Daughter says no visitors for three months

Wow. I think I’ll have to stop reading this thread (and I advise the OP to do likewise at this point).

Humans are animals. We have evolved to live in families and social groups. Babies don’t need a lot of people but children need a lot more than a set of parents. This whole thing is just bonkers.

The idea of the "forth trimester" seems to have started in America. They suggest these are the reaction grandparents may bring with the if they are involved directly after birth.

Over-involvement and Unsolicited Advice: Many grandparents experience a resurgence of their own parenting memories, leading to strong urges to direct feeding, sleeping, and soothing.

Boundary Panic and Resistance: Older adults may push back on modern safety guidelines or vaccination requirements (like whooping cough and flu boosters) because they view rules as a challenge to their experience.Anxiety and Emotional Overload: The transition can reactivate old postpartum anxieties or unresolved birth trauma from their own past, sometimes increasing stress for the new parents.

Supportive Partnership: When managed well with clear communication, supportive grandparents (especially maternal grandmothers) act as a vital protective factor for maternal postpartum mental health.

We have four adult children with children and each has been a different experience. Especially with the first baby - while three months seems long your job is to support their choices as parents. In my experience the grandparents most willing to go along with the rules and support even choices they don’t agree with with a smile end up with the closest relationships. Newborns only need tbeir mums and a very distant second place their father. If they wish to be left alone to have at it let them

Children only need a set of parents

What is meant by ‘a set’?

Why are there so many single mums then?

Perhaps if you’re on your own, you might be a bit keener for GP’s to be around in the first three months.

StTrinians

Yes. My daughter told us when she was pregnant, but we were not allowed to tell anyone. This continued past the 12 weeks, indefinitely. When we said we would like to visit when the baby was born that too was forbidden. We felt very sad. It has completely ruined what should have been such a happy experience as first time parents and grandparents. Our daughter no longer contacts us, and we both feel that this treatment is due to social media. I am grieving, but there is no closure, and sadly, this kind of estrangement seems all too common now. We have had to accept that she has MHI, and move on with our lives. I am devastated at the loss of my daughter and my grand daughter. People without grandchildren don't really understand. I was sorry to hear that GlamGolfGran is going through what we suffered. I hope your outcome is better than ours has been. 2 years of pain so far, and little hope on the horizon. This is our experience of our first grandchild. They live abroad, so that complicates everything. Unfortunately, we have to let go, as there is just entrenchment and controlling behaviour pushback sadly. Good luck. You are not alone. Sending hugs.

I'm so very sorry that you are going through this, StTrinians. I know it's got to be heartbreaking. I also think my daughter has gotten this idea from social media. None of her friends have done anything like this. While I will respect her boundaries and not give any commentary on her choices, it has already negatively impacted my experience of being a grandparent. I've decided not to tell my friends that I'm going to be a grandparent for several reasons. I don't want to have to endure all of the questions and pitying comments that will come when they find out I can't see the baby for three months. I'm also wondering what the future will bring if she is already establishing such stringent boundaries. I'm going to be polite, but guarded, because A) I don't want to make things worse, B) I don't want to bond to a grandchild if I'm going to be boundaried out of having any kind of meaningful relationship with them. I'm just going to observe from a place of detachment for now and see what happens.

I hope your relationship with your daughter improves and you get to be a part of your grandchild's life again. Sending hugs to you as well.

3 months?

That's a lot!
If it's her first I'd honestly just think she's being cautious regarding healing, sleeping and establishing breastfeeding.

Please don't cut your nose spite your face. Let her crack on but please be there if she needs support.

Why are some posters taking the 3 months as if they are written in stone?

This is a mother who could be asking for space on her end, for medical purposes.

It is not personal and dna is not an exception to the rules.

It is almost a test who is truly your friend or your foe.
Who you have to watch out for or who to allow in your village.

Instead, judging by some reactions, no wonder why some space is needed.

It is sad a newly pregnant woman has to protect herself since the very beginning of her pregnancy, together with the inevitable morning sickness, exhaustion, etc.

She is supposed to enjoy her pregnancy if she wants, not worry about who is going to get to her baby and think she is unable to care for the child without unasked advice and visits.

Do babies expel pheromones or something?

I know a lot of young parents ask for 2 weeks after the birth so they can spend that time before partner returns to work settling into a routine with the new baby and I totally support that.
With each of my children I was overwhelmed with visitors day and evening and I should have said no no no !
However 3 months is a bit ridiculous in my opinion. I would bet that she will be on the phone to you before that asking for help .
Perhaps this is a boundary she has put in place for the inlaws . Who knows .
Personally I think it's a little bit risky , she needs to be careful she doesn't ostracise the very people she will undoubtedly need to ask for help later on . They may just set equally ridiculous boundaries of their own .

I just don’t see this as an issue to let the ego drive the response. Plenty of things regarding family can get a person all worked up. This isn’t a big enough deal to put anger behind. Let go and just go with the flow. The road of less stress and fewer big emotions is a happier one than the one with resentment and awaiting opportunities for payback on your children.

