Black Dogs 29

I'm doing this on my mobile, so have somehow posted a photo twice

Wyllow3 GD1's mum had a week abroad with her other 2 girls last year, left GD1 to look after the cat that gave birth shortly after they went, with no cat food or litter (I bought all that). She (the mother) has got the mum cat and 1 kitten (not speyed or microchipped), and gave the other 2 to her mate. Hope you have a very nice time with your family. It'll do you good to get away, and yet you'll still be able to spend time alone when you need to.

My friend got me a voucher for a manicure, for my birthday on Friday, so I went earlier

SweetpeaSue Glad you're enjoying relaxing break. The weather's beautiful.

Just a quick post.
So glad your eye appt had good news Wyllow.
EllieAnne Thinking about you and your situation.

Sat on some decking at present and lovely quiet and sunny day with sound of birdsong. Everything going really well.
Reading your posts though not always having time to answer.
We go home tomorrow.
Love to all. Xxx

Good to see you in, Allsorts. I guess we all have our ways of coping and some want to talk and others dont.

Oh dear, re the mens trainers, HVDY.
No, I cannot imagine not wanting to take your children on holiday with you. "time for yourself" is one thing, but....I'm glad that D1 is now getting some insight "it's not always like this for children", with support, hopefully sh will get through. Does she still have the cat/kitten (s)?

Enjoy your friend.

I didn't sleep well at all, tho not a big down, accumulation of stressors I guess - and tbh I was also terribly concerned overnight on the political Trump front and glad to wake up to what has happened. (this is unusual for me, but so was the situation)

Huge dark circles under eyes, so I will take it easy today. Believe it or not the pebbledash man has to come back as they had inadvertently more or less blocked a drain, but I will hide or go out!

Hoping Sweetpeasue can enjoy the sun - me, I'm concentrating on getting ready and resting up for driving north on Friday to family.

Wyllow3 Strange that your post wasn't there when I posted, but I'm very pleased that your eye trouble is benign and that the consultant took the time to explain things. I hope you slept well last night, after being reassured. GD1's mum had a lovely few days away in Filey, but didn't take any of her 3 girls (2 are Son1's). That's the type of "mother" she is. DH and I, and our side of the family, are very different, and GD1 realises that (she only sees her mum's parents a few times a year although they live not far from me), hasn't seen aunts and cousins for years.

Doodle Glad you had a nice afternoon with some friends. I bet the view is great, looking over the river.

Nadateturbe How are you?
SweetpeaSue Hope you're having a relaxing time.

I collected a Vinted purchase last night, from a parcel locker. It should have been a pink cardigan, but turned out to be a pair of men's trainers! Some poor man will be shoeless. Contacted Vinted to tell them. Meeting a friend later this morning. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day. x

I do read all your posts and do not have any solutions, when I get really down I just feel alone in it.
Ellie please do something about being in such a unhappy place. You would be better on your own because nothing will change unless the situation does. In 10 years it will be as it is now and you will less able to deal with it.

HVDY thank you for your concern, answered above.
I’m glad to get news of GD1. I think you are the good mother figure, it’s a blessing that she has contact with the extended family, and is able to see for example how mum and dad are with LG. She’s quite young to be able to analyse her situation and compare with others as of now, and young teenagers often act difficult situations out as rebelling.
But days out like today with both of them are working their secret magic x

I didn’t know her, Doodle. But such love on the thread, she was clearly very, very special and brought comfort to many.
I’m glad you had a pleasant afternoon - did you provide cake? ☺️. I hope the sun comes into your flat to enjoy.

