Black Dogs 29

Ellie Anne I googled if there were any cancer charities that you can phone with fears not a diagnosis and it looked positive, if thats an option you want to take.

I'm so on edge for tomorrow I cant relax and so tired. It was a nice break that my cleaner came and we got things for son coming tomorrow sorted. My Zoom is at 5.30 and son not till after the conference meal.

I wasnt able to work out a lot with Psychologist but it was supportive.

My ideal of MrA actually taking any real responsibility very small.

I dont want to see him again and its my right not to have it imposed on me but him continuing to come only once a month a compromise.

If any one (dares to) say oh share the month out then they are not recognising the reality of the consequences of a sexual assault, it's a fudge.

The fact he is a Person of Significance actually means he should better be able to take responsibility not the opposite. (hindsight is great, isnt it...I was just so intimidated by His Reputation and guilty all the time especially as others believed him and did not care enough about me to share information.

Truth be told that if I had rushed out of the room crying for help and sobbing and been as vulnerable outwardly as I felt inside all those weeks instead of conscientiously Being A Good Quaker it could have been very different

There should be some kind of a report or review so if it happens again there is a good code of practice.

The whole matter has made me so ill ideally if MH had the resources I would get some respite care, but Quakers do have money.

Sorry for my last repeat sentence EmilyAnne. I really feel for you, I know it's scary. You'll recall I chose to pay £140 to clear me of any eye cancer, after initial tests.

But you'll need blood tests and GP examination first - how are you doing? xxxx

Are you on your way home, HVDY ?
Safe travel! And a warm Jaffa welcome and the comforts of family, ones own bed, and LG ahead.

Yes, I would ring my DocSis but she would say "the odds are v very small" reassuringly ....

and, unless it was her area of speciality (tums and bums)
"I done know enough about x and y

Because it's a specialist area. DD isn't likely to know enough as a Psychiatrist unless she has or a contact of hers has encountered it herself?

I hope she is able to offer the reassurance bit but its hard to know if she can xxx

Just a quick message to EllieAnne

Yes, it is a psychological word - Catastrophising. and used a lot in therapy.

What to do? Well what I would do is ring my GP and be my honest panicking and terrified self to get help, a quick appointment.

It is OK to have these feelings.

They are as valid as any other reason to cry for help. I
Its an emotional health problem as well as a possible physical one.
And as valid. The depressive element is kicking in badly, isnt it? Ie go straight to planning your death.

Above all, you are worth it - asking for resources because of having an emotional crisis is as right and proper as a physical one xx

Psychologist was great and by all means lean on extra meds tomorrow as I want to be OK not just for the Zoom but my son coming later to enjoy it

but I am desperately tired and my cleaner comes at 3 to help get a bedroom ready for son.

The depressive element is kicking in badly, isnt it? Ie go straight to planning your death.

That's a very pretty picture, PurplePixie. Nice colours. Glad you're feeling brighter today. Going to your son's is something you can look forward to.

We've got 3 hours to kill before we get picked up so we're lounging about on the hotel terrace with cold drinks.

I had an ok weekend with DH being busy in the garage. So I got the paints out and did this watercolour. Spoke to youngest son yesterday afternoon for ages. He really cheered me up. I’m going to spend a day with him in July.
Ahhh life is strange and I feel more upbeat today.
Hugs to all suffering.

ScaredyCat Oh thank you. You're a lovely lady and always know just the right thing to say to us all. You're kind to your friend - I hope she'll be able to have her treatment OK.

SweetpeaSue When your aunt says she wants to go home, it may be that she means her childhood home or where she lived as a young woman. That's a common thing with Alzheimer's. I bet she loved seeing Fluffball even if she forgot later.

Doodle You have such happy memories of your husband, which is so nice. The hospice sounds a lovely place.

EllieAnne Is it anything you want to share here or as a private message with any of us? I hope your daughter contacts you. Having a busy week will help to pass the time.

Wyllow3 I hope you tell your Psychologist everything.

