Should there be apologies made for adoptions

Shinamae I'm glad it wasn't an awful place. The home near where I lived seemed to look after the girls well. They would use the shops close to my house and would walk down with the babies in prams to buy bits and pieces.

I found the mothers had a facebook group and exchanged many stories about the area, the home, the staff etc. Lots seem to have positive memories about staff members they liked.

The home was a religious home.

The mother and baby home I was in was not at all bad, (nothing like the Magdalene laundries although we did have to do a lot of washing and housework!!! but people were not unkind to us )there were girls from all over Devon there,about 10 I think and I still remember the matron,Mrs Leeman a very dour Scotswoman but with a heart of gold.When my daughter turned 18 I did get in touch with a society that helps bring adoptees and their birth parents together but she had not registered to find me and I can’t say I blame her, she had no choice in the adoption. A social worker at the time did say to me that very often the adoptee will wait until her parents have passed away and then search for the birth mother. I don’t think I have any right to expect anything, all I would like to know is that she has had a good life and that would be enough for me. And thank you for all your kind comments ??? I did keep in touch with one of the ladies who used to help at the home for years and years until I had a letter from her daughter saying she had died of cancer and that broke my heart, she had been such a kind woman

I blame the "hard-hearted Hannahs" who took the babies from their mothers-----without question. All they were short of were jack-boots. What type of a woman could/ would do that to anyone ? Did none of them have a voice ?
Pankhurst's words/ marches were in vain weren't they ?

I think the government has less apologising to do than the various Churches who were implicit in the shaming of unmarried mothers and were the force behind many of the sad stories we hear from earlier decades.

I fostered some babies direct from hospital and sometimes was involved in working with the new adoptive parents, showing them how to do things like bathing, feeding etc.

The religious houses did some dreadful things in the way they managed young girls who were pregnant.

An even worse alternative back in those days was the illegal backstreet abortions, often resulting in such buchery that the girl could never ever have any future pregnancy.

Some local authorities back then did try to set up fostering arangements for these young Mums to go into with their babies - when they could not return to their homes. However, foster parents back then, djdnot receive any sort of wage or payment, just a very small amount of money to cover out-of-pocket expenses, so it made it extremely difficult to attract people into fostering.

I am, so fortunately, not in a position to know whether an apology can help in any way. It does, thought, accept how wrong so much of this forced taking away of babies were. There were, of course, many of these babies adopted into otherwise childless homes, and brought up with great love and care.

If the likes of the Anglican, R.C. Methodists and Salvation Army hadn’t run the homes where would the girls have gone ?

The story from Felice backs that up Sodapop.

I agree with "what would the neighbours say " Anniebach but I still think that this was a result of pressure from religious leaders of most denominations. At the very least they lacked compassion and at worst vilified the girls.

An apology from the Government is meaningless Ilovecheese how was it their fault that girls were treated in this way. Just pandering to emotions.

I still can't see how anyone could object to an apology if that is what some (obviously not all ) of the girls that this happened to would wish for. It would be, as has been said earlier in the thread, an acknowledgement of their pain, and if it helped in any small way, I really can't see the harm.

As for "where would the girls and their babies have lived?" my friend and her baby were looked after in small commune after her parents would not let her go home with her baby (at 17 years old) the commune supported them both. They were good people, not religious, just decent.

I was adopted at 5 months old , I have since traced my Mother and have a wonderful relationship with her.
She had me and after 5 days she went for a bath, got back to her bed and I was gone and her belongings were in her suitcase at the bottom of her bed.
She was 20 and her Grandparents had put me up for adoption, she was then forced to sit in their Church with a mask on saying sinner as members of the congregation were each handed a cane to beat her with. She was then walked through the streets with the mask on. Finding here was the best moment of my life and our relationship is so precious to me0

sodapop

Not sure what your point is Anniebach

You are dead right there Anniebach . I fostered babies from a week old who were to be adopted and some came from very good homes but it was the girl's parents who would refuse to let her keep the baby. Even teachers with good jobs had no help in keeping the babies . We had one little girl whose mother wanted us to keep her long term until she could afford to have her . It never came to that but I would have been devistated to give her up after a long time . Only one set of parents relented ( the girls had 6 weeks to decide and had to wait until then ) and let her take her baby home . She had not seen him since he left the hospital . Unmarried mothers have it so much easier now .

