I need to let go so I can sleep

Anger, bitterness, ruminating give it any name you want it all has the same outcome. So the big question is how do you get past it? I think perhaps you already are you posted this it means you are talking about it and that helps get you past it.

This sounds too simple but before bed and when you wake up try thinking of at least 3 of your blessings whatever they may be. It helps remind us that despite ugly things happening we have so much more to be happy about.

Well, lots of advice, thank you all so much. In the end I managed to persuade my husband to phone the bank (who had been informed) and the ISA firm (who hadn't) and now we will just have to wait and see - funeral in a couple of days so will see S-i-L then and maybe get an idea of which way this is heading. I have told him it isn't fair to confront this at the funeral/wake or even on that day as she was close to her mum (he really wasn't) and it would be
unfair. I do heartily concur with the sentiment that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer - brilliant. I am learning to meditate (every cloud!!) and managing to 'let go' whenever I start to feel annoyed - hopefully this will be resolved easily.

loobs I think your Mil knew what her daughter was like and hadn't got the strength to say anything about it and have to face any rows or bad temper in her last days.

I had 2 aunts who systematically kept my mother out of all the deals they made to get their hands on all the parents' money.
Jewellery goes to the daughters at least the first choice.

Once the bank is told someone is dead the account will be frozen. My sister and I were the only executors and only beneficiaries. I was advised by a friendly solicitor to take out loads of cash before telling the bank of her death as I would have expenses I could not otherwise fund. It was very good advice. I made a record of every penny spent. I also got probate in record time without paying a solicitor. My sister and I get on brilliantly and as she was abroad at the time of our mother's death she left it to me to handle it.

And presumably, if a crime is suspected, the bank will then persue it as a matter of course.

I couldn't sleep at night either, knowing that.

If husband didn't do it, I would inform the bank myself, as the account should definitely have been frozen, even if this woman was legally the sole beneficiary!

I agree with OldMeg you have to decide how far you want to take this. If what your sister in law is doing is indeed illegal then do you want to bring that to light with all that entails.
Can you be the bigger person and let it go. It's very hurtful when families behave this way to each other I know.

In law, if there’s no will, the money belongs to surviving children shared equally. Your sister in law is breaking the law.

If you know the name of the main bank then your husband must phone them. Ask to be out through to the bereavement section and tell them your MiL died on ...and name the date. The account will then be frozen and only certain expenses eg funeral related, be allowed.

Tell your SiL you will start legal proceedings if she withdraws any more money.

Either that or just let it go and let her have the money.

I totally sympathise with you and others Loobs we were left in a very similar situation when DH’s parents died. There was a small property (very run down so not worth a huge amount) plus a valuable collection (I best not say what it was) that was suddenly gone. DH’s wealthy brother and witch of a sister took the lot. He was fed a story that his mother had borrowed money, so the property was signed over.... (pure lies as we know there was no way she would borrow anything from anyone and lived very frugally) DH was handed his mother’s wedding ring by the priest after the funeral. We returned home with it and DH posted it to his sister with a note saying “you’ve got everything now...”

There is no way my DH would fight over anything. It did eat away at him for a while but not long. He just took the attitude that he hoped the pair of them enjoyed their ill gotten gains and will never speak to either of them again.

As others have said. Very sad when siblings cheat each other like this.

I do think you should ring the bank and also see a solicitor. If she has been taking the money after the mother's death that is fraud. Have the pensions people been informed? etc etc.

The same thing happened to my DH. His signature was on MIL's bank account and when he and his brother went to sort out his mothers affDH's signature off the account and add hers, without telling him. SIL then changed the locks on the doors when MIL was in hospital and emptied the house of everything , as MIL never came home from hospital.
My husband and brother are now estranged from their siblings. We weren't looking for any money or goods, it was the fact his mother had betrayed him like that. DH (the eldest of eight) and his brother didn't get as much as a family photograph. MIL wasn't really capable of making decisions like that. It is a horrible situation.