Sorry for a short post....the signal here is hit and miss. Going home this evening, should be in by 11.30ish. Love to ALL BDers x

Wyllow I so hope that you tell the psychologist everything today. You seem to be slipping back quite a lot and you can't keep all those self destructive feelings to yourself.
What happened with Mr A has had such a traumatic affect and you need to talk it all out of your system instead of trying to analyse it all yourself. Your Quaker P may have a point, I dont know, but dont hide your distress for fear of being labelled with the severe MH stuff. Take care of yourself - we all care.
EllieAnne Is it possible to get an earlier appt. I say this only so you can put your mind at rest and not because I think you have something very serious.
I hope your DD gets back to you- I think it would be good to talk with her ,to perhaps clear the air? I dont know. Is there a nice friend at all you can share with? It just might help get things into perspective.
Your busy week might help but try and do something for yourself too. Its not selfish to do something you want to do ,whatever that may be. Thinking of you and Wyllow Take care.

Have to go now but back later.

I haven’t shared this before but it’s really worrying me and I can’t share it with anyone else because it may be nothing.
Have had a health problem for a month maybe more and am worried that it might be cancer. I phoned last week for an appointment and have one on the 29 th.
I thought about talking to dd as she has medical knowledge though she is a psychiatrist but she isn’t answering her phone. We haven’t spoken for a few weeks and last phone call she was annoyed with me. I’ve messaged on what’s app but no response.
So can’t really share it with her.

I’ve started thinking I need to clear out a lot of stuff because it wouldn’t be fair to leave it for someone else to do. And I should sort out my finances as I don’t have that sort of brain and it’s all a bit messy.
I know I’m overreacting and catastrophying if that’s a word but I’ve had a few bad nights with this health issue and mind is all over the place.
I’ve got quite a busy week so will just keep going and try not to think.
Maybe dd will answer message today and I can decide whether to share with her or not. Thanks for listening.

Here's a very short U tube for our cat contingent

www.facebook.com/reel/1958428168396731

Doodle Sometimes even the comforts of your lovely church aren’t enough: I am so very glad that you were able to share the memories, with your sons, at the hospice.

I need custom made inserts too, because my leg and foot have become actually twisted because for so many years I twisted them to compensate for of the leg length over the years of “not knowing”.
Gel inserts for the time being. My old fitted ones wore out.

I hope you still have the company on holiday of the “onsite cat”, HVDY. I’m glad your leg is getting better from the burn. Oh my, those photos are so lovely, “wish I were there”.

I can sometimes let go of overthinking, but not for too long atm. Ie trying to “just be”. I’ve done that better at different times of my life, but have done meditation training and so on. Not accessible atm.

Yes: MrA was at the meeting. I decided overnight I had to go, to see what it was like, with the Zoom coming up.

I had to walk out after 15 minutes.

It was intolerable.

I went to the gym to be with people and work off a bit of the frustration.

But it felt very lonely, as Quakers have such a central place in my heart and has done for nearly 40 years. I got a phone call from new quaker friend P who understands it all.

I didnt share the levels of distress ie the wanting to drive into walls and other significant depressive thoughts: but I will on Tuesday at the Zoom.

I had told Mr A - its in our joint “Statement” - and other Quakers for a long time about crisis calls to MH for months but no one “heard” or understood what that really meant.

I had hod hidden the extent because of the concern it would end up with “oh, well she is overreacting because of her MH stuff”.

But in fact very basic reading about trauma resulting from Sexual Assault tells me it is not abnormal at all.

Quaker P said “tell it like it is - don’t over-theorise”. As ever, my being articulate is mistaken for being well, and they are not the same (I’ve had it with trained MH professionals so its not unfamiliar)
So it’s a question of “being” what I truly feel not describing it.

I’ve got a Psychologist visit tomorrow morning - by co-incidence - and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Desperate to talk to her, I’m just trying to pass the time really and gransnet helps.

I am really ill, physically and mentally , finding it ever harder just to look after myself, have showers, keep on top of shopping, and less inclined to each day. I would like some respite care - there isnt any viable on the NHS but Quakers have resources has been on my mind. MrA isnt short of a bob or two 😡.