I remember my mother telling my older brother "I'll be just as disappointed in you if you ever have to tell me you've got a girl into trouble as I'd be if Rosie had to tell me she was in trouble." She always pointed out it was someone else's daughter, sister etc Another thing she firmly believed was you don't bring up a child for 16 years to throw them out because they've made a mistake. We were both assured that if it happened we'd be supported and loved. When my friend got pregnant at 16 it was my mum and dad that said she could come to us when her parents wanted to arrange an illegal abortion. They eventually calmed down and adored the baby granddaughter they were blessed with.
On the subject of an apology, if it would help, then yes, although I feel it would be the wrong people apologising. Regrettably there are still people who hold those same old views of shame etc

Sparklefizz

theworriedwell My mother wasn't perfect, nobody is, but one thing I always remember was when I was 14 or 15 she suddenly said, "I hope it never happens but if you get into "trouble" always know we are here for you and the baby.

.....whereas my own Mum said to me at much the same age that if I ever got pregnant I'd be out, and not to forget it!!

Maybe she was just trying to frighten you but would have been more sympathetic if it happened. I hope so.

henetha

P.S. Yes, theworriedwell. You are right. My mother's parents played a big part in forcing her to give me away.

So sad but I do hope your adoption went well for you.

One thing that came to me on this thread was the story from
Shinamae and it made me feel so sad for you . It must have been heartbreaking to leave your baby that way.
I know it is a bit impertinent to ask but did your child ever try to find you or maybe you searched for the child yourself?

I too had my first child a little later in the 70s at only 17.5 years old and my mother finding out I was pregnant was one of the biggest worries. The s**t hit the fan when she knew and everything was suggested about what my fate would be. As Anniebach has said above "What will the neighbours say" and also the rest of extended family was certainly a big factor.
Things calmed down and I told my family I will never let my baby go and even now I realize what good parents I had
as they supported me and cared for me and throughout the rest of their lives no one brought them more happiness than that child (even more happiness than me)
I hope Shinamae you found a better life and peace so sad for you.

I was pregnant when I got married at age 20. My husband`s family knew, but as I was living with my grandma, who we didn`t tell, I had to tell my mother in order for her to give permission for me to marry. I didn`t tell my grandma until we came back from our honeymoon, and she told me to leave her house as I`d brought shame on the family. This was in 1963! She did eventually come round after a few weeks of sending us to Coventry, then she spent all her time spoiling our daughter rotten.

Lots of young girls were sent to 'family' too, not just Mother and baby homes

Boys could buy condoms; there was no contraception available for unmarried girls.
Sixteen year old boys could and did stand by their girls and some did marry. It was the 'how do I know it is my baby?' that was so bad.

sodapop where would the pregnant girls have gone if those
homes didn’t provide shelter? I don’t think religion was the cause of parents putting their daughters in those homes, it was
‘What will the neighbours say’

I suppose not all the mother and baby homes were as bad as the Magdalen ones Anniebach between a rock and a hard place for unmarried girls/women at that time. Even within my adopted family there were "religious" people who would not acknowledge my existence. Very hypocritical views from religious leaders then.

Shinamae so sorry to hear how you were treated as a child, unforgivable

To quote one of my sisters - ‘my contraception was Mum and Dad ‘

Sparklefizz

theworriedwell My mother wasn't perfect, nobody is, but one thing I always remember was when I was 14 or 15 she suddenly said, "I hope it never happens but if you get into "trouble" always know we are here for you and the baby.

.....whereas my own Mum said to me at much the same age that if I ever got pregnant I'd be out, and not to forget it!!

Yes I think a lot of our Mums did that. There was lots of talk of bringing shame on the family too and labelling of young women as slags/sluts too

theworriedwell My mother wasn't perfect, nobody is, but one thing I always remember was when I was 14 or 15 she suddenly said, "I hope it never happens but if you get into "trouble" always know we are here for you and the baby.

.....whereas my own Mum said to me at much the same age that if I ever got pregnant I'd be out, and not to forget it!!

Shinamae I'm so sorry to read your story and my heart goes out to you.