Evening all.
So very sad to hear today that the lovely Soop of Soops kitchen has died. Such a lovely kind and beautiful soul. I feel so sad for her husband and family.
Wyllow so pleased the consultant was able to relieve some of your anxiety. Our eyesight is so precious.
I hope you get your meeting with Mr A and witnesses. Such a hard time for you with so little support from the Quakers. I hope they have taken on board the stress all this has caused you.
Ellie Anne do you think your Dh is as uncomfortable with the situation as you are or does he live in his own world.
Scaredycat pleased you got to see your midlands family. Sounds like a lovely day. I can just see your two fluffy ones sunbathing in your conservatory,
Sweetpeasue hope you’re having a good time with your family.
HVDY hope you’ve had a good day with two of your DGDs .Nice to have them together.
I’ve had three friends round today. Very pleasant afternoon

Wyllow3 Firstly, how did your eye appointment go? Alright, I hope. GD1 is fine at home, good with us and any other family members (on paternal side), but very easily led by the wrong types at school. She also desperately needs a good mother figure - her own mum is horrible and selfish, and Son1's partner hasn't really taken on the role much as Stepmum - she's got 1 boy, but isn't hugely maternal, somehow.

Doodle How is your DIL now? What did they eat that caused food poisoning? Or was it a bug?

ScaredyCat I hope your sister makes a good recovery, and if she's already walking about with a frame, it sounds hopeful. Your poor friend has been through the mill. I hope she won't get any unpleasant side-effects from the treatment she's got to have. You had a nice time with family, by the sound of it. So important. Aww, your boys are loving the sunshine. Jaffa sat outside for most of the day, too - part of the garden is sectioned off for him.

EllieAnne It takes my husband years(no exaggeration) to get around to doing jobs, so I know what you mean about that. He also isn't good at discussing things. I'm glad you've been out - how lovely to be close to a beach. When do your activities start up again?

Busy day - GD1 and LG were here all day, so we went to a park that has a huge sandpit (LG loves it there), then a pub for lunch, and a local park to feed the waterfowl, before coming back to do crayoning and jigsaws. DH out with Son1 this evening. Hope everyone is ok x

It does comfort me that we are here together on BD, Scardeycat.
It is a very supportive space. And I am interested and care what happens to people who post on here (as well as in some other GN places, but probably know people best here). Living alone of course the internet is a great blessing.
I like the sound of your day, with a gardening morning and a lazy sunny afternoon. I so hope your friend is not affected by the next bout of treatment too much - will she get to see her DH? Oh yes, the furry ones are having the time of their lives sunning themselves sleepily, with hotel service laid on.

After an incredibly anxious day - week, weekend really - the 30+ mins I got with the consultant were very rewarding. He was so utterly through and I could trust him and gave me the all clear: said go ahead and wait for NHS appointment, they will take photos, then in a years time symptoms can be checked up on but currently def benign. Maybe I will feel more relaxed about MrA: however I still think seeing him - with witnesses - before before he comes to a meeting or asap will help me get things off my chest.

I hope Sweetpeasue got off all right and can relax a bit in the sun as tomorrow is supposed to be the “Best day of the year” so far.

Ellie Anne I feel angry on your behalf that your DH won’t engage with you and has blocked attempts to discuss your mutual situation. I feel the long shadows of your past hang heavily on you because you know these days, that many women would leave their husbands to make the most of the time we have left on this earth.

And the divorce laws now mean you do not have to prove a thing - you can divorce him, and assets have to be divided equitably. I know you want to help your family so much, and don’t be put off by my post please - I just want you to have a life and this last part of your life… I dont want you to sacrifice it to this man. (Hugs) but would back you whatever you decide x

As Scaredycat said as ever “Love to all Nadateturbe, Candy, Allsorts, and all others who pass this way”

I’ve tried sharing things in the past and been ignored or had an angry response. You may remember the golden wedding conversation last year. However I did get a new doorbell this week but I think that was because ds2 commented on Saturday that we hadn’t got one yet. I’ve been asking for about a year. I’ve been for a walkonthe beach today and done work in the garden. Missing my usual activities.

