Partner's outbursts

Sounds like he has a problem with anger management. as you choose to ignore it, he is taking it as a green flag to continue. Your son is imitating this behaviour as for him it's perfectly normal. I would suggest that you go together to see your GP and ask for some help. I would also have concerns that this behaviour could escalate from verbal to physical abuse. You need to take action to protect your son too.

The problem is that you would/could not dare to suggest that he needs to see somebody. Only people who have been in this situation understand what I mean. I eventually left him to it.

Thanks Daisymae. It is the speed with which his mood changes that make me think it is some sort of personality disorder. I cannot pinpoint what triggers the outbursts. It is not like normal anger because the say the most random and awful things.

What an awful atmosphere ! Pick a more quiet moment and ask some questions as to why this is happening because if you don't it'll just continue.

It sounds like his son is using learned behaviour. He sees how his father acts and takes that as an acceptable role model.

I think a frank discussion with your husband is necessary, even if he can’t/ won’t curb his own behaviour surely he can see that is not how he wants his son to behave?

No , Im sorry but does he do this outside the home? It could be down to anxiety or depression if he was like this with other people. If it is just you, I think Id be inclined to sit them both down and say if the outbursts and vitriol do not stop. They can find themselves someone else to take their nastiness out on. Im not so sure why this behaviour is happening, but if this is only directed at you, is the illness being used as an excuse? Only you could answer that. I knew someone who was aggressive with depression, but it was directed at everyone, not just one person. The situation for that person improved with a change of medication. As one person said, perhaps a visit to your GP with all of you. Id be wary of your son picking up the idea that it is ok to treat his mother like this. If you don't get this sorted and assert yourself, either with the help of GP or not, you will all be storing up big problems for the future. You are only treated the way you let others treat you. I dont think any illness should be used as an excuse to treat people like this.

It seems unsurprising that your son is anxious if he lives with these outbursts from his dad.
He does not have the ability you have to let them pass and has now started following suit.

Can you speak to your husband about this, when he is calm?
Or speak to the GP, on your own, about the whole situation.

It really isn't fair that your son has to live with someone like this. However anxious and depressed your partner may be - he is an adult and has responsibilities to provide a nurturing environment for his child (and his partner).

I'm afraid I would not put up with it unless he starts to take responsibility for the situation.

Sadly, he does it to frighten or bully you because he knows he can get away with it.

Bullies always pick their targets carefully.

They know some people would stand up to them and they don’t try it on with them do they?

Don’t worry Urmstongran. I can hold my own in an argument but I am not predisposed to make the personal and hurtful remarks he does. I find it very childish. He has had s meltdown in front of our close friends and the lady challenged his attitude. He was quite rude but did subsequently apologise. In a way I was glad someone else had seen this behaviour though it was embarrassing.

Do you have plans for how to help your son, seasider?

Is there any chance of you (safely) filming one of his outbursts and then letting him see what it looks like to other people?

Hi Far north . I have spoken to my son about the possibility of counselling but so far he is very resistant. I hope to persuade him to speak to someone. I obviously can't turn to his dad for support with any parenting issues. I have thought about trying to record my partner SueDonim as I don't think he believes how bad he is .

Seasider be careful that anything like ricording him when he has a rage could result in further outbursts if not violence. All this advice is OK if you have never experienced the situation otherwise you would realise it's impossible.

Could it be early onset dementia?

seasider, I'd guess your son is aware that his dad's tempers are at least partly the cause of his own emotional difficulties.

Naturally he'd not want to focus on himself as having a problem while still having to live in a volatile situation.

Can you speak to your GP about the whole situation and its effects on you and your son, as a start.