Isolation

Monica: " I would never negate the importance of casual encounters."

Thanks, I agree.

Thank you all for your advice / help. I have decided to concentrate first to get my little flat decorated - that would make me feel better & then perhaps join some organisation that I would be interested in - I do love art ( not that good) but I do find it so relaxing or join a bowling club - I may look at a solo holiday with SAGA for next year as always wanted to visit Parts of China or India - I do love animals too - would love to go on another safari (last one I went on was with my husband who sadly passed away 2008) - could even do some voluntary work perhaps with RSPCA ? I do still work full time with NHS but lately I get so tired - I NEED to lose weight too - I NEED to get a grip and thank my blessings rather then hiding away from world but some days are good but when they are bad they are bad - thank you all once again xxx it does help at times to vent your emotions

Alexa I would never negate the importance of casual encounters. I enjoy them. You have a brief encounter, often an interesting conversation, and then go your ways.

I became very aware of this with my MiL who had lived in the same village all her life. All her social world, except family was in the street, people she had known all her life, they would chat when they met in the street, Post Office or Co-op and move on. Going down to the Co-op was a long journey because of all the passing chats.

The problem was when you can no longer go out, your social life disappears. No one will visit you at home because the never have.

I have quite consciously joined organisations where I can participate and be useful. I have belonged to one organisation for 40 years and on the committee for 30. I know all committee members well, but our contact is limited to our common interest and that is fine by me. We are genuinely interested in each other and pleased to meet up, but have little contact between meetings.

I think we self contained people need to be sensible and realise that despite our withdrawing instincts, human contacts and conversation are a basic necessity like food and drink and just develop means of getting that human contact in ways that suit us. I have a core of family and perhaps 3 or 4 friends and I consciously cultivate them, as I do my wider network of acquaintances. It means that by looking after myself this way I can relax when I want to withdraw into my shell.

You are right, Anniebach. I have done as you imply and on balance have found socialising efforts to be not worth the emotional distress of rejection or boredom. I like a lot of the people I meet in casual encounters but would not want to spend a lot of time with them.

Special interest groups seem more promising than casual encounters with neighbours or relations. U3A for instance. However nearly all the people I meet at U3A don't seem to seek the sort of friendships I remember from childhood and girlhood.
Voluntary work is much like U3A in that the volunteer meets other people and enjoys the company but the company lasts as long as the volunteer stint and no longer.

To choose being alone is fine but take care, there is the risk that it will cease to be a choice

Not really.

Just remember:

FINE = F****d up; Insecure; Neurotic; Egotistic!

Hope that helps!!

I can so empathise with you, Anneishere. I feel many of the things that you feel. These days I think I am better off alone and yet am sometimes lonely. But I don't mix well.
I think lots of others share this feeling to some extent.
Life is not easy for us square pegs in round holes.

Another self-contained person. Yesterday I saw someone I knew in the supermarket, my instinct was to walk on and hope they wouldn't see me, but I gritted my teeth and stopped and we had a brief conversation, I walked away feeling quite cheered - as I always do, when I speak to people, and wondering about why I have this instinctive withdrawal feeling.

In recent years I have tried to overcome it and the experience has been positive. I have made one very good friend as a result. But the instinct still kicks in, would it be intrusive to phone, would an email be better, should I suggest a meeting. I know it is silly and ridiculous, but it is instinctive.

I think it is partly childhood experience. I didn't mix with other children, there were none round us, until I started school and throughout childhood, both adults and other children thought I was odd and made that clear and that has continued, although less markedly in adulthood. As a child I also had a medical condition that made me wary as if other children found out I got bullied over it.

But I still think the need to keep myself to myself is instinctive. DD has the same instinct and has actually chosen to stay single and childless as she doesn't think she could cope with the demands of living with someone. She has a circle of close friends and is sociable but not clubbable. Both of us prefer to be sociable on a one to one basis to going out in groups.

