DH suffering disappointed in friends

I think many of us can understand the feeling of being let down and empathise.
To be charitable - you may be projecting such a good image of coping, that they don’t realise, but I agree, people should not have to be reminded how to be a good friend, whether in need or when things are going well. They may also be the type of person who (IMO selfishly) claims they are “no good” around illness.
I think you may need to take the bull by the horns- at a time when you are not feeling too angry or disappointed - and ring them up, say how frustrated/bored/anxious DH is being and how he might like company or distracting so would they (or just the husband) like to pop round for half an hour or so for a cup of tea and cake and pin them down to a specific day or even suggest that one of his friends keeps him company while you have to pop out.
Paw was a much- loved and popular man, but when he was in hospital I could count on the fingers of one hand the men friends who would ever visit him. Then somebody said they assumed I was always there and didn’t like to intrude (as if!)
So I see exactly where you are coming from, your expectations are absolutely not too high and you would certainly behave in a more considerate manner in their shoes.
So swallow your pride (and your true opinions which I would share) and give them a nudge, your DH need never know and they may even come round to being true friends.

It's possible they aren't wanting to intrude and are wanting to give you space. Or maybe are uncomfortable and don't know how to handle the situation. Or it's to do with Covid concerns. It's always disappointing when these things happen and we find out who our real friends are.

What about calling them and inviting them for a cuppa? You could tell them it's been stressful with your husband's illness and you'd appreciate their company. See what the response is.

We've had something similar but with family not friends. When our teenage nephew was dying and was in hospital for many weeks, my sister said she couldn't visit him as it would upset her. Never mind his poor parents sitting there day and night. I went every single day. They needed support. Illness and adversity bring out your true supporters.

I really sympathise with you, as this is exactly what happened when my husband became very ill. And one of the disappearing was his best friend and wife who he had been with since college days.
We continued to send a Christmas card and they finally got in touch two years later when they thought he had fully recovered!
When they said “How are you?” I said something like “You know we’ve had a terrible two years.He’s been so ill and I’m exhausted. I don’t know what I would have done without really good friends who’ve helped and supported me.”

And then went silent for them to respond, which they did with excuses about being busy. I listened and then said I had to go.

To be honest, I didn’t really have anything to say to them. Life had changed too much. End of friendship?

Peasblossom

You’re a much nicer person than me MayBeMaw, Actually I think your advice is much better than mine and much more gracious.

Ignore me OP. I’m still a little sour about it?

I think a lot of people only care about themselves. One of my sons has been seriously ill since August and my best friend has never asked how he is. In fact the only 2 people who have asked have been long distance friends.Thankfully he got good news at the weekend and is recovering.

I agree kircubbin which is why we don't really have friends (from choice). We've never felt the need. I'm glad your son is improving.

I have lived with illnesses since 1973, and have lost count of the number of people who have become estranged for this reason, largely through my own choice to cease contact too though, to avoid this hurt. The strange thing for me is I live a really great life, (now with 83 diagnosed illnesses/conditions), do far more than many 'well' friends and spend half my life asking after others. I actually learned from two friends that others 'hated' how I achieved so much & was so cheery with all I am up against!! It made them feel BAD - can you believe it?

83 diagnosed illnesses!! Is that a typo?

So sorry to hear that FindingNemo, my mother found the same when my father died years ago. I've seen friends run from bad news too.
I think a lot of people have a fear of contamination either of the illness itself or having to listen, these days everyone wants to live forever and not be reminded that they won't.
More kindly, as with deaths, some people just don't know what to say. Hope things improve for you both.

I just think some people find it easier than others to know what to do.
When I was going through treatment the most unexpected friends would turn up on the doorstep with flowers and books whereas those who I thought were closer to me did not come.
I was just happy to see those who came and accepted that some did not feel they could.

Now my treatment is over I still see all my friends.

MayBeMaw has been very supportive of plenty on Gransnet on many occasions. Very sound advice and caring which I am sure is very welcome.
I have dropped so called friends over the years because they turned out to be only interested in themselves.
Take on board the good advice you have been given and hopefully your friends will come around with some support?

