recovering from betrayal.is it possible?

I think many of us found child-rearing boring at times, dancingfeet! It could also be horrendously wearying, worrying and sometimes just a bit wonderful! I often look back on those times, and wonder how I survived it all! You've been their MUM, though! You've nurtured your family and done the very best that you could for them. You need the support that they can give you now and they also deserve to be able to give this to you. Don't underestimate them. Whatever you have to deal with, when your results come back, then their love and understanding will help you through. Warm wishes for you, dancingfeet.

Thinking about you, dancingfeet, and sympathising. 6 months after my marriage broke up I had to face a hysterectomy. Was happy to accept family's support and recovered well and quite quickly. I know my children would have been hurt if I'd kept this from them. They rose to the occasion wonderfully. Very best wishes with both of your dilemmas!

I am willing to bet dancingfeet that you haven't told your children about your husband because you haven't yet decided what on earth you are going to do! I think it comes down to if you stay with him you don't want your family knowing what has happened. Adult children tend to nag a bit and want what is best for us whether we want it or not. I suggest you take your time to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. There is actually no hurry to do anything, you can get your head sorted out and get over your health scare then think about it some more. In the meantime you can have counselling and get advice on what you would do and how you will be financially if you do decide to finish with him. You could end your marriage in two years time or ten if you choose, you just don't have to make up your mind now. My marriage broke up when I was 39 and last Christmas I left my ex partner of over five years. There are no guarantees in this life about anything. Just look out for yourself in this situation and good luck!

You are absolutely right Faye. I haven't decided what I'm going to do. There are days when I want to tell the world and days when I think 'I can cope with this'. I have decided to give myself time to recover from the shock and grief and fortunately the house is big enough to hold the two of us living practically separate lives. At the moment he would do anything to make amends and tries to help, but I cannot deny the damage and pain he has caused and I'm still feeling every bit of it. Who knows how I might feel in a years time. At the moment I just want to be given a clean bill of health so I can live to fight another day.

How are you?hoping its good news.

Don't want to intrude dancing, but like positiva, I've also been wondering how you are and hoping that you're 'swimming, not drowning'. If we can offer any support then please keep in touch.

Thank you for your concern. I have good news on the medical front in that I have been given the all clear, but my emotional and mental health continues to deteriorate. I thought by now I may have seen some improvement, but it appears that if I have a few good days then all the old feelings come back with a vengance and they seem harder to cope with. I told the family and wish I hadn't as I did not get the reaction I expected. Basically they want everything to carry on as normal and could not empathise in any way with the extent of my pain. There seemed to be no difference in their minds between a 44 year marriage and a two year one. I have also been turned down for counselling with my local mental health team (after referal by my doctor) and given the advice to join my local University of the 3rd age. This I may well do once I have recovered from my breakdown at yet another form of rejection. Husband, family, counsellers. Who next. Sorry, I know this sounds very self pitying, but I really am drowning not swimming at the moment.

Oh dancingfeet, I'm pleased to hear that you've had positive news regarding your physical health. I'm sorry to learn though, that your family haven't been as supportive as they might have been. Have you got any coping strategies for the time being? What support have you been offered?

I think the problem with your family is that, unless you experience betrayal or divorce yourself you have no idea what it's like. I used to see people being divorced all around me when I was younger, and had no idea that it was like a form of bereavement. What was healing for me was, after separating from my husband, I joined a singles group and was able to talk to people who understood how I felt. While I was actually in a crumbling marriage I was the loneliest person in the world.

I think I have been a bit unfair to my family due to my warped thinking and anger. They are doing the best they can considering they too have lost the father they thought they had.Finally after a six month wait, the PCT referral to Relate has come through so I can start some counselling with them. I can't help but feel that it is a bit too late in the day now and wonder if I really do need to start dragging it all up again. Talking about it sometimes just brings the anger to the surface again when I am struggling to try and live what appears to be a normal life, on the surface. As this is the only support I've been offered I think I had better take it so as not to appear ungrateful. Watch this space.

Good luck with that, but I'm afraid I found Relate very unhelpful. Hope you fare better with them.