Last night I watched a “woman gets her revenge” film. It was somewhat satisfying….tho I should not of course admit to that

Well done there Scaredycat on assigning the tomato babies to him wot got them. 🙂
I do think it’s lovely your friend has found a pal - that bit of contact close by - I do hope she is able to resume the immunotherapy too. Nothing like a good old natter over coffee with DD. And your dear Sis….

But I cannot conceive why your niece isn’t kicking out and loudly - why is this do you think? Its the kind of matter an MP would take on (well, mine would)
But.. you can only “take the course to the water”

Sweetpeasue that extended pain for DH must have been very upsetting for both of you: it must feel like a set back and fears arise.

You are both being lovely with Aunt.

I am very sure it makes a lot of difference although it isn’t obvious.
Yes, it’s horrible being in a place where people try and do stuff like get in your room.

I just so hope she can get into a better place, not taking too long.
Good for Fluffball! Doing her magic furry work.

Thinking of absent BD’s, you know who you are xxx

Doodle It must be comforting for you to share those memories of your DH with your sons. So glad your DH lived his last moments in such a special place. I wish there were more Hospices for people who need them.
Aunt loved Fluffball. Though she couldn't remember the visit of her eldest DD who had travelled all the way from Scotland this morning.

Wow HVDY look at the colour of that sea. So beautiful. Lovely photos. Hope you’re having a good time.
Willow hope you get your appointment and it helps. I have orthopaedic shoe inserts as my feet trend to slope outwards when I walk. They are most comfortable and supportive.
Scaredycat I can’t believe your niece hasn’t had her op yet, that’s really bad. Glad you had a nice chat with your sister,
Nice to meet up with your DD in M&S, Our local one is closing next year. Don’t know where we’re going to go instead.
Sweetpeasue that’s sad about your aunt asking you to take her home. I think that’s happens quite a lot with people in care but so difficult for the family. I bet Fluffball cheered her up though. Sorry about DH’s pain. Do wish it could be explained better.
Hard day for me at church this morning but had a nice afternoon with our sons at the hospice. Lots of lovely memories of DH to share.

Doodle So many sayings and poems about love- and I know youd rather feel the loss of your DH than forget. Whiff used to say 'its the price we pay for love'
Glad you had a nice day yesterday. Hope today youve enjoyed friends at church and after.
Wyllow I do hope you're feeling better today and Quaker meeting was better than you thought it might be. Can't remember if you said Mr A was going to be there.
Scardycat I cant believe your neice is still waiting for that op! Thats really terrible. It could affect her other organs like bowel and bladder. Nice for you to chat with your sis so long. You must have so much in common. I do hope that wound on her leg gets better though- it must be quite nasty.
So pleased your friend has someone to talk to like that. I understand about the memory though . Saw aunt today and she was delighted with Fluffball. She'll probably not remember she saw her now though. Its just awful.
HVDY Beautiful blue waters there with sunshine. Yes, I thought you might be missing Jaffa. He'll be so pleased to see you when you get back. Fluffball is on my knee making little snoring sounds as I write.
Ive never liked myself either. You have done so much in your caring profession- youve so much to 'like' yourself for.
EllieAnnePurplePixie Hope the weekend has been OK for you both.

DH had pain again in chest and it lasted quite a while. We both took Fluffball to see aunt. She asked us to please take her home. We walked to her room ( its so tiny and depressing) She loved Fluffball coming up to her all the time though F was a bit too excited really.
Aunt's memory is so bad. Another lady kept trying to come into her room and another room opposite - I had to get staff to see to her as I couldn't guide her back. Life can be so cruel.
Hoping all have a reasonable night. Take care.x

