New grandchild & feeling guilty

*wielded

Icanhandthemback:

People have all sorts of opinions about how and why others procreate. They’re just opinions. Nothing more. They have no practical weight unless wilded inappropriately. Has zero to do with whether or not a wife should take a few days to spend time with grandchildren she won’t see regularly.

Why do you think the husband’s opinion on his son’s procreative choices should trump what his wife wants to do? She wants to stay a few days. She is an adult and he doesn’t own her. She shouldn’t be discouraged from staying.

It’s manipulation when he is actively discouraging her from staying. How is that not clear?

You stating you miss your husband on a golf trip isn’t comparable and I think you are intentionally ignoring the details of the OP. The OP, who actually had the interaction with him, stated his reasons: the son and DIL aren’t reasonable to ask her to stay because they chose to have babies close, and he will miss her.

She wants to know if she should feel guilty about wanting to stay against his wishes, which she absolutely should not. Spouses should freely and happily allow each other to spend time with family, even if small personal sacrifices need to be made. That’s normal. That’s healthy.

BlessedArt

What’s rude and harsh is a father/husband judging his son and DIL for having two children while clearly trying to convince his wife not to stay a few days to help. We’re talking days, not months or weeks. The OP lives over 200 miles away. Her time with her grandchildren is limited. This shouldn’t be a big deal for anyone in a healthy marriage, but OP’s husband clearly has control issues. Why wouldn’t a husband encourage his wife to spend the very limited time with his own grandchildren if it helps his own son and DIL? Why wouldn’t a loving husband want his wife to take a few days to do something that makes her happy? Her happiness to stay should be enough for him cope for a few days. Healthy marriages aren’t co-dependent. It’s OTT to discourage a few days helping family.

Erm, maybe the husband has reasons we don't know about. I certainly had misgivings about my daughter getting pregnant again 6 years after her firstborn because of how difficult she found parenthood and because her health really suffered with her pregnancy which didn't recover for over 5 years, even then only partially. I would never have withdrawn support but if you are watching someone make what you consider to be the biggest mistake, I don't think it means you shouldn't say this to your spouse. It doesn't mean that you expect them to do anything about it.
We only know from the initial post that the OP feels the way he does, not the husband's rationale. Who knows the OP may be someone who gets things all out of proportion or feels guiltier than most. It really is difficult to know whether she should be worried or not. I do think that if she wants to stay though, she should.

But is it manipulation? Over the years Mr. S. has been away for golf or bowls and when we've spoken on the 'phone I'll have told him I miss him, because I did.

I've spent time away visiting a very dear friend and he'll have told me during our daily 'phone calls that he missed me, because he did.

I had no idea that telling the one you love when they're away from you that you miss them is manipulation, discouragement and/or controlling as all we know so far, is that the OP's husband told her he missed her.

Smileless2012

All we know is that the OP's husband said he misses her and unless she provides information to the contrary, that's all we know so why on earth does that make him controlling?

If he was controlling the OP would have gone home when her husband did.

Manipulation and discouragement from temporary time apart are controlling whether the OP goes along with it or not.

What’s rude and harsh is a father/husband judging his son and DIL for having two children while clearly trying to convince his wife not to stay a few days to help. We’re talking days, not months or weeks. The OP lives over 200 miles away. Her time with her grandchildren is limited. This shouldn’t be a big deal for anyone in a healthy marriage, but OP’s husband clearly has control issues. Why wouldn’t a husband encourage his wife to spend the very limited time with his own grandchildren if it helps his own son and DIL? Why wouldn’t a loving husband want his wife to take a few days to do something that makes her happy? Her happiness to stay should be enough for him cope for a few days. Healthy marriages aren’t co-dependent. It’s OTT to discourage a few days helping family.

All we know is that the OP's husband said he misses her and unless she provides information to the contrary, that's all we know so why on earth does that make him controlling?

If he was controlling the OP would have gone home when her husband did.

Your husband sounds very controlling, don't give in, he's a grown man, it will only get worse...i speak from experience, stand up for yourself

Congratulations on safe arrival of your GD ASHANTY.

Has your husband saying he misses you made you feel guilty? Has he said you're neglecting him, your D and elderly parents or is this how you feel?

If he's only said he misses you then I think accusing him of making you feel guilty is a bit OTT, as are some of very harsh and rude criticisms of him in some of the responses you've received.

Your daughter might actually enjoy having her dad to herself! Stay and enjoy your new enlarged family!

Stay until you are ready to leave it's your decision and enjoy your time with your lovely grandchildren

FranP

I think that makes in unanimous. Enjoy your grandchildren

You would think, but there will always be those who feel the need to shame mums who need help. You’d think as women we’d have evolved more than that.

Shaming other mums, especially without knowing a single thing other than she had a baby close to another, says far worse about those shaming her than the parent themselves. For all any of the shamers know, she may very well have had other issues complicating her postpartum experience. Even if she didn’t so what if the parents need a bit of help? Not everyone’s existence is so simple that they can anticipate every minute detail of birth and post birth. Just because you lacked support doesn’t mean everyone else should forgo it. There are no prizes in life for struggling when help is available. You don’t get a gold star for “doing it on your own”. I say this as someone who had little to no outside support as my husband worked nearly constantly. It’s entirely possible to not view other people’s lives strictly through the prism of your own experience.

monami

good heavens the marshmallow generaton, i had 2 children under 4 and it was no problem at all, hubby worked 40 hour week , i looked after children and it wasnt heavy weather, my mum had 6, victorans had 9, get a grip , leave them to it, by the way dd you get any help with yours ?

I think your reply is both offensive and not very nice. “Marshmallow generation” - I really don’t like your comment at all. So women have to pander to what the husbands/partners say or want!?!?!?

Your husband is being a pathetic idiot IMHO. To be so obviously jealous of a tiny baby and a toddler grandson is just not appropriate behaviour for a grown man. Spend the time with your son and his family for as long as they need you. It is truly a privilege that they trust you and love you and value your input as much as they obviously do. I feel really sad and sorry for you and your daughter.

Stay! Your husband is old enough to take care of himself and be able to figure out how to get around without a car for a few days. The grandchildren are only this precious age for such a short time. Your kids and grandkids need you to get through this challenging adjustment time.

Stay

I don’t think you are being selfish to want to stay a bit longer with your grandchildren.
However in one way I think your son and his wife are being a little selfish to want all the help, babies rarely come on their due date so why did they need you two weeks before, most of us have to manage without any kind of help and if they didn’t think they would be able to cope why have another baby so soon, Although I can understand how nice it felt being wanted especially as the paternal side.

I see monami’s point of view though I wouldn’t put it so bluntly. It seems a pity that no one foresaw the possibility of the baby not arriving on time and it making more sense for you to go a bit closer to the expected time.

It’s tough for you ànd I think in your position I’d stay the extra 4 days. But many of us had a second baby arriving while the first was a small toddler and we coped. I wouldn’t say your husband was being selfish. It’s hard for him too, especially without a car which may be at the bottom of it.

Quite the opposite of what is usually posted about new babies and GP. Usually seems GPs are excluded from any contact for a few weeks. Take it son will be on paternity leave to help and adjust. At least if you stay for the 4 days you may think you've done your bit and be more willing to let the family adjust to their new life.

What a nasty husband. Is it his daughter or just yours?

I think that makes in unanimous. Enjoy your grandchildren

"...if your needs aren't met..."

You are so lucky and very kind too to be asked and give the help they need.Please stay your other half is wrong and being very childish. I have a grandaughter in Scotland only seen 3 times and I have been told they won't be coming anymore