Having a favourite child/ grandchild.

Sometimes I especially like one of my grandchildren and sometimes I find one of my grandchildren particularly trying – not the same children all the time. I have never had a particular favourite and I don't think they believe that I have. However, at the moment one of them is going through a phase of "everybody hates me" and being very difficult but, no doubt, it will pass. She reminds me of myself when I was a child so I feel very sympathetic while still discouraging inappropriate behaviour.

Ginny
Of my 3 DCs only DD2 still lives in the area. We have a photo of her and DSiL in the lounge on a small table.
Whenever they come round, SiL goes into the room and checks it is still there and says to DD 'Look - we're still the favourites!'

Lovely story ginny.......well done you!

Yesterday evening I happened to have all 3 DDs with me and I bought up this subject. My DDs are all in their 30's and I am lucky to have very good relationships with them all.

The conclusion they came to was that none of them have ever felt that any one of them was a favourite. They have at times realised that one was getting a little more attention but recognised that this was due to what was going on in their lives at a particular time.

The funny part was that this morning each of them texted me the same message... .'I know I'm your favourite really !' It may be that they all agreed to do that but still funny.

A child psychologist once explained to a group of us (trainee pre-school leaders) about sibling rivalry and its pitfalls. Evidently telling a child they are the best at anything within ear-shot of the others has the effect of making the others deduce that they must therefore be rubbish at whatever it was. Children tend to work in black and white with everything....no grey areas or middle ground......if a brother is praised for being the best at something the others leap to the conclusion they are really really bad.....hey ho who ever said having children was easy????

That being said the personality of the siblings will then kick in and in some (the competitive type) they will re-double their efforts to 'beat' the praised once, whilst the less confident will sometimes just give up all endeavours! Its that old chestnut....Nature Vs Nurture.

I never told any of mine that their's was the best because in my experience children will always use it as a barb to hurt their siblings or cousins later when having a row! I always managed to find something good I liked about each and show that because they were all so wonderful in some way I could not possibly choose! Luckily they are all now old enough not to worry or be jealous of each other. When they were little I heard them telling each other how ' Nanny doesn't have a favourite!'.

I always tell each of my DGC (in secret) that whatever they have done is by far the best. That way they all go away happy in the knowledge that they are most definitely my favourite.

I honestly think if you got my three children and two grandchildren together, and asked "who is her favourite?" each one of them would say, or at least secretly think, "me".

thatbags, that's not really about favouritism .....more about how different people/children perceive the world and how they view their place in it, and that will always be a rich and varied picture.

My point is all about parents/grandparents who do go down the 'having favourites' and try to justify it by kidding themselves their actions are not noticed by the children.....children do know and its a very damaging scenario.

What about the (hypothetical) phenomenon of a child thinking its sibling is the favourite when this isn't actually the case?

Kids do give mooring space (so to speak) to wrong ideas. My younger sister harboured the impression that my elder brother and I were doing brilliantly at school and that it put pressure on her to do brilliantly as well. She was mistaken in her impression. We were good students but not brilliant. Her wrong impression, from who knows where, really messed with her head for several years.

Believe me, any child knows full well who is the favourite!

I am very fortunate in that my three DC are all so completely different they can't be compared with each other. Likewise my DGC. They all get varying degrees of attention according to what calamities are happening in their lives.

And thinking about it now, I don't - have a favourite that is. They're all too different. The favourite is whoever is with me at the time and if it's more than one there's no time to think about it. I'm besotted with all of them!

I don't think it is possible to have a favourite and keep it to yourself. Children pick up on so much that isn't said. They are very astute.

About children not knowing about favouritism, I experienced this as a child and it is as clear today as it was then. My maternal GM (a formidable and controlling old bat) used to call my sister and I into her room, get out her purse and present my sister with a sixpence then snap it shut and give me a look that defied me to say anything. This happened a lot, but we sorted it out by sharing the money. In fact, my sister (cunning wench) used to arrange to go and see her and got as much as she could. I later found out that she disliked my father (he stood up to her) and I was too much like him for her! Children are not stupid and their senses are very acute when it comes to being liked or not. I have made sure that my two GS's are loved and liked equally - they are quite different but equally loveable. These things stay with you forever!

I agree very much with when's comments.

My grandchildren are at different ages and stages so whilst I love them all the same I don't relate to them equally. How can I? There's a baby, a two year old and a five year old - all with different/developing characters and personalities.

I can't imagine having favourites.
I love them unconditionally. If you have a favourite it is conditional - it is because they are easier to get on with, they don't argue, they have the same interests etc etc etc- it is making a condition.
My parents didn't have favourites.

Teacher11 I know what you mean. Of the 4 grandchildren I get to see, one is always being singled out by her mother as 'a bit of a handful' or even 'trouble'. I don't see her as that, but as a very bright, feisty 4-year old with a loving nature but a very competitive streak. She's the youngest of my GC and always strives to keep up with the older ones. I admire her spirit tremendously and have a special soft spot in my heart for her, mainly because her qualities are unappreciated. Of course I love them all equally, but I feel especially protective towards this little one.

You have made me think diddima and I love all four of my grandaughters unreservedly but I have a special bond with one in particular. When my daughter went in to have twins I was left to look after my granddaughter. When one of the Twins had difficulties she and I had to decant to another city. We stayed with my other daughter before eventually traveling to my home in another part of the country. We traveled on busses and trains and didn't really know where we were and what we were doing, but we did have each other. I took her hand and said we were on an adventure. She wasn't yet two but she never cried for her parents and was as good as gold. I returned her to her parents after two weeks.
It was a very difficult time for everyone, the twins are doing fine now but although I don't have a "favourite" I think my grandaughter and I share a bond of trust, forged in trouble, that I don't have with anyone else.

I come from a family who identified 'saints and sinners' though the saints behaved pretty similarly to the sinner over the years. The habit continued with my mother and my sister. My mother loves the two eldest grandchildren best and actually tells others of this and my sister has always favoured her youngest and been 'spiky' with the eldest. All I can say from my observation is that it is emotionally corrosive to those who are not favoured. They take on themselves guilt for being unlovable. It is not hard to treat children equally and it may be the case that in time, as Hamlet says of the habit of doing an unaccustomed good that this in itself "shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature".
In other words treat them all equally and you will end up regarding them all equally.

I have never had a favourite cat

I have never had a cat

Oh - wrong thread!!

I freely admit to having had a favourite cat though!

I can't imagine having a favourite, DC or DGS. I've fallen madly in love with every one as soon as I've clapped eyes on them, and I haven't yet been in a position of not liking someone I love, though I know it's possible. No pretending to disagree here, I just can't get my head round the concept!

Not the case then Greyduster it was just a thought

My son and daughter have different personalities as have my grandchildren but I lhave be them all equally even though grandchildren all show a preference for grandad,s ?