Daughter says no visitors for three months

If this couple agree to this "disappearance act" then so be it. However, in my opinion, they could benefit from therapy as alienation from their families is a toxic manner in which to deal with a newborn and their inlaws and their parents as well.

I suggest just accepting it and then wait and see as things may change. There are lot of unqualified 'experts' on social media dishing out dubious advice on parenthood.

I doubt the 3 month ban on visitors will really last that long. Reality may intervene!

I was lucky my two daughters weren’t like that and was only to glad of my help.
However my granddaughter-in-law is a different story, she didn’t want anyone except her parents to visit for the first week which we all respected, after the week I rang to ask when I could visit as I live two hours away it had to be planned,but on another two occasions she made excuses.
I had put together a nice basket of gifts for the baby so one day I had had enough we drove down there, I was on crutches due to a broken foot and when we were an hour away from their house I rang my grandson and said we were in the area and this was the only chance I would have to meet my first great grandson, he agreed when we got there she was upstairs laughing on the phone and didn’t bother to come down my grandson thanked us for the gifts but nothing from her, we didn’t even stay 20 minutes.
She has always been very strange and would make an argument with her shadow.

I must be the exception rather than the rule, of the older friends I have had who are grandparents they have been hyper aware that they must toe the line with their DD or DiL, have seldom if ever come across an interfering gran, and posts on here are usually from grans scared of crossing the line rather than actively trying to cross it.
Now back when I was a new mum grans were known for being opinionated matriarchs who ruled the roost. My mum and MiL included. But I can’t remember a single new mum complaining, we were just glad to have an extra pair of hands and managed to ignore silly comments.

My daughter had her baby when she was mid-thirties. Her then husband said that they wanted no visitors for the first two weeks. My daughter has since said that she desperately wanted her mum, but husband (he was a lot older than her, and thought he was an expert on everything), refused to let me go and help her. Two years later I was looking after my GD 3 nights a week so that DD could work, and the baby had convulsions. I rang my DD and GD ended up in hospital. Son in law insisted that it was just 'fits' and there was nothing wrong with GD. She was later diagnosed with petit mal epilepsy (I think it's called something else now). I am so glad that DD divorced then husband as he was an absolute idiot.

Every man and his dog went and saw my grandson when he was born except my husband and I who my daughter in law would have found too stressful, so she said. Finally saw the baby at 3 months old for about an hour having travelled 6 hours to get there and spent £300 + on the visit on hotels and petrol. The marriage didn’t last. Despite all, I have a good relationship with the grandson now - thank you FaceTime etc. Daughters in law can be tricky.

I would tell her she can visit you whenever she wishes and you will be happy to visit her when she is ready. I was fortunate that my daughter wanted to show off her beautiful baby to all the family before she left hospital. Babies do better if the are exposed to germs as they are growing I believe.

Yes. My daughter told us when she was pregnant, but we were not allowed to tell anyone. This continued past the 12 weeks, indefinitely. When we said we would like to visit when the baby was born that too was forbidden. We felt very sad. It has completely ruined what should have been such a happy experience as first time parents and grandparents. Our daughter no longer contacts us, and we both feel that this treatment is due to social media. I am grieving, but there is no closure, and sadly, this kind of estrangement seems all too common now. We have had to accept that she has MHI, and move on with our lives. I am devastated at the loss of my daughter and my grand daughter. People without grandchildren don't really understand. I was sorry to hear that GlamGolfGran is going through what we suffered. I hope your outcome is better than ours has been. 2 years of pain so far, and little hope on the horizon. This is our experience of our first grandchild. They live abroad, so that complicates everything. Unfortunately, we have to let go, as there is just entrenchment and controlling behaviour pushback sadly. Good luck. You are not alone. Sending hugs.

Oops inhabiting

I dont know what planet you Dd is inhibiting as life with a new baby is very hard to start with and she will need your supports dont fret she will soon be in touch once her other 1/2 goes back to work! Embrace your new G baby what ever happens with lots of love.

PS when parents these days talk of a "babymoon" i.e. no visitors after the birth it's usually a maximum of two weeks.