Hi all
HVDY- thank you .yes my Sister makes so much effort to do as much as she can. It’s a b….r that she’s had this accident- just hope it heals up well.
Clumber Park looks so lovely- a photographers dream. Something there for people of all ages.
Wow you worked hard yesterday- in the afternoon I visited my friend - she looked brighter so hope now the chemo is finished she,ll feel stronger. Although 18 months of immunotherapy won’t be a walk in the park
Hope you’re having a good day with LG and GD1.
EllieAnne- so sorry you have had such a trying time. Hopefully this lovely weather has reached you nd you can get out for walks and feel some peace.
Would it be possible to sit down with DH and share your feelings and the problems that wear you down- you have nothing to lose.
Wyllow- thinking of you today. Not easy to concentrate on anything until you,ve had your eye appointment I guess.
I hope it helped you to be able to offload some of your story.
Please don’t let that grubby little man spoil all that you have achieved and worked for.
Now is the chance to forge closeness and comfort with your lovely family. You have missed much but you have much more to share with them.
It made me feel sad that you feel so alone- I hope it is of some comfort to you that we all care so much about you and if ever you need to just chat we are here- ready to listen or PM.
Hope this evenings appointment puts your mind at rest.
Doodle-Ah what a shame you missed your family meal- poor son and his wife . I hope they feel better now.
Glad you were able to have afternoon tea with your friends. I think afternoon tea is my favourite meal out.
Yes we went to DD yesterday morning as DGD2 and DH and GGS 2 were there . So good to see them as they live in the Midlands. DGD is a nurse and DH is a MH nurse. GGS is 9 and a dear little soul. My DGD has several health problems but never moans- but laughs a lot!
Church for,you again tomorrow- hope your flowers are still looking lovely.
SweetPeaSue- sounds like the Easter lunch went better than you feared. Children are so full of life you can’t help but go along for the ride.
Such kind words for Wyllow- you have good insight into her situation.
I hope the sun is shining up on the Moors and the change of scene lifts your spirits, The children will have lots,of space to play and use up some energy. Hope too your DH manages to
Relax and has a comfortable 3 days.

It’s a lazy afternoon for us as we did some gardening this morning and DH cut the grass. It’s a postage stamp lawn but that’s enough!! The furry boys are loving the sun in the conservatory and are fast asleep - what a life.

Love to all Nadateturbe, Candy, Allsorts, and all others who pass this way

Spot on about the anger and the difficulty leaving it behind, Sweetpeasue. I’m so hoping you go off tomorrow, and enjoy the break enough, its a bold but important move to try it x

As you hint, one trauma bleeds into another: it’s possible that the MrA business triggered unresolved feelings about ex. But your situation is worse in a way, you wont get justice for the trouble the doctor caused:

although its pre-occupying me re MrA, its aint over till the fat lady sings:

Yes I have to see him (I have today asked Safeguarding for a meeting with them and MrA and me tory and have my say - not confront him in the com[lex situation of a religious Meeting. If I could leave it behind without this, I would, but for whatever reason, I cannot yet

Doodle so am trying to find ways of processing it and leaving it, and I think I could if I didn’t have to see him in my worship space and actually worship alongside him - and also, Safeguarding wont let him come back properly if I absolutely genuinely am not coping so…

Yes, all of us in Black Dogs have had or are having trama of one kind or another: we aren’t the kind of people who can just “leave it behind” as some can do: have to work within who we are not who we might in our imagination like to be.

Today I kept busy - almost certainly because of the consultant eye appointment tomorrowplanted some violas out, did quite a tough session at the gym, wrote some emails to Safeguarding who are only going to have a key Area meeting on Safeguarding when I am away next Sunday!!! Clearly I would have like to have been there, if they are policy making.

Probably would have been terribly difficult but….the email they sent out announcing it, didnt say why ie…. it was to discuss Adult Safeguarding - and because of the incident. I ave put them on the spot by asking them to promise to raise what happened (no names or timing of course) and that “the victim was not believed” “one quaker actually wrote to her” etc. Well, I can only ask.

Thank you for sharing your story, HVDY as well as earlier significant ones.
And yes, you are right, this is my goal: family: I hope I’ll be around more as they continue to grow.
I’m sad I missed so much time on the growing up stage - with the youngest I was so close to him aged 4, then the depression happened, and of course he was then 6 going on 7…just have to accept it.

