" I suppose I'm waiting for the next awful thing." One does rather Kate
I am lucky I do have counselling support. And meds do help so I now have no problems taking the, If I were diabetic, I would: if I had a heart condition, I would: pragmatic about a number of years. Most importantly we can have conversations about stuff like this these days not possible just a few years ago because of fears of being labelled.
I used to be able to make big decisions with if not total confidence but the ability to carry them through, but certainly ballsed up with the Ex, so very wary about good judgement.