gentle parenting

I did not use physical punishment with my offspring but certainly explained fully, usually before it happened, as to why it was unacceptable. i.e Would you like it if I treated you like that? She was eating in posh restaurants with silver service at 8 knowing exactly what cutlery to use and went to funerals at six knowing how to behave. She knew how to rise to the occasion and was proud of herself for doing so. She is a wonderful adult and handles some very difficult situations in her job with diplomacy and professionalism.

Tigerlilyx61

My daughter and her husband have 2 children who are 6 and 9. The live 2500 miles away so I rarely see them in person. I do try and stay connected via facetime. I recently went to visit her and am having a difficult time processing my feelings after the visit. They are using gentle parenting which is fine but the problem is there are very few consequeces for negative behaviour and my daughter has a difficult time setting boundaries. She has verbalized this. I was only there for 5 days but the behaviour started almost immediately. They started hissing at me (like they were cats) if I asked them anything, threw suff at both my husband and myself, spoke to me like they were the parent i.e. GRANDMAAAA if I did or said something they didn't like, pushed themselves in between me and their mom as we were sitting in chairs talking. One morning she was helping her 6 uear old son put his rain boots on to go to preschool. He was sitting on the floor and he picked one of the boots up and threw it behind him and then looked at this mom as if to say "watcha gonna do about it?". The 9 year old daughter was sitting at the island in the kitchen reading while her mom was cooking dinner. I was sitting beside her and she was having a hard time sounding an occasional word out so I casually leaned over to see what the word was so I could help her and she snatched the book up so I couldn't see it. I am all for gentle parenting-heck I think I did it. I didn't spank and I tried to make consequences approppriaye for the offense but I NEVER would allow my kids to treat adults like this let alone their grandparents. Is anyone else having this problem? From what I hear it is a pretty common phenomenon.

You did well saying nothing. Their children, their rules.

There used to be a well known reputable family therapist around in the 70s called Dr Robin Benians. I remember reading a book he had written where he commented that children survived over strict parenting better than over lenient parenting - I think because they couldn’t cope with the lack of boundaries.

If you never correct the child’s bad behaviour, how on earth are they supposed to distinguish between right and wrong ?

eazybee

I remember the child who arrived in Reception with the information from the parents that 'we never say No to him; we always negotiate.'
The Reception teacher smiled sweetly and said, when the class moves elsewhere, games, assembly, play etc. we all go.There is no negotiation.
A pleasant child, he quickly conformed with the rest of the class, but his parents removed him at the end of term because he was very bright and he wasn't being stretched enough. He was four.

Some bumpy times ahead there!

I remember the child who arrived in Reception with the information from the parents that 'we never say No to him; we always negotiate.'
The Reception teacher smiled sweetly and said, when the class moves elsewhere, games, assembly, play etc. we all go.There is no negotiation.
A pleasant child, he quickly conformed with the rest of the class, but his parents removed him at the end of term because he was very bright and he wasn't being stretched enough. He was four.

I wouldn't ever comment in how my children are bringing up their own children. As a gran, my lips are firmly zipped up, although it's a struggle at times.

But our grandchildren are (usually) very well behaved. One daughter would let her child get away with anything, but thankfully dad is far less permissive and keeps her in check.

First, there is a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.
That sums it up exactly.

My fingers are clearly swollen today. Pardon the typos

First, there is a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting is the concept of treating children with respect and dignity, the same as you would an
adult. It’s about using the same self-control you’d exercise toward the child adult as you would another when mitigating improper behaviour.

Permissive parenting is allowing the child to behave in such a way that there are no corrections or consequences for improper or inappropriate behaviour. I think people intentionally confuse the two types of parenting when they want to put down gentle parenting because it’s not something they did.

Having said that, while I agree that teaching children respect for others is important I wouldn’t go out of my way to impose my parenting ideas on my son or daughters. I would provide gentle redirection on those actions immediately impacting me in the moment. Hitting, pushing, etc do not require permission from a parent to calmly tell the child to stop. Beyond that, let them get on with it. We raised our children. They must raise theirs.

It seems to be the way parenting is these days !
My grandchildren can be rude and misbehave and also swear which I hate but their parents also swear around them it that is normal to them.
I do put my foot down and say we don't use those words in this house.
Dread to think how they will they be as teenagers if the 'gentle' parenting continues!

friendlygingercat

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Use the rod and spoil the child.

There is a happy medium between harsh treatment with corporal punishment and gentle, or lack of, parenting.