So many things could be in play here
1. People may not want to burden you and are giving you space
2. They may think you are coping with the situation just fine
3. They do not live this everyday and they do not know how much support you need - have you told them their contact is welcome?
4. People may run from difficult situations
5. They may not know the situation is as serious as it is
6. They could be protecting you from covid and other illnesses
7. They may not want to bring it up thinking it is going to upset you
Etc

Reach out to them and make your wishes known.

Sadly, in situations like this, you discover who your true friends are.

FindingNemo15 I hope your husband has his operation soon and things start to improve for you both.

Sadly some people are just not very caring. Fair weather friends I call them. To be honest I don't think saying anything to them would help the situation or make you feel better.

Give your husband a hug from all of us instead ?

True friends ask if you want help and abide by what you say When one of my best friends became mentally ill she didn’t feel like meeting anyone, so for nearly two years I wrote her letters (she didn’t even want to talk on the phone) she’s been fine for a few years now but told me the letters were a very big support to her
Never give up on friends but always be guided by what they need not what you feel you want to give (which in your case findingnemo is nothing

I know how disappointing this can be having experienced it myself when dd and dh were very ill. My oldest friend is no longer a friend after she virtually ignored the whole situation.
I don’t miss her as I realise she was only there fir the good times and was absent when times got tough, that to me us not a friend,
Wishing you and your dh well, kircubbin and dd too.

Sorry * kircubbin* I meant ds but this device has its own mind.

When my Mother died, I called one of her so called friends to let her know and listened to half an hour of how sorry she was that she hadn't visited Mum in hospital, care home, or even when she was still at home. She was obviously expecting me to 'forgive her' and be understanding, but I wasn't and just abruptly told her when the funeral was to be. Having lost my Mother, the last thing I felt like doing was making someone else feel better for their neglectful and selfish attitude. I understand that some people cannot cope with hospitals, but as this woman hadn't even popped in to see Mum at home, despite a couple of polite phone calls inviting her to do so, I wasn't very forgiving.

I have had a similar issue with my children; my DH has Lewy Body Dementia and I am his sole carer, dealing with feeding, washing, dressing, toiletting etc 24/7/365. We moved to be near our daughter and her family last November, also under an hour from our son. As DH cannot walk, I also do all household jobs and maintenance as well as dealing with financial and health matters.
My daughter asked what we wanted for Christmas and I said one day off a month, with DS & DD caring for their Dad between them.
The response was that we would need to pay for carers to come in as they were "too busy". I spent the next day in tears as we cannot get carers in for the long day off I envisaged to allow me to go to London (an hour away) for shopping, sightseeing and to finish off with a show, so late home. I am now rethinking and contemplating just an evening at the theatre from time to time. Family conference soon to discuss.
Caring is exhausting - if people have never had to do it, I don't think they realise how welcome a visit/break would be to both the carer and the cared for.

My partner lost a leg a couple of years ago. Since then people we regarded as friends have disappeared into the woodwork. He was very into outdoor pursuits and with some support can still follow most of his hobbies, but the invitations to group events and weekends away have fallen off noticeably - it’s as if people are frightened they may be asked to help and won’t cope, when in reality he’s fiercely independent and won’t accept help unless he’s really struggling. It’s made him sad. People can be so thoughtless.

No your expectations are not too high it’s despicable! I know how you feel, when my dad became disabled in middle age, he could still take himself out for a walk, but couldn’t speak, many a time he came back really upset that some of his so called friends had crossed over the road to avoid him. It used to break my heart.

My DH's family are firmly of the opinion that in a crisis, even during serious illness, the last thing they want is people ringing up, offering to visit, asking what they need.
They regard this as intruding, and having to respond to them as 'work' they could do without.
They want 'peace and quiet' and only their own company to sort out what they need. This even applies to those who are alone.

I disagree (DH and I compromise on our friends, and family get treated according to whether they are his or mine) and I am sure that good friends should know your attitude to life. But others may come from the same page as my in-laws.

I dropped a number of “friends” once my DH died. They weren’t there for us and I couldn’t bring myself to forgive them.