Black Dogs 29

Wyllow3 Glad you had a nice visit from your son, albeit not for long. Once sons are with a partner, it's not always possible to get to see them alone, is it? Son2 rang me last night and said he'll call in on Friday after work. However much I like DIL, I do enjoy a chat with him on his own, now and then. You said what you needed to say during the Zoom, and it seems you were heard. See what happens next, then. I'm tired but will get to bed a bit earlier tonight. Soft play and the park have worn me out.

ScaredyCat Your SIL's dad is quite elderly, likely to get things at that age. Hope he soon gets back home. Fish and chips are a treat - hope you manage to have that later. One of my friends has just been told that her brother (64) has died, on holiday, in U.S.A. His wife found him dead in bed. Another friend has got stage 4 Cirrhosis, and nothing can be done (he's not fit enough for a transplant, and is 71). Always something, eh.

It was lovely to see LG again. She's talking a lot more now and kept saying "Let's play" to DH and me. She's just gone.

Oh Scaredycat - it never rains, but it pours.
Your DD FiL is clearly at an age where "things are more likely to happen" and he sounds a lovely, lovely man.

You have top coping strategies already and I understand so well the fears of being flooded with anxiety. "like before"

You've got a good plan for today, but you need more information about what the problem is with DD FiL.

But you recall, don't you, the story about being in the aircraft and putting your own Oxygen mask on before trying to "make things OK" for others?

And only you can make any necessary choices where you have to absolutely put yourself first. and you are in a health ???? situation yourself.

Easy to say, hard to do. You need to put yourself first. ...

(Looking back, after the assault, I should have donned a mask very early on instead of worrying about what Quakers XYZ (and ABC) needs all were - trying to make it OK for them

Looking back, I should have not run around Ex trying to "make him OK" out of guilt.......which led to a fall)

Yesterday I hope much was gained, but today's cost is losing a day, (had to go back to bed at 11.30 despite 9 hours sleep)

and although it was lovely to see DS, frankly its just as well he went first thing and got a taxi.

Hi all
Doodle- yesterday must have been hard to bear- it seems unbelievable it’s 2 yrs since you lost your lovely man. I hope the peace of the Hospice washed over you.
More family worries this morning as my DD FiL has been taken to hospital so our day out together was postponed as SiL needed to be with his Dad. He’s a lovely man in his early 90,s and the absolute heart of his family.
SweetPeaSue- thank you. I just don’t want that awful anxiety creeping back. It’s just never ending at the moment but everything passes so will rest this afternoon and sort my head out. DH and I may go over to DD this evening for Fish and Chips!! Depends how her FiL is.
HVDY- Doesn’t take long for reality to set in after our hols does it. All that old admin rears its ugly head .
I,m sorry that your friends are suffering - life is so hard sometimes.
Hope the weather is kind to you today and you can get out with LG. She,ll be happy to see you.
Nadateturbe- lovely to hear from you- we think of you too.
Wyllow- thanks for the kind words and support.
Your Sons visit sounded pretty typical of “boys” however old they are!! So glad you had him wit( you.
It sounds like you got your points across well on the Zoom and stayed true to yourself.
Friday will soon be here and a familiar ,trusted face for you.
EllieAnne- hope you are OK.
PurplePixie- how is today treating you?

Love to all and take care all.

Its looks like "soft play" from here, HVDY. Chilly, rain on the way? did you get enough sleep with Jaffa still in "Welcoming home" mode?

DS didnt stay long - he woke me up to say goodbye earlier than I thought. Was to be 10 15.
Came and gave a hug.

Then downstairs I found he had messed up putting the TV on, couldn't work the stove to heat up the croissants, and had clearly given up, 🤣

But wanted to get back home asap (DiL had been away 3 days before he had to set out for the conference, so all understood. Needed and is needed for family life.

It was lovely just having time in his company after the Zoom.

Anyway my brain like mush as expected as yesterday full on before the Zoom.

The Zoom.

Just speed read or walk on by as its long but each bit significant in terms of outcomes.

" I am satisfied that they heard me. That as things stand, I cannot bear to be in our worship room with my assailant.

But no conclusions about him being allowed back - to be discussed. Fair enough, really, except more uncertainty. Middle next week.

