Black Dogs 29

sorry that last sentence to HVDY was meant to end with ' including eating all the nice things youve denied yourself so long'
The book we've finished was a Julian Barnes one and our next choice
will be The Diary of a Provincial Lady.

Oh HVDY thats sad news indeed- a whole squirrel family. I expect the people must have been alarmed at having the unexpected guests.
Glad you felt better later. Your nail colour sounds pretty.
I really hope that my DH isnt having the 'new normal' and that more can be done- even if its another stent. He was told if the first spray didnt help after 5mins to use spray again and if no improvement after 5mins to call 999 straight away. I think that other bad day was v near that.
You'll be looking forward to that holiday. Oh yes, you must enjoy everything while there.

EllieAnne Not all families are the 'huggy' type. My DH's wasnt. However you express your love ,whether tactile or not, as long as people show their love in other ways it shouldn't matter. Im a bit wary of people being too huggy at times ,especially mere acquaintances. As HVDY said you could tell your children you sometimes would like to hear that you are loved , I dont think anyone could be miffed at that. No reason why uou should be the one in the family that holds it all together but not be thanked or just acknowledged at least.
I hope today hasn't been too bad for you.
Scaredycat Crossed posts there. I hope the results not opened yet are OK. Or at least no cause for alarm.
Glad your friend is looking better after the chemo. What a lovely thing to do for their wedding anniversary , scattering petals and by making their day special for them.
Thankyou , Im not coming down with anything its the Fibromyalgia. The aches turn into sharp pain on moving any part of my body but sometimes gets better after moving- I sometimes dont want to push myself through the pain but though. There are worse off so I just have to put up.
You do write nice posts and are so thoughtful. Glad you got out with your DGD - shes 40 ! Still cant believe you are old enough.

SweetpeaSue What are you reading at book club? Hope the new medication will help your husband. It must be very disappointing for you both that he often needs to use the spray, but if it helps, this may be his "new normal". The young man who chatted with you must have felt you looked approachable. He sounds like a caring young man with strong family ethics.

Wyllow3 QuakerR might feel a certain amount of loyalty towards MrA after being friends with him for so long. He'll see him in a different light now. Hope you got to the gym alright and worked off some stress.

ScaredyCat How lovely to be able to meet up with your GD like that. Aww, the care home made an effort to do something to mark your friend's wedding anniversary. Hope your results turn out to be ok. Fingers crossed for that. What is the subject of your photography?

Felt better by early afternoon, so did the ironing, then went for a full pedicure and had toenails & fingernails painted a very pale pink (they called it Pearl). Sad news about the squirrels across the road (2 adults and 4 babies) - the householder heard scratching noises in the loft and got the pest control people in, so the little family is no more . Hope everyone has a relaxing evening x

Doodle Your grief and yearning for your DH sounds so very wearying and hard each day. To hear the second year of loss is even worse and the 3rd yr no better must be difficult to hear from others though in another way you know its not unusual and that you are not alone in going through this. You have been doing everything possible to continue with your life by filling your days but its so terrible that you cant have the life you had. I know hugs are often bandied around here but sending one for you now.
DH didnt have as bad a day yesterday as that really bad one I mentioned. We've been waiting for the new heart med that cardiac nurse was told to prescribe by consultant.DH got letter on phone for it last Friday, duplicated it and gave it to surgery. Today it was finally sent to pharmacy so started on that but Im nit happy ,really, about just upping meds when hes obvs not as well as hes expected to be after the stent procedure.
Ill see how this goes but if he gets the bad pain and needs the spray twice like the other day well need to push again.
Scardycat How are you ? Hope the results of the echo are reassuring. Not sure if you said it might be tomorrow you get them.
HVDY Oh dear ,it sounds as if youve caught another virus- I hope not and youve felt better as the day has gone on. You must be exhausted.
Wyllow It must be really hard for Quaker R when hes known Mr A for so long. I think he'll need to work things out for himself now. Glad you feel the Zoom meeting went well yesterday.
Hope you have a good gym session .
The book group has changed - many have left and only a handful of us now with 2 new ones. It feels easier somehow to discuss things. Went well today.

