Bowel movements (you have been warned!)

You fool wot you should have eaten it at once! !

Sorry, I went off the subject.

I didn't realise you could make bread from spelt! The pillow was from Lidls so might have been a ,continental, idea. (It was comfortable)

Spelt flour, wot. Used for making bread.

So, do I eat a pillow, sit on it, or try to shove it up my bottom?

Put the pillow on your knees, put your elbows on the pillow, put your chin in your hands and settle down for a long wait.

Phoenix!! No wonder you can't go if you've got the Flying Scotsman stuck up your jacksie, let alone Apollo 13 and a chicken coop! What are you thinking of? ? ? ????? ???

Ooh thanks for mentioning spelt bread merlot - I had completely forgotten its very low gluten content. I've been thinking of trying to cut out gluten, or at least cut it down drastically, because there is evidence that this can help psoriasis and I am heartily sick and tired of my psoriasis in my ears, scalp (as well as other unmentionable places )

<makes mental note to buy spelt bread / spelt flour tomorrow>

Put the pillow on your knees, put your elbows on the pillow, put your chin in your hands and settle down for a long wait.

And don't forget to put your feet on your nine pack of loo rolls!

Do you have a breadmaker, Indinana

If so, use the fastbake programme.

DH always swears by a good old Yorkshire fry-up first thing in the morning to get things in working order.

It definitely kick-starts me into clearing up the kitchen!

Yes I do have one merlot. It's currently in retirement in a wardrobe topbox. I think I might bring it back in use. I can get spelt flour just up the road in a health food shop, so that's where my walk will take me tomorrow!

Not sure whether I have a fastbake programme though .

250g wholemeal spelt flour
250g white spelt
300mls warm water
2 tablespoons olive or rapeseed oil
1 sachet yeast
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon salt

Follow instructions for fastbake loaf - choose medium size and light colour.

Done in just under 1 hour.....Simples

phoenix the penny has just dropped! Now I know why you have started having problems in the nether regions .... you gave up smoking! I remember the bad old days when I would come downstairs, have a bowl of cereal, then light up. Within seconds of finishing that first ciggy I would be rushing upstairs - the best flippin' laxative ever!
When I gave up nearly 10 years ago it wasn't long before I noticed a reluctance to perform in the rectal area. I had to resort to all sorts of aids, including colonic irrigation, but finally had to accept that fings weren't ever going to be wot they used to be .
Right, just nipping over to your other thread to congratulate you

Do you know what? I thought the same thing Indiana. Giving up smoking. Better to have a blocked bum th am knackered lungs, I guess!

I will try the fastbake programme with the spelt flour I have left in the cupboard.

The first spelt loaf I baked had to be thrown out and it nearly decapitated two pigeons.

???????

Oh! In that case I really hope my old machine has a fastbake option, as we have lots of pigeons round here. Mind you, wouldn't mind getting some of the flippin' jackdaws that stamp up and down on my roof waking me up at stupid o'clock!

I could write a book on this subject.

I have had this problem since my first child was born. My stools are so small and hard, you could break a window with them. They become impacted and when I finally manage to go I bleed.

It does not matter what my diet is and I have tried everything. My body takes the moisture out of the stools and leaves them like dry pebbles.

Every day I take a bottle with a long nozzle on it and fill it with warm water and shampo or shower gel and squirt it up my bum. I hold it for as long as I can and then I 'go'.

Some times it takes two goes, but the relief is wonderful. I don't bleed and I can get on with my day. The next time I go will be fine but the time after that I will have to use the bottle again.

I have been doing this for 27 years (since my son was born) and my doctor says it is fine if it makes me feel better. I also feel really clean afterwards knowing I am not walking around with my bowels full.

Sorry if this was too much info

Does your GP know you are squirting shampoo or shower gel up your bum ? I really do not think that is a good idea. We used to do soft soap enemas in the 60s, that was pure soap, but modern shower gels have chemicals in.

Sorry, I have just re-read your post and you say your GP is fine with it.

Sorry Wot, didn't mean to step on your joke. This thread is a glorious mixture of really serious stuff and hilarious side-tracking. Keep it up - oh dear that's the problem isn't it?

They invented modern day wheat because spelt was so horrible. I lugged a bag back from Amsterdam before it was available in the shops here. One loaf and it was chucked.

I just don't get that, jingl. The bread I make has a very light texture and a lovely nutty flavour. You add two tablespoons of oil (rapeseed is the best) to the warm water and it has to be made quickly (hence the fastbake programme) because there are no gluten strands to stretch.

The flour in the bag is no more dense than any other flour

If mass produced bread is so great why are so many people suffering IBS, cramps, bloating, etc.

Good old Chorleywood has a lot to answer for.

Sorry, phoenix for getting on my soapbox on your thread. I hope you 'ahem' have had a rewarding moment.

Add lost of mixed nuts to a fiber filled muesli. Drink lots of tea and coffee in the morning. This gets me going.