Black dog 21

Wyllow3 if you don't feel like talking to anyone, can you write here, talk to us about how you are feeling? It might help. Do you not see any Quaker friends now?x

Doodle It's worrying waiting and hoping DH gets his op soon. No wonder you aren't sleeping. Sending love.x

Whiff I can imagine how much love there was in your extended family, nice way to grow up. My children had that too. Love is more important than having lots of money, as long as you have enough of course.
Enjoy your classes, classes are a great way to have company.
I hope you have a lovely holiday. It's been quite a while so I'm sure you're excited.
Glad you're recovered well. Shingles can vary a lot. You were fortunate.

HVDY another lovely family gathering, you lucky lady!
I don't like getting haircut either but always feel better.
I remember you saying some time ago about heat affecting your legs? It can't be pleasant for you thinking of warmer weather coming.

Doodle Looked back over your post and see your DH's op meant to be next week. No good me saying don't worry as I would be the same, I know. It's so unfair you both having all this last year to cope with so much. There has to be light at the end. You have our thoughts, best wishes and prayers. Plus the whole summer for you both to recuperate and hopefully have some better days together , perhaps walking by your river. A big hug from me. Xx

Hope this works. Spring flowers to cheer.

Sweetpeasue Of course, the steroids are a long-term thing, I forgot. The BP problem is very complicated. I hope they sort it. I hope DH is enjoying the fresh air.
I buy Lidls sourdough, its nice, I just thought homemade would be even better. It's supposed to be the best bread to eat.
Tokens were a great farewell gift, my DH got a Waterford crystal dish, pretty useless object which I keep trying to relegate unsuccessfully to a cupboard.

Just read your last post and it made me laugh. Sorry. I think you've done the right thing, and been very brave to do it. If we don't try, we will never know if we can do something. I am intending to book a ferry to Scotland when the weather is better. The worst that can happen is you don't make it and possibly waste some money. But if you make it and even partly enjoy it, you will feel wonderful that you did it. And if you are ill, they have doctors in the Lake District too. And it's something to look forward to.
Just my opinion, others might disagree.

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Oh thanks Nadateturbe. We'd love to go to Scotland- beautiful place.

Just tried to send photos- I'm hopeless.

Sweetpeasue love the flowers so pretty.
Do so hope you get your holiday in the Lake District and can enjoy it, such a lovely place.
nadateturbe you always write such nice things to people. How are you doing yourself?
Whiff knowing what DH has been through i can’t imagine how tough it must have been for you trying to find out what was wrong. How terrified you must have been being apart from your children. You are a wonderful you. Glad you found yourself again.
HVDY hope you had a lovely lunch with family and your legs didn’t spoil things for you.
Scaredycat sorry to hear about your niece. What a worry for you all. Your sister doesn’t need the extra worry either. Hope she is keeping well.
Ellie Anne hope you have found something nice to do this weekend, beach walk maybe the weathers been nice.
Candy now you’ve retired will you spend longer at your caravan?
Wyllow Nanny thinking of you both.

Sorry I’ve not caught up properly. My mind is all over the place at the moment and I can’t relax. So worried about DH being in hospital he hates it so much yet worried also that they might not do the op as his leg is so bad. Shoulder aches but I’m not feeling too bad, Take care all x

ScaredyCat Yes, my legs get worse in the heat, or if I stand or sit (with them down) for any length of time. It's to do with the blood vessels. Whatever happens, I won't take steroids again like last year. How's your day been? It was mild but windy here.

Doodle I hope you're beginning to feel better, and I hope the operation goes well for your husband. You two have been through such a lot, yet you still ask about everyone else. You're a lovely lady.

SweetpeaSue Well done. Booking a break away might be just what you need. You deserve a nice holiday. The flowers are pretty.

nadateturbe How was your day today? I don't look forward to the hot weather, but I'll have to just get on with it. I certainly won't take steroids again, and the Rheumatologist has discharged me. I burn/get freckly in summer. Do you like sunbathing?

