Adult Son and money

Just an update. Husband has written him an email saying he either pays rent and for the damaged car or he leaves home. Quite short and to the point.

Eviebeanz far from "harsh words". What you did was spot on and the outcome proves it. Well done and I bet it was a hard thing to do...tough love is hard!

Evibeanz Were I in your situation, I would have done exactly as you have done.

I think for some AC, life at home is made too comfortable and they are not expected to pay their way, so they make the most of what they can get.

I am expecting to be on the receiving end of some harsh words but here goes - my youngest son is 29. Has an extremely limited work history - is now studying full time and doing well. He lived with me and my husband until about 3 weeks ago. He experienced mh issues which he readily admitted to self medicating with weed. He lived a lifestyle that I didn't agree with and he didn't feel that he should adapt to take my views into consideration at all. His room was a tip and he didn't lift a finger to help. I could never see an end to it. However I had reached the point where I could take no more. He is now renting a house with a friend and is doing okay. We have helped him to make this move and I feel it has been the making of him. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that what you think is helping isn't always helpful if you see what I mean

Sorry I should have said husband and me have agreed on a plan - son is not aware of it!

Son knows we aren't happy as being chatty which is unusual. We are agreed on a plan but not until lockdown is over. I have contacted the council and he can apply for accommodation and he fits the criteria. One of the criteria was having supportive local family which was interesting.

Thanks for comments, daughter lives over 3 hours away. Only gets in contact if she wants something. Tbh I have had to let her go emotionally. She does the opposite of any advice we give. We just leave her to it now. She is 22. Has a good job and earns well. She is in sales so she obviously knows how to talk to people just not her family. We dont ask for much just calmness and kindness. She speaks to us like we are dirt. Husband always goes back for more but I dont anymore.

Sorry. I’ve just read you are battling stage 3 Cancer. How awful for you and how dreadful to have such uncaring children. You aren’t alone in this. Please think of yourself more and stop allowing your son to sponge off you like this.

You are enabling him and therefore encouraging him in his irresponsible and, yes, selfish ways. For a start I’d make him pay board.

You say he’s on the spectrum but undiagnosed. Is this your opinion? You don’t know he’s on the spectrum unless he’s been assessed. One of my sons was very similar to this and either me or his father were forever bailing him out until we’d had enough. He had to pull himself together in the end as he’d run out of options. He’s still not 100% right but a lot better.

As for your son regaining his money but refusing to give you any back! I’m afraid I’d refuse to allow him in the house until he did. Tough love definitely required as he has to grow up and face his responsibilities I’m afraid.

Am I right in thinking that you have not got a great relationship with your daughter, does she verbally abuse because of her brother. I think there is perhaps some family dynamics here that makes this a more complicated issue.

is your daughter on the autistic spectrum, do you think?

How hurtful.
Have you spoilt your children, would you say?

Yes she was well aware. I was diagnosed last July. She has barely acknowledged it. No card, call, flowers. If mentioned she says you’ll be fine. She seems to have an issue with empathy.

The cancer movie example is very unfortunate. Was she aware of your circumstances then?

What other examples can you give us? Trying to get the full picture

There are lots of elements to the various parts of your situation and I think you are struggling to see the wood for the trees! So, unpicking things a little bit from the information you have given:

1. Your own situation and your needs - a calm home where you can feel safe and relaxed? support with dealing with your illness - emotional and physical support? ....what else?

- So what do YOU need to happen to facilitate YOUR needs, not anyone else's, yours!! What can you do to make those things that you need happen?

2. Your son's needs from your perspective - to grow up and learn to be independent?... What else?

- Within the context of what YOU need, what might you be able to do/stop doing to facilitate your son becoming an independent grown up? To facilitate other needs from your perspective?

3. Your daughter's needs from your perspective - ???

- Within the context of what YOU need, what might you be able to do/stop doing to facilitate your daughter's needs. from your perspective?

