My son can’t handle money

Maybe your help in assisting him to set up a help-to-buy ISA and encourage him to save on a regular basis rather than any financial contribution yourselves.
Help him to research the options available at present so that he can start to take responsibility for himself.
In the long run this could be the start to "enabling" him?

As regards the house, have you thought of buying a place for him to live in and getting him to pay rent. If you will be paying the deposit you might also be able to get a mortgage.
I realise that this isn't a good idea for everyone, but I'm only making the suggestion because that is what we did for our eldest son when we thought he couldn't be trusted with anymore handouts - very long story. And it's worked very well, got DS back on his feet and meant that the rent money he would have to pay in any case actually stayed within the family.
You don't mention how old your DS is but in my experience all youngsters need support until they are at least 30 these days. By that age they will hopefully be able to support themselves at least financially. Emotional support is, I'm afraid, a lifetime commitment on our part.

My answer would be no.
Firstly, it's not fair on your daughters. I'd be fuming if I were them.
You say your son constantly has his hand out for help with debts, so even if you gave him the deposit money to buy a house do you honestly think he is capable of paying a mortgage for the next 25 years. Of course not. He would be holding his hand out to you to pay it.
He has a roof over his head already. Like the rest of us, we can't always have what we want.

I’d help him out but insist on him setting up a regular standing order from the beginning to pay you back. Who is telling your daughters about you helping him out financially? It’s not really any of their business.

The only help you can give him is signing him up to a finance for dummies seminar

You have to stop enabling him. Period. He wont get more finance savvy if you dont let him hit rock bottom.

He can keep on renting till he saves enough money for the deposit. This is seriously not rocket science.

You are also damaging your relationship with your dd.
What is it going to happen when you run out of money and cannot afford anything?
Do you expect your dd to help? Because you know your son won't do it.

I feel your pain. Have a very similar situation. So many people say stop giving him help but what then? I’m convinced he’d be on the streets. A financial advisor actually ‘saved’ me in a way. He said he’s your son. Why wouldn’t you look after him? I’ve felt much better since. Sorry that’s not much help I guess. I see this such a lot in our young men these days. I don’t know why it is. My sons friends also struggle. The girls are sorted but the boys...?‍♀️ All aged early 30’s.

I'm with Hithere on this, time for your son to stand on his own two feet. Why can he not continue to rent until such time as he can afford to buy.
I can understand how your daughters feel Margomar I don't understand why you think its severe stress renting a house, many people do this successfully. Time to have a talk about his expectations of the bank of Mum & Dad.

I think that you should only help in as much as you can help all your children. You also seem to say that gifting this amount of capital would have a severe impact on your finances. Suppose you need to arrange care for yourselves at some stage? What will happen when he can't pay the mortgage? Or the electricity? I think that the idea of helping him to save for a deposit is the best way forward. At some stage he will have to take financial responsibility for himself.

Whatever you give him and have given him in the past should be reflected in both of your Wills, when you both die he will get less than your daughters, that’s the only fair thing to do as your DDs know that you are helping him out, it would set their minds at rest.
I would give him help with the rental if he needs it, but you have to take a step back sooner or later and if you help him to buy a house he will never afford to keep up the many costs involved in keeping it.
Of course all the time the Bank of Mum and Dad are helping him out why would he bother to help himself?

My immediate thought was that you will only have a “small amount” of savings left if you give him money for a house. If your savings run out and you are in need, who will help you? Your daughters of course, not your son!
It must seem to them that you care for him much more than you care for them.

He has a job now so he needs to learn to manage, like your daughters have done. One of my sons rents his home. It’s what suits his circumstances. I’m not sure your son would keep up the mortgage payments anyway.

What he has had should be part of his inheritance. If you lend him money for a house can you put a restriction or charge on the deeds so that it tries to secure your money. It is hard to say no when you are worried about mental health but it is harder to keep on bailing someone out when you really don’t think you should. It feels like a form of blackmail because you worry so much about the consequences of not helping but it can’t go on forever. Good luck.

I don’t understand this mindset of give, give, give to AC. I have three sons and help them all financially from time to time but I see it as enabling not helping in the situation you describe OP. I understand your DH worrying about suicide and obviously you don’t want to see him on the streets but, at some point, he has to grow up and take responsibility for himself. I’d give my children my last penny if I had to but constantly bailing them out doesn’t do them any favours in the long term. As for helping him get a mortgage? I wouldn’t as you will, in effect, be buying him a house as he’ll probably miss payments and expect you to make them. No wonder your daughters are angry.

If you ran through all your savings tomorrow and then died suddenly, who would finance him then? His sisters? I doubt it. They would tell him to grow up, as they have done.