It was a lovely day - far too much buffet food, and they'd decorated the place with balloons and banners. We ARE very lucky, I know that. Son1 cut DH's hair (he hasn't had it cut for 2 years and it was shoulder-length), and we all told him how much younger he looks . We had some great joint presents, and have been spoilt. Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening x

Doodle I really feel for you.I hope your DH can get his operation done as he's waited quite a long time now. No wonder you feel so anxious. I hope your shoulder gets better - would anti-inflammatories help for a few dys?
I'm so sorry you're going through all this worry. There's only so much that is in our hands and you are doing as much as you can. Sending love .

Thanks both. Sweetpeasue I’m on two different antibiotics at the moment to make sure there’s no infection in the wound and to help get rid of fluid in the lung. I’m not really in any bad discomfort just I’m aware of having an ache in my shoulder when I move and a bit sore from the wound.
HVDY DH can’t put his feet up as it causes too much pain. I’m sure his legs would be better if he could. Please do what Annie said and always keep walking. Don’t want to see anyone in the state DH is in (not that not walking caused his problem)

Oh I see Doodle So sorry , I wasn't quite sure about the aftermath of your operation and thought you meant a frozen shoulder or something. I think about you and pray you and your DH will be much better when you have both got over these operations. I think you are much stronger than you realise - I don't know how I would cope ,yet its strange how, when we have no choice we just do. Take care of yourself and believe that you will both get through this. Much love. Xx 🌹

Sorry Scaredycat my eyes gave up when I got to you! Talk tomorrow.
Hope everyone has a peaceful night xx

Read today and much sympathy being sent out to all - doodle hoping the operations can bring relief.

I'll try to explain but this is severe MH stuff.

No I have cut off from family and Quakers. I do this when I am very ill. It's like things are so scary inside I cant keep anything normal with those who care. As if it hurts too much to do that. I'm finding it so difficult to just self care, shower, dress, eat, get out.. and...have to distract not face things - still lots of awful feelings from break up from coercive abuse stuff but cant process where I am atm.

Cant tell people just how bad I feel for fear it will do them damage. Drag them down and it would be my fault. Self hate. I manage to reply to whatsapps etc.

And feel negative feelings like "go away" and resentments tho its counter productive..its the nature of my MH problems, not the first time, but with less MH support. thats the best I can do to explain. xx

hello BD's I hope I haven't put you off posting xx

No, Wyllow3. It's good that you talked to us. Back later. xx

Thanks for reassurance - as you were!

Sorry Wyllow. Be back soon after meds kick in. X

Thanks Wyllow for trying to explain how you feel. Never feel afraid of talking here. It's OK -no matter what you have to say.

It's concerning you've cut off from family and Quakers as you've cut down any drawbridge. So sorry the MH support is so patchy and scarce. I'm wondering if the meds you are getting are satisfactory or they just take longer to 'work'? It must be worse for you this time round because of your break up and the abuse.
The self hate must be terrible to get away from ,partly because of your ex.
All of the stuff he said about you is completely untrue and has done further damage - he was wanting to hurt you and he would know your sensitive spots. He mustn't succeed Wyllow. You have helped so many people in the past by campaigning for those weaker or in poor situations.
Everyone has vulnerabilities and we all need to forgive ourselves for them, even when it's difficult.
I've no words to that you won't already know. You are an extremely bright and intelligent person.
You are doing the right thing by keeping up with the very basic things --dressing/washing/eating ect and that will help you to just keep going every day so that's a huge thing when you are struggling. They are great achievements when you are so low and things feel pointless. The negative feelings and pushing people away , only natural after your ex has hurt you so much.
I know nothing I say can make a big difference but I want you to believe that you are worth a lot and don't listen to the self hate stuff .
You are cared for here and you have much to offer.

Keep fighting for yourself and don't give the past bad memories from your ex any room in your head.

Sorry if I've just said stupid rubbish stuff. Just know that I care. We all do Wyllow. I wish I knew how to make you care about yourself but you matter in this world.
Much love and a huge, huge hug.. xxx