Go along with her - but mention gently that it may be a good idea to keep an open mind. None of us knows exactly how we are going to feel after giving birth, nor what we may or may not have to deal with.
My in laws had emigrated to the other side of the world the year before I had my first. My own mother was not especially keen on babies and small children and she and my father took 3 months to find the time to travel from the north of England to the south to see us. We only had one family visit - from my grandfather in his late 80s- who did not drive and made a long train journey to visit me in hospital.This was much appreciated.
As our child was the first grandchild on both sides this was all rather disappointing and a bit hurtful. It would have been nice to have had more interest shown. Ask your daughter to keep her options open just in case.

I have over 20 years experience working with pregnant and postpartum families as a doula, antenatal teacher, breastfeeding counsellor - and I also run classes online for grandparents.
The daughter is not being "selfish" as some have said - she is however making very unrealistic promises to herself. The first three months of the baby's life are sometimes called the "fourth trimester of pregnancy" because the mother needs help with everything that she doesn't have time for while she gets to know her baby, learning to recognise the cues and to feel relaxed and above all confident. ALL human societies have recognised the need for new mothers to be allowed to rest quietly with their baby, being brought food and not having to worry about housework or any other chores.
Unfortunately some grandparents do interpret this need as giving them a right to interfere, to lay down rules about "how we did it in our day", to chatter constantly when the mum would prefer peace and quiet, offer unhelpful and unsolicited feeding "advice", to manhandle the baby, and to pressurise the mother and her partner to separate the baby from the mother on the pretence that "mother needs rest". Such pressure can be very unwelcome because a new mother is instinctively attuned to her baby, typically, and contrary to what people think she may not thrive by being separated from her baby - and the baby certainly doesn't.
It could be that this young mum to be has heard stories from her friends about overbearing grandmothers and wants none of it.
But she needs to be aware that these days nearly half of all births end with a caesarean and if that's her journey she really will need a lot more physical and practical help than she realises.
The message to get across to her is - if she needs help, just ask for it! The word "visitors" however suggests that the OP expects to sit on the sofa holding the grandchild and being given cups of tea...instead, it would be smarter to gently offer practical and targeted support in the home - cleaning, laundry, cooking a shepherds pie rather than insisting on the right to hold the newborn. "When can I come and help out" sounds a lot more attractive than "when can I come and visit".
If she still isn't interested, how about offering long-distance support such as getting her shopping delivered?
I think there must be more going on here especially with the MIL and not the OP. Daughter may feel she has to send out the same message to both sets of grandparents to make sure she isn't interfered with by the one she's more worried about.

I have read of new parents issuing such an edict, because they want a calm time to adjust & bond. I fear they are making an error but it is their choice. Try not to comment on the decision. When the baby arrives, after a few days or weeks they may want to show their baby off to family & friends, or they may want/need help. All you can do it be incredibly supportive. Send the usual cards & gifts, arrange for delicious foodstuffs to be delivered, even prepare your daughter's favourites, stash in a coolbox and leave on their doorstep. Don't try to actually visit, just wait for your daughter to want to introduce you to your grandchild. I'm so sad for you, but you just need to play a waiting game and be as understanding as you can.

There are some good reasons for not exposing a baby to outsiders germs for the first three months as it takes around that long for their immune systems to kick in properly. But that's not what she's saying. I can't see why a visitor would prevent a bonding unless she has the idea you're going to be there for days on end with the baby constantly in your arms. It seems to be the fashion nowadays for parents to make up all sorts of rules and protocols around child rearing. I didn't make mine up I got them all out of a childcare book "11am orange juice; noon scrambled egg; 1pm-3pm afternoon nap" and my poor daughter actually fitted in with the schedule. Luckily. With my next I think we just did whatever whenever. I am sure by the time she has her second child you'll be allowed to visit whenever you want. And help.

Ridiculous, pretentious, even stupid - but if it's what your daughter wants then I agree that you'll need to go along with it.
I really don't understand what she's trying to achieve. As others have said, you don't need to be alone with your baby for 24 hours a day to bond with it.
I can see that it's hurtful for you, as if you'd be interfering and stopping them bonding, but you have the right idea in planning nice trips for yourself and getting on with your life.
I wondered if the baby's father plans to take three months off work? If not your daughter might find long days with a small baby are pretty exhausting and draining, not the idyllic time she is currently imagining.