Strange thing happened yesterday. At Costa a young lad ( about 18) joined our table as nowhere else for him to sit. He sat for quite a while on his mobile and I felt very aware he kept looking over , then he put his phone away and said Well you guys , what will you be doing today? It wasnt in an intrusive way. He was so very polite and wise beyond his age , with the most soulful brown eyes ( couldn't help notice) . We told him of visiting my aunt with Alzheimers and it turned out he was helping to convert his parents barn for his DGM who also had Alzheimers and of how she was forgetting who he was at times. Talked for quite a while and it made such an impression on us both.

Hope everyone has had a reasonable day and love to all. Thinking also of Nadateturbe x

Hi all
HVDY- yesterday was a busy one. In the morning I met up withGD1 for coffee and a chat. Can’t believe she is 40 next month. She and her family live close so it’s easy meet up when she’s not working. In the afternoon I went to see my friend . She is looking much brighter since finishing the chemo . Sunday it her Wedding Anniversary and she went to have lunch with her DH at the care home. They had made it lovely for them with a little table pushed against his bed and scattered rose petals!!
Your day with LG sounded fun as always.
Sorry you had that awful night- see after yourself so you’re fit and well for the hols.
ElllieAnne- of course your friends and family want you- you are kind,sensitive and supportive but your unhappiness doesn’t let you see it. You deserve much kindness - and hugs. Do you hug your GC ? You could start there. We are very huggy family - not The Waltons by any means but we do love a hug. So I,m sending you a big onex
SweetPeaSue- I expect it was very emotional to see your Aunt in hospital. She must be confused by it all.
I hope you,re not coming down with anything and the achy feeling has passed.
It’s sad how you feel the lack of enthusiasm for life. But life keeps knocking you down and it’s harder to get up each time- the peacemaker also needs peace.
Hope you enjoyed the reading group.
Doodle- the results have been sent to the surgery and I have a copy here- haven’t opened it yet. Phone Appt on the 19th!
Combining exercise with a bit of a diet is the way to go.. it’s not easy though especially when it’s good for you to socialise and eat with your friends. Enjoy all the social activities you can - the weight can wait!
Maybe just a daily walk would be good if you can fit it in.
PurplePixie- you must be looking forward to meeting your friend. Do the boys see each other often?
I totally agree with the decision to not take any more mental or verbal abuse from your DH. It wears away what little confidence you have and is so cruel. Your Mam would be right behind you.
Wyllow- wise advice for PurplePixie.
I,m ok thanks - results in and phone consultation booked. I haven’t read my copy yet .
Been out and about a lot. Today was taking photos for photography with DH and WI tonight.
You have such a strong will regards weight and exercise - something to be proud of. As long as you have a little bit of what you fancy .
That elderly lady has MrA sussed.The more we hear about him the more unpleasant he becomes. He certainly needs a reality check. Now that E Mail has been sent off perhaps you can now allow yourself to relax both in mind and body.
Hope the Gym worked its magic.
Nadateturbe - hope you’re ok

Love to all and a peaceful night

As you can tell by my spelling errors.

I hope you get something out of it, Sweetpeasue. Time was you didn't want to go x you have made baby steps progress.

Well there are good and bad times to try to lose weight as we all know, but I just can say one feels better, despite all .....being proud to try.

I hope by now you've got a bit of sleep, PurplePixie. considering these matters in the present is bound to bring the past back x.

Life is a constant learning process - whether we like it or not and the strong thing on this thread is to just support each other.

The courage to remain curious or hopeful in the face of despair is hard.

it sound like you really need this day out, HVDY.

Had to update nice Quaker R on matters this morning. It's not easy for him now. He has to choose for example whether to try and engage with MrA - his friend of 20 years - or not - well he said son, I didn't naysay or otherwise, Its not in my hands. enough has been. OTPH new Friend/friend P, elderly and such family responsibilities is something I choose to be concerned about. When she is well enough we'll go for a Costa together.