You say he is bad at managing money, as though that is built-in, like left-handedness or blue eyes, but managing money is an acquired skill. It is time he learnt how to do it. None of us are born with an innate ability to spin out our resources so that we are never in debt. A baby wants what he wants now and gets it because he is totally dependent (and loud!). He/she gradually learns how what you want, what you can have, and what someone else will give you, all fit together in the framework of time and life.

If the Bank of Mum and Dad is always open for interest-free loans, never needing to be repaid, there is never any need to learn how to cut his coat according to his cloth, to spend first on the inevitable and eternal overheads and to keep something back for future essentials before splashing out on impulse buys that empty his account - in short, to be a responsible adult.

Get him to enroll in a short course on money management and to make an appointment with an advisor. They can educate him without being overwhelmed with "But this is my baby boy who needs me . . ." feelings to distract you from what he really needs.

As for renting v buying - millions of people rent all their lives and are perfectly happy and successful, with no debts and no stress-related hang-ups.

I am not in your position my son and daughter have never asked for anything. However I do have family who can’t manage money. Our friends had funded their sons drug habit for years. They were ashamed of him but kept up an image up so most people didn’t know it.
It’s sounds as if you are enabling your son to depend on you. You have daughters to consider too it’s about time your son manned up and took responsibility for his own finances.

My younger brother has mismanaged his life, not just, but mainly, financial, has been pulled out of debt at least three times by my parents and lied about money to me, leaving me in a difficult financial position for a while as I had paid for a joint present and after it had been given, he confessed he couldn't give me his half. He has an entitled attitude and has walked out of jobs because mum and dad saw him ok. He now lives with mum and doesn't give her a penny, has put a pension lump sum in bonds and is still entitled. Mum has recently paid for half his car. I asked my parents for nothing, even when I became a single parent. Why is this relevant? I have no respect or liking for my brother. I will not keep in touch when mum died. And I am detached from mum. She, more than dad, has enabled this 60 year old waster. This is how your daughters will feel.

Dies not died.

You are not doing him any good by handing him money whenever he asks, it sounds as if he needs to learn to grow up and stand on his own two feet. The more you give the more he will expect.
I don't blame your daughters for being upset by the way they see him being favoured.

My parents did similarly with my younger brother, while I was told from an early age that I had to pay my own way/get a job etc etc. He has never held a proper job in his 61 years, was always scrounging off my parents. After my mum died my Dad still paid for at least 2 cars for him and paid off some debts from time to time, but that has mainly stopped after I discussed things with my father.
I have very little contact with my brother and can go years without seeing or talking to him, like Grandmabatty says there is no respect.

I agree with sharon103.

I think there is a way of you investing in his property so that the money is still yours I’m sure someone on here will know about it . My sons FiL did this in my sons house . It’s just for five years so they have the money back now . That’s fairer for your daughters and yourselves. My BiL who was a stockbroker always said put your money in bricks and mortar !

Thanks for all the comments - I am completely new to Gransnet but this is so helpful. The ISA route will be a something to consider. Also a charge on our will could make things fairer re the 3 daughters.

Whatever you decide to do be transparent.
Our youngest opted to go to university overseas, this meant no student loans.
We helped him until an inheritance he was due came through but we had a spreadsheet and an agreement that he signed, our other two AC were shown copies.
He has now paid us back.
Whatever we do for one we do for all three otherwise it too unfair.

You need to allow your adult son to be responsible for his life.
He is using you as a crutch and will never grow up if you allow this to continue.
As parents the best thing we can do at times is just to step back and allow things to take there course.
You need to think about yourself and your husband and the future you want for yourselves.
I would never ever treat my son and daughter differently.
I gifted my daughter some money this year, she didn't ask for any but they are making alterations to their home and I wanted to contribute. I gave my son the same amount.

Make suggestions to help manage his money, that's all.

Allowing a reduction on inheritance will not teach him anything and is a nonsense.
You might have to go into care, or borrow money from your property no one knows what will happens in the future?
He needs to stand on his own feet.

What happens when he can’t pay the mortgage?

This mirrors my own experience with my eldest son. He has 3 sisters too and also a younger brother. All his siblings are very good with money and all have their own homes, cars etc and all bought with money they have earned. He has a good job but despite all that he constantly has his hand held out for money. £50 here, £25 there, it all adds up. Money drips through his fingers like water and he has nothing to show for his 40 years on the planet except for a rented flat, no car and unpaid bills. Like you, my children are furious that he is like this and I often help him. A few weeks ago matters came to a head when he asked for a few hundred pounds just days after getting his salary. I told him I wouldn't help him again unless we sat down and went through his bank statements to see where his money was going. He then said he has been betting. I am not saying this is your son's problem but there may be a reason he cannot manage on what you say is a decent job. It's a very tricky situation and you are pig in the middle. Not a nice place to be. Good luck.