anyone know what this spider is

?? sorry can’t help because I’m standing on the table

It looks like a lace web spider to me. I'm no expert though. Have a Google of some pictures to compare. Good luck. Fascinating creatures, spiders.

Besstwishes you can get down now, it's scuttled off.
The lumpy bit might be its prey, wasn't going to touch it to investigate further.

https://signal-corridor.live/uploads/talk/201805/medium-648999-spider.png%3C/span%3E https://signal-corridor.live/uploads/talk/201805/medium-698765-spider2.png%3C/span%3E

Could it be either of these? I think the body shape of the Florentina is the better match.

Hope it's a big table best - I'm with you on the table!

I've recounted before about the time we were on holiday in Scotland when DD2 (at home in Leicestershire) rang our hotel. The receptionist handed me the phone with a very worried look saying 'she sounds very upset'

She was very upset as there was a 'crunchy' spider on the landing, stopping her coming out of her bedroom. She had stuffed the gap under the door but wanted us to come home and save her.

Eventually, DD1's husband came round, captured the beast and released it on the high street!

???

He/she's a big 'un!
Have you counted the legs? Looks like more than 8.

Perhaps it is 2 mating?

It looks like a wolf spider eating another spider (lump underneath)

Kill it with fire just to be sure

I once stayed out of my kitchen for the entire morning, I could see from the doorway that there was a huge spider on the worktop. When DH came home for lunch he walked over to it, carefully scooped it up, InHis HAND ? and walked towards me.........
It was the stalk out of a very large tomato, DD had made herself a sandwich and it had fallen out of the scraps bin.
Feeling daft ? Moi? Yep.
However, you can’t be too careful can you ? Shudder...

This is me

That's cruel! I love spiders (as I've said before.)

Catch it (them) carefully and put it (them) outside - it could be two and you won't want a houseful of babies!

Unless, of course, the female is eating the male.

I would never kill a spider, but that one looks rather like a brown recluse spider. If it is, they are bad news. It probably isn’t, but..... can I join you all on the table?

My table is large, but becoming crowded, but you’re welcome to hop on!

I did wonder that too Greyduster - and, if so, they are venomous.

My Stepgrand is calling in this afternoon with his girlfriend on their way back to London. She is a zoologist so I will ask her, though I don’t know if she knows much about spiders! Lions, giraffes, wildebeests...... got any of those galloping past the table we are all perched on?

greyduster they didn’t gallop past, they are up here on the table with us! Hence the squeeze...

??

I've tried very hard to be kind to spiders and always catch them and put them outside. (It's no good being scared of them when you live alone, you just have to learn to deal with them). But they are getting nastier, aren't they. I've heard of people getting nasty bites lately. Now something bit me on the leg 3 days ago and I've got a big hard red lump which itches like crazy. I'm smothering it in Anthisan and Germolene alternatively and it's going down slightly.
But was it a spider that did it, I wonder?

Thank you Greyduster an expert eye would be good. No worries if not it disappeared under the house grating

Overthehill the resident zoologist reckons it is a stone spider, though cannot be absolutely sure because it doesn’t look like a lion, a giraffe or a wildebeeste. She also wants to know how you are going to get the giraffe down from the table!!

Ah thank you so much Greyduster and your zoologist. I think that might be one of many spiders I looked at, but it is so hard to tell as the photos don't always look the same.
Haven't seen it since. If I have the misfortune to see it again, should I beware, might it bite?

We are all still here...