I am exhausted after 9 hours sleep and no despair as I woke, which is a big step, yesterdays Zoom to HQ has helped. The HQ lady emailed me a suitable version of what I had written to her for emailing to our own Safeguarding. its gone off, and now I want to try and get to the gym for some R and R and a bit of stretching but being realistic. Get dizzy/dozy patches all the time.

duh.

Purplepixie What a terrible first relationship. Im sure what happened will stay with you all the time and must have knocked your confidence and self esteem tremendously. Wyllow has some experience of abusive relationships and Im glad she can help.
My mum was a strong person too , certainly the disciplinarian of my parents. I take after my dad( v easy going, peacemaker) Makes me wonder if its easier for one to be manipulated.
Lots of women married younger then, I married first at 18 too. It wasnt an easy time for women of our age in those days ,though most likely better than previous generations. I hope you enjoy your time with your friend on Thursday , it will be good to meet up again and for you to have a chat.
Wyllow Mr A's real nature is coming out bit by bit. It seems like his assault on you is opening up the false persona he has kept up. So good you're going to have a zoom with the safeguarding people - I hope it produces something helpful to you.
We share the same difficulties with mornings . I dont seem to have any enthusiasm for life . My eating sweet things has been aife time temptation, even as a child, but I had counselling g for eating disorders (bulimia/anorexia) in my eay twenties. I manage, mostly, to keep all that at bay but seem to have given up quite a bit on my weight these days. Looking the other way when I cant face myself.
Hope you have a better day today.

Back later ,am going to reading group soon so better get ready.

Wyllow3 Very wise words there to EllieAnne, particularly about loving oneself first. You've been learning more about Mr A's selfish and manipulative behaviour. What a piece of work he is.

PurplePixie Stand up for yourself against your husband when he tries to bully you. You had a horrible time with your first husband. Those things will affect a person for life, but you don't need to stand for any nonsense now.

Had a horrible night - sore throat, headache, and I woke about every hour and a half. Not doing much today. Hope everyone has a decent day x

EllieAnne It was kind of you to take some of your baking to a friend. I think your children would be lost without you, as you help them out quite a lot. They probably don't realise how you feel. Our adult children have such busy lives that they forget about Mum and Dad. Could you tell them you'd like to see them more often, or even ring more frequently?

Doodle If you haven't lost anything in 6 weeks, then yes, you're eating/drinking too much. It helps to count calories. About 900-1000 would get some weight off. You wouldn't even need to do any exercise for that. You have some nice days out. All the flowers are blooming now, and they're lovely to see. Enjoy your day today.

Thank you for telling me that Wyllow3.

I listen to the chat with my knitting group and their lives sound ideal but we all know that other things can go on behind closed doors.

I was young and very naive when I married at 18. We had two children. He was a wife beater and a coercive control freak. I stayed for far too long because I had nowhere to go. Managed to eventually get away. My head will never eradicate the things that he did.
No sleep last night so I’m heading back to bed for a couple of hours.

You don't know my past, Purplepixie: when I talk about "Ex", it is my second husband, who concealed when I met him his history of bi polar disorder, and told me has been abused in a a former relationship with a woman in the 1990's: he concealed a pattern of riding high and failing, due to illness of course at which point he would go back to mum.

Slowly he became more and more emotionally abuse in subtle ways, put downs, telling me I was weird, much much more: he put on an extreme amount of weight, he must have been secretly eating, and accused me of Being the Food Police, put downs in our intimate life and so on (although I was pretty confident it wasn't me on that front) - I got very dependant but in the end he really lost it, it became so extreme I asked him to go, and then a year from hell as I extricated myself. He had no resources btw not having managed a lasting career

So I do know what its like to stick up for myself: which is why I recommend strongly nipping anything in the bud, for you have to self preserve:

but there is a chance, unless he is M ill in some way, that he will stop the sarcasm in the face of your just standing your ground: time will tell, but you need to try.

Well now: that was a prophetic dream, right on time! 🫶

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I’m meeting an old friend on Thursday for a coffee and catch up. Her youngest son and my youngest son are half brothers. We’ve been friends since 1991.