You had a busy day art home, well done on all that washing and hoovering, and tomorrow will be a lovely day weather wise with LG.
How is GD1 getting on now? If I recall, there was a tough patch?

Doodle I’m sorry you missed the Easter family time - poor DS and DiL - horrible to have on a holiday weekend. Was it something they had to eat?
I’m glad you had some company this afternoon, sending warm thoughts for those times that are hardest.

Sweetpeasue hope you have a good time and your Dh can relax a bit.
HVDY glad you had a good time at the park. Sounds like everyone had fun.
Scaredycat hope you’ve had a good day. Did you see family again. I had afternoon tea with two friends. Very nice. DS1 is better but his wife is still poorly.
Wyllow you are obviously very self aware and should be applauded for the effort you put into trying to keep yourself on the straight and narrow. Very difficult where MH is concerned. I hope you can get past this Mr A thing and do some things that are good and helpful to you. I know you want him to accept responsibility for the harm he has caused you but I think he’s too selfish and self-centred to be able to do that. Don’t let that fact cause you any more harm. Try and forge ahead with plans for yourself. You have come on so well from where you were. We’re all rooting for you xx

Wyllow3 You have been through some very tough times - and got through them. Anger is a very destructive emotion, and sometimes a pointless one, as it doesn't change things. I was very angry that the hospital gave me the wrong drug when I was in a coma - sending my BP to 350 top figure! (they told me afterwards about it, and there was an inquiry (they did that, not at my request or anything). I firmly believe that's what caused my stroke, but obviously, nobody would admit that. It took quite a long time for me to stop thinking about it, but I had to. It's not too late for you to find a new partner, if that's what you want. You lost a lot of time with your son and his family. Those people are precious, and I expect they would like to see you more often. That could be your goal.

SwetpeaSue Hope you and your husband manage to have a nice time.

I didn't go out today - I changed both beds, had the washer on 3 times and got it all dry outside. Hoovered the whole house. LG and GD1 tomorrow. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Sorry, last line- too much.

Wyllow Im glad that it helped writing that. You've broken down those areas in your life and trying to put it all in some sort of context.
Sometimes there isnt anything we can do to get those yrs back and your mental illness has been so severe that youve done your best at the time and I know there are yrs lost in my own life where I'd like to have done better through difficult circumstances.
You had no choice but to leave your ex as he would have brought you further down and you helped him by getting him somewhere to live. You have done more than most.
There's still time to perhaps have a partner though you need to be in a better place mentally. Your anger over the Mr A episode will eat you up and take so much energy. I say this because I know myself how much bitterness Ive ft over consultants lies and gaslighted. I can still feel v angry that I cant contest their lack of care for my DH. I might have been able to do that if Id not had the previous experience of how impossible it is to stand up to the NHS wrongs.
Im glad you have the connection with your music - you need that calm.
Yes, my DIL works in MH services though she helps mainly Dementia patients and diagnosis.
The volunteering for that art group may still be on the cards for you when you feel ready. Im sure you'd meet more friends there too.
Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Love to all and hope everyone is ok . Tomorrow is meant to be a nice one weather-wise.
Just packed up and ready to leave. DH has already had to take spray. Crossed fingers this wont be touch for him.
Take care x

That did interrupt the flow for others, but I really needed to tell the story of my life for that large chunk of time -early 50's on.
It really matters I can alleviate the pattern to get the "best from the rest.

do speed read and feel free NOT to comment it helped me getting it out.

Your words were very good indeed, Sweetpeasue. The loneliness has been creeping up on me really. I cant let go of the anger either: last September, I was ready after getting back into things, including doing some volunteering for an art group that supports - ironically - women who have been assulted or abused:

I had to give that up, along with going up to the family at Christmas: even then, I hope that the Restorative Justice would give a resolution, but it hasn't really -

MrA is so concerned to protect his ego, he cannot feel remorse or accept the damage he did with that moments act, or perhaps even more, the inventions and lies that stood in the way of getting the support I needed from fellow Quakers.

