recovering from betrayal.is it possible?

Mom -be proud of yourself, you have been resourceful and brave. Things will get better - after a while a scab grows over the wound.
Most members are UK based so the legal systems will be different, but I hope that you get a proper settlement for yourself and your children.
Don't give up on all human relationships - my daugher had several false starts and four children when she met her present husband, who is a lovely man and a great step-father.
Remember that whenever you feel like sharing a problem, or just having a moan, we will all be here for you.

Thank you whenim64. I am still in hermit mode. I don't like to go out but I am trying. Yesterday I started the process to become a volunteer in my community. I want to do it with my daughter. I think seeing others even less fortunate than I will make me appreciate what I do have.

Thanks for the encouragement Greatnan. I don't see much good in men these days but I will try to remain hopeful. I never imagined I would be deciding whether or not to date at fifty. One of the biggest fears for both my children is that I will start dating and bring another man into our house. For the moment I need to respect their wishes. They have been through so much. I am not to thrilled about the idea either. I think I will focus on personal development for now.

Don't worry, Momof2, it happened to me in my mid-forties and I have never found a replacement. It just never came about, but I am perfectly contented in late middle age - OK, early old age - to be on my own. I have had a fulfilling career, have lovely sons and grandchildren, sisters, several good friends and a host of funny, but empathic gransnetters to keep me company. And, moreover, I am still alive! You will find your own path through the years to come, whether or not you form a new relationship. Just put one foot in front of the other and the way will open for you.

I feel as if all the wonderful moments coming with my children like graduations, marriages and births will be tainted by the presence of their father. He had nothing to do with our kids while he was cheating, now he wants to spend time with them. I know it is good for the kids but it is killing me to see him at all their school events. He has made me feel so ugly. All his girlfriends were twenty years younger than I and yet he has convinced people that it was not about sex even though most of his girlfriends were pros. One girlfriend helped him find Jesus so I keep hearing about how wonderful and spiritual he is. I am also hearing about how he has video of strippers on his phone. As usual, he portrays what he wants people to see. His friends and family accuse me of trying to punish him every time I say no to his requests for extra time. I usually ask the kids if they want to go and they say no or I have plans already. I don't understand why everyone thinks that it is punishment for the kids if they are with me. He lets them watch very age inappropriate movies and TV shows. Why would I want him to have them any extra time?

I don't think you really mean that 'it is good for the kids'! He sounds like a very immature father to me - totally egocentric too. Your children are old enough to tell you - and him - whether or not they want to be with him.

He is very immature and selfish. Narcissistic has been used a lot. The kids want a relationship with him. He spends lots of money on them. The therapist says that kids compartmentalize these things and only see what they want to see. I am doing the best I can to give them a father given what I have available to me. My daughter blames me for not being able to see him more. She has recently expressed a hope that we would get back together. My son just wants a father even though he knows at way to early an age that his father is not perfect. My son has a friend who at the age of nine was on a trip with his younger brother and father. After putting the boys to bed at a hotel their married father went out and came back drunk with another woman. They fell into the boys' bed and had sex. The boys pretended to be asleep. There are just too many bad ones out there. When I was snooping I found many things in my husbands closet both literally and figuratively that lead me to believe that he was never the man I thought he was. I am pretty sure that he is either gay or at least bi sexual. His family not to mention he could never accept that. I believe the wheels are going to fall off his bus someday. I just hope that he holds it together long enough for our kids to grow up.

Momof2. May I just say good for you in serving divorce papers on him, irrespective of him signing them or not. I cam empathise with you on him being Narcissistic,, as that is the case with my ex. Let your kids see him, and one day they will turn to you and say "I don't want to see him again, you have been my rock Mom". Hold your head up, don't be a victim, this will feed his ego. I have learned that lesson very well. I can now go shopping in town and don't care if he or anyone else sees me. I have done nothing wrong, apart from loving him too much. I am content knowing I can sleep at night without wondering where he is. I can't say the same about his latest "friend". He is already cheating on her. What he doesn't know is, one of his extra marital "friends" and I have become very good friends. This gives us both a good laugh. He has even been in touch with her to re-kindle things. The first thing she did was ring and tell me. We giggled for hours. As to your ex's family, they will one day find out the extent of what he's done. My mother-in-law has no idea of her sons perversions, and think its all my fault. However, his father (they are divorced), knows the truth and has disowned him. It's a shame, but he has nobody to blame but himself. Your ex will end up one day like mine, a sad lonely old man, with very few friends if any, in a rundown apartment feeling very very sorry for himself. Who knows he may even regret what he's done like mine is now.
Again chin up, you have done nothing wrong. Right is on your side and always wins.
Good luck in all you do and keep us up to date.
Thoughts and prayers go out to you. xx

