New grandchild & feeling guilty

I’m taking Ashanti at her word when she say “my husband is making me feel guilty for accepting to stay”, and responding accordingly.

Surely we don’t need to hear other perspectives on the situation, we have the OP’s, and she is asking for opinions based on how she is feeling.

BlessedArt, if you have only heard one "reported" side of the story, you cannot make a judgement about whether somebody is manipulative. What you can do is say that she shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to stay because I don't know many women who wouldn't want to help their children in these circumstances. I have explained why I think as I do and I am happy not to make a judgement on a conversation where I don't know whether the husband was just expressing his feelings but was willing to accept that his wife felt differently and was happy to act as she saw fit. You carry on being prepared to make judgements without hearing the whole story, I'll continue to be prepared to less accusative. I have said my bit, I hope the OP has enjoyed her time with her new grandchild and was able to set any guilt aside because I really don't think she should have any which is surely the main point.

It's shocking to see such a benign thread generate such a lengthy conversation.

Clearly Smileless sees a part of herself in the guilt-tripping husband, and will relentlessly argue in bad-faith to preserve her self image of having no fault in her estrangement.

For if she admits that the husband's behavior is wrong, on any level, than she will also have to admit that she is fault at all too, which is completely antithetical to her decades long narrative of never being wrong with her son.

I’m not sure what your tangent is about because I was very obviously referring to the post, which despite you, and unsurprisingly Smileless and Allsorts seems to have garnered consensus. Who said anything about the outcome of situation?

I understand the temptation of using a straw-man argument when someone else is making too much sense, but honestly that’s just derailing the thread. To be clear, the contents of her post describe unkind, selfish behavior by her spouse. But hey, let’s just pretend everyone but the 3 of you are reading it all wrong. She may be “blowing it out of proportion” and/or the rest of the thread have reading comprehension issues.

BlessedArt

Icanhandthemback,

The OP is clear that she wanted to stay and her hand was trying to dissuade her.
I don’t think the OP is confused about her own husband’s desires. He then followed his negative view up with citing him missing her as a reason she shouldn’t stay. That’s manipulative. This isn’t exactly nuclear physics. Seems everyone else on the thread grasps that the husband doesn’t want her to stay.

Oh sorry, BlessedArt, I didn’t realise that you had been a fly on the wall and heard the conversation. She has been clear to us, hasn’t indicated that she is not going to stay or his behaviour after she has told him she was going to stay. Perhaps you can confirm that as you obviously ’know’.
Having not heard the conversation myself, I cannot say either way but prefer not to immediately assume the worst when only one side of the narrative has been heard.

Allsorts

Blessed Art. The husband doesn't come over as controlling, you always think the worst. If he was controlling he would not have left her there. No doubt she's back home now and all is well.

No one should be guilt-tripped about staying away a few days to help family. Guilt trips are emotional manipulation and emotional manipulation is a form of controlling behaviour.

It is really illuminating how those who refute this view such conduct. You think a person can’t be controlling unless they are successful in their efforts to push their wants on others. That’s such an unhealthy outlook and a disaster for interpersonal relationships. It’s really easy to respect the wishes of your adult loved ones. It’s not that complicated if you care about feelings besides your own.

Icanhandthemback,

The OP is clear that she wanted to stay and her hand was trying to dissuade her.
I don’t think the OP is confused about her own husband’s desires. He then followed his negative view up with citing him missing her as a reason she shouldn’t stay. That’s manipulative. This isn’t exactly nuclear physics. Seems everyone else on the thread grasps that the husband doesn’t want her to stay.

NannyJ21. Absolutely. I agree.

monami

good heavens the marshmallow generaton, i had 2 children under 4 and it was no problem at all, hubby worked 40 hour week , i looked after children and it wasnt heavy weather, my mum had 6, victorans had 9, get a grip , leave them to it, by the way dd you get any help with yours ?

Good for you. Don’t forget to polish your medal today.

Yes, Victorians had 9. Most of them died.

There’s always one 🙄

Sounds like your husband wants you to put him first. Me & DH live 🇬🇧, my DS & DIL & 2 yr old GS, live in 🇨🇦, couple of times I have gone to visit/help, on my own leaving DH at home, to carry on with work & look after our dog. He has never put pressure on me not to go.
You should do whatever feels right. Good luck and for future visits with/without your DH. To get to know your dear GC, after all 250 miles isn’t that far.

Expressing negative views isn't necessarily manipulation I agree icanhandthemback.

Of course the OP shouldn't feel guilty but we don't know to what extent any guilt is coming from her, and not just because her husband said he misses her.