I've been so ill on and off Mental Health wise basically since sliding down around 1997 and finally when everything went into the black hole in 2004, under the care of MH since 2002.

I'm fed up: I wanted to rebuild a life and I had thought maybe there would be one more chance at a partner: it's a very long time since 1997.

There was the period of happiness with Ex for 4 years but he was gradually putting me down more and more: we got through one major Manic episode of his, a mad crazy time but the one in 2021 it imploded: I've never known such a time in my whole life, police, abuse, money disappearing..pleas of suicidality so I pushed hard to get him housing then abuse the next moment through that year.

Its nice to recover some of the life before, by talking to first DH, much of which I had forgotten, because of being given ECT in 2004 (completely inappropriate for me: I needed therapy which of course I got starting in 2008)

- but probably half that time between 1997 and now has been spent in suicial depressive episodes. I was 50 in 2001 and now am 75, it's a big chunk of life, although not unsusal in MH.

And I missed a big chunk of DS's life - I hardly saw him for many years I was so withdrawn (and also protecting him, at 21 on, against how I was inside - I have seen mothers leaning on their children, especially when I was an inpatient, and even threatening them with suicide, or making them worry all the time)

I'm glad I never did that, but it has created "Gaps".

But yes, music is still "speaking" to me, classical music speaks to my soul when the soul is available, I'm very fortunate in that indeed.

I didnt know that DiL was a CPN for older people: (it depends if she is helping people with dementia or people with eternal MH, two separate departments)
Older Adults starts at 65 and I see people like your DiL. Resources are very, very short, unless you can afford to supplement it.

But...well, unless your aunt is deemed not to have capacity, its not just shortage of resources, she has the right to make decisions for herself.

Doodle I passed the Sally Army lovely Easter Sunday display outside their building, huge, happy, celebration, and thought of you in the church, which I expect looked lovely. (I plonk flowers in, too). I'm sorry you missed your family - tonight must have been difficult.

Scaredycat So sorry , I missed you out! Can't think how that happened.
Hope your lunch with DD and SIL was lovely. I didnt see the programme with the pope on with Easter message though I did see the service at Ripon Cathedral which was beautiful. Its not that far from us and it has such a friendly feel to it when you go inside. These buildings are amazing aren't they. Hope your dear sis continues to improve- she's such a fighter isnt she.x

ScaredyCat You had a nice tea at your GD's, made even better by having your daughter's chocolate cake! We have had fox cubs, many years ago - that mother fox, before she had the cubs, used to come into our kitchen and allow me to hand-feed her (the 3 cats we had then used to just sit and watch). All animals in the wild have tough lives, and I like to help if I can. Did you go out today? I'm glad your sister is getting on well. She sounds very determined to keep going as best as she can.

EllieAnne Your life seems so miserable. Is there no way at all you and your husband could get on, even briefly? Have you got the car and tv sorted out? How's the weather been there?

Wyllow3 Loneliness must be terrible, especially when the media etc., portrays Easter etc., as happy, family times. You have made friends at the gym, Costa, and Quakers, so I hope you'll see or speak with someone tomorrow or Tuesday. The weather is supposed to get warm from tomorrow, so perhaps you'll go out to the park? For a bike ride? The fear about your eye being something to worry about is natural, but I'll bet it'll turn out to be something that can be treated easily. I hope you sleep ok tonight - tomorrow is a new day. Not long until you visit your family.

Doodle What rotten luck for your son and his wife being unwell. Glad you had a nice time at church.

SweetpeaSue Enjoy your break away, as much as you can. The change will do you both good.

