homelessness

This is such a sad situation. Can I just ask you what do you want to do? Not what do you feel you ought to do.

If he had a serious physical health problem what would you do?

Not knowing your housing situation it's difficult to give advice, but my immediate response is that he needs a secure tenancy of his own. As a first step he should go to the council and ask for a 'Housing Options' meeting at which they will assess his needs for housing and then he will know what the likelihood is of him spending time on the streets. The new Homelessness Reduction Act should provide impetus for his local council to help.
At 74 and having already dealt with a husband with mental health problems you perhaps need to consider your own physical and mental well-being alongside your son's need for long term accommodation. There are no easy answers I'm afraid.

I think perhaps its helpful if you consider yourself a 'care coordinator'. What does your son need to live comfortably? You could find out how to bring together, as best you can, those things which will help him.

Thanks, particularly for the practical comments. I welcome all the advice I can get as at the moment I feel "stuck". I am one of the very few supportive people he has around him. He is so vulnerable and the outlook doesnt look good but he has come through similar situations before so I am pinning my hopes on his ability to survive.

You need support too x

You clearly want to help your son, but I would be wary of inviting him to live with you.

It can often be easier to provide continuing help to somebody if they are not disrupting your day to day life. He needs to be independent and to have a place of his own and as MissAdventure says, the best way to help is for you to remind him about appointments, pointing him in the direction of any (scarce) resources etc.

Unfortunately if he "gets" a home with you, other resources may become unavailable as he will not be seen as a priority.

If he moves in with you he isn't homeless and has little chance of having his own place

On the other hand, what are families there for? You have a comfortable house, your son needs a roof over his head and support.

Having had a middle-aged son with mental health/alcohol issues living with me for several years, I would recommend that you do not offer him a home with you. I had to ask him to leave earlier this year and he is now sofa surfing.
Dealing with the problems someone with mental health issues brings, can affect your mental, physical and financial health, which is too much to expect in your 70s. Also, you would probably find that being so close to the problem, you are unable to be objective and provide any constructive help.
There is no easy answer - my sympathies.

My late mother took in my brother after he was discharged from a psychiatric hospital, because he had nowhere else to go. It was very hard for her, really took it's toll on her when she was at an age where she should have been at peace. After some years he finally got a housing association flat where he still lives, and they got on much better. Having witnessed all that, I would agree with GrandmaMoira. Good luck to both of you.

Possibly go down the route that grannyactivist suggests first . I would imagine it would be very hard to get him a private rental with his issues- if not impossible .
I have an adult son with MH problems living with me and to be honest it is easier now than when he was living alone as I was constantly on edge and waiting for the next crisis . Do you have enough space to give him his own living area etc , this works for me and my son . Kitchen and bathroom are shared obviously so you have to have rules about cleaning up after yourselves etc ! and on occasion I am driven mad by certain things but I| would never see my son sofa surfing or on the streets . I sense from your post that you feel similar ? Try all other options first but be prepared and make plans in case he does not get offered accommodation , we have a huge housing crisis which is not being addressed by the government .

Bon courage to you people who have given your adult children a roof over their heads. One of mine was in a similar position at one time, but he was able to move into my Mum's house, (she had just gone into a Care Home) then TG was motivated to drag himself out of his problems.
My friend has a relative who had her alcoholic adult son living with her for years, and he died 2 months ago, from his addiction. It's a sad reality.

Some years ago I asked for a two bedroomed house so I could take care of my daughter, they said no, but allocated me a one bedroomed and my daughter a one bedroomed , a couple who use to live in this cul de sac divorced, he left, he has now been allocated a two bedroomed here opposite his x wife

You won't be much good to him if your mental health gets affected by having him to live with you when it is obviously not the best thing for both of you. Give him emotional and practical support by helping him get somewhere to live, claiming benefits, etc. Maybe speak to MIND who are very helpful.

"If he had a serious physical health problem what would you do?"

I'd consider whether I had the physical and mental strength to help him, if he was going to live with me. If I estimated that I didn't have that, I'd do all I could to help him get other, suitable provision for himself.

It seems straightforward - your son needs accommodation and you have space in your home. But you already know there's much more to it than that.

Offspring returning to family nest after many years away, and with mental health issues sounds like a recipe for disaster. Our adult children are not our responsibility (emotional or financial) in our latter years, they are adults.
I don't suppose there is some way you could sell your house and buy another with a granny annexe for him, then you'd be there for him but not be giving up your own life.

If you take him in he won't get any other help the council, social services etc will leave it all to you.

Mental health problems can destroy those trying to cope with them and the epeope willing to help. I speak from experience.

Put yourself first.

This may sound harsh, but I honestly believe you have done enough already.

You are rebuilding your life after your husband's death, which is a difficult task and I am really happy to hear you have the strength to do so.

Reading your post, I am in no doubt that you have done your duty and given your late husband, your son and your daughter all the love and support you can. You deserve to enjoy the rest of your life.

What will happen to your relationship with your daughter, who is estranged from her brother if you take him in?

Please, consider yourself first here, and your daughter as well as your son. I cannot help but feel that he is better off being helped by those who have chosen to work with people with mental issues and who are not emotionally involved as a mother always is.

Do people really believe that there is help ‘out there’ for those with mental health problems. I very much doubt it in this day and age, and in truth I’d go further and say there’s no such thing as a mental health service in this country and there never has been.

Forty years ago as a young mother I faced similar problems with my own mother, so I have a unique insight into this. The little help there seems to be is medication (not sufficiently monitored) and an occasional visit to a psychiatrist (some of which ought to be in therapy themselves from my experience!).

I have every sympathy for you optimist you are caught between a rock and a hard place.

You cannot deal with a 50 year old man with mental health issues. You're 74 years old. Even if you were fit you wouldn't be able to cope. Why isn't he getting any benefits? He needs to either sign on or get sick notes from GP. He also needs to declare himself homeless to the council.

What a difficult situation for you, your son and your daughter optimist ?.
I would agree with others who suggest you look after yourself first and foremost. You will be unable to support anyone if you are stressed yourself.
There are support networks out there for your son but I think it will be a fight to get them so be prepared. Does he want help? If so the onus will be on him to seek out help with housing & mental health support with you there right behind him guiding him.
I wish you all luck and best wishes for 2018

I think if I was in this position it would depend heavily on what sort of mental health problems my son had. If they took the form that he sometimes became dangerous or it was a personality disorder type where he might become verbally or physically bullying or controlling towards me I would be too scared now especially approaching old age and vulnerability. If it was just depression on and off etc and he was basically no problem to anyone but himself then I might well have him if I had room for us both to live comfortably. But you don't want to be taking on behavioural or antisocial issues or you'll both be hounded out by your neighbors.

I agree with those who suggest that you need to arrange a meeting with the housing people - maybe make a joint meeting for you and he to talk to Mind - they are usually full of helpful suggestions and will be supportive, if not able to do much to help. Feeling as you do, and not long after your own bereavement, you won't be the best person to act as his carer and must put your own needs first. Your DS, no matter how much you love him and want to help him, has to be on suitable medication, with his own care team and then needs to sort out his housing and other issues. Also arrange a meeting with Adult Care - at the end of the day it's their problem. Do hope that you can sort this out and wish you everything good in 2018. Love & peace. Hugs xxx