Anyone reading these stories should take note and draw up a will. I couldn't think of anything worse than my family falling out after I had gone, all because i couldnt be bothered to put my ffairs in order!!! We experienced the heartache when my MIL diedand my DH hads never recovered from what his brother and sister did to him. It has left a very bitter taste in his mouthh and led to his complete estrangement from his siblings. His poor mum would turn in her grave if she knew what happened.

I’m sorry for your loss Loons: a difficult time made harder. We had a different but similar enough experience. All I can advise is for your husband to get advice, for you both to understand what should and shouldn’t happen then come to a joint decision about arguing or not. At some point you will need to put this behind you or it will eat away, please don’t let it upset you any more than it must.

Loobs go and talk to the CAB or a solicitor. from the amount left, it seems likely that they legally needed to get probate, so their actions could be criminal.

Luckygirl you are so right, I do need to let it go and that's the point - it isn't doing me any good. Nonnie she has said that the money is hers as she was putting (hiding) some in the account which may be true but my DH shouldn't have to just take her word for it? That's what bank statements are for but she won't let us have them - this is where the problem comes in, to carry on or just roll over and give in?Fennel I may well try your suggestion, I looked on Amazon and, like you I am very sceptical about homeopathy but.....

Loobs you can phone the bank to have the account frozen my daughters had to do this when their Nan died recently ,the bank did as asked without any proof of death.

It is indeed a common problem - we had the same with a sis-i-l who had screwed money (a lot!) under false pretenses out of a parent before he died; then got to the funeral early and made off with the belongings that they wanted before anyone else could get a look in.

We were left holding the baby so to speak when she ratted out on her Dad and what had been agreed in return for the money. He finished up homeless - guess where he finished up? - yup, with us! OH is more sanguine about it than I am - probably because I was the one who finished up sorting out the mess that was left! She has plenty dosh now and has properties that she lets!

I try to smile when we meet - more of a !

But you have to let it go - harbouring a grudge is very stressful.

loobs if you don't have the details how can you be sure she is taking the money? Could it all be a misunderstanding?

I am sure your DH could phone the bank and tell them, I did when DS died and they froze it straight away.

Perhaps you shouldn't feel you need to 'control' anything, isn't that up to your DH?

It is not a joint account but we don't have the info to deal with bank, there could be several accounts I guess. Not sure we could just phone and say freeze the account/s as we haven't got the death certificate etc. Maybe that's part of the annoyance I feel, the complete lack of control over anything to do with this. Heyho, funeral in 2 weeks will be interesting.

Yes I think so too mollie, unless it’s a joint account, when the other named on the account can still use it.

I thought bank accounts were frozen on death of the account holder. Does the bank know?

I can't help on your legal problems, Loobs, but for helping to sleep - my doctor suggested a homeopathic remedy, coffea cruda, which has helped me a bit (we're having a difficult time with a house move.)
You can get it online, various strengths.
I'm sceptical about homeopathy, but it does seem to soothe
my overactive mind at night.

What is your husband's view on his sister's behaviour? I think, in your situation, my anger would be directed at her, rather than your MIL who may have just thought her money would be divided equally between her offspring - lots of older people seem to think that's the case and therefore don't bother with a will.

I meant a daughter-in-law can also be a "daughter" in spirit, not only legally.

On the last occasion I saw my MIL before she succumbed completely to Alzheimer's (she was a Scot, not demonstrative at all) she held me tightly and with tears in her eyes said "Thank you for being my best daughter-in-law" and I thought "But I'm the only one!"

Memories are the best keepsake ...

Hilda that's a very good point, and from MawBroon's comment about the old-fashioned way of giving jewellery to (blood) daughters only, that what comes to the daughter "in-law" (but sometimes also in spirit) will eventually go to the grandchildren (bloodline).

It's a minefield.