This is such a wonderful site. I have a few friends who have held me up but none of them have been through this and they can only try to understand. The people here feel what I feel.
His mother knows what he did. My sister was so angry at what she was saying to me that she sent her an email telling her everything. Mother-in-law told me I was using the deaths of my parents to gain sympathy and that I was a terrible wife so her son had to find comfort in the arms of another woman. She won't admit that it was lots of other women. Of course she cheated on her husband which caused their divorce. His boss knows too. His boss bought him a house because I got ours. It seems that he can do no wrong and is the victim. People are slowly finding out that I have cancer. He is telling them he didn't know. He was one of the first people I told. I think I may be the only person in the world who has ever asked him to be accountable and pay consequences.
Gran7, your story sounds horrible. Did I read correctly that he took all your money? Was this a second marriage for you?

Yes it was 2nd time. I have my lawyers dealing with it. When we first split up we were trying to live in same house till sold and he even gave me a rent book and made me pay half my pension over to him. I stopped when lawyer told me to, and he got so abusive, both verbally and physically I had no alternative but to leave for my own safety. His new girlfriend thinks the sun shines out of his backside and all I can do is watch while he is now cheating on her. I am waiting now for Karma to ask me the way to where he lives so that I can have a ringside seat as she does her worst.
Again, HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH, you have done nothing wrong. I am now getting my life back, slowly be surely, and have now found my voice. People are saying I am a different person now and I'm happy with that. At 66 yrs old, next week, I have earned the right to speak my mind. It's a case of "don't like what you hear, don't ask for my advice or opinions". Simple as that!
Take a deep breath and boldly go where you want to go. Remember he gave you the right to do that by his actions.
Thoughts and prayers with you as always.

Gran7

The good con-men are so charming. We become very vulnerable when we are lonely and these a-holes take advantage of it and our kindness. How do they sleep at night? I think sociopathy is the only explanantion. How do they get that way? I worry that I am susceptible because I am so lonely, which may be part of why I don't want to go near anyone.

I hear lots of people talk about karma and that it will come around. I can't help but wonder if I am getting my karma now. Did I do something to deserve this? I have not heard from anyone at his work for more than two years. Last night my ex's boss called. His boss has never called me in twenty years. I didn't answer the call and he didn't leave a message. I have information on my ex that can make him lose his job. I was under the impression that the boss knew and was protecting him. It feels as if I have a hammer hanging over my head waitng for him to call back.

Conning, manipulative, narcissistic, cruel, lacking empathy, charming, grandiose ideas....if it looks like a psychopath, talks like a psychopath and acts like a psychopath, it very likely is one - run for the hills and don't look back. Don't engage with him or try to exact retribution on him, just thank yourself lucky you are well rid before you came to even more harm!

Couldn't agree more!

Always difficult to understand why people who on the surface appear to be happy as a couple have affairs, perhaps it’s a vanity thing!

momof2 well done for starting to get your life together again after such a horrible time,you will be surprised how you will manage to heal the hurt he has caused you in time,I have 9as my GNers friends know not long come out through the other side with my daughter who was left with her children when her X husband walked away with no notice at all (other women for yrs) but before he left he stopped all the bank direct payments for her rent and household bills the poor girl was mortified two months later when the landlord came calling for the house keys as he had given notice to quit,so he had technically made my DD and his children homeless.We thank goodness where able to stop things and put her back on track,he has no contact with the children and pays no maintainence,we are just glad to be rid of him and count our blessing we are in a financially good position to help her.You keep you head held high and enjoy the peace you deserve. and have a glass or two on me

I have noticed that men always use their unhappiness as an excuse to cheat. I have had so many people say that it must have been my fault because I was not keeping him happy at home. My ex was never home for me to make him happy. He told me he wanted freedom to hang with the guys. He went on trips several times a year, bowled once a week, played poker once a week, went shooting once a week. His schedule was his own. My only faults were that I got too old and I had too many obligations with the kids to be able to leave every weekend. So he left me at home with the house, yard and kids and used our money to have fun with his thirty year old play things. Then he came home when he needed clean laundry and told me that all his travel was for work. He actually had my daughter help him pack for one weekend when he paid to take his girlfriend skydiving for HIS birthday. I am a pretty decent looking 52 year old. I went to the gym every morning, I was thinner than the day we married and I looked easily ten years younger than my years. That was not good enough. I even have photos of them in my house together with her legs wrapped around him. In one photo she is sitting on his lap at my seat at the table.