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- it was so lovely to see the friendship beqtween my friend and her new friend. Glimpses of the person she was as she looks out for her - she forgets who she is if she goes out of sight though. But then they see each other and it’s ok again.
It’s a lovely idea to take Fluffball visiting - she will take her own little furry love with her .
DH came home with baby tomato plants too! I felt like you - something else to do!! So I said they’re your babies - 😀
Don’t feel guilty however you feel. Life picks us up then drops us again and so our moods are natural. As for those happy people-we don’t really ever know do we.
Doodle- I Googled Stanley Spencer- some of his work looks great and some really weird. He must have had a strange mind.
What a lovely day you had - one I would have enjoyed very much.
I haven’t had that ‘book feeling’ for a long while but remember that feeling of sadness as the pages of a brilliant book get fewer and fewer.
Wyllow- you are needing to ration your energy a bit at the moment. Much of it must be nervous energy of which you,ve used a shed load lately.
Glad to hear you had warm company at your meeting - so good for you to share laughter - the best therapy.
Your Skechers will be fine with an insert. Whateve4 did we wear before they came along!!
HVDY- what beautiful blue sea- must have been wonderful to see the turtles.
Glad your sunburn has settled down .
I hope this holiday has helped you relax as you do so much when at home. As for not liking yourself -I really like you and I,m pretty sure I,m not alone.

Been to take my friend to have her blood tests this morning while DH is at Golf. They were not good enough for her to have her immunotherapy last week so hope they are OK today.
Saw DD before that and had a coffee together in M and S.
Had a 2 hour chat with my Sister yesterday-FaceTime. She still has a bad wound on her leg from the hospital stay and my niece is still waiting for her Op!!

Love to all and wishing peaceful nights for everyone.

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SweetpeaSue I know what you mean. I'm never truly happy for long, but I think it's because I've never liked myself. I overthink every single thing, all the time. Enjoy your time with Fluffball. I'm looking forward to cuddling Jaffa.

Doodle My sunburn is OK now, thanks. Still red but not painful. I've been covered up since. Your day sounded really lovely.

ScaredyCat I burn very easily, so it was daft of me to burn on the 1st day. Son1 is the same and gets sunstroke as well. Aww your friend at least has found another resident to sit and be friendly with.

Wyllow3 Many people have got one leg a little bit shorter than the other. I have and I bought some gel insole things from Amazon, just for my left shoe. I love my Sketchers and intend buying more later.

Went on a boat trip earlier, hoped to see some Loggerhead turtles. We did, but they were just under the water and not close enough to be able to photograph, but it was beautiful there.

"Then I never want the book to end."

Oh, I know that one, if you have got involved in a good one, then it's a loss saying good bye to the book. When there was a series of say 5 books, book 5 was hard, what would happen next. 🙂
Stanley Spencers work is sort of thought provoking and sometimes pretty tough but only rarely would get on the living room walls.

I'm glad you avoided the rain. That is a mini triumph at the moment.

I had a long sleep and woke feeling fluey. I need to be very choosy what I spend my energy on atm. I don't regret the very alive and warm meeting last night, and laughing with others my age about forgetting things, but it cream crackered me. I had a lot of difficulty doing much at the gym but gradually the physio bits are helping.

I have at last, waited for 6 months, got an orthotics appointment at the beginning of June. (shoe inserts) One leg is just a bit shorter than the other and has lifelong led to a twist in my foot which then of course causes trouble to knee and leg and lower back but I'm good at knowing what to do to make it as well as. My vast collection of different coloured lace up Sketchers should take the insert (it had better ☺️)

Warm thoughts to the "not in here today's".

Willow the Stanley Spencer Gallery is in his home town where he met and married his first wife. There are a limited number of his paintings there but you can watch videos of his life and works. It was very interesting. Interesting paintings but not my thing. Art is always viewed differently by everyone. What one likes another doesn’t. I can see how he would appeal to others. A lovely day. Lunch in a tiny cafe then a surprise visit to the local church where an orchestra was rehearsing. Walk along the river and home before rain. Not quite sure what is happening at your Quakers meeting tomorrow but hope you’ll get the support you need to get through Mr A being there.

