Black dog 21

EllieAnne I'm sorry your weekend has been so bad. I understand the 'aura of loneliness' you speak of- not silly at all. You must feel in an invisible bubble that cuts you off from the outside world at times. Are there any other groups you'd like to try outside the church? I admit, I'd be afraid too , but then I have my DH. However, I understand the family thing. As Doodle says, many families are busy with their own lives but I always seem to be the one making contact. I hope you were able to get out somewhere today and feel a little better but as Wyllow says we don't have to put on a face here and we all care EllieAnne. 💐

or could just sit and not have to speak or explain or excuse or.........

Ellie Anne I got some antidepressants from Gp while DH was in hospital. Only been taking them about a week so not really helping yet but they have in the past so I’m going to carry on.
What about trying an art group that isn’t connected to the church. A way of meeting other people. I’m scared of going to my new group but I’m hoping it will be ok. I am awful at anything artistic.
Wyllow I’m hoping you will get more help soon in getting out a bit. Shame we don’t all live closer together then we could meet up and help each other. X

"Oh the price we pay for loving is very high."

Aint that the truth.

EllieAnne you say "Sorry to be so negative but it’s just how I feel.".

Thats the thing about BD's - dont have to pretend.

Read todays posts but too tired to comment. Yes being home alone is not good I cant break it yet. Part of me is always fighting anything positive.

Loving caring wishes sent out to all, and especially for the nights Doodle and all BD's xxx

Ellie Anne sometimes it seems hard to carry on doesn’t it. I’m beginning to understand how lonely you must be. Now that I have days on my own. I am absolutely hopeless at art. I can’t draw or paint or anything but I need the company so I’m going to try the art class and see how I get on.
I don’t think boys are good at messaging or phoning as a rule. Mind you I know many people who say their daughters don’t either. I just think the Young have such busy lives these days.
Hope your Dd is ok. Worrying when she won’t answer the phone .
Whiff I have moments when it all overwhelms me. I’m sure you’re right and reality hasn’t sunk in yet. I’ll have a look at that thread . Thank you for your kindness.
Scaredycat I had a lovely surprise the other day. I found a photo book that I’d forgotten DH had done of pictures of us. So lovely to have as a reminder.
How lovely to have a visit from your son. I know how much you miss him. So pleased he managed to visit. And your DGDs birthday too. Hope she has a lovely day.
HVDY have a lovely time with all the family. Nice they’re all getting together.
Sweetpeasue yes you’re right it’s the contact and cuddles I miss so much. I try not to think about it as it makes me so sad.
Last night was the first night I had trouble sleeping and it made it a very long night.
Wyllow I do hope you get help in going out places. It doesn’t do you good to be stuck indoors all the time.
Sleep well all x

ScaredyCat Nice that you saw your son and daughter. Knowing that you had another son must be bittersweet when you see them. I hope your GGD has had a nice birthday. Was the cake good?

EllieAnne Would you consider antidepressants? They wouldn't change your situation, of course, but would lift your mood and allow you to think differently. Do you ring your sons? Facetime any family members? How about swimming, aqua aerobics or line-dancing, anything like that? You can do them in a group but choose whether or not to make friends with people there.

How's everyone else been? We didn't get any thunderstorms here, and it rained for only about 20 minutes at about 1pm.

We had a nice afternoon, Son2 and children were here. Chubby Chops enjoyed sitting with the dog (a very well-behaved Husky/Collie, who doesn't jump up, lick or bark). Son1's "in-laws" were there, too, so it was good to chat with them. My hip is much less painful, having rested it all day. Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening. x

I did try art at my church group but was so bad it upset me.
It’s been a really long and lonely weekend. Haven’t seen anyone and the weathers not been good for garden.
I had a short walk this morning before church.
Church was really busy so I slipped out at the end. Sometimes I get words in my head that won’t go away and the last few days I’ve felt I’m surrounded by an ‘aura of loneliness’ which may sound silly but it feels right to me.
Walking by the sea I feel I could walk into it and disappear and no one would miss me except for the practical help I give.
Dd is not answering the phone and while i would like to jump in the car and go down I know that is not the answer.
My boys are busy with their lives I know in an emergency they would help but they are not good at messaging or phoning.
Sorry to be so negative but it’s just how I feel.