SweetPeaSue- it’s brilliant you have booked a Lake District break. You are so doing the right thing. I was petrified about going away not so long ago- I catastrophisd about anything and everything that could happen especially being so far from home. All those hours of worrying were a waste of time - it was all lovely and so glad we had that time with DD and SiL.
As you say you can only try. Just think of that lovely place and you are right better to be surrounded by all that beauty taking your meds!! In fact it will give you confidence I,m sure. You are still the same people just not as strong as you were.
Such a kind post for Wyllow - I,agree with all you said.
Nadateturbe- I hope you get to Scotland once the weather is
better. Have you been before? It looks beautiful and somewhere we would love to go.
Doodle- your mind is working overtime isn’t it- you want DH to have his Op but know that he will hate it in Hospital. It’s so unfair because he really enjoyed his walking. Not being able to put his feet up must be so wearying. Do hope it all goes well.
You are so selfless about your own discomfort- try and rest well you mean a lot to,us all.
Thank you for asking about my sister- she is doing well but I think the worry about all 3 of her grown up children is taking its toll. She is like you she always thinks of others never herself.
Hope you sleep well tonight.
HVDY- what a great day you,ve all had. You both deserve to be spoilt you are such lovely parents. Even a hair cut thrown in- that’s a long time to go without one- he must feel so different.
I guess keeping moving quite often is the way to go for your legs - it’s a pain about the heat though. I burn really easy too - even through jeans if it’s really strong😩 Would it help to put your feet in cool water when it’s hot?
Wyllow- so glad you were able to talk to us - it was very brave of you. You are stronger than you think- it requires great effort to just do the day to day things when your confidence has been eroded by such cruelty.
SweetPeaSue has put it really well and I echo everything she says. We all care about you so much - you are our friend and love to hear from you. The people who matter are those who love you and believe me you are worth loving.

Take care all and wishing a peaceful nights sleep

A kind and thoughtful post, Sweetpeasue and others accepting me just as things are atm. I do read all despite not saying much xx

Scaredycat So glad your sister's health is much better now, you must be so relieved ,though sorry about her family worries. I hope things get better for them and of course your neice. Our holiday feels unwise right now( been an awful day) but thankyou. Its meant to be just 3 nights ( booked5 as was same price) and we know the cottage as been there twice before. On its own at end of lane and the fields to rear of garden should be full of sheep n lambs, hopefully. I'm so glad your holiday was so good with your DD and SIL.Lovely memories for you.
HVDY Hope you've been OK today and legs not too bad last night.
Doodle How have you been today. Hope shoulder not too uncomfortable and last night not too bad for you both.
Nadateturbe How have you been?You always have such kind words for everyone. My sister likes holidays in the Highlands .We've never been so far up but all of Scotland has it's gems.
EllieAnne Are you OK? Not heard from you lately.
Wyllow Doesn't matter if you don't say much. Just glad you are here. You are much cared about.

Very longlasting pain all day today which is quite unusual. Felt very disillusioned about it as I've been laid up nearly all day. Bladder the problem so lots of painkillers which take time. Might need to anticipate pain beforehand -it's striking right balance.
Anyway hope everyone is not too bad and hoping worries can be put in a box for a little break.

Hello all. Wishing you all peace, whatever you are struggling with xxx

Sweetpeasue as you say when we have no choice we just have to get on and do it. I think we all have that sort of strength when it comes to family. Been a long day today dressing change, pre op for DH and a long drive to the hospital and back.
Wyllow thank you for trying to give us an idea of how you are. I’m concerned you’re not a getting the MH support you need. Are you trying to protect your family from learning how bad things are for you? Please, please don’t hate yourself. I know someone else (close) who didn’t like themselves and yet there was so much goodness and loving inside. Things have happened to you beyond your control don’t hate yourself for what has happened. Try and show yourself some kindness. You are a good person . Sending you love and a hug and thanks for sharing. x
Sweetpeasue caring and lovely post to Wyllow wish I could have put it so eloquently .
Scaredycat I’m not so selfless as your sister. I do worry about myself a lot in that I worry about my family. Don’t want any of them to be hurt or harmed. Really concerned how DH will cope in hospital but knowing he needs this operation.
Sorry your sister has concerns re all her children. Hope this doesn’t bring her own health down. Hope you are keeping well yourself and enjoying a bit of the warmer weather.
HVDY how have your legs been today? How old is Chubby Chops now? Is she pulling herself up in things yet. I love the exploring age.
Sweetpeasue have you ever tried taking basic pain meds regularly rather than only when the pain comes on. DH is taking paracetamol and codeine every 6 hours. That’s his base then occasional oxycodone mostly at night.
Really tired now. Sleep well all. Wyllow so glad you’re sticking with us. Always post as much or as little as you like.