. I don't know. He probably thought my stiff reaction was a put off.
Thanks for your response.
SPF

AW. Your post is very sad, but understandable.
I cant begin to know what it is like, and I am sure others will post soon who know a lot more.
But I do know and have known of others like yourself, who have outlived their siblings and close friends.

Not making any decisions since being the elder, must be hard. You dont have younger friends?

Human contact. I can understand that. I dont know the answer though personally.

As for the man who hugged you. it is difficult to know what to make of that without a few more details. Was he just being genuinely friendly do you think. Or maybe working out that you would appreciate a hug?
Or do you find him a bit creepy?