passed away

No, I'm not determined to pick a fight however rude and aggressive your posts are GG

Working in care home in 1970s, I couldn't wake a resident one morning, faint pulse and may have taken tablets during the night. My colleague rang local doctor who said he'd come round. He arrived about an hour later, was deeply embarrassed to find the lady had a faint pulse as he'd assumed that my colleague meant that she had died. He apologised for having had breakfast before coming. Happily the resident slept a little longer, awakened and lived for several more years.

Some years before our family GP had understood that my father had died when my mother rang her and said 'I can't wake my husband.'

Agree with Teetime's training, best to be clear. I do, however, tend to use the expression the bereaved person uses as that is how they are thinking of their loved one's death. Love the image of pets 'crossing the rainbow bridge' but would find it difficult to say the words myself! Where did that expression come from?

I definitely prefer 'died' - but sometimes what I am comfortable with is not comfortable for other people, so I do tend to use a euphemism such as 'passed away' if I think it would make it easier for the person I am talking to.

Daisyanswerdo There are no words, sending you a hug.

Fortunately, we all understand the euphemisms and people should feel free to use whatever is suitable at the time. We need to be guided by the bereaved though or risk upsetting or even offending them.
Totally agree with TwiceAsNice that we must be very clear with children and also careful that things aren't 'lost in translation', as it were.
The pet scenario works well and prepares children for life. My granddaughter, aged 6, insisted that the long dead and buried goldfish was exhumed and went with them when they moved house. Needless to say, Daddy 're-buried' (cough, cough) the fish whilst granddaughter was asleep the first night in the new house and she put the original little painted stone on the 'new grave' in the morning. Well, sometimes a white lie never hurts.

Surely what is disrespectful is mocking those who choose not to say 'dead or died', I do think questioning sending out a search party if the word 'lost ' is used is mocking . Doesn't take a genius to understand if a person tells you they have lost their husband they do not mean mislaid him , the grief shows in the face as does fear

I hate it when people use the term "lost" for someone having died. My initial reaction is "have they sent out a search party?"

Frankly, the taboo around disability, death and dying is still all too evident. Children have always been shielded from it, presuming that they can't understand or cope with the knowledge. My daughter PMd me a few days ago because one of their pet Guinea Pigs was going to be euthanased and she didn't know what to do. I felt it was a golden opportunity for her to broach the topic to Katie, aged 5, before the demise of GF in Scotland in his 80s.

Even though I might prefer that for clarity's sake.

I don't think it would ever be wrong to stick to one's own preferred expressions when speaking of death. If someone told me a relative had passed/passed away (whatever), so long as I understood that the person had died and they didn't mean anything else, I would send them a card with sympathy about the death of their relative.

This does not mean they need use the words death or died if they prefer not to.

You seem determined to pick a fight Anya without even reading what I actually wrote - why?

I never said anything other than it being up to each person. I explained that I thought it was another form of euphemism which I, personally would not choose to use but that equally I would listen to what a bereaved person was saying.

Are you saying that if I explained to you that someone close to me had died/was dead you would deliberately use the words you think should be used rather than picking up on the bereaved persons chosen words or just avoiding any specific word?

From the tone of your replies I think the answer to that is "probably".

Say not day sorry

I work in bereavement and many adults use euphemisms because of the finality or distress of saying someone has died. However it is very important to say died to children as their very literal way of thinking causes them great confusion and distress if you day anything else. When my son died many years ago his sister was just 8 she heard her grandfather say something about her brother had just gone to sleep( he was unconscious before he died). We then had 6 months of a terrified child not being able to go to sleep "in case she woke up dead" We didn't now she,d overheard the conversation at the time it was so soon after the death we hadn't even come back home.

I'm sorry to hear about that, Daisy. Of course you speak about it and think about it, in any way that you can cope with.
It was brave of you to come into this pedantic topic.

Good I'm glad you agree that it IS up to each individual GG

Sorry for your loss Daisy

Daisy from me too x

Daisy

Daisy

When my DH died, he 'died'. He didn't pass on, pass away, pass over or anything else. In fact, I found it very upsetting and still do, if anyone used/uses those euphemisms. Trite, twee and totally unnecessary in my opinion.

It's so very hard to write that my daughter - no, I still can't use that word. She is - and no, that's impossible too. It was only 7 months ago, so perhaps one day I will be able to use the d- words. I am bewildered by this, because I don't like euphemisms at all. I have used 'lost' because that's what it feels like. I've lost her, I don't know where she is.

Not sure about it being thought disrespectful, but too blunt, perhaps?

I've always used 'died'. Sometimes I do add a 'sadly, or 'unfortunately, though...

I think you've hit on the nub there, jane10. Some people (not talking about those on this thread) seem to feel that saying someone has died is somehow disrespectful. It isn't but perhaps that why there is a trend to use passed or passed away.

When one talks of someone having died it isn't necessarily to the bereaved person. Eg you may be telling a neighbour that a mutual friend has died, or informing a solicitor. The personal preferences of the bereaved family members may also vary enormously on an individual basis. I suppose I've mainly been told someone has 'passed' or 'passed on' in rather a pseudo virtuous way that has irritated me. Having worked with people with ASD and LD has made me very aware of the need for absolute clarity about what has happened to a person. Euphemisms are confusing and distressing for some. How you say a thing is important too. You can say that someone has died in a respectful and dignified way.

It seems to me that this thread has, as have so many others, descended into being attacks by some posters on what they think other posters have said. I would always say "died", but I think that Gracesgran (16:12:50) has expressed it very well when she said she would listen to what a bereaved person said and be sensitive to that. What we say to someone who has been recently bereaved is not necessarily relevant to what we say in everyday speech, and I hope that nobody feels that they have to attack me for saying so.