@nanna8, I am sure gentle parenting will have reached Australia, especially as Australia is much more Americanised than the UK - in many respects, it is the bridge between the two countries. Even if you have not heard anyone using that term, you will have seen the unruly products of it, with desperate adults pleading with their children to consider others’ feelings while the children are ruling the roost.

eazybee

Sarnia, that is not 'gentle parenting.
It is neglect.

Sadly, it is the young Mums umbrella term for not setting any boundaries, rules or punishment for unacceptable consequences. Her brother was brought up with those in place and at 17 is a polite, caring young man who knows full well what is acceptable and what is not.
I asked my DIL why she was adopting such a different approach to her daughter and she told me she had a poor relationship with her Mum as a teenager as she was very strict and she wanted a better relationship with her own.
It grieves me to see my GD like this and I worry about what her future will be.

I suppose I am the product of rough parenting - always getting thumped and shouted at but in between that lots of love and cuddles. Neither is the way to go,though. My children were quite cheeky at times but they knew their limits and were always,always polite to those outside the immediate family. One of them was awful in her early teens, horrible but she improved as time went on. None of them were ever naughty at school, the teachers loved all of them because they studied hard and did well at exams. Gentle parenting is not a term I am familiar with, maybe we don’t do gentle here ? It is illegal to hit your child now ( thank goodness, would have saved me a lot of bruises and pain) but the majority of children seem quite polite and reasonable here with the odd exception,of course. Maybe they fear being labelled ?

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Gentle parenting seems to mean no parenting as far as I can see. The children have no rules or boundaries and it all seems to be about talking about feelings when they are not really old enough to understand what this means. It must be very frightening for them because they don’t know what is expected of them and how to conform to society. I have always thought children feel safe when they know what is expected of them and that there will be consequences if they break the family rules. I think it is more loving and kind to have these clear boundaries as children feel much safer. They are able to relax because they know that the adults are in control of things because the adults are in charge.

Yes my dil is bringing up my gd in this way. She is only just two but I have never heard the word no from her parents. Is that a new thing? Is saying no a bad thing now? She gets long wordy explanations as to why she shouldn’t do something and she is far too young to understand and then she ignores them anyway. She is already getting down from the table when she likes and running around and chucking food around. I dread to think what’s coming in the future.

The parents sound very inept and immature and have no idea what to do. The children are obviously out of control, very rude, no respect and running the show.

They are using the term Gentle Parenting to hide behind.

Don't know what the answer is.
But good luck.

I have no interest in gentle parenting. Never done it and never validated the children's feelings as I have read about.

I believe the parents should be in charge as if the the kids are tantruming they can clear off upstairs where I don't have to listen to them. If they were hissing g at me I would ignore them and not engage with them.

Your Grandchildren sound obnoxious. I don't blame them though it's down to the parents.

I don't think Gentle Parenting works at all. 3 of our immediate little ones being subject to this and they are all out of control, behaviour is beyond appalling with them all, the cheek, tantrums, insolence, ruling the parents and such an embarrassment. Throwing things, smashing the homes up. Dear me a far cry from my upbringing, if been naughty told off and smack on the back of the legs and no tea. Well social services would probably be called today. Did I behave like that? No I didn't and neither did my siblings. We wouldn't have dared and we had respect for our parents.

You mentioned your GS is the class clown.
It can be a way to seek attention and fit in with peers. It can be a way of hiding difficulties with reading, writing and focus. Thereby avoiding feeling inadequate. So seeks connection with laughter.
You also mentioned your GD didn't like it when you tried to help with her reading.
Might.be worth your DD speaking with both teachers.

I have a very similar problem with my 6 year old granddaughter. There seem to be no boundaries set, and she shouts when adults are speaking and is never made to sit at the table for a meal, but jumps up and down all the time. I tried to suggest to my daughter that she shouldn't get away with bad behaviour, but she doesn't see it is a problem. Sadly being with my granddaughter is not a pleasure at the moment.

I believe that children appreciate having guidelines. Too many parents - back in my day, sadly, as well as now - seem to imagine that kids will just miraculously "get it" and, without any input from their parents, will automatically grow into decent adults. A lot of parents seem to want to be their child's "best friend" (this is particularly noticeable in mothers with daughters) and thus they avoid giving any guidance, in case it's construed as criticism or negativity. It doesn't have to be done with a big stick - kids love to have things explained to them, and that doesn't have to be done in a critical, admonishing tone. Why on earth do people have children in the first place, if they don't want to interact with them? There are few things as wonderful as watching a child develop - but then, nowadays, I guess watching a phone screen holds much more magic...

Sarnia, that is not 'gentle parenting.
It is neglect.