I’m determined not to take anymore rubbish from DH. When I feel mentally bullied then he will be told. I’ve had enough.

I dreamt of my mam last night. She was a strong northern woman and a nurse as well. Miss her a lot. I sometimes can hear her voice telling me to not take anymore rubbish from DH.

I think you are doing right calling him out for sarcasm, Purplepixie, for short of leaving him, it means you are working on making your situation as good as possible. As is doing your crafts. And groups.And good for you on the weight side.
It’s OK to be fed up here.

How are you, Scaredycat ? Any results yet? Have you been able to get out at all?

Ah! Little Girl, HVDY. A blessing in your life. She will know and love her gran! Calling nadateturbe too. But no pressure, n.

Its has been very, very chilly, Ellie Anne. Ah! You are loved. You are, here, we hear you.

But to feel loved, the hardest thing of all - we need to love ourselves, well enough, to really take in the love of others. And that is hard, with your background, as you have alluded to in the past: like anyone else who has not experienced enough love, particularly very early in life. And it’s a long journey to that point. Can you consider, as Sweetpeasue suggested, now there are such a range, anti-depressants again? Because if we are fortunate, it lifts one out enough to perceive the world that bit better.

But no no one here is going to criticise you if you decide not for me.

But as regards adult children and wanting to know you are loved, well..it’s rare in my experience that the love gets expressed so directly unless you belong to the kind of family that do make that love known. It only happens in some families. Your DD cannot respond at the moment to direct prompts like that, but trust me, it doesnt mean she doesnt love you. I loved my mum when I could not express it .

I wasnt really able to show my love for my mum as I was too depressed: I always kept up thank yous and news connections as well as I could. It has taken a long time for my son to understand and accept me as I am, MH gaps and all. I make sure they know in the right kind of way that they are loved but I can now recognise signs of it even if not expressed directly from them. A long learning process, as not one in my birth family well done.

Sweetpeasue; yes, mornings: takes so long to get going, doesn’t it. Mentally as well as physically. I don’t know what to suggest about that longing for something sweet - energy boost, something to fill the hole - Ive never been a great one for it, and its needful I have very little, for just the tablets `I take make me put weight on substantially if I don’t watch my food like a hawk: I guess I have trained myself to eat well, and do not anymore long for fried or sweet foods much, but I do vape. I am so glad, despite your fatigue, you are managing to support Aunt as well as you possibly can. My hope it that by having the hospital SSD assessment, she does end up in a home. It is needful x

Windsor seems like a place you really enjoy, Doodle. I’m miles away, of course. I wish you a super sun day for the open gardens: it has been chilly, hasn’t it?

I’ve just come from a Quaker Zoom, half an hour many evenings sometimes mornings, peaceful, loving: open to all. Maybe 25 people max? From the US and ‘Europe too. As I go more and more I get to know the people more, the regulars.

I got a lot of help from the HQ quaker. It had taken all yesterday’s energy except the gym to write a briefing, and it has taken all todays energy - I didnt go out and needed a long sleep - to cope with the Zoom.
She believed every word I said. I was thoughtful and tender towards those that had hurt me so it wants a moan, but clear just how bad it had affected me physically and mentally, and she also accepted that its not because I have MH problems, but that any women sexually assaulted may react in all kinds of ways trauma wise.

End result - she is going to arrange a Zoom with me, her, and the safeguarding people. And the priority is my well being as a victim. And knows just how ill it made me.

I’d forgotten I was to call at an elderly Friends home, I hadnt written it down. But as well as her very considerable difficulties with a MH ill husband of 90 and MH ill daughter of 50, which she is prepared to share with me as she knows I understand, it was a little more perception of MrA.
She initially told me she had kept him busy chatting at the MfW he had attended.

Oh, more to it than that. He asked her was she new to Quakers No, she is not, so he then launched Ito a long sharing of how lonely he was and how hard life had been. He spent not one moment asking her about herself, giving any support back. She has got his number - but it shows how he expects that of women, dumping material: only with some of course: when he had fancied me it was all cheery chappie: but it shows how he managed to convince just someone others I was some kind of nasty thoughtless person:

He needs to do counselling not just to accept his part in making me ill on top of the assult by causing some others to gaslight me

But for himself, if he is to stop his behaviour. But not up to me.

