Denied Contact with Grandchildren - August 2012 onwards....

Peanuts I'm so very pleased for you and I'm sure you'll treasure every moment.

PeanutsI'm so glad to hear your good news.Don't think too much about the reason.Just have a wonderful time with your granddaughter,and hopefully make peace with your daughter.

I have two grandchildren who i adore but am denied access to them and dont know why.
If i go up they go out, when i ask to visit they say too busy.

I know who wears the trousers in that house.
please console me with your comments.
thankyou

well it does happen sadly not seen my grand daughers one never seen for 4 y ears, but we got glimpse of Mollie 2 weeks ago when we delivered presents.
it was enormously upsetting as would love to have given her a cuddle and seen her properly but it is not to be, her other Nannie opened door and was polite but that was all we were not invited in.
It hurts beyond words that my daughter prefers her mother in law to me her Mum but I cannot do a thing about it.

Life goes on and we rejoice in our son and good friends but it is so damn hard this time of year.
However we have had amazing lovely time at my nieces last week and saw the 3 little ones nativity play that was lovely.
I find I can enjoye seeing her little ones 5 4 and 3 without it upsetting me now.
sorry to hear you having problems joycey 8 is it a recent thing? we are all very supportive on here welcome

I would like to wish you a Happy Christmas, though it is really difficult isn't it? I had a lovely surprise two weeks ago, in that my daughter asked to meet me for lunch and to exchange Xmas presents. We opened ours to each other, and they were exactly the same thing but in a different colour. We got on very well and I felt that my daughter had "come back". We then went to our separate cars, hugged each other and cried. She then said to me "......is a good person and he hasnt done anything wrong" (husband). I took a very deep breath and let that one go. We then wished each other Peace and Happiness, and she said that she would call me. No mention of me seeing the grandchilren in the near future. This is what is getting me down today. I know that this is a breakthrough but I just cannot bear (though I will have to) another Christmas of not seeing them. This is the 4th Xmas, though there was one previously when I only saw them on Christmas Day and was ostracized for the rest. Still that is in the past, and Christmas does put an enormous amount of pressure and strain for wanting it to be resolved. I felt that I am still being blamed for calling him a bully nearly 4 years ago. That is the only criticism I have ever voiced out loud. Obviously he still bears a grudge, and she has married into a family that do this sort of thing. Your thoughts would be so appreciated. I will be on my own on Xmas Day, but to be honest I think that is preferable to being with friends families and their grandchildren. That would break my heart.

Well Suebeck I have just read your posting and to be honest was going to start a new thread but hesitated as i am fearful of going on ad nauseaum.
I sympathise for you with your DD. Its like being drawn in to be spit out at a later date for saying the wrong thing. Or even the right thing in the wrong way. I have to confess I unlike you do see my GC but am not seeing them xmas day as my ex husband and his son by 2nd marriage(now divorced again)
will be with myDD and her family until 27th. This means we are "out in the cold" so to speak until after that. I was told by DD that "its just the six of us on xmas day".
Meaning her,her OH the GC and my ex and his son. My OH cannot understand
(as I am sure some others may not) why this has bothered me. But IT HAS. Xmas is only one day and it would hve been lovely to see the GC on the day just for a quick pop in for an hour.
We were invited there today.This is why I was going to start a new thread. This is also why I agree with you Suebeck in that I think it would be preferable to be on my own on xmas day. I honestly felt today like it was a "duty" invite and that my DD felt like she had fitted eveyone that she should into the xmas schedule. My OH and I have been quite ill with a virus
and he kept his coat on,was quiet and made liitle effort to include himself. This angered and upset me. When I commented to him about it he said he had not been well what did I expect. He managed to go to a company "do" on friday which started at 2pm and was still on the go at 10pm!
The GC disappeared up into the attic(its a playroom) which is fine as they are happy, but it sort of brought home to me that as long as they have mum and dad they are fine.
My DD does not get on with her MiL and for some reason doesnt always say when the GC have seen her and her OH(in other words the other GPs).Goodnes only knows why? They are nice people. Again in conversation we were told by SiL that they were at his parents tuesday evening and then
the GC stayed there last night.
We moved here to be nearer to the GC but unless I/we make the effort to go and get them(the GC) we get few visits. We live 25 minutes away. Some of it has to do with money. My DD doesnt work so it is tight. Some of it has to do with effort. some people say why dont I withdraw from the scene a bit but
I think that would backfire. Also I dont think it would prompt my DD to change character. Oh dear Gransnetters I've gone on again. Ever get sick of your own voice? Dont answers that!!!!!!!! XSORRY and X to allX