Doodle went the other half of you dies so does your present and future. And the prospect of making a new present and future is scary. We always knew my husband would die but we lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. You didn't know which is worse and harder to come to terms with. Also you where together longer than we where and that makes a vast difference. Don't expect to cope as there is no coping . You just come to accept it. But everything for you happened so quickly you haven't had time to take everything in. And that's normal.

I felt like it wasn't real and expected my husband to say fooled you. Even though I saw him die. I know it sounds odd. Our brains try to protect us from reality. Think I have said this before I felt it was like walking through treacle. Until your darlings funeral it won't really hit you this is now your life. Again this sounds odd but you will understand when it happens. Thankfully it's the lighter nights now. As it's worse a winter dead when the nights draw in and curtains closed early .

You need to concentrate on your health as unfortunately you have more obstacles to face as the days and weeks go by. But just take everything in your time and when you want to be alone tell people . I didn't and in my head I was screaming leave me alone. I don't want you to hurt like I did. Grief is exhausting and can effect you mentally but physically as well. People think it's just an emotion but it's more than that.
If you feel you can read I am a widow on the bereavement forum you will see you are not alone and how others feel and how they cope or didn't. 🌹

Doodle- all this is very early days for you but there some moments that you will never forget. Your world will right itself but it will be a different world. You will take great comfort from your lovely sons and their families. But for now it’s one day at a time - glad you sat in the sun having an ice cream with your friend little moments of brightness in the dark. Try to eat and rest it’s important as you have been very poorly too.
Maybe you could make a lovely photo book with all your lovely holidays and those memories.
I think an Art class is a good idea if you feel able. It is very absorbing and should be fun as well. I still have friends from old Art classes.
Take care dear Doodle - sending much love.
EllieAnne- glad your little cat is better - wonder what it was. Hope the weekend isn’t too stressful for you.
SweetPeaSue- please don’t worry about your dress for the Wedding. Your Son will just be pleased to have his Mum and Dad there. It sounds very pretty and you will look lovely. Relax and enjoy the day as much as you can.
Glad you got out with Auntie-she sounds as if she is getting quite confused. Has she been diagnosed with anything?
It’s good your DH enjoys his time in the garden- it is very therapeutic. You would hope your Dr knows enough about TA to be so confident the headaches are not that. But your worries need addressing - could you get a second opinion.
HVDY- enjoy your lunch today. Lovely to have all the family together. The best of times.
Go Chubby Chops - she is doing so well with her walking skills. You,ll need eyes on stalks once she’s whizzing about.
Whiff- wonderful post so full of kindness and empathy.
Wyllow- I do hope whoever you see next week will arrange better help for getting out. I expect the less you venture out the lower your confidence gets. We all need human contact and as SweetPeaSue says just sitting in a park and being near people is a good start. Easier said than done but an ice cream in the sun might tempt you with some help.
You also need to get your physical needs sorted as mental and physical health are intertwined. I do hope you get some help this week.
One day your heart will be in a warmer,brighter place and we all wish you will feel less troubled soon.

We had a flying visit from my Son this weekend. I darent say before that he was coming in case I jinxed it. So good to have a hug again. He has gone now but was able to see DD and some of her family. When I see them together it is so sad that their brother is no longer with us. I have learnt to live with it but Oh the price we pay for loving is very high.
This afternoon my GGD has her 11th Birthday so we’re off there soon. We have had so many Birthdays this week so much cake has been demolished!! Oh dear we,ll have to eat some more🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂 later.
Wishing all BDs a peaceful day and sending love to all.

Wyllow3 It's hard to koko, but just take each day as it comes. I hope this person next week will help you. We all want you to get better.

Doodle I can only try to imagine how lost you feel without your "other half". I dread being in that situation. I hope you're managing to rest and eat. Your lovely family will help you get through it. Much love x

SweetpeaSue I'm sure your dress will look lovely. I've never worn a fascinator or a hat in my life. DH and I are meant to be going to his niece's wedding in a month's time. Don't worry about what the doctor has said - he doesn't matter. You and your husband are the ones who know something is wrong and are experiencing it, he's not. Glad you managed to take your aunt out.