Also, although they were not free to disclose who, they talked about "other women coming forward" - it is likely, not certain, it was as regards MrA. But indeed, if it involves other men, it has woken Safeguarding up.

More has been discussed than I realised amongst pastoral care people.

Including something I need -*some kind of respite, some being looked after*. (it would have been good if I had known this, but then, they don't know me - which is that I prefer "full information” not behind my back, but then, in an ever changing situation ...well, I do trust them more now as never before)

They have however, broadly speaking, a duty of care towards MrA too.

My personal feelings and assessment on that is that he will not have to self examine unless what he wants - to come back to our little meeting full time

- is withheld from him.

(Then that makes me feel guilty, and did on waking today - but then, I'm inclined to that way and a bit of " I must have done something wrong")

But I refused to say what the outcome I wanted was. Because if a decision is made which affects MrA substantially, I do not want to be the one carrying the can

They understand I need to get on with my life without the prospect of continuing being reminded of the assault.

I was able to detail the real effects on me, which I haven’t fully previously.

I had had to marginally criticise Safeguarding and the lead local person there, had an edge to her voice at the beginning, which it did not have at the end.

I described it like being assaulted by a trusted older man within a family, for us Quakers are a kind of family - given that it's been part of my life for nearly 40 years.

I didn't offer them the option that I had discussed with my sister last night - that he be allowed to continue coming back one week's meeting per month.

It was a compromise I'd only thought of so I wouldn't be criticised for being unreasonable:
and I am now uncertain whether I should have said it or not, but I was being true to myself.

I still feel a responsibility, but then, in a way, we are all responsible for family or close groups we belong to.

Hanging around and not doing is the order of the day.

I have Friday to look forward to as my first "get along with well/father of DS" Ex comes over once a month for other purposes so it being a sunny day maybe a walk.

Ellie Anne how are you?

Wyllow3 Hope you have a lovely visit from your son. Make the most of it, as much as you can.

nadateturbe How are you getting on?

It's an early start - Thanks, Jaffa- LG here at 8, so I hope the weather might be alright to be able to take her somewhere. Otherwise, it'll be a soft play place. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Oh my, I love that song. So many versions. It reminds me of Psalm 22.

You aren't ever forgotten!

Good evening BDs. I put a playlist on and "Oh Lord hear my prayer" came on, which immediately made me think of you lovely people.
So just came on to send all my love to you and to say I still think of you all and include you in my prayers.xx

Heartfelt posts today dear BD's:

Zoom went as well as it might, no conclusion, but I distracted from the upcoming Zoom by being very active at the gym, and now expecting Son, so will come in asap with a bit more about the Zoom.

(I will ponder on the counselling thing PurplePixie as I have had both very helpful and very unhelpful type talking therapy, but almost certainly you are suffering from PTSD long term?
..... and that's another cuppaT altogether as regards "ordinary" counselling - which can be counterproductive as over triggering -

having had some lovely support when I was very very ill from a paid carer who happened to be very good and kind - she just "walked with me" through the dark...that and of help maybe gentle and best?)

I hear you, Scaredycat. You have been such a survivor, and so strong for friends, but have such troubling personal news to deal with:

just let us all walk with you, you are so often "here" for others.

So glad you are home HVDY. Jaffa was clearly over the moon to see you, and so will LG be.

Keep posting too, Doodle, hold hands in your sorrow.

Take that headache to the duvet and a hot water bottle asap, Sweetpeasue

PurplePixie Counselling helps some people, not others (I didn't find it useful). The terrible times you had at the hands of your husband won't go away, I don't think. I'm not sure how anyone gets past that kind of abuse. Wyllow3 has experienced some abuse in a relationship. It must be hurtful to you that your son still sees his father. Is your current husband close to your son at all? I hope you have some good friends to spend some time with.

SweetpeaSue We took a suitcase each, so I've had the washer on 4 times. Got some dry on the clothes horse, some in the dryer, but still need to dry a lot. Fingers crossed that your husband will get some tests or answers from the Rheumatologist. Poor man, he suffers so much (you too). Hope your head feels better after a sleep.

ScaredyCat You're so kind to us, and to your friends. Take care of yourself. Two of my friends have had terrible news this week.

Doodle Hugs for you .