I have a similar problem - I only live about 40 minutes from all of my siblings and their children but do they come to my house? Nope, despite being invited ! The last time my sister came here was after I was ill, 7 years ago!
They all live in a different county to mine, my younger brother and sister and their OH's get together for a takeaway at least once a month - and then post it on FB , saying what a good time they have had. Are my DS or myself invited? Nope!
When we do all get together, about 3 times a year, they talk about football (have no interest) dogs (Ihave a cat), or schools ( 1 niece a teacher, 1 brother a retired teacher, sister teaching assistant and other niece has 2 school age children) and whenever I start a different subject, I either get talked over or ignored.
Quite honestly I wish I could win the lottery and just buy a house the other end of the country!
Since I was made redundant and unable to get a job (believe me I have tried). I cannot afford to go out - benefit just covers rent and council tax so no social life there either. Without my friends on FB, one lives 3 hours away, others in Turkey, Holland and Australia, I could go for days without speaking to anyone during daylight hours!
Maybe Anneishere you need to find people with similar interests - whether on FB, here or enquiring locally at a library or any local newsletters and not worry so much about your family? So then maybe your life won't be wrapped around the rest of your family. Might be worth a try!

PS I am not much use on Facebook either as I don't even have a phone that takes photos.

Annieishere, same here!

I was not a loner as a child, and I always had chums . I never was a groupy person even as a child, and from what I can remember other girls were not groupy either despite being made to play team games.

The fault is often our chronological age when so many contemporaries have either died, decamped to Australia, or cut themselves off from us by being spouses.

It's entirely normal to feel lonely, but to emain true to yourself and be isolated from meaningless and needy associations with others.

Firstly don’t worry about being labelled a bore, I can’t stand football and all my family love it, you say you don’t want to mix, Are you feeling depressed or have anxiety the reason I’m asking is, I am little bit similar to you, half the time I don’t want to mix but mines not because I have isolation issues, mines because I can’t be bothered I’m happy at home doing what I want to do, when I want, Have you got any friends, what are your interests? I think the first step is to gradually find something you like to do that would involve you having to go outside your home, as you say you are feeling lonely and fed up with yourself but if you feel you could have depression etc then it would be a good idea to go to see your dr for check up, and go from there, I wish you the best of luck Annieishere and hope you will feel happier soon take care

Is it socialising you dislike or just being with other people?
I assume at some point in your life you have worked and had to mix to a degree.
If you had a volunteer role it may be easier to socialise as you will have a purpose.
I have a SIL who is a complete misery and anti social.
She makes me feel uncomfortable when I am in her company so I make very little effort with her.
The reality is she is a probably like yourself and just doesn’t like to mix.

I am very much like you, but rarely feel lonely. If I do socialize I can't wait to get home, and like you do not drink alcohol.
I have a very outgoing neighbour who has decided that it is her mission in life to get me out and about. I am afraid I have had to be quite blunt with her, I hope she is beginning to get the message, but I do try to avoid her.
As for Facebook, some of those happy occasions are an illusion, don't read about them!
I did used to belong to a walking group which was good for me to be in company but I could chose whether to chat or walk alone. Perhaps that is something you could consider?

Annishere I can totally empathise with you. I have a loving husband and family but have always felt alone. I feel 'safe' when I'm at home but I also get very lonely.
I am trying to change this. I have very recently become a volunteer at our local hospital and this morning I am having coffee with a lady I have never met before. I am forcing myself to do things that scare me but I feel if I don't do something now I will never change.
It is up to you to take that first step as I have realised that no one else will do it for you.
I wish you well .

I think Bluebelle has given some good advice and there is nothing wrong with liking your own company but I agree, feeling lonely at times is miserable.
Perhaps you've never really explored what you do like as everyone you do know kinda goes with the crowd and you're just not in the 'right crowd' for you. Amateur dramatics or a choir might be more you than football, it's part of a group but not everything is centre stage is it.
Or maybe education, remember Educating Rita ? she was so different to the family and friends she knew and wanted different things for herself.

Hi there. In many ways it's a great strength to be able to cope with being alone. Please don't beat yourself up about it.
One thing about Gransnet ........ you are never alone.

I do think everyone being happy is an illusion too whether on fb or in real life If you ask someone how they are most people say Fine even if they have a leg dropping off (there s always the exception who tells you their life history in exchange for that question)
There are extroverts and introverts and there s a huge mix of people who are a bit of both I often feel I m my own worst enemy as I seem bright bubbly full of confidence and an organiser to all outside my head but I ve had to work so hard at this it’s not natural at all and my real inside me is introverted, a bit lonely, and never putting myself forward It’s been blooming hard work, a life’s work indeed
You re not interested in football but what are you interested in I d look at my strengths and maybe join a small group with shared interests or better still my old mantra do some voluntary work There is nothing like chasing away the blues than doing something to help someone else it gives you a good feeling it really does
Good luck