Going to Son1's for a buffet lunch today. Son2 and children will be there - not DIL, as she's off to Poland today for a couple of days, on a hen do. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a good a day as possible x

Well done for seeing Aunt, Sweetpeasue. Thank you for understanding.

Doodle yes you are right sometimes you have to put it out of your mind to get by ...koko and glad you saw someone ....it must indeed feel like living in an alien world xxx

Same old same old today. Next week am seeing someone with regard to people coming in to help me get out, we'll see.

Night night all BD's.

Doodle Of course, you. above all, can understand worries about DH. I imagine it will take a long time to accept a different life now -obviously, unlike Whiff, I can only imagine. I only know how it was to lose my mum , and that felt terrible. But to lose your other half - I think all of us ,at our age, it's the worse fear we can think of. I'm so sorry. I remember my mum , losing her DH, and the thing she always appreciated so much from all of us, anyone really, was a hug. To need that special hug from your other half, no one can fill. I hope you are sleeping and managing to eat a little. I'm glad you have your friends at church and you managed to get out for an ice- cream with one. Just look after yourself and giving you a gentle hug. X

whiff thank you. I think I haven’t yet accepted this is life now. The thought of never having him hug me again is unbearable. I have to put it out of my mind. I miss him so much. I will have to cope like everyone else.
Sweetpeasue I can understand your worry about DH taking over everything else.
Yes I’ve been for a walk with a friend today.m we sat and had an ice cream in the sun.
I’m sure your dress will be fine and don’t worry about the fascinator it’s not required. Hope the wedding all goes ok.
HVDY that doesn’t look much like a dress to me. No wonder you’re sending it back.
I’m sure it won’t be long before Chubby Chops is walking. It will be lovely holding her little hand as she takes her first steps.
Wyllow you know you are in a safe place here of no judgement. You can post as much or as little as you like. Posting elsewhere is different I get that.
It’s good to see you posting a little more as it helps us to understand a bit what you’re going through. Not seeing or talking to anyone is difficult. Not sure if this is a daft suggestion but do you have a local library? Could you try when next you have someone support you when going out to go there. Just be around some people who won’t necessarily interact with you but just to feel their presence.
Ellie Anne what a beautiful place you live. Your photos are lovely. Yes I understand how things stopping for the summer can cause a problem. Have you thought of an art class. To try and meet new people. I have no talent whatsoever but that doesn’t seem to matter.
Take care all and sleep well x

HVDY There are lots of beautiful large ladies out there-I'm thinking those Dove ads- we're all different- it's how we feel about ourselves and what's the best weight we feel that is. At same time, we have to 'love the skin we're in' too. What a dichotomy! I still want to lose weight though. I'd wear the dress I wore for son 1's wedding but at size 10 that's an impossibility. I think you've been amazing coping with the stroke and all the changes that it caused, I really do.

EllieAnne Thankyou for those lovely photos. You have such gorgeous countryside around you and it makes a huge difference walking in natural surroundings. I like to walk where people don't 'see' me. Hope you've been OK today.
Wyllow Yes , the 'performing' thing is what most people hate but it's a much harder thing to do when we're really rock bottom and I realise almost impossible to do at times.
As for the day dress it will have to be OK but hope it doesn't look as if I've not made an effort( it couldn't be further from the truth!) Not wearing a fascinator - I'd feel silly.
It's very bad not seeing anyone every day for so long and just seeing people walk by is better than nothing. You can notice things and feel a little involved with 'life'. If you could only sit on a park bench or something and watch from an undisturbed place. I realise ,while saying it, it could be too hard . I hope you get the GP appt soon as you will feel better if physical things are addressed and not get worse. About posting on other threads - we ALL 'get ' that here so don't give it a thought or worry. It's better for you to communicate ,however you can, to help you feel grounded with life. I hope you've had a better day. X
Doodle Thinking about you so much and sending love. X

Hope everyone is OK and sorry for those feeling low or worried.
Took aunt out this morning. She seemed more forgetful than ever, repeating many many times. This afternoon been more pain than usual and so worried about DH. I wonder I'd Dr at surgery has put me in 'health anxiety' label . The more we visited about the headaches, the more he's dug his heels in that he doesn't think Temporal Arteritis. Can't do more as DH worried we will make it worse .
DH has been in garden this afternoon. He's v tired but think fresh air has helped.
Take care all and wave to all not mentioned.