It was never you, it's him! He's the one with the problem, Momof2

Momo my expartner is a Narcissist and I am still having problems with this revolting man. I can"t begin to tell you the things I have had to put up with his behaviour. I will say one thing I have found is they have absolutely no honesty. It does not matter how decent you are they will trample over you and anyone else who comes into their lives. There is no conscience in their brain, it's just not there. You will only ever see them cry when it is for themselves. They will also run you down and lie about you to anyone who listens, probably why his mother believes it's all your fault not her Narcissistic son. She is probably a Narcissist too, they often have children who are just like them. The only way you can rise above them is to not let them see how much their behaviour gets to you. One thing my ex hated was I would stand up to him. If he tried to lie to me my reply was sternly "you know that I know you are lying". The creep never had an answer when I said that.

Momof2 but remember you did not 'get too old or have too many obligations with the kids'
Your husband was /is an immature person unable to take full responsibility for his actions. He, typically of weak men, wanted to eat his cake and keep it. If a person decides the relationship they are in no longer works for them the right thing to do is to be honest and to either try to improve it or to end it..not to just let it drag on whilst living a deceitful life and causing hurt. You deserved the truth so you could make a decision about what YOU wanted to do.

That is the problem nanaej with men (and women) who have personality disorders, they can't be honest, they have no honesty, it's just not there.

Whoever he ends up with will have exactly the same problems with him, he won't be any different. They make everyone's life a misery, even their own children. Often though one of their children will be the Golden Child, the others get completely left out.

My ex has everyone thinking that he is the greatest thing that ever walked the earth. No one believes that he would do these things. I must say that I was shocked when I realized what was going on and every day as I discovered more of his secrets it was another punch in the gut. I spent six weeks living with him pretending that nothing was wrong while I got proof of his nonsense. I hacked into his email accounts and copied his credit card statements. I found proof of gifts, trips, hookers, and other unmentionable perversions. I lost so much weight and he never said a word. Once I saw the photos of his girlfriend in my house, I couldn't eat at home. It took almost a year before I would eat at home again. Even after all the lies he told me and all the sneaking around, I felt guilty for how I snooped and surprised him with the papers. He used company funds to pay for his affairs. He didn't read the divorce papers until he got on the plane. That is when he figured out that I knew. He sent emails from every stop to beg me to talk to him. I didn't respond. He cancelled his trip to Hawaii with his gal pal and came back crying that he would lose his job. He never spent another night in my home. His girlfriend wrote to me to tell me how much of a Christian she is and how her relationship with my ex was more about friendship than sex and that she always encouraged him to come back to me. I asked her why she thought I would want him after being with her.

I am amazed at the number of posts on this subject. Ten pages long !
But here I am, writing to you all. Six weeks ago my husband confessed to
Me that he was seeing someone, (having told my daughter the day before, she was not pleased ) after 20 years of marriage I never suspected as he is not a ladies man at all. I was gob-smacked to say the least. Of course it was all my fault and he hadn't been happy for the past four years. But if it was ok he would carry on seeing her and life wouldn't really change for me, well, would you believe that, I was in shock, he continued to see her, telling me when he was going to see her and thought that would be fine, telling me all about her and how he cared for her very much. I suppose this went on for a couple of weeks, I then had sight of his mobile phone bill, phone calls and texts every day, he came in from seeing the OW and I was so angry with him, told him
I would not accept this behaviour and if rebuilding our marriage was possible he would have to tell her it is all over, well, twice he went to tell her, with my knowledge, and twice he said he could not end it. I am waiting for hIm to decide either her or me, but it's strange, I am now feeling I don't want to be with him, he has gone away on his own to sort himself out, but I can't understand how he blames everyone but himself ! I think that is the most upsetting thing. And this has been said In The previous posts. Feels like a complete muddle and I am sea with it all

Tiggy, you must make your own decision, but if a man told me that he could not give up another woman, his suitcases would be on the step and the locks changed next time he went to visit her. Do you really think he is now ever going to be faithful to you? Will you ever be able to trust him? Read what the other members have said and done - you can manage without him.

tiggy Be strong and do what is best for you, only you know what your feelings are towards him and how much you will put aside to hold onto your relationship, but don't sell yourself short you deserve better .