janey you are a prime example of those grans who get on with it, don't tell 'em what you really think, don't take offence when you could, and manage to keep those tenuous links just in case the day comes when it dawns on them that they have taken you for granted and not treated you fairly. It takes wisdom to juggle those family dynamics and many people succumb to the strain, because life throws other things at them, too. I wonder whether they will look back and regret the treatment they dished out.

It's rotten when you're the one who is being squeezed out. Most families make sure they see each other, and it doesn't take that much effort. Having been on the receiving end, now resolved for my family members, I know how much it hurts. I sincerely hope that all the lovely Gransnetters who are still going through this turmoil get to be reunited with their grandchildren soon.

Oh what a relief to read your kind words whenim64!!! I REALLY DO feel like the biggest winger on two legs at the moment and fully expected to be told to "just get on with it" so to speak. I feel bad as there are so many more GNs out there who have TRULY heart breaking situations going on. If I didnt have family then it wouldnt be so upsetting but my situation is trivial compared to others. I guess we get sold the ideal family every where in the media and although we all know it is rare(but does exist) we still feel there is something fundamentally wrong with "our lot" if we dont match up to it. Xto allX

Just do what you do janey. I had a rotten time from ex-DIL, who went wild when my son left their marriage because of her abuse. She wanted to hurt all the ones he loves by preventing us from seeing my grandson, but eventually she acknowledged we had done nothing out of step (the family court judge prised it out of her) and the time came when she needed us to look after him for her. Things have changed for the better at last, although we went through much heartache first. It will never be an easy relationship, but by keeping quiet and gritting teeth when we could have cheerfully pushed her in the river, things started to improve.

Sue that is awful for you but well done for not retaliating!

i think Janey is right somehow we expect our family to be all sweetness and light like the adverts and life is seldom that way.

I feel awful this Xmas and there will always be a black hole where my DD AND 2 grand daughters should be.

But I have my son and we are off there on Xmas Day.

His stepsons are seeing their Dad at 2.30 and staying over so we will see th em for little while.
Count my blessings, but sometimes especially at Xmas it is very hard.
Sue try not to get too down, you are makin good progress having seen you DD a mile away from where I am!!

for all of us going through pain this Xmas

It's heart-warming to see one gran who is having such struggles herself, taking the trouble to support another gran in the same boat, celebgran.

I do hope here will soon be some luck for you, too

I am not in this position and hope never to be so, but I find this thread really distressing to read so I tend to avoid it. I wish you all the best, don't lose hope.

I want to send you all the biggest {{{hug}}} and I hope that the New Year brings you all what you most wish for.

Celebgran I will wish with all my heart that the new year brings a massive turn around for you. Hate to think of the awful feelings you and all like you must have especially at this time of year. I also find it painful reading the posting here but have to say It helps to know I am not unusual in my thoughts and experiences. Thankyou celebgran and whenim64 for acknowledging my postings. Xto youX

Well it is Xmas Day and here I am the 4th Xmas without seeing my family. I am having a nice day, but so hoped and prayed that this year would be different. It isnt as bad as I imagined it would be, and I had been invited to spend it with my cousin and her family. As I hadnt seen or heard from her in almost 13 years I felt that it could be quite a strain. She also said that there had to be "ground rules", in that her husband doesnt want to talk or hear about my daughter. Fine I thought, but at the same time I felt somewhat dominated and hurt, so decided that I would be much better staying at home with my beautiful dog. She always was very bossy and controlling (my cousin) so again I felt that at least at home I can do what I please.

I, do, though count my many blessings in that my daughter sent me my first Christmas message of the day. Patience is a virtue they say, but sometimes I feel that I am running out, as I just want things to be normal again. I also feel that my patience has been a good thing, as I believe that if you cling on and try to force a result by constant texting and writing to your son/daughter it does no good and is seen as pressurising them. That is only my opinion of course, but also based on good advice that I received from Dr Joe Carver who very kindly sent me a personal email on this subject. You can read his articles if you google him of course.