Sweet pea sue we were never a huggy family and didn’t talk about feelings.
I think we were both brought up like that.
My dd was very difficult talk to last time I phoned.
I told her I loved her and prayed for her and got no response.

Sorry- Ill post to all tomorrow.
So very tired. Visited aunt in hospital today and feeling quite achy.
Love to all . Wishing a peaceful night.x

EllieAnne Youve had quite a busy morning at church and then taking baking to your friend. Doing things can certainly distract us but the underlying feeling of not being loved is so awful .
I really think its a vital thing that we need to know our children love us . They often have such busy lives that they can forget to say so . Im sure they do love you and I think you might be surprised at how much they need you -- I totally agree though-- it would be so good for them to tell you so . You so need that confirmation- we all do.
Is it possible to open up and tell them that its nice to hear them say so or that you need a hug from them.
I hate to think of you as so unhappy - you do deserve happiness you know.
Anyway , have a hug from me right now. Xx

Scaredycat do you have an appointment to discuss the results or are you just waiting to hear from someone. I always think the waiting is stressful. Hope you had a good weekend.
Ellie Anne I was doing coffee at church this weekend too.
I’m sure your children and grandchildren do want you but I can understand how lonely you feel. The relationship with your DH doesn’t help. We all care but I know that’s not the same as having someone close to you. I liked Paul O Grady too. He was lovely.
HVDY you’ve done so well with your diet. I’ve been trying hard for about six weeks now and not lost anything. I’m obviously still eating too much although I think the main problem is lack of exercise.
Purplepixie sounds like you and Ellie Anne have a lot in common. Shame you’re not closer together and you could meet up for coffee. Sorry you are in the same situation of living with someone you don’t care for. Must be very difficult
Wyllow hope you get a supportive reply from the big cheese 🧀. Good you’re still doing the gym. I’m sure it helps.
Sweetpeasue how has your Dh been today? Hope he’s not had more pain. Have you tried to get in touch with the GP?
I’ve been to Windsor with friends. A busy and long day. Looking forward to church tomorrow then going to visit an open garden

Purplepixie Glad your weekend was not as bad as you feared.
100 blankets knitted for Battersea Dogs Home-thats an amazing achievement!
Paul o Grady was a lovely man wasnt he.
I know how it feels to be overweight and really, really want to change that. I keep telling myself every morning will be the start of less calories. Sometimes I eat when not hungry but have a sweet tooth.
So many things can contribute to that really fed up feeling and if ignored for too long can plunge you into deep depression before you realise.
Everyone here has been clinically depressed or is depressed about various things in their lives. If it gets too bad would you consider anti- depressants - they didnt make me feel like I was on top of the world, but they did lift me up so I could think more clearly and enabled me to think more clearly.
It makes such a difference if we can see our families .You must be looking forward to seeing your son on Friday, have a nice time.

Im the same with mornings though - my DH too. It takes an effort to face the day sometimes. At least here on this thread we can be honest- it sometimes helps to share.
Thank goodness for your knitting group. Im hopeless at art but find knitting can distract.
Take care of yourself.

It’s been ok. Helped at church this morning serving drinks and doing dishes.went for Covid jag then took some left over baking to my friend.
Did a bit in the garden but the wind was quite cold.
I’m not sleeping well. It’s all going round in my head that nobody wants me . I think all I really want is a bit of kindness from my children.

ScaredyCat Your post wasn't there when I posted mine. Thanks for that, but I could have lost more weight than this (I'm looking forward to the buffet-style food, particularly fish and all the desserts!) I'll get back on the diet fully when we get back. How was your day today?

Nadateturbe Not heard from you lately - how are you?

EllieAnne She's too loud and excitable. Paul O'Grady was funny but had a real love of animals. I was sad when he died. How's your day been?

Hvdy I’m with you on Alison Hammond. I don’t watch anything she is in. Paul o Grady was lovely.