Sweetpeasue I think you’ll find that the people who “don’t honk much and seem to be happy” are either ignorant and uncaring of others or putting on a front. Most people under the surface have troubles or things they are worried about. We often hide those worries from others.
I miss DH every second and it hurts but I would rather care and hurt than not be bothered.
Don’t feel guilty about feeling low. You have things of great worry to you. Life hasn’t been easy. Don’t berate yourself you are doing the very best you can.
HVDY hope that holiday is going well and your sunburn isn’t hurting.
Scaredycat I’m not into reading romance or novels with angst and strife in them. Nor the ones with endless dialogue between people. I like something that intrigues me and makes me want to read more. Then I never want the book to end.
Purplepixie I cannot imagine how hard your life is. How you and Ellie Anne cope day to day, I wish there was a way of making life better for you both,

It's a good question.

Of course we do.

Mind you, it's likely that we imagine they are happier than they actually are.

I think taking Fluff ball in sounds lovely, I hope it's allowed.

Just exhausted today, just the gym, didnt stay long. Walking through treacle mentally and physically.

I loved the sociability of the meeting last night, but its KO'd me, except a call to kind QuakerR which I needed to make as MrA is at my local Quakers tomorrow and told him much to cope with

and to tell him I am seeing Safeguarding at the Zoom but letting him know:

That I have not told the other 2 people as well as him who look after my meeting currently about the Zoom ahead but Safeguarding will tell them what is needful.

back later

Please ignore last sentence of my previous post- am just a miserable old so n so!

Doodle Hope you enjoy the art gallery with your friends. Ive not heard of Stanley Spencer but I know nothing about art. So chilly here- hope its warmer where you are for your outing.
My aunt has Alzheimers.
PurplePixie It must be so difficult for you and lonely at times. Hope you slept last night. I do think, even on a smaller level, that as we get older there can be less to talk about to each other.
Wyllow So glad your sis was reassuring and confirmed your decision about letter to Safeguarding.
I feel familiar with your reasons for slipping into depression.

Will be having Fluffball tomorrow for a couple of days while son and DIL away.
I contacted care home to see if it was OK to visit with her ( on lead at all times). Thought it might cheer up aunt a bit. She loved her when we took her a yr ago but weeks later shed forgotten about it. We'll see how it goes.
Just been deadheading and bought 2 tomato plants. They are for outdoors so Ill have to mollycoddle the things for a while yet- why did I do it? Just more to look after. Just feeling tired but each day I must count blessings as so many worse off. I feel guilty about feeling low .
Does anyone else wish they were one of those people who dont 'think too much' and seem to be born 'happy'.

Oh, I’m so very glad your friend has found another lady close by Scaredycat. Cups of tea together will make a lot of difference.

Yes - it is exhausting. Lots of minute decisions about what to say for the best at times and what to say about ones own worries - or not.

Yes, sis did put my mind at rest for today at least.

“Well, its the truth of what happened”

- and best of all “ since MrA is so thick skinned you aren’t going to do Terrible Damage by standing up to him and demanding to face consequences"

Ah Doodle yes - how one tries to balance truth/standing up for oneself and often totally imagined consequences.

Oh my! I love Stanley Spencer’s work. Lot of Christian imagery, and in some ways a sad life (I don’t know how much detail they will go into TMI stuff) but a wonderful artist.

You have stepped a long way PurplePixie by stepping into the challenge of exposing matters at home and truth telling, which is not at all easy.

Sometimes we fall into depression rather than face what seem impossible obstacles to get our minds around in my case, conflict and anger. Sometimes is something else altogether, like our past, or a genetic pre-disposition. A trigger for my depressions is often conflict, pretending to myself I am stronger than I am, so the collapse is bigger as held off.

Yes life is strange. Or is it, and we cling to the idea it won't change, as a change, means anxiety, unknown upheaval, even if it’s from a really bad place? Its so "human" especially as we age, to want things to stay the same or magically be better.

Wyllow's annoying Thought for the Night.
In the meantime, I’ll join you in a little snifter.

Thank you for reaching out to me. You are all so kind.
We used to go out and socialise but not much now. I really do not like him. When we do go out I alway manage to get through it but chatting to others that might be there. We recently went out to a pub and the couple on the next table were really chatty and talked for ages. I enjoyed the night and DH drove. We have nothing in common any more. Sad really. Night night all. Off to bed now with a whisky hot toddy and a book about Paul O’Grady. Catch up tomorrow. Life is strange. Thank you for being there for me.