Can I just share a secret with you all please?

Just a thought, might he be interested in an allotment? It doesn't need to be a full one, half plots are also available. There's virtually no waiting list in our area, (I'm reduced to going round asking, "Do you know anyone who might like an allotment?")

The thing is, there is a purpose to being there. Many people are complete beginners, luckily weeding, digging and sowing seeds are fairly simple (sowing seeds instructions are on the packet). Surprisingly seeds grow!. He doesn't need to make friends, but they'll slowly find him! People are uncommonly generous, offering seedlings, advice or just chat about the weather. The exercise is good for him, a place where he can be quiet, a purpose and he doesn't have the painful experience of having to talk to strangers without a topic.

Huge Respect Xx

Well done that is amazing x Maybe you could join a heath centre/spa place. I hate the gym but our local holiday inn has a leisure centre with pool sauna etc. It gives me somewhere to go and a bit of converation.

I joined the local council gym - cheap and not very chic but by the time I've got there and done my set of exercises I have time to notice lots of couples playing table tennis and there is a senior citizens class for general exercise. Could you persuade him to join?

Well done Ella - not an easy thing to do. Does your husband drink at all? It can make things more difficult if there is alcohol in the house. What do you do with him - you say he asks 'What are we doing today?' Is it anything that he could do on his own - ie - taking the dog for a walk/doing some shopping/gardening? What does he like doing? Maybe you could set him on a path - my grandfather loved trains and jigsaw puzzles and was able to combine the two by doing complicated puzzles of trains! That kept him out of my grandmother's hair!

Well done Ella keep it up. When my husband passed away 2yrs ago after 53yrs of marriage I became lonely all though family around when the evening came and on my own it was awful. But I turned to food the fattening the better.. Just got to a size 22 and realised what am I doing. Needed company tried different clubs but not for me being a business women all my working life. So I joined a dating site for 1 month.The day I was due to finish a man came on site right age really funny profile so took a chance on a coffee date. Terrified wasn't the word. But he was so nice understood as his wife passed away after 45 yrs marriage. Well we have been together now for 3 months a new life for me his family are happy and so are mine. We will marry next year to the delight of everyone so Ella things get better but you have to make the effort. I wish you all the best.

Old habits die hard but you had the will power to change your ways and should feel proud of yourself.

Oh dear EllaKeat. I almost understand why you started drinking. ,but great that you have decided to stop.I have been widowed for over 10 years so am free to choose what I do. If my late DH had been like yours I would have found it difficult to stay with him. Why are so many men still dependent on their wives or partners and can’t seem to cope with basics in the home. My DH and I did quite a lot together, but also made sure we had some separate interests. Thank goodness as this made making a new life for myself a little easier when DH died very suddenly. Make sure you do still go out on your own sometimes and encourage your DH to grow up . Sorry this sounds like a sermon,but such a controlling DH is not being fair to you -or to himself.

Well done. That is really good and I k ow it can't have been easy. Even though you have stopped I would urge you to get some help in real life to make sure it doesn't start again. Maybe AA or a similar organisatuon so you can talk about your issues. A good friend of mine is an alcoholic and it started with just a few drinks to get through the day the just escalated and before anyone realised she was addicted. She has never dealt with the underlying issues but you have time and can
Retirement can be hard I agree but there are things out there if you look for it.

Well done you! It takes guts to admit you have a problem, but once you’ve done that it’s easier with help from friends, wherever they may be!. A friend of mine is going through the same thing....she’s two months down the line now and has even survived a hen weekend. You can do this too!
Is there something you could do together, but separately if you know what I mean...like volunteering somewhere. I think we all need a break from our other halves, but it doesn’t help if they then feel left out.

My younger sister has a real problem but will not admit it. She 'opens the bar' at lunch time, then continues to drink until around 9p.m.
She has been doing this for years and looks awful. Overweight and blotchy face. She used to be a head turner.
Just to keep your mind occupied you could try an online course? Log on to 'Future Learn' some really interesting free courses at University level.
I have just finished The Life and Times of Richard III by Leicester University. Just a thought might help.
PS I am not being a goody goody I too like a drink but try not to over do it.

Well done Good of you and good for you Ella Keat. You have identified a potential challenge to you health and now you are doing all you can to remedy the situation. You have made a good start. This is very encouraging even for me. Even though I don’t drink or smoke I can be lazy and demotivated. So the plan is to get out to the park for a long walk. I must do this before the colder days give me an excuse to stay in. On a good day walking I feel positive and engage with other walkers especially if they have a dog though I don’t. I have a cat and she give me the will to move (I got her 3 years ago when I retired) she’s independent and sometimes likes a cuddle. Have a short list of simple things must do each day. Do you like reading or listening to music or radio. Do you love the smell of aromatherapy? Do you have a favourite dish? Love and best wishes

Well done Ella; I think it is very brave of you to tell us all this - even if we are just 'virtual" friends. I, too, used to drink wine like a fish in France but was forced to prove that I couldn't drink for a year (and have blood tests eery month). I didn't find it difficult, just got rather bored with non alcoholic alternatives! You are to be truly congratulate and I wish you every success - I'm sure you can do it!