Very thoughtful Whiff - following your journey.

Doodle you won't forget. Panic is completely normal for now. Puzzlement. Who am I now, etc. All at sea. All sorts of feelings may or not be ahead - whatever they are - is OK.

Glad you got a dress, it will be there when you need to look "presentable" and treats are good.

Sweetpeasue aw you want it to be OK for the wedding of course - there's the worry of having to "perform" being Ok if it isn't inside...a day dress sounds fine, and sorry OH's problems are unresolved.

HVDY that is one weird picture of a dress! It seems no time since chubby chops was born, and you supported them to keep contact going.

Another day koko. Not seeing a real life person day on day. Waiting to hear of a GP appointment quite a lot wrong as well as MH...but difficulty going out alone, I need more clothes but don't care enough...well you all understand it. It does help posting on some discussion threads a bit (I know people don't always "Get" that) but it's connecting - but my heart has gone to a cold scary place.

EllieAnne I did like the photos yesterday.

Night night BD's may tomorrows be better. Bests also to nadateturbe Scaredycat EllieAnne Candy, Nanny Allsorts and hope I've not forgotten a BD xxx

HVDY I can't make out it's a dress at all! How disappointing. How far we have come from shops selling dresses that we could go and actually see.

*Doodle *Thinking of you, as always. I so admire you for the way you take the time to post on here and care about others. Chubby Chops is walking around the furniture these days.

Sweetpea Sue Glad you bought a dress for the wedding. I've gained about 2st since my stroke and am disgusted with myself. I bought a dress from Yours Clothing, and THIS is how it arrived. It's going back!

Doodle I understand. I just wish I had some words of comfort but I know nothing will do and we can only send you our love.
Yes, I'm panicking about my son's wedding but feel worse about my DH's GP not believing us about suspecting DH has Temporal Arteritis. You're probably right about son's mind being took up by wedding. Glad you got a dress from Next. Not much on high street now. Look after yourself dear Doodle . Oh I think you asked what my husband is making now- model of old thatched scottish cottage done with plaster of Paris. x
* EllieAnne* I've put 1 and a half stone on so haven't been buying anything much till I lost weight-which I haven't done. Hence last min rush. Sent for 3 dresses online which all look awful on me as I thought my shape hadn't changed that much. I've been living in cloud cuckoo land I think. Finally got one from Fatface though it's really more of a day dress. It will have to do. Has shirring around bustline and 3/4 sleeves(a must).Thankyou for caring.
Nadateturbe Hoping things are looking brighter for you and family. Thinking about you.
Wyllow You are doing well to koko and you will get better gradually I'm sure. I hope the huge effort that you're having to make now will seem less and less. X

Oh no I've just lost a long post. Fingertips bit sore so will have to come back later, sigh.

Doodle there will be times when out of the blue grief overwhelms you but just let it. If you fight it you only hurt yourself. Even after 20 years I can be watching the TV and tears fall down my face. I wake in the night talking to my husband. Then of course have to go to the loo but I go straight to sleep. Doddle my dear the world will never right itself. But the love you shared with always be with you love like grief never dies . The loss will only get worse with time but you learn to cope. But take your time no one expects you to act normally. But you will think you do . I learnt that the hard way and if I can help someone not make the same mistakes I did I try to . Time does not heal but it just gives you chance to do things in a different way but your way. I once made 2 mugs of tea one for me and one for my husband this was years after he died. It wasn't very well at the time and I just did what I always did. Then the grief felt like it was crushing me . Your husband is always with you in your heart and mine but he lives on your sons. What has always given me comfort is our children and 5 grandson's have part of my husband's DNA so he lives on.

I did the cross stitch as it makes me smile and my parents taught us to ballroom dance so it's for them and me and my husband before I had to use a stick. Then my dancing days where over. Hope it makes you smile.