Right attitude. Sharing in a family is the best for everyone!

Sorry few mistakes read between the lines

I had in-laws who turned up the next day while I was still in hospital after a very difficult birth and MiL also visited us the following week at our home. She didn't live locally and spent most of the time holding and gazing at my DD and as far as I remember did nothing to help. My own mum didn't meet the new arrival for a few weeks when we were able to visit her over 200 miles away and introduce her to the rest of my family. If your daughter's MiL is anything like mine I understand her reservations as interference and unwanted advice were always on the menu!
My own mum missed out over the years as she lived further away and was less demanding and I regret that my children did not have as strong a bond with her.
Sadly MiL is now frail and lonely living alone with one son abroad, estranged from her other DiL and my ex's current partner. My own children visit her when they can, despite busy lives and distance but she has been known to moan that she'd like to see her great grandchildren more!
My ex does a lot to help her but lives a long way away and is in poor health himself. Her other son lives abroad and hasn't visited her for over 3 years. He came to the UK recently for a brief visit but didn't visit her so she hasn't seen her other grandchildren in a long time.
I can't help thinking she has brought her own loneliness on herself to some extent.
It is a pity that reservations about her MiL may be causing you to be more restricted in your contact but hopefully sticking to her rukes will ultimately result in a good relationship.
I don't see as much of my grandchildren as I might like as my DS and family live a fair distance away and spent some time overseas when their eldest was a baby but I have never been excluded, nor have the other GPs. I hope to move nearer in future to improve things but I know I'm very lucky.
Good luck !

I have one grandaughter who is now nearly 5 years old.She doesn't know me as we have only seen her 4 times.
The last visit I said and few things asking questions about injections etc that I as a parent naturally nothing of and shared both of the children eoth grandparents whom they loved.I was told to mind my own business and I would not be seeing the child again.I only get photos if I send money.Sorry to say a lit of parents think of children as possessions .

No they haven’t, but they didn’t. Now however they have set a boundary that I cannot take my granddaughter away again because I didn’t manage to plait her hair properly.

I remember my friend having her first baby late in life. She was going to have 100% natural birth she said. No pain relief and that was final. I bit my tongue whilst listening kindly.

After the delivery, she had a more knowing countenance whilst saying; “10 minutes in and I shouted Epidural swear word!”.

I do not see why, as the older generation, we cannot, politely and gently give our views in such a situation. Ours must be one of few cultures where elders get little respect in this regard. However, her decision has to be accepted, silly though it is. What can be more reassuring when you have a young baby with all the anxiety and uncertainty that brings, than your own mum, who's done it all before and can feel relaxed about the process. So reassuring for parents and baby (as long as the basic relationship is good). Who was it who said 'It takes a tribe to raise a child'? Meanwhile I hope you can feel okay, as I am sure you will be needed, sooner rather than later, and can enjoy your grandchild..

Wow, a lot of judgement in a lot of these comments. More mutual respect. As you can tell from my user name, I consider grandparenting to be a blessing! BUT- I have several grandkids and the parents set various limits w each child- depending on if the Baby is their 1st or a later child (if they have another, they'll want help w #1), if there are a lot of germs flying around, any post-partum depression, and TBH, I've also sensed some "this is about out nuclear family" attitude the admittedly feels like marginalization (which so many of commenters resent), etc. My reponse has been, "God gave them to you. We're here when you're ready." In fact, that's what I've said for years. And I've considered volunteering at child care center to get "baby fixes".

HelterSkelter1

Yes 3 months is a long time to be in "quarantine". I was out pushing the pram in my small town very quickly. Chatting to anyone who looked in the pram at the most beautiful baby in the world! And my parents were able to come and see her while I was in hospital as I had the usual stay in the 70s of a week to get used to being a mum.

Times are so different now. Covid and lockdown probably caused some changes and we live in anxious times.

I first took my grandson out on his own without either parent (to B&Q of all places) when he was four days old. He's just fine, as is his relationship with his mother.