Back to the business of arranging GP appointments, renewing home insurance and internet contract. DH out with Son1 this evening. LG here tomorrow. Love to all x

Scaredycat I can only echo * Doodle's*
post in that your words to us are always very thoughtful and kind. Im so sorry- your worries about family and friends have built up greatly - it certainly does take a toll and leaves a heavy heart. I do hope you can rest your poor mind and that the worries ease. Sending you 💓
Doodle I dont have any words that can any way give comfort Doodle. Your heart is broken and I can only imagine such loss. We know you care ,as we do about you. The hospice is a real refuge and so special to you . Sending my love and prayers x

Scaredycat you have always been such a support to this group. I’m sorry you have health and other worries troubling you, Family worries are particularly hard I feel.
Sorry all I’ve had a sad day today. Two years since my beloved man died. I’ve been at the hospice for quiet time to myself and now I’m home and so worn out. Sorry I’m not up to posting much but I do care about you all and will be back soon.

Hi all.
It’s been a really busy and at times distressing couple of days. I,m really tired and feel worn out with worrying about all my dear friends and family who are going through so much at the moment.
I,m sseing a cardiologist in a couple of weeks so hope will get a definite diagnosis re my heart.
HVDY-glad you’re home safe and Jaffa is too by the sound of it.
SweetPeaSue-glad your Aunt will soon be in a kinder place.
Also hope DH gets some help with his pain next week.
EllieAnne- please see if you can get seen sooner. Big hug for you.
PurplePixie-I also had no comfort from counselling. The sort of memories you have live with you forever.
Wyllow- glad you were able to get some kind helpful words with your Sis. I hope today brought some kind of relief.
Doodle- as always good to know you’re there.
Love to all- sorry I,m not very chatty tonight but please know I care so much about you all.

Wyllow Hope you can enjoy your time with your brother.
HVDY It must be nice to be home again . Aw, Jaffa will have missed you so hes making up for lost time. Hope there wasnt too much washing.
My DH has an appt with Rheumatologist next Wednesday so we'll be telling him about his pain,hoping he might send him for some sort of scan.
Purplepixie The time with your first husband sounds like a terrifying time in your life. Sometimes it hurts too much to go over things so counselling isnt for everyone. You say you try and put different endings to various scenarios played out from that time but as you said- you know just how bad it was ,Im guessing you didnt have many options at the time and theres nothing more you could have done. Oh ,it would hurt me too that your son still sees but I think your son will probably find him out in time. Thats a real double whammy for you. Wyllow has suffered abuse too so Im sure everything she says will come with her own personal experience.
I hope your knitting group helps to steer your thoughts away from those awful times.

Not able to say more ,no energy and bad headache. Wishing all a peaceful night.

I’ve had counselling on three occasions. One was good the other two were terrible. I used to come out of them absolutely wrecked. They never helped me to manage my head or the past trauma at all. I felt like the hidden stuff was brought to the front and they listened, had their say and I felt worse after it all. I’ve tried putting a book together to help but as soon as I start then the memories stab me for days/weeks. I don’t know what the answer is. My eldest son who I’m in touch with is still in touch with his dad. It hurts. He knows what i went through with his dad.

EllieAnne I hope, whatever your health worry is, that you might be able to speak with someone about it.

Wyllow3 Hope you had a good chat with your sister and that she gave you some good advice.

SweetpeaSue Hope you manage to see or speak with somebody about your husband's pain. Men! I manage all my husband's medical things, too.

PurplePixie What a terrible time you obviously had with your first husband. My brother's (late) wife had a similar experience with her 2nd husband - my brother was her 3rd husband. She had counselling. Have you ever tried that? I know it's not for everyone. Enjoy your knit and natter today.

Back at midnight last night, been doing washing today. Jaffa was fussy and stayed by my side all night. He's happy to be having cooked chicken again. Hope ALL BDers have a decent day x

Arghghgh I felt ok yesterday but after a rubbish night I feel really down today. During the night I was going over stuff that I thought was buried. I know from past experience that it will never be. The first husband (know as JW) has done so much damage to my head and some parts like my teeth and nose will never be the same. I go over scenarios and then try and put a different ending to them when I know just how it was.
Off to my knitting group this afternoon and try and perken myself up. They are all older except for one lady and they are such a brilliant strong group.
Hugs to all suffering and I will catch up later. DH has been ok.

