Daughter in Law and false accusations

Follow Monica's sound advice ! Stand by your DH and do not provide child care in their house.

Silverma

She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021. When my son asked her to explain further she was vague, only saying that he said something like he wished she and I could swap. She is stating that this puts her and her children at risk. She has also texted the same to me and to a local children's centre.

Oh dear! What a daft woman. I daresay your DH comment was a bit saucy, but it could easily have been in jest and why didn’t she just call him out at the time.

2021 is quite a while ago to be stewing over some unfortunate and ill chosen remark and I don’t consider either her behaviour or accusations to be in any way normal.

MarieElla

If she's reported the above to the Children Centre I doubt they'd consider your grandson to be at risk.
If believed, they will simply consider your DH to be a 'dirty old man' or the like, but this doesn't mean he is a danger to your grandson UNLESS your grandson has said something concerning to his parent/s

I agree.

eazybee

Why is your son worried sick that he will lose the children?
If his wife is threatening to make false allegations about him, and also the child's grandfather, your son has to take action. He needs to seek professional advice, from a solicitor and also a doctor, and ensure that these threats are recorded.

Persuading you to comply with his wife's demands because "he knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more." will solve nothing, it will simply make you complicit, and an acknowledgement that your husband is in some way unsuitable to see his grandson.
If your son wishes to keep access to his children he has to face up to the situation now, not think about it, and take steps to protect himself from false allegations. Appeasing his wife will not prevent the situation from developing further.

I agree with eazybee.
A dreadful situation for you all.
Your son is a victim of domestic abuse, not generally recognised when it is the male. He should be recording incidents and verbal abuse. Often when the abuser is not ‘satisfied’ by the reactions the abuse intensifies.
Calling her bluff might have consequences that you need to prepare for, however I’m not suggesting you comply with her wishes.

Being the type of person that sounds emotionally unstable why has it taken her five years to come out with this allegation.
Did anything happen that made her say this for example did you say no to her for something she sounds very manipulative and unstable, I think your son should stand up to her, he is probably brow beaten how old are the children I agree about calling her bluff.

Where anything could become zero legal matter the best advice is "document everything". If something is said write it down as soon as you can, satexanc time stamp it noting the actual time and date it happened. Copy all messages onto a flash drive. If I was you is I would also suggest your son dies the same thing.

dies does

Also ... a legal matter. Zero? Very strange.

It would be sad for you and your GS not to see each other. He likely needs you now more than ever.
If it were me, I would go along with doing what she has said, seeing your GS ,n his home,on your own. However I would talk to your son and make it clear that you feel very uncomfortable with her accusations. I would also speak with her too.

Everything has been fine, perfect actually, up until a month ago. We were having my grandson at ours once a week. We have also had granddaughter a few times too. DIL was happy for her to come to ours every week. We suggested that while she is still young we could make it once a month. Then increase this when shes a bit older. DIL then decided her daughter would not come to us then as she " needs routine". We did not argue with this. Then about a month ago I asked if I could bring granddaughter here for a few hours. This is when everything went crazy and DIL started with the accusations.

So were the accusations about your DH, and what he said to her in the past? Or are they directed against your GD?

Silverma

My son really needs my help with childcare while he is working. DIL does little with the children. In a way, my son is, without intention, is putting pressure on me to do as she demands to keep peace in the short term whilst he thinks about how to deal with this. He has to be careful as he is worried sick that he will lose the children. So basically we are all in her hands.

With respect , your son (and you and DH) are allowing her to succeed in making you all behave like people guilty of child abuse.

She's making you keep quiet, when you should be doing the exact opposite. INFORM social services and police that she is using false accusations to coerce you.

If you don't get a grip on this, GS will pay the price. As soon as GS becomes old enough to challenge her or assert himself in normal childish ways, she will use coercive means tocontrol him. Children subjected to coercive abuse by their parent, face lifetime psychological consequences.

She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021.

Then she allowed him to have regular access as carer, to her m and f children for 5 years?

She'd have trouble convincing Social services, police or a court of that !!!

The accusations are not about granddaughter.

He has suffered her emotional controlling abuse for a long time. He knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more. I do not understand her agenda in all of this.

Her latest accusations about your DH are the next step in this abuse of your son. He should get some legal advice regarding the way forward and protection of your DGC.

Welcome to the echo chamber.

Silverma

She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021. When my son asked her to explain further she was vague, only saying that he said something like he wished she and I could swap. She is stating that this puts her and her children at risk. She has also texted the same to me and to a local children's centre.

Assuming you kept the text, it seems you could perhaps call Social Service, deline you and DH to be near the children until this is sorted.

butterandjam

*She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021. *

Then she allowed him to have regular access as carer, to her m and f children for 5 years?

She'd have trouble convincing Social services, police or a court of that !!!

Agreed.

What is your DH saying about all that is going on?

To be honest if my FIL had commented that he wished me and his wife could swap places I would have been utterly disgusted. It is a totally inappropriate comment and I would think twice about allowing access to my daughter. I probably wouldn't have said anything but I would have put obstacles in the way of regular meetings.
Obviously in this situation we don't know all the details as we are only hearing one side.

Silverma, could you clarify please - is your DIL concerned for her son’s welfare when being looked after by your husband? She claims that your DH made a risquè comment about her several years ago, yet both you and your husband have cared for your gransdson regularly since then with apparently no objection from your DIL.

Did the minor disagreement about caring for your granddaughter trigger the present situation?

LtEve

To be honest if my FIL had commented that he wished me and his wife could swap places I would have been utterly disgusted. It is a totally inappropriate comment and I would think twice about allowing access to my daughter. I probably wouldn't have said anything but I would have put obstacles in the way of regular meetings.
Obviously in this situation we don't know all the details as we are only hearing one side.

But how do we know he did say what she claims he said? The sort of person who makes that kind of remark is normally not the kind of person who makes one remark and never makes another and, as others have said. She was happy to leave her child with him for 5 years before saying anything.

Yes but as Delila says MOnica ,could Silverma starting to have her GD again have triggered the current situation with how the DIL feels.
I think LtEve has a valid point too.
And all acknowledge we don't know all the details.

I agree, if he had made such comment, it would be completely inappropriate and the matter would have to be addressed and dealt with. However, he did not make any inappropriate comment. I am very sure of that. There are always two sides to a story. In this case though it is simply that my DIL is lying. We have got caught up in this through no wrongdoing by us.

I think I am asking for advice on how to deal with the situation we have found ourselves in. Many of you have advised against visiting alone, some have advised to visit alone to keep contact with grandchildren. I think I will have to seek legal advice and go from there.
Its a very difficult, strange situation which my husband and I are not experienced in. We quite like drama free life. Obviously the main priority is the children.
I thank you all for your comments and advice. It really has helped me try to make sense of it all. Thank you x