When my husand and I broke up I found it heart-breaking when my 18yr-old daughter seemed to take his side - packing his things and helping him settle elswhere after he moved out. Later, when we could discuss it rationally, she explained that she wasn't taking sides but was dealing with the practicalities.
She was absolutely right but I just didn't see that at the time. We now have a perfectly civil relationship and our 3 grown-up children maintain an excellent balance. We enjoy our GC's equally and there is (honestly) no friction. I could never have envisaged it at the time but it really is ok now that all the heat and anger has died down.

dancingfeet,heres hoping you are ok and just to letyou know you are being
thought about

Hello again dancing, glad to hear from you. Please do go along to Relate and take the opportunity to be listened to. So often people need space to sort of 'think out loud' and a good counsellor will give you this. It should also be a safe place to give vent to your anger; in our day to day lives we just have to 'get on with' things and so tend to put away uncomfortable feelings in the hope they'll disappear - only for them to surface at inopportune times.
Please keep in touch so that you can feel supported, but you only need to say what you're comfortable with sharing. None of us wants to pry; just to encourage you.

Counselling will help as long as you both go. All this happened to me 10 years ago.I went to counselling, he backed out, so nothing resolved. I am still in the marriage, first for the(adult) kids, then for the grandchildren, still bitter, making excuses and wishing I'd left in the first place!

I experienced something similar years ago and I remember feeling like I was in a small boat in the middle of a big ocean of turbulent emotion, trying to keep afloat. Concentrate on trying to keep afloat. I remember at the time speaking to an Indian Guru who said 'make yourself radiant' by which I think he meant I should try to turn my energy towards myself and strengthen and enhance myself in any way I could, put colour in my life in any way I could. It took some years but in the end I came to terms with things better and stopped feeling so rotten. I feel for you. Keep going!

Words of wisdom there, Jeany. Or, to lower the tone [and I wish I'd done this!] use his money to do things that make you happy...don't end up poor like me.

He has obviously done something dreadful but there he is, still alongside and there you are still alongside. Both sit down and talk to each other through all the awful details. What can you lose? That is the absolute real difficulty - we go on, year in year out most likely talking less and less. I have no idea how you 'discovered' - don't wipe out your life together for the sake of talking.

Hello everyone. I'm still here and letting all those who have supported me over the last few months, know, that at last the pain is starting to lessen. Time does seem to be the greatest healer, but it is so difficult to accept in those early days when reeling with the shock of betrayal. I seem to be having more good days then bad at the moment. I am going to the Relate counsellor and it does feel as though I am just chatting about how my week has been, but as grannyactivist stated, it is an opportunity to think out loud. I am working on a self help programme I found on line (American-they seem so good at this sort of thing) and although it is painful at times, it is helping and I at least feel as though I am doing something positive, instead of drowning in negativity and hopelessness. I'm doing my best to let my radiance
shine through and taking Crimsons advice and spending his money on makeup and fabulous knitwear for the winter. There is some great stuff in the shops.
I'm still not sure about the future, but I am glad I didn't make rash decisions in my hysteria. A friend summed it up for me when she said 'you have this much time left(holding her fingers an inch apart). For goodness sake do whatever makes you happy.' And I think that applies to us all whatever our circumstances.

Wonderful to hear from you again, dancingfeet and sounding so positive about your situation - and spending his money too. Well done. As someone said in 'The First Wives' Club': 'Don't get mad, get it all.' It's great to know you have a good friend you can talk to - sounds as if she is talking sense too. Hope you keep in touch.

dancingfeet, it's so good to hear from you. You're positive attitude is seeing you through this now, and your friend is right!! Someone somewhere said, 'Live this day as if it's your last'. I know that's not always realistic, but you deserve some fun - so have it! Good luck!

OH dancingfeet it's so good to hear from you; you've been in my thoughts often. Up days and down days are pretty much what life is about and if the ups are happening more often than the downs we can say we're doing reasonably well. Sometimes we just don't know what will make us happy do we? There is usually some sort of trade off and we can only hope that in the choices we make the positives will outweigh the negatives. Glad that you didn't make rash choices, but have given yourself time to experience your emotions and sort through them without the pressure of knee jerk responses. Wise woman!!
Keep in touch.

Glad to hear you are feeling more positive, dancingfeet. Keep up "the good work". Wishing you all the best. What a lovely friend you have!

Good to hear from you again dancingfeet. You do seem to be making progress and it's fantastic to know that you think Gransnet has helped. Good luck and keep in touch!

Strong feelings and emotions can rule our lives to our detriment. Us women should realise that men do not 'feel' the way we do. They are much more practical in their outlook and more readily do what pleases them without thinking about future consequences. As women, we are much too bogged down with what our nearest and dearest think of us and with taking on the responsibility of making sure everyone else in our domain is doing well. Our generation has missed the boat of putting ourselves first in equality with others. This means that the grief we go through is hard to cope with and detrimental to our gereral health.