It did help quite a bit Sweetpeasue thank you. Sis never sugar coats things.

Ah, another medically stubborn man. What is it with so many? Maybe lots of Mums managing illnesses especially more back in the day? (Mind you....thinks carefully..did I do that.?

Well done you.

Wyllow Crossed fingers that your phone call with your sis will help. Do try and put stresses out of mind for a decent night's sleep. Enough for now, today's problems. You can cope better tomorrow if you sleep.
Yes,DHs pain is worrying. Hes a very stubborn man! Im on to it.x

Thank you for that backing, Sweetpeasue.

I'm crawling up the wall tonight but have a call booked with Sis. It's like all my values about my faith group turned upside down and only some believed me. Like a man who was a father/Uncle figure.

Its takes a long time after big events like this before I crash. I can block the worst out for so long. Put on "being strong" and avoiding just how much things really affected me.

I recall when I started writing about it, it took me ages for it to really hit me. I can read and note that what I have experienced is normal for such events but till it happens...

Sweetpeasue I am glad about your aunt: but clearly DH's situation is worrying you a lot. I think you need to consult someone about the stent side pain - information, reassurance, or whatever is called for, as soon as you can. A long road where you can't know the outcome.

Sigh....and tests our ability to "live in the present" to its extremes.

Doodle its just always good to see you in, and hugs back..and to any reading BD's who need them now.

Sending you love and a soft ,warm hug back to you Doodle x

Ellie Anne I’m sorry you have this problem worrying you. I’d do what Wyllow suggested and phone the GP with your concerns maybe get an earlier appointment. It’s probably not as bad as you think but our minds go into overdrive.

Short post from me tonight. Thinking of you all but I’m not up to posting much. Love and hugs.

Purplepixie Whar a lovely watercolour picture- you have so many skills.
So glad you're feeling better today and youve had a lovely talk with your youngest son. I think we all need that special personal contact with our AC as theyre often so busy with their own.lives.
HVDY You'll be home soon and Jaffa will be so pleased too.
Wyllow Sounds like tomorrow is going to be quite emotional for you with that zoom meeting. Then you have your son coming later when I hope you can have good one to one communication and enjoy mother and son special time.
I think you're right to expect some help from Quakers regarding respite care and I so hope you get it. Its very good that you're aiming at that compromise of Mr A attending just once a month- you're being extremely fair . I really dont think anyone has a right to expect any more at all. Be reassured that we all believe in you and take care of yourself.

Im sorry I dont have much to say today. DH still has the pain on left side which is where he had stent put in by Vascular. I think its different from the tightness thats relieved by spray. Son picked up Fluffball. Aunt's DD managed to get her mum another placement somewhere else. ( all in motion).
Extremely tired, sorry not addressing all but sending love.x

Ellie Anne I googled if there were any cancer charities that you can phone with fears not a diagnosis and it looked positive, if thats an option you want to take.

I'm so on edge for tomorrow I cant relax and so tired. It was a nice break that my cleaner came and we got things for son coming tomorrow sorted. My Zoom is at 5.30 and son not till after the conference meal.

I wasnt able to work out a lot with Psychologist but it was supportive.

My ideal of MrA actually taking any real responsibility very small.

I dont want to see him again and its my right not to have it imposed on me but him continuing to come only once a month a compromise.

If any one (dares to) say oh share the month out then they are not recognising the reality of the consequences of a sexual assault, it's a fudge.

The fact he is a Person of Significance actually means he should better be able to take responsibility not the opposite. (hindsight is great, isnt it...I was just so intimidated by His Reputation and guilty all the time especially as others believed him and did not care enough about me to share information.

Truth be told that if I had rushed out of the room crying for help and sobbing and been as vulnerable outwardly as I felt inside all those weeks instead of conscientiously Being A Good Quaker it could have been very different

There should be some kind of a report or review so if it happens again there is a good code of practice.

The whole matter has made me so ill ideally if MH had the resources I would get some respite care, but Quakers do have money.

Sorry for my last repeat sentence EmilyAnne. I really feel for you, I know it's scary. You'll recall I chose to pay £140 to clear me of any eye cancer, after initial tests.

But you'll need blood tests and GP examination first - how are you doing? xxxx