That was my thought too Allsorts and I posted earlier that if he were controlling he wouldn't have gone home without her.

Blessed Art. The husband doesn't come over as controlling, you always think the worst. If he was controlling he would not have left her there. No doubt she's back home now and all is well.

Oh goodnesss me! This particular time is important to you and your family and it won’t ever come again! Do NOT feel guilty!! That’s a form of control imho. Poor hubby - is he jealous your attention and love is far away? Then he knows what to do 💕in the meantime enjoy these precious times as long as you need to. Your life and your right to be where you are needed most!
We females do guilt too well don’t we 🤦‍♀️🌺

I confess to only having read the first ⅓ of messages as I should be in bed.

But - if he misses you I'd say to please come back and join you.
I think he shouldn't have gone back really.
I would be missing my husband by now but surely he can get back on a train to join you!
Congratulations.

BlessedArt

Icanhandthemback:

People have all sorts of opinions about how and why others procreate. They’re just opinions. Nothing more. They have no practical weight unless wilded inappropriately. Has zero to do with whether or not a wife should take a few days to spend time with grandchildren she won’t see regularly.

Why do you think the husband’s opinion on his son’s procreative choices should trump what his wife wants to do? She wants to stay a few days. She is an adult and he doesn’t own her. She shouldn’t be discouraged from staying.

I actually said I do think that if she wants to stay though, she should.

Expressing negative views isn't necessarily manipulative. As a spouse you should be able to talk about how you feel. It's called communication. Implied threats or a record of sulking for ages might mean that person is manipulative. It's how you resolve those differences help determine whether a person is being manipulative too. All I am saying is that context is everything and we don't have knowledge of that.

This post makes me wonder if the reason they initially requested the hotel stay was because DIL and son preferred mum alone to stay after the birth and didn’t want to say so. We will obviously never know, but I’d find it odd if DIL wanted FIL hanging about after having just given birth. It wouldn’t surprise me if FIL leaving worked out for them.

BlessedArt

Has your husband always been this clingy and needy? He’s a grown man. Presumably he can survive on his own a few days while you help family.

Guilt-trips are a form of controlling behaviour. Don’t feel guilty about being such a thoughtful mother, mother in law, and granny. It’s temporary and a very normal thing to help when new babies come. You live far, so it’s more than reasonable to spend as much time there as you and son’s family are comfortable with. Congrats! Enjoy your new grandchild.

Quite!!!

How nice to be asked!

Did you end up actually staying with your son and dil ? A few months ago you wrote that while they wanted you to come and help they also did not want you staying in their home as potentially you would be "getting under their feet". They wanted you both to stay in a hotel or b and b.

I agree with Monica’s and Easybee’s comments on page 1: your husband needs to grow up and stop being selfish. But I also think you need to realise that what you want to do matters too. Stand up for yourself.
Without a doubt you should stay and enjoy. Congratulations.

I can't believe your husband's attitude. You should not be made to feel guilty for staying to help. You agreed to help and that is what you can now do. Lucky you. Don't let your other family members spoil what should be a very happy family time. I would help your daughter, and let them just accept how events unfolded. They are adults, and perfectly capable of looking after themselves surely. Your husband can catch the bus for a few days.

Smileless2012

Well you seem to be prepared to accept that the OP's husband is manipulative, discouraging and controlling without evidence BlessedArt.

I provided direct reference from the OP’s words to support my opinion. That’s not without “evidence”. That’s opinion based on the OP. Telling someone they should consider if the OP blows things out of proportion with absolutely no roots in the OP’s posted comments is not on. I highly doubt that response would be given to a man.

You, on the other hand, are intentionally framing it as a husband simply stating his misses his wife, while providing a completely unrelated comparison. That is not what she posted. That is ignoring all context and all other details. You never even mentioned the rest of what he said, which makes your position disingenuous. And for what? So that you can defend a man discouraging his wife from doing what she has the right to do? If she feels her husband doesn’t want her to go and is making her feel guilty, having been the one who actually knows her husband I think it’s fine to take her word on her own feelings and draw conclusions from there.

Stay . It’s a one off and they will appreciate . Husband is being selfish and frankly childish

Well you seem to be prepared to accept that the OP's husband is manipulative, discouraging and controlling without evidence BlessedArt.

I am not ignoring the details of the OP BlessedArt, I'm responding to what we've been told, I'm just not embellishing them.

Also, let’s not gaslight other women.

Why, without evidence, should I take into consideration that the OP is someone who might blow things out of proportion?