A nice day at Clumber Park with the family - apart from a brief hailstones shower, it was dry, although very windy. LG went on a roundabout but then kept shouting "Get off" as it went round . The other GC all went on the Dodgems. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Oh dear Doodle Your son and DIL must be feeling terrible. Hope they feel better tomorrow when it gets out of their system. So glad youve had such nice services at church.
The empty place at the table this afternoon sort of stayed for a while before dinner was served, then I sort of sided over into it , then wished I hadn't but would look more obvious if I changed so stayed there. You're right about children- little SGD was quite chippy and we laughed at her jokes. DGS was cuddly too.
I can't say I feel ready or energetic enough for any holiday though but it might be good for son and his wife. We'll play it by ear. Hope you have a peaceful night.
HVDY Think Doodle might be right about a fox hotel if any cubs show up! How lovely though if they do. I wonder how long they are pregnant for - must look it up.
Oh naughty Jaffa- you must feel so tired.
Aunt is having 3 carers a day thanks and someone from age UK to come and chat with her weekly. My DIL asked today about how SS's assessment went. She was offered sheltered housing but didnt want that. D IL is MH nurse for older people and she says its often the case that care homes aren't offered until things are very desperate these days. Im sure you will know lots about the situation yourself. Happy Easter.x

Wyllow You're stronger than you think and have a great ability to form relationships with others. You have made friends at Quakers ( perhaps newish ones ) and the Gym , you have a good Costa with chats. I know none of this means a lot when you're so low though and of course the holiday when lots of people with family accentuates loneliness for many who are just spending it quietly .
The Mr A thing has been a dreadful blow but I believe you can rise above it somehow. Just know you are not alone , though you might feel it. Your sis would welcome a call if you need to talk, Im sure.
Sorry, Im not sure what to say. Without seeming to be dismissive of your fears, I honestly think the odds on it being serious with your eye are v low though , of course, its easy to say when its not myself. I know I was positive the lump on my tongue was def cancer and even when it was removed and I had to go back for the result , when I walked into the room and consultant said it was benign, I actually thought I hadn't heard correctly- he had to repeat himself, I was so shocked.
All you can do is keep telling yourself it will be OK.
To feel lonely , as you know, one can be amongst family and still feel that loneliness. I think its a space within that feels a fear of aloneness in whatever form.

Its a shame your usual MH people aren't there to talk today. Might they be there tomorrow? Stick with the positive thoughts and maybe listen to your fav music.
We are here.
I understand but haven't the right words.
Your garden will be lovely this summer with your new plants. Your son will be so pleased you are going to visit, though just think of today and tomorrow right now. Tomorrow might feel so much better. .hugs.x

EllieAnne Oh Im so sorry youve had such a bad week with so much that needed attending to. It doesnt seem fair its always on your shoulders. Never put upurself down as you are a very capable lady and you deal with so many things. Only natural you are fed up of that.
Car problems are a real pain aren't they.
Sometimes we just cant take any more. Yet hang on in there.
Hope you can have a nice calming drink and theres something to watch on TV tonight. Just get through tonight.
I hope the Spring might help and you can get some better weather for your special walks. You can speak to God on those and may find some peace. I truly hope so. Loneliness is a terrible thing. Hugs for you too.x

Ellie Anne I can understand you’re not being moved but the church services. You don’t have much joy in your life and it’s hard to see where joy can come from in your relationship. You sound flat and disillusioned with life. The only thing I can think of is anti depressants but I know you’re not keen.
Wyllow of course you’re worried about your appointment. hope all is well and Tuesday will put your mind at rest. Hope you can regain faith in your Quaker group and start to feel more comfortable there,
Church was lovely today. I’m losing track of what day of the week it is having been at church every day since Wednesday. Good service to day and nice chat after.
Sadly no lunch today. DS1 and his wife are both sick possible food poisoning so reluctantly had to cancel. I spent a peaceful afternoon drawing,
Scaredycat I too am a “plonker” when it comes to flower arranging. The church did look nice though. We had loads of flowers and a decorated cross which was beautiful.
Glad your sis is doing ok. Sounds like you had a lovely time with your DGd and her family.
HVDY no, no lamb or any kind of roast I’m afraid. Too ill to cook. Of course I understand. Sorry not to be seeing family but you can’t help these things. If you have fox cubs soon you’ll be running a fox hotel. They must trust you coming back for food all the time.
Sweetoeasue I do hope you go with the family tomorrow and have a good time. Try to relax and enjoy the company of your DGs and SGD. you need a break