being well enough to look after grandchildren

I am in a similar situation with my DIL, who now doesn’t talk to me and no access to my GC who are both under 4 years. My DS is taking her side so it is a dilemma I am unfortunately in.
I had been looking after them quite actively at the expense of my physical ability and when I declined it seemed the end of the world. No doubt it saved them money, which was the reason I had been doing it. Also I love my beautiful GC.

What a spoilt brat your daughter is OP. Ask her if she's trying to kill you. She won't get much help then, will she. If people can't afford or organise proper childcare then they shouldn't have children.

Ammi

BlessedArt

I think if you re-read what you wrote aloud “ ^not well enough and walking difficulties^”, you will see that the only rationale next step is to say exactly this directly to your daughter. Common sense says it simply isn’t safe or fair to you or the child under the circumstances.

There seems to be an epidemic of entitled young parents expecting free childcare from family with little consideration of the aging parents. Part of that entitlement stems from them not being told plainly that sorting paid childcare comes with the territory of becoming a parent. They can’t learn to be independent parents if grandparents are still doing the heavy lifting for them, no matter the cost to our own physical health. It also teaches them to remain inconsiderate and self-centered. I love my grandchildren and my children, but if ever one of mine would dare to be aggressive about requesting childcare while I’m unwell, they will have lost me as a regular childcare option altogether. Families should respect and be considerate of each other.

Families vary, I do lots of childcare with my GC, I have 8. My mother did it for me, my grandmother did it for her. It just seems normal to us, I don't judge other families and don't expect them to judge us.

I do a fair amount of childcare for my daughters, but they would never dream of behaving the way the OP’s daughter does. They are grateful and understand that I am providing for them what is fully their responsibility to sort. Every point of my post stands. Entitlement does not foster independence. Allowing yourself to become fully dependent on aging parents for free childcare is not responsible. Demanding unwell, aging parents provide childcare is indefensible so I am not sure what you’re arguing here. Nothing wrong with raising your children to have respect and appreciation for those that do for them. I’m not saying anything that shouldn’t be common decency.

The OP’s daughter proves the point of my post.

Musicbuff57

not well enough and having walking difficulties but my daughter keeps saying hurry up and get better but not sure how I am going to be, how do I tell my daughter?

Perhaps tell your daughter to sort her child care without you.

I'm not certain how grans became childminders, AC entitled.

Maria59

My DS has gone NC as I was waiting for urgent heart surgery and said I didn't feel up to looking after 2 DGC for 4 days while DS & DDIL went abroad. 1 DGS disabled the other autistic.

Absolutely incredible.

We help out a lot, & are very happy to. If you are worried about your daughter being upset with you, just turn the reason away from yourself and say that you’re not sure you can keep her children safe as you are, and that you will let her know when you feel properly able to respond to any emergencies whilst the children are in your care.

Maria59

My DS has gone NC as I was waiting for urgent heart surgery and said I didn't feel up to looking after 2 DGC for 4 days while DS & DDIL went abroad. 1 DGS disabled the other autistic.

Maria 💐

Wow, I can't believe some of these stories of expectation and entitlement. It's beyond belief.

There were no expectations from my adult children as I was still working when they were having babies, and even now that I am retired, they only ask in unforeseen circumstances, or to cover for an hour if there are overlaps in shifts. And then they are very grateful, saying thank you each time.

I think you might say you are very flattered at being asked but she must see you couldn’t keep the children safe. AC often find it hard to accept that we get older
Only say this if you are sure you won’t want to be asked in the future

We have had a similar situation. New to this group as need support. We began to look after our first grandchild one day per week in September. Her other carers are DIL s Mum (half day), our son (1 day) and two full days at nursery. Plain sailing up to now. Last week she had Norovirus during the night and was looked after the following day by her other Gran. We were informed late on the day before we had her of the situation. We were not comfortable due to risk to us ( we are in mid 60s) but went ahead anyway. Result was us both catching it, myself particularly badly and still recovering a week on. We have subsequently said that whilst we would still look after her if she has a minor illness, anything involving vomiting and diarrhoea is a no and one of them will have to stay off work to care for her. This has unleashed a very hurtful response from our son who said he was very hurt that we were of this opinion and the other Gran wasn't like that, that we weren't old and just playing the health card (my husband had a heart attack a year ago) and putting words in our mouth by saying that she would probably often have loose stools in future and what were they meant to do if we weren't prepared to look after her? I said that there is a big difference between Norovirus and a mild tummy upset. He accused us of having no empathy. I defended our stance but it has taken its toll on me and we feel very upset at their lack of compassion towards us

From the original post I don't think Musicbuff's daughter has mentioned any child care. She's just using an irritating way of encouraging her mum to get better.
It is irritating. My husband is the same, but I think they just want to see us well again.
I've started to say - "well it ain't going to happen", and they don't have an answer for that.

DiL does maybe expect too much, but it was her parents that laid down the boundaries first "we can only cope with x,y,z."

Trouble is they really do have a big loving and loved problem, my second DGD is very severely disabled indeed and needs constant care, and mum and dad both work. Paying for childcare means a qualified nurse or nurses aid.

My first Ex aka Grandad has been going up at half terms (they know its beyond me and I'm a extra for now and then) and he looked totally, utterly worn out when I saw him at the end of a half term helper out big circles under his eyes.

I do genuinely think that as healthy fit 40 somethings they cant sort of imagine what its like to be in their 70's however fit we are, there ar just limits, aren't there?

You have to tell it like it is, Musicbuff tell her how much you love them but I would produce a medical letter or statement and say,

I have been advised that I must not do x,y,z

As someone who hasnt had/didnt want children - I can see she's being very unreasonable if she expects continuing free childcare regardless of your health.

Even if you were in good health = you've presumably been looking forward to and planning for "having a retirement" when you do what you want when you want. Health does sometimes?/often? decline as people get older and one is more tired and also having to set time aside to deal with that health and try and get rid of the problems with it.

I've watched this happening within my own family. When my erstwhile brother and his wife decided to have children they seemed to take it as read that our parents would step in as free babysitters - for several days a week. I could see that my parents both cared about those children (to my great surprise - as my mother doesnt even like children and didnt want any). Our father had been noticeably ill for years as it was before those children turned up and our mother became ill latterly too and neither of them were really up to it and commented that it made them tired (even though keeping an eye on them whilst they were napping was something the dog took on herself to do and she'd just come and alert them if she saw a problem).

My erstwhile brother and his family even talked about having 2 extra children!!! They'd got two - but were talking about having two more and I stopped "being an aunty" at that point - as I thought "I am not buying presents for a child 3 and a child 4 - as well as the first two". They didn't give a darn about the impact of their child-bearing on anyone else. Thankfully all round they changed their mind about having "extras".

That is the thing too - you've no way of knowing (presumably) whether they'll go on and have some more children - even if they've got two.

There are several issues here. Your DD is either being very selfish or she doesn’t fully comprehend how poorly you are. You don’t say how old your GC are but has she considered what would happen if you were to have a relapse or a fall while on your own with them?