Once you have considered those elements start thinking about YOUR actions ...those are the things that YOU can do, not what you think others should/could do! Plan out how you are going to achieve what you need in your home; what you need to do/say to others to achieve those things for yourself

All of the above probably looks simplistic and unaware of the realities of the difficult conversations and actions that may be necessary. But until you clearly acknowledge what you are trying to get to for yourself and what is needed to get there, then I think you will struggle to see the wood for the trees!!

Once you have an end plan you can start to work out the steps towards that end plan and the conversations that need to happen etc. But be careful not to block the planning stage by rejecting things because they might be difficult or painful or whatever! if you do that then nothing will change!

PM me if you would like some suggestions about approaches etc once you have a plan.

I feel that once you lend money to anyone be prepared to never see its return. I have a brother very like your son. He is living off my mum at the age of 59. He has never taken responsibility for his life, never went to university, despite being clever and mum and dad got him out of financial trouble at least three times. He doesn't pay a penny to mum yet has a better pension every month than I do. Mum refuses to approach any of this with him. I have no respect for him and a very detached relationship with mum because of him. Is this the scenario you want in your life? Because this could well be what happens.

OP

I would concentrate on what you can do, not what other people can do.

What can you do right now to make it all better?

SecondhandRose

What are everyone’s thoughts on whether he should be paying back the £8k from the cryptocurrency.

I think that's something for later SecondhandRose I would concentrate on getting him settled in a place of his own with a clear understanding that will be the end of the financial help you can offer. I think he should make an effort to repay the money at some point but that's unrealistic now.

What are everyone’s thoughts on whether he should be paying back the £8k from the cryptocurrency.

Our daughter isnt an issue currently. Why she has so much aggression we dont know. She visited a couple of months back and wanted me to watch a movie about a woman who dies of cancer. When I said I didn’t want to watch that sort of movie (as I have stage 3 cancer) she flounced off and said the film isnt about you! Unable to understand how I felt about it.

Firstly, I’d like to say that I have every sympathy with the dilemma you’re in, and it is a dilemma.

There are so many overlapping issues that it is not going to be easy to tease a way through them, but for your sake, and for your son’s I would suggest that you do need to address the problems head on.

If you are able to catch him at a time when you are feeling calm, and with the support of your husband I would sit him down and say that you are aware that he is now financially able to support himself. With that in mind you would like to give him 4/6/8 week’s notice to find other accommodation as you and your husband need to focus on dealing with your health issues.

Don’t make it about him, but about what your needs are.

If he leaves your home it will be less stressful to then tackle him about those areas of his life that have become problematic. But a word of warning; you mention that your son occasionally gambles and that he deals in cryptocurrency (in itself a form of gambling) - I currently have a client in a similar situation and have a had a steep learning curve in discovering how much of an addiction that can be.

I think you will find that a CCJ is attached to a person and not an address. It’s an urban myth that an address will be ‘blacklisted’.

Secondhandrose. It is time to put yourself and your health at the forefront of your life. Let your children look after themselves.

It is strange with children. Every child inherits a random selection of genes from both parents. Sometimes this produces children who seem to be trouble free, other times the mix is such that there are problems from day one.

My son is 35 and has been a constant headache for years. Oddly, he now tells me he deals in cryptocurrency too and the way he talks he makes out he's a millionaire.
When he was younger than your son my ex and myself would no longer give him a home. He became homeless and joined the occupy movement just so he could get free meals and a tent. He has never held down a job and now has an 8 month old daughter and is holed up with his partner, her 19 year old son and a small baby. He is learning fast and we are repairing our fractured relationship very slowly.
My son is a user of people- not easy to accept as a parent but I faced the truth and so must you.

He is acting like he is because you are letting him. Lock up the Bank of Mum and Dad. Tell him to pay the rent or move out.

If he doesn't, change the locks and leave his belongings on the doorstop in black bags