husband has had a stroke

No, you do not have to let him come back if he is going to abuse you.
He should be appointed a social worker who can help you too. Could he go into a care home, it could be for convalescence then see how it goes.

Did you talk to the GP about how you feel and what has been going on?

Have your daughters got room for him at their homes if they are so keen for him to come home? Will they step up to the mark and care for him?

We looked after my mother after she'd had strokes (Dad had died a few years before) but she was not difficult at all except for getting upset that we had to do all this for her.
It's not easy.

If he asks why you're not visiting just say it's too difficult to get there or tell a white lie, that you have a cold and don't want to bring it in to the ward or just say you don't feel well, which is true.

My panic attacks are getting worse so the GP has upped my propranolol which has helped a bit.
Now I am getting the bungalow how I like it and I do not like to think of him coming home but my daughters all keep saying he is family nothing is too much trouble for him makin me feel awful. He has got cross a few times in the ward.
My sister said she is taking me out to lunch today then the hospital I know I will be in agony later.
I have started to get things sorted but all the bills are in a right mess but he said that I did not know what I was doing so no right to know. I am battling through but its in a terrible state.
My neighbor has been so kind to me. She has a lot of MH issues but she is so kind to me.
I love the peace here and the dog too he feels so calm now he is rescue and lots of issues but he is so much better. Starting to come out and explore.
I can't say he has to go elsewhere but its nice to sleep without being mauled sorry or days making me cry. He has no one else so I have to let him come back

He's going to be in a distant hospital at least 7 weeks. Frequent or daily visiting is impractical. Meanwhile you have a break from his unpleasant behaviour, and the house to yourself.

This is a rare opportunity to focus on yourself, resting at home, relaxing, improve your own physical and mental health. Eat well, go for a walk, get some fresh air, sleep well at night. Make the most of this time to yourself and see it as a positive. You can start this right now.

Stop worrying about him, he's in good hands and it's now up to him to accept treatment, do whatever the physiotherapist, be responsible for his own rehabilitation .

Take care of yourself. It's long overdue.

labazs, this could be your opportunity to make your relationship a workable, respectful one, so I would aim for that. You can have input from people who are there to help you both, so try to ensure you have their backing.

I would tell the hospital social worker that you are not prepared to have him home until he’s had a mental health assessment. Make the most of the time you have to yourself while he is in hospital!

The way he is now sounds very like my husband. He can only use one arm/hand (the wrong one), he can only walk with a quadstick a few steps indoors, the rest of the time he is in a wheelchair, his speech and memory are affected and he now has diabetes. He also had similar very high blood pressure but he DID take all his meds. The high BP caused his Stroke even so. He had a second stroke 6 weeks ago. Difference is he is never nasty to me so we cope as best we can. He gets very frustrated as he can do so little which I understand.

In your position I would not be living with him if he carries on like that.

You must look after yourself and making a GP appointment as a first step is a good idea.

Oh my.love
What a lot to cope with

I would visit when you feel you can but don’t put yourself out. You need to be well for your own operation

Perhaps he was acting fine - valuing your relationship & knowing he'd got to be "nice" to keep your love - but at his age I don't think peoples' characters suddenly change.
Its more likely that the stuff around his mum has made it more difficult for him to hide his true self.
And anyway, when you've just lost your mum, the loss is the big thing - the fact she wasn't some "perfect" wife, but had an affair (in who knows what circumstances?) - difficult to deal with , yes, but she's still the same person & surely a well-balanced person would still greive for her as that person.
Not suddenly become twisted & start taking it out on his own partner?

Whatever your husband found out about his mum doesn't give him the right to abuse you.
Nothing does.

I'm not surprised you struggle with your mental health, in the circumsances you're putting up with.
The question is, what do you want to do about it?
If you still want to stay, then nobody can really advise you.

Have you seen the gp for yourself, recently?
Why not make an appointment and tell him/her whats going on (for you)

As JenniRen said, you must look after yourself first.
Find support, from organisations or friends or family.
Your partner is in safe hands just now.
That will give you time, for you.
Good luck.

Thank you all yes I have walked out on abusive relationships but he was fine until he realised his mother was not an angel but a lying cheating person it destroyed him.
I am just sat here today at home but all of sudden I start to cry and I am scared of having panic attacks or having a breakdown so cannot support him. I woke up with panic attacks I don't want to take diazepam I do have some but I have no appetite haven't really eaten since friday except bit yoghurt apples and some weetabix which mainly went to the dog

He sounds a nightmare and a bully. I feel for you OP and hope the hospital or your daughter can help you get some much needed support.

Facilitate the taking of his pills.
A glass of water, the pill next to it, then leave it up to him.
Negging and pleading just gives him control, and it sounds as if he has been controlling you for years.

Make sure that doctors and nurses speak to him, and let him tell them he has no intention of taking his medication, if that's how he feels.
Things are bound to be difficult, given the stroke, but it's time he took responsibility for himself.

labazs

I have begged and pleaded with him to take them especially as his mother had a stroke from which she did not come back. I have known a lot of people with strokes with varying degrees of recovery. People keep saying this will be a wake up call but I do not think it has changed him. I honestly think once he does get home he will still go on his own sweet way

Don't beg & plead. To me he sounds contrary and stubborn, the more you ask him to do something the less likely he is to do it. Some men are just like that. & he will feel even more resentful & hard-done by now he's had a stroke (he won't realise he contributed to it, he'll just feel hard-done-by)
I would just say to him, 'these are the tablets the doctor told you to take, I'll leave them here if you want them. If you can't find them, ask me. I'm not going to nag or remind you.'
I hope he does make a good recovery, it is always hard early on with bleeds to predict how it will go, fingers crossed for you both.

I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult position. The advice from Luckygirl13 is good.
Apart from your husband’s medical situation, you are in an abusive relationship and being physically abused is not acceptable. It sounds as if this has been going on for a while, of course what you do about it is entirely up to you, but you should get some professional advice and make contact with Woman’s Aide and possibly report the abuse to the police. Now is the time to care for yourself. Good luck.

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband, labazs.

However, the saying "Fasten your own oxygen mask first" comes to mind so please take care of yourself as a priority. Your husband is being cared for and then you say will be sent to your local hospital. If it is proposed that he comes home at any point, tell them you cannot have him home until a care package is set up.

Please look after yourself and accept any help offered.
His outbursts were perhaps due to his high blood pressure and a reminder to us all, they are not prescribed for nothing.

I am sorry that your circumstances are so difficult.

When the time comes for you to discuss your OH's discharge from hospital you need to be very open with those helping you to organise his care about the sort of man he is and the problems you face: physical, mental health and also the abusive behaviour from him. They need to have the whole picture in order to help you make the right decisions for both of you.

In the meantime you can contact your local Age UK and DV services just to get some information up your sleeve - knowledge is power! That way you do not go into the next step knowing nothing and feeling powerless.

Take some days off from going to see your OH and recharge your batteries.

I have begged and pleaded with him to take them especially as his mother had a stroke from which she did not come back. I have known a lot of people with strokes with varying degrees of recovery. People keep saying this will be a wake up call but I do not think it has changed him. I honestly think once he does get home he will still go on his own sweet way

Morning, I’m so so sorry to hear all this.

I hope you find the help you need both for him and for you.

BP tablets are always there for a reason. My friends sister did the same as your husband, didn’t take her pills, had a stroke.

Good luck