Dividing up family treasures

Tricky situation this. Often brings out the worst in people. Was there a will naming an executer. Even though their job is only to carry out the deceased wishes as stated in a will they could perhaps discuss various options.

If there is no will then whosoever has made other arrangements eg funeral expenses could talk to family members.

No way should people simply be invited to come and choose. The vultures will swoop in and the sparrows will be left with meagre pickings.

PS with social distancing etc there is no rush so take time to think this through. .

Give people momentoes then sell the rest and divide it up as per the estate/will details. Send to auction. Much easier to sort out.

This is where having a highly organised parent came in handy. My mother either gave away a lot before she died or designated things to individual family members and instructed her four children on how to divide up everything else (a kind of rota choosing system). A bit OTT but.....

Perhaps ask anyone who seems appropriate, eg the granddaughters, if there is anything they would like of your mother’s, before selling it.
I don’t think the monetary value matters very much, unless there’s a big difference in value of the things that they choose. But it might be important to the granddaughters to have something that once belonged to your mother & other family members before her.

When my parents died (in the same week), they had left a few instructions about things to go to grandchildren. The rest of the 'treasures' were assembled at my sister's and we three 'children' gathered and took turns to choose. What was left went to charity shop or tip. I found it a good experience as it was just the three of us and the ornaments etc. prompted lots of memories.

When mil and fil died her sons took it in turns to choose with an agreement that calue was disregarded.

Whrn mil died fil asked all 4 daughters in law what they would like of her jewellery.

Why not ask people to list five things they would like and then see if everyone can be satisfied that way giving each person roughly the same amount in monetary value? Otherwise sell the lot

My MIL has just died, my SIL took all of her jewellery and gave it to her daughters and GC. Our DDs and GCs weren’t offered anything.
When the house was emptied we were invited to go down and take what we wanted, when we arrived everything was on the floor in 2 rooms, ‘everything’ was what was left after SIL had taken most of it.I just took some photograph albums and some kitchen utensils.
Still. That’s families for you!

I think what Daisymae has suggested seems quite fair. One thing that struck me after my parents died was how redundant their ‘things’ were now - it seems an obvious thing to say but it does hit home. There were not a lot of things we ‘kids’ wanted, some mementoes and bits and pieces but it made me think that I didn’t want our DC to be left with an arduous task when we die. I’m not a hoarder so find it easy to sling things and when we’re considering buying something, particularly that we don’t really need, I remind my DH that it’s only going to be something the kids are going to have to get rid of!

We had an enormous amount of photos which I’ve gone through and just kept the ones with the children and some pets in. All the holiday views (those places are still there!) and very similar ones I got rid of. I kept the historical photos passed down to us with the family trees and have put them all together in a plastic crate.

My friends husband was an antique dealer and when he died she told the children that they could choose some of the antiques. They responded with "we dont want antiques mum weve got IKEA!"

I'd suggest everyone reading this, busy a book called "The Art of Death Cleaning". It's a rubbish title, originally in Swedish, but a VERY good book at the way we view our "stuff". My mum was a hoarder, it took a year of very hard work to empty her house for sale, I wish I'd found this book 40 years ago!

Its just over a year since my brother and I had to sort out the contents of our Mum's home after her death. She left no instructions but had always said she knew we would sort it out between us. No vultures in our family. It took time and had to be done in manageable chunks. Monetary value seemed irrelevant and the things we had the most emotional difficulty with were the very personal things. Her grandchildren were asked what they would like and their requests were small and specific to her memory. She is the gift that just keeps on giving. In our hearts, in our minds and in our homes.

My Mum didn’t have jewellery of any monetary value. I still have her jewellery box full of cheap costume jewellery and neck beads.

Sadly she didn’t live to see my grandkids born. When my granddaughter was young she loved to rake through the box and try everything on.

It was our special thing we’d do together when her baby brother was having his nap. She’d say “can we look in your Mummy’s special box?

Special memories can make something more valuable than money can buy. She’s 13 now and still likes the occasional rummage in the jewellery box.

It all depends on how each of the depends get along with each other. I would hope that they could all sit down together and agree which pieces of jewellery they might like as keepsakes .
and another other could be sold and the money split between any grand children.
When my mother-in-law died, my sister-in-law said that everything had been left to her but asked her brothers what they wanted out of the household items. We had the portable TV and my brother-in-law had all of the furniture.
My sister-in-law took all the jewellery and did split any money. If people can't decide then give it all to charity.

If there are siblings, grandchildren who would all like a memento there could be conflict if more than one wants the same item. Identify the items and then have a tombola type distribution. I know it sounds gross but it will be the luck of the draw and if anyone wants to swop then they can. All the rest either sold, given to charity or dumped. Weddings and funerals bring out the worst in folk, as the saying goes.

Grannylaine we posted at the same time and I think we were having similar thoughts about our lovely and dearly missed Mums ?

When my husband died suddenly, after the funeral I asked my kids if they would like any mementoes and to come round and have a look and take what they wanted. They were all very happy to pick items they wanted to keep. Everything that was left I sent to the local hospice charity shop.

I would definitely go with getting everyone to make a list of the 5 things they would like and perhaps with a note of what that item would mean to them (other than monetary value).
My Dad died 8 months ago and mum couldnt clear his stuff out quickly enough. He didn't have many personal possessions and she had already given his 2 most personal watches to my adult sons (the only grandchildren).
He had two pairs of cufflinks and no-one in my family wears them but my husband does. I took them as my brother would sell them if he got his hands on them and they were given to my Dad by his Dad. I will treasure them and pass them to his great grandsons when they are older. Within a month of his passing there was nothing apart from the odd photo in the house that had anything to do with my Dad. He would have been 85 today ?

I read an article once, which suggested each inheritor/child was given a different coloured pad of sticky-notes. They then each went round the house, putting one of their sticky-notes on anything they would like to have. Then they all looked to see which items had one or more sticky notes on. If an item had just one sticky-note on, it was clear cut. Where there were two or more sticky-notes on an item negotiations were had. I thought this was a good idea, because it saved the initial conversational embarrassment!

From reading your post, Boadicea, I don’t know if the person who owns these treasures has died. If they are still alive could you list all the valuable items, put each on a piece of paper and then those who are to inherit can pick one from the pot without knowing what it is. This way there is no person being given something more valuable than another.
Now I see that others are also suggesting this!

Tricky. A friend invited her children to put postit notes on all the relevant items in the house (included late relatives items), saying how much they liked them on a 1:10, explaining that the information would inform but not determine what was given away. She took a phone photo after each child visited, and removed the notes somthe next child was not inhibited. What came out was a little surprising. A very valuable large clock was very admired but no-one really wanted it. Some items she wanted to clear out now could be immediately given to children (ugly large jug that had always been on the landing window sill) or if unwanted (and a surprising amount was not wanted even if admired) sold or junked. She now knows which of the precious things she lives with will go to which child / grandchild, and has written a document to list them.

I gave my DIL my mother’s engagement ring that had problems with the claws breaking. It cost too much to secure the stones as it was and a jeweller refused to make the stones into another ring as there was no proof that they weren’t conflict diamonds.

We had a similar situation to you Oopsadaisy when DH’s mother died. The day after the funeral the vultures swept in and took everything of value. My DH’s late father promised me a little set of books that I always loved to look at when visiting. They were gone too. It was left to DH and I to organise a skip and clear out the stuff that the vultures didn’t want .