Very hurtful Iv had similar. My advise Bide time as she may well change when actually in it! We all can have realistic expectations especially when younger
Nothing to gain by reacting as hard as it is! Hugs

Just go with the flow.

This could be the perfect textbook baby or the new Mum could be weeping with tiredness and anxiety and decide she does need her mother's help after all. However, don't put your own life on hold because that could be a temporary phase.

monami

Tell you agree, and mention " no babysitting for life "

What a ridiculous response.

Tell you agree, and mention " no babysitting for life "

4allweknow

When I had children I was 100sof miles away. Family came to visit in the next year. Leave her to it, all this needing of grandparents is unbelievable. Yes, would be nice to visit for say an hour or two just to see the baby but I see nothing wrong with waiting 3 months. There may be pictures posted if they are in to that and if there is some sort of calamity you may be a choice to help out with you having respected their wishes.

Guess it depends on your family's dynamics....I have 4 GC .....was there when my DDs 2 children were born...saw my DSs 2 the same day they were born....see all my GC at least 5 days out of 7 each week....most of my friends have similar situations with their GC .....I work in child health and see GPs with their newborn GC .....if cocooned happens in my area I would say its very rare ....I'm UK NW

knspol

I think it's a very good idea for first time parents to exclude visitors for a while but maybe up to a month max. A new mum and dad do need to bond with baby but just as importantly they need to learn how to feed, wind, change nappies, get baby to sleep and develop a routine that suits them without sometimes pushy GP's descending on them giving conflicting advice and disturbing baby when just got to sleep etc. They may then develop the confidence needed to dismiss unwanted advice and know what suits their own baby best.
After a month or so then I think GP's and others would be welcomed so long as not all at once and this would help baby to get used to different faces, voices and smells.

My first reaction to your post is that it's bonkers because it's not that hard to do all that with a few visitors dropping in for short periods.

Then I thought of an article I'd read that suggested, due to less babies in families, often the first baby a person holds is their own and people have much less experience with babies.

I wonder if this leads to less confidence in first time parents and a sense that they need to isolate themselves to work it all out? I was very confident with my first but had also had lots of experience with babies and young children. I never worried about mothercraft and my ability to do it, so couldn't wait to show off my new babies.

3 months! I think many new mums would struggle without some help for 3 months. I remember once DH had returned to work (1 week after the birth of our baby) wondering when I would ever find the time to have a shower, wash my hair and go shopping for food! I did, obviously, but oh, how much less stressful my life would have been if someone came round to help. Your DD has no idea yet just how all consuming a new baby is, I think she will find that 3 months (or even 3 weeks) is so very hard on your own with a new baby. I'd be very surprised if she kept to it. Not all grandparents want to visit just to see the baby - I was quite happy to help with housework and take a meal round (and was invited by both my DILs to visit the day they came home from hospital, and offered a cuddle with our new grandchild too). Here's hoping you get invited round well before 3 months.

karmalady

Leave her to it, she is being ridiculous but as above, her child and her decision. Keep the distance and wait to be asked, each and every time, in the meantime just go about your normal life

She should relax when she realises that you are not intrusive and will not call on her without invitation.

Start from a detached point of view eg no knitting of small things, no buying baby clothes, just give them a money present to buy something for baby. Slowly she will see that she is being left alone and that will hopefully trigger her into calling on you to help

She wants detached, give her detached

My sentiments exactly. Leave her to it. See how she gets on.

I think the OP has to go along with the new parents’ decision - anything else could lead to unfortunate consequences. The OP should just continue to live her life, though. The world doesn’t stop simply because someone else has a baby!

I’d not heard of the term ‘cocooning’ before so looked into it. It seems to have begun in the USA in the early 2000’s, as a response to low vaccine rates in adults. The idea was that very young unvaccinated babies should be protected from exposure to Flu, RSV and Pertussis (whooping cough) via visitors who had not been vaccinated themselves. There was no blanket ban on visitors, just non-vaccinated ones. As far as I can tell from reports, it indeed helped prevent babies from becoming seriously ill with flu or pertussis.

Later on, advice for those adopting children included that the new family isolated themselves for a period with their new baby/child so they could all adapt to their new circumstances and get to know one another. This advice then became more widely extrapolated as applying to all newborns, which is where society has arrived today.

The pros of cocooning seem to be having time to bond with the baby, establish breastfeeding and limit exposure to bugs and germs.
Cons are social isolation, lack of help in the home and burn-out from the intensity of babycare.

People are allowed to control their own lives

Indeed they are.
We ALL are.

As I’d said, no battle lines, no threats, just be getting on with my own life quite sweetly.

Until a call comes along.
“You can come now”.

Oh really darling? How lovely. I will pop over just as soon as ever I can. Gosh I can hardly believe it’s 3 months already! It’s just flown by really hasn’t it? And of course I now have my new Yogaknit classes and your cousin has just invited us over to celebrate (whatever). Yada, yada.

Ach give over. This works both ways.
They made the rules.