Sweetpeasue you don’t have to say anything special to me. I know you all care.
Sorry I should know is this your son who’s getting married who’s distant? Perhaps he’s got a lot on his mind with the wedding. I’ve been panicking too recently and it’s not nice is it.have you tried looking online for something for the wedding?
I’ve just bought a dress from Next. Quite happy with it.
Try not to spoil the pleasure of your son getting married by worrying too much. Sorry your DH is still not being properly treated by the GP.. Hope his appointment in July finds a cause for his problems.
Ellie Anne that’s kind but I’m not brave. I get in a complete panic every now and then. Not much fun for you feeling lonely either is it,
Yes Wyllow we have to koko. Somehow.x
Whiff yes I was with DH as he breathed his last breath too.
A moment embedded in my mind. Yes I talk to DH too. It’s a comfort. Thank you for writing so eloquently about your loss.
I suppose I feel this is a temporary thing till the world rights itself bu I know it’s not. I’ve imagined this day many times but didn’t realise how alone I’d feel. I just pray I’ll remember everything about him and not forget.

Doodle you will feel lonely you have lost half of yourself and will never feel whole again. I am lonely but only for my husband. I am not lonely because I live on my own . It's very early days for you and even though your love of your life the other half of you has died it won't seem real. Well that's how it was and still is for me. When the rage and angry hits you and it will just use it to get through each day. I talked about this before on GN and got slated . Had a PM saying I was wicked but months later the person PMed me and apologised as it had hit her so re read what I had written. When it hit me I did think I was wicked but realised it was part of grief and you have to feel it. I still feel the rage and anger everyday but I use it to get through the day and especially if things are happening in my life. I have used it for over 20 years now .

Life doesn't seem real it's not until the funeral and saw my husband's coffin it was real and would never see him again . Which sounds strange as I saw him die. In fact I told him to stop struggling because even on full oxygen he couldn't breath he was unconscious but knew he could still hear me . I told him we would be ok and to stop he died a few minutes later I still remember the exact time he took his last breath. But there is never an okay.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve or how you deal with it . But I found talking out loud to my husband helps me and always say to people do it. I told my mom to after dad died 3 years after my husband and it helped her right up until the dementia made her forget him.

My husband was a very wise man and he made me keep a series of promises as he knew what I needed to live without him . But we always knew he wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3. We where told we had 5 weeks when he came out of hospital after a fall. He came home on the Wednesday afternoon as we had to have the oxygen delivered and shown how to change the bottles . Our district nurse was there when he came home she said he hasn't got long but I already knew we had days not weeks . He died 1.27pm on the Friday afternoon.

Doodle this is just my own experience and if only one thing helps you then my tears are worth writing this. It's after the funeral you will find who your real friends are and those that truly love and care for you both. And people will expect you to stop grieving after a few months . But there is never any end to grief you just learn to live with it but it can be used for good . Grief is the price we pay for love and to be loved . And it's a price I gladly pay. My husband was and still is my world. Mind you he would go mad if he saw what I use his beloved chisels for.

I am glad you son's are helping as in life death brings a mountain of paperwork. But at the end of the day it's you who has to make all the decisions and it's hard. You don't want to bother with anything but you have to.

I didn't see the point of washing and brushing my teeth but had to otherwise I would have let my husband down. Looking back all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and shut the world out but couldn't. I foolishly thought I had to be brave for everyone else but at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief. But then again at any age until it happens to you ,you don't know how it feels. With me I had the children aged 20 and 16 . Their grief was different from mine I know my daughter misses her dad very much especially as she has her son's . My son did to only hope he still remembers his dad and will tell my 3 grandson's about him. He choose to cut me and our side of the family out of his life but his dad didn't choose to die. Cancer chose for him.

At the moment time will drag and everything will seem unreal . I thought it was like walking through treacle . Hope you understand what I mean . People will see the funeral as the end but it's not it just makes it real . And you have to face the rest of your life alone and only half a person. There is a lull after the funeral as by then everything is in the hands of the solicitor and you have to wait for probate. Then you have to make a new will . Which I know it's the last thing you want to think about but it's very important you do . If you haven't already taken out both powers of attorney please do it when you change your will . Again it's something you don't want to think about but you are older than I was when widowed and with your health problems it's something that must be done. Once done you don't have to think about it again . Yet another thing to tick off the list of things to do.