Consider joining a choir, very therapeutic and great company. There are even choirs for people who think they can't sing. X

Dear Ella. Have you stopped to think that DH maybe needing help as much as you he seems to be suffering from separation and maybe himself is not excepting getting older he is worried when you are not around maybe make more time to enjoy being together I would say be grateful for your DH I wish I had mine to worry about being separated I do not enjoy being alone

Bravo! An extraordinarily difficult thing to do, good luck with keeping it going. As others have suggested a shared U3A or council-run evening class would open doors to new faces and could provide stimulation for you both; or parallel bur separate classes too. Sending you huge good wishes; I so wish my dad could have managed to do what you have done!

You should be proud of what you achieved. It took effort and determination. Addiction is a dreadful thing to fight, but would AA help? At least you'd have some suport and a achance to share your inner strength with others.
PS Leyla's suggestion at the U3A is a good one. We've made some fabulous friends through their quizzes and ten pin bowling. There's always an opportunity to study too.

I haven’t taken to retirement well either but it’s worse since my DH has retired too. Despite carving my own activities/hobbies/interests I still feel like I’m suffocating.
Folk say do your thing but say together as the alternative is lonely - but I love, miss and crave time to please myself and do what I want, when I want and in my own time. I’ve spent a lifetime meeting everyonr’s needs both with family and work (teaching) Everyone keeps saying ‘this is your time’ so surely it is? Thinking of selling up and going my separate way.
Thoughts?

Well done Ella! Just think in small steps, every hour, every day , every week as a success. You are stronger than you think. Take up a new interest. Offer to dog walk for someone, join a library, Ladies group or evening classes. Or volunteer for a charity, anything to take your mind off your troubles.
Good Luck. We are all behind you.

KarenBC - I know what you mean!! Ella - I know what you mean too! I've recently felt myself drifting into drinking more, due to increased family worries, so am trying to pull back now before it gets too bad. Also just applied to join U3A and about to start tai chi course. Dh pressing me to go away in the caravan again but I hate it - he's so persistant- SUFFOCATING!

Well done! Am full of admiration for you-recognising there’s a problem then doing something about it too! Am so impressed! I recommend what others have said-U3A brilliant, singing and keep fit/walking groups. Anything that’s sociable and good for you! My DH is quite content with his own company but I -made him-encouraged him to join an art class. He now thoroughly enjoys it and the company too!

Well done! Congratulations.
I think there are probably quite a few more secret drinkers out there.
I admit to a large G and T while watching Pointless followed by a glass of wine with supper.
I need to cut down to alcohol at weekends only but have failed miserably so far. I don’t have your strength of purpose but will try and try again.
I have a partner with dementia and I use this as an excuse.

Ella and lovebooks
That is so brave admitting on a public forum your struggle with alchohol,I wish you strength every day to continue.
And to Grannylynn

WELL DONE! What courage. What would I do? Have a gentle firm word with DH - “I want to go out and do things, maybe start smallish but want to keep it up and I AM going to do it, what would you like to do while I am out?”
I don't know where you live or what may be a accessible. I love my book group which also doubles as a coffee group, I also like volunteering on a history project. Local to me is a brilliant Junk Food cafe project, lots of stuff with refugees, reading with children in the local primary school, some folk really enjoy keeping up the local park. Maybe a mixture of things? Choir? Share an allotment? Art? Life is so short, reclaim it from duty and vodka!

Well done Ellakeat. My hubby of a handful of years told me before we we'd that he had become heavily dependent on vodka, the amount increasing with time & some tragedies in his life. He reached the point when he knew he needed help to stop and initially saw his GP who referred him to a residential help group where he went for 6 weeks & he got counselling, later as a backup because things happen & the vodka is so readily available.... he paid privately for two or three sessions with a hypnotherapist which worked very well indeed. He hasn't touched vodka for years but does have a glass of red wine with his dinner daily and stops at one. So it can be done but it's easier with support. We're all different so what works for one etc. I'm wondering if some counselling could boost your resolve and ease the pressure of coping with your husband's (controlling) neediness. My ex was like that and it nearly drove me mad. I was a keen volunteer but he would want to know when I would be home and stand at the garden gate waiting for me & complain petulantly should I be 10 minutes "late" - I would be mortified by his behaviour in front of my female friends but he couldn't see how bad it was. It's insidious how it drags you down & you despair - counselling & two trusted female friends helped me through the worst. Is there a steam railway or museum or similar he could volunteer with? Try joining the WI or hospital volunteering, don't ask permission, you don't need it. Don't lose sight of you. My sincere best wishes to you.