I do wish all of you that are going through this situation to hang on and dont give up, but to also forgive and not hold on to anger. This is a time for Peace and Goodwill to everyone.
Merry Xmas

Suebeck

More than anything in the world, I wish that no one had to go through this sort of heartache, and I pray that next year will be a better one for all families who are kept apart. Mine included.

[sad It's just one day, but at Christmas emotions that are kept in check on other days seem to rise to the surface; I sort of feel that it's the a time when I can actually give myself permission to grieve a little for the lost relationships with my grandchildren - and of course not forgetting my daughter too. A very difficult day emotionally, but I'm off to bed now and happy that we got through it with good humour and LOTS of support. I am so very grateful for my family and friends.

I cannot post much as I am just getting to grips with my new . seven inch tablet, but I wanted to send my sympathy and good wishes to all other grandparents who, like me, did not spend yesterday with their family. With my loving daughter in NZ and the one in ENgland refusing all contact I Spent CHristmas with . my sister, her son and his wife and children and his in- laws. EVeryone was very kind and they even gave me gifts but it was not the same as being with my own family. MY grand- daughter in YOrkshire who knows her mother is .mentally ill, made a lovely dinner for myself and my sister last week.I gave her a card to give to my daughter and the other three grand children but I do not know if it was accepted.
THis is the third CHristmas with no contact. I can only hope there will not be a fourth.

Greatnan, I hope there won't be another Christmas for you without your daughter allowing or making contact with you. And ga, this time of the year can be so full of misery for those with no contact given at all. The pain that has come across these threads this year seems more hard-hitting than last year. Perhaps the floodgates are opening because we all understand so well that raw despair.
Yesterday, I felt the loving in my daughter's house. For so many years we were estranged as some of you will know, but all's well now after such a long, long ache of a time. My daughter has the type of home where people know they can come and just BE. When I wasn't allowed to do that, I felt bereft. Yesterday her house was chaotic - it always is, because that's how she lives - but in the middle of the worktop was a large crusty loaf covered in seeds. She'd made it for my Christmas present as she couldn't afford to buy anything for me. The best Christmas present I could have wished for.
Please, none of you give up hope for a reconciliation with your families. I'd given up hope after 7 years, then it was as if the dawn broke on a new day.....and there she was. xx

It really does impress upon me how lucky I am to gave been reunited with my grandson, and I hope with all my heart that the same happens for you Gransnetters who are still waiting - that deep yearning for someone who is missing from the bosom of the family never gets forgotten.

Suebeck that must have been a lovely surprise to get the message from your daughter.

Greatnan I hope that next year sees a change in your daughter, and more contact from your grandchildren.

ga what a roller-coaster of a Christmas it's been for you. Have things settled down again? It's astonishing what stormy seas we manage to navigate when things are already difficult, then a crisis gets thrown in for good measure. Have a peaceful time

when I can't see a way forward any more and I'm heartbroken for my parents in law who had to leave their home on Christmas day in order to stay safe. In our wildest imaginations we never could have anticipated the situation we were faced with during the last few days. It's been horrid for everybody involved.
But thank you for your good wishes - I like that I can share this stuff on GN in a way that won't burden the hearers; I'm very careful to stay as upbeat as I can with family and close friends.

Hi. Can I butt in again? I've not been here for a few days - I've spent my time licking wounds newly reopened by three days on my own, constantly checking emails/texts to see if there's any sort of correspondence from my beloved three daughters - did they receive the presents/cards/letters I sent them, their partners and grandchildren? Did the grandchildren get their letters from Santa (via me)? This silence is more hurtful and threatening than all their previous banshee screaming and shouting.
In a perverse way I take so much comfort from reading other disaffected gran/nans stories here, it's a support to hold on to the idea that I'm not the only one feeling like the Wicked Witch of the West (or in my case - South East).
2013? I never make resolutions but I wish for all us heartbroken 'invisible' gran/nan's everywhere that the near future will bring with it the joy of barrier's being broken down by cuddles, comfort and reconciliation with our beloved children/grandchildren

Goose

Goose, I hope so much that you hear something soon from your daughters. .