I’d fit in as best as.

They know me. I’m not the mother in law to be kept at the gate. They KNEW my character already. They will have KNOWN I’d be there to help, make a fuss first of my daughter, then cuddle the baby, be helpful and get out of their hair. Or not - whichever suited them, they KNEW MEand knew I’d be happy to go along with whatever they wanted.

But to bar me? Just because they couldn’t put up boundaries with the other grandmother?
Spineless of the son in law.

Nope.
Not my problem.

They’d plenty of time to sort other grandma out before the birth. Ye gods.

"Grans don’t need to throw their toys out of the pram. We can leave that to the babes."

Masterful!

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Sorry but my instincts are that this is a form of controlling behaviour. It’s sad and wrong on so many levels. I know I’m speaking out and contrary to what many of you think.

I believe that folding like a ten dollar bill is enabling behaviour.

Do what you think, go along with it all if you must.

But ask yourselves in your hearts “is this normal?”.

I don’t think it is. And eventually, where might it end?
Jump?
Yes of course. How high would you like me to do so?

You’ll walk over eggshells so many times in future you won’t know where to place your own feet.

These new parents are testing their bluddy boundaries with their new fangled media driven rules.

I’d get on with my own life, quite sweetly. They will either come to you or they won’t. Yes of course it’s a chance you take. Life itself is full of risk.

I know I’m a bit of a lone voice here. But so be it. The alternative (for me) wouldn’t bear thinking about.

They are adults.
They are over 21.
But so are you.

Don’t give away your innate self esteem so easily.

This is all very dramatic.

People are allowed to control their own lives. Freedom of choice doesn’t necessarily mean freedom so long as others accept your choices.

There is no crusade or moral victory to be had here. The OP has nothing to do but accept her daughter’s request. The opposite of “folding” would be what? Turning up unwanted at someone else’s doorstep, proving she has no respect for her daughter’s autonomy? No need to manufacture battles. No need to create a drama. Life is complicated enough without using an offspring’s milestones to center one’s self as the main character. Grans don’t need to throw their toys out of the pram. We can leave that to the babes.

My eldest DGS was very premature and in NICU for weeks before going home, still with a feeding tube. For a very long time DD was so possessive, she didn’t even like her DH holding the baby. And through his toddler years she absolutely dreaded him enjoying the company of any other adult, because she perceived it as a threat that she may not be his favourite person. I used to have him one day a week and she used to wind him up, stretching out her departure for work, almost smug at his clinging and tears because it reassured her that he really didn’t want her to leave him. It took a very long time, and me eventually videoing DGS, to demonstrate that he had stopped crying and was absolutely fine within a minute of the front door closing, that we had a happy day together, and it didn’t mean there was ANY risk of him “loving me more”.

It was part of a series of issues around her fragile security, I hate to say mental health but looking back, the prematurity was more shattering for her than anyone realised - the baby was early, but strong and not adversely affected at all. And her marriage didn’t survive the stress.

Perhaps OP’s DD is similarly afraid of letting her child grow positive relationships with any wider family? If only she can believe that the more people truly love a child, and the child is free to love too, the bigger and richer that child’s world will grow.

surfsup

It’s the latest trend and quite ridiculous IMO but as others have said, just relax, get on with your life and don’t push the matter. There’ll come a time when she’ll want you for childcare.

I have only ever been asked twice in 25 years so not necessarily. Some parents do not leave their children at all.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Sorry but my instincts are that this is a form of controlling behaviour. It’s sad and wrong on so many levels. I know I’m speaking out and contrary to what many of you think.

I believe that folding like a ten dollar bill is enabling behaviour.

Do what you think, go along with it all if you must.

But ask yourselves in your hearts “is this normal?”.

I don’t think it is. And eventually, where might it end?
Jump?
Yes of course. How high would you like me to do so?

You’ll walk over eggshells so many times in future you won’t know where to place your own feet.

These new parents are testing their bluddy boundaries with their new fangled media driven rules.

I’d get on with my own life, quite sweetly. They will either come to you or they won’t. Yes of course it’s a chance you take. Life itself is full of risk.

I know I’m a bit of a lone voice here. But so be it. The alternative (for me) wouldn’t bear thinking about.

They are adults.
They are over 21.
But so are you.

Don’t give away your innate self esteem so easily.

Absolutely this, however it is sad not to see your child and grandchild more than once or twice a year. It hurts, but I have accepted that and lead a very busy life volunteering where I know I am appreciated.

If you think back over time, has your DD shared any MIL issues with you before? If she has then the issues will probably escalate during the pregnancy given the chance - maybe DD doesn't want her pregnancy & birth/first few months railroaded & trampled all over by MIL so she's setting the scene now. If this is the case then I don't blame her, they need to figure things out as parents first never mind everyone else wanting a say in it. I've been there, it was the last thing I wanted or needed but I'd seen it coming. DH took his mum's side which gave him the excuse he needed to let her play his part, had I known about cocooning all those years ago I would have done it.