Remember you can't control who comes to the funeral as it's held in a public building whether that's a church or crem ,but if you are having a wake you can control who you ask to come to it. If there are people you don't want there your son's will make sure if they turn up they don't get in.

Again it's something you don't want to think about but you have to. Until it happened to me I didn't realise how much there was to do and think about when the love of your life dies.

I had been prepared to die first especially since 1988 when my limb jerks started and my pain levels hit the roof. Never dreamed it would be my husband who died first .

I haven't written this Doodle to make you feel worse but in my own rambling way to try and help. I wish someone had told me what to expect. My mother in law could have as she was widowed in 1988 . But we hated eachother and she denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren after my husband died . But because she was family I looked after her for 11 years until she died . But even though I hated both my in laws I couldn't not look after her. We all have to live with our consciousnesses and I couldn't abandon her as without her I wouldn't have had my husband or children. My husband never liked his parents but he loved them so never gave up on them even though they never gave him love or attention he got that from my extended family. So that's why I never gave up on his mom for 11 years after he died. And I know she hated me doing it but it was me who was her emergency contact and I always turned up no matter what. He brother only turned up once she was dead.

I keep all my promises to my husband his mom didn't she promised him to leave her estate equally between the children but she left them a third and a third went to her brother. I didn't find out she had changed her will because she asked me to go with her to make a new will as my husband asked her to . Wasn't until she died I was told by her brother he was executor and she changed her will. As originally it was the children and me as executors and her estate was as my husband wanted.
As you can still that still pisses me off to this day and she died in 2015. She refused to go too both her grandchildren's weddings. That's the sort of woman she was but they never gave up on her either.

Doodle after 20 years I still reach out for my husband in bed. I still slept on my side . Still Mrs as far as I am concerned I am still married even though I am classed as single and hate it. Up until before Christmas I still wore my wedding ring because I have lost 7st it was loose and won't have it tightened as I wanted it left how my husband put it on my finger . I forgot to put on the ring tighter as I didn't wear it in bed . And after shopping got home and found it missing after I taken off my gloves . I had a panic attack . Luckily I phoned the cafe I go to they found it on the floor and knew it was mine. So wear it on a chain but hate not wearing it but I can't risk lossing it would be like my husband dieing again . I know it's a ring but it's a symbol of our love and the vows we made to eachother. As I have said before I am atheist but did get married in church as the only alternative was a grotty registry office. The vicar knew we where atheists but because we believed in the marriage vows and would keep them he altered the service taking out the god bits and no way was I going to say obey. We did have hymns for my parents and there was the lord's pray again for my parents. Saying that I remember getting married but it was like I was looking down on myself and it flew but all I really remember about the service was my husband smiling through it. This year was the first year I didn't think about our wedding anniversary I forgot it until the day afterwards.

You have all the firsts and probably already have and some to come and it's hard but it will be for years. Doodle take care of yourself and Mr D will be trying his wings out so look out for feathers in your home. Sending you big hugs 🤗.

Read your days so have caught up
One of those days struggle to want to koko, I know others feel it sometimes.

Just wanted to say Doodle naturally, a strange void for you indeed - everything has been such a strain and now loss of dear MrD.

Back tomorrow and sending love to BD's with all the struggles.

Sweet pea Sue remember what I was like about my son’s wedding and it all went ok in the end. I wasn’t mad about the dress but it hid the bulges and has hung in the wardrobe since. I got it on line as I couldn’t face going to shops
Why not order a few to try?
Doodle you are being very brave. I think eventually you will find things to do and get into a routine but for now you need a be kind to yourself. I’m so glad you have family around you.
Hvdy I am in a housing estate too but there are several places I can walk to and many more if I take the car.
My cat is fine now thank you. I wish I knew what caused his illness but just hope it doesn’t happen again. Fortunately his insurance paid most of it.
What does your little stray look like?