Daughter doesn’t refer to us as Grandma or Grandpa

It crossed my mind that maybe your daughter has a bit of post natal depression. It all seems a bit obsessive on her part.

Shelflife

Well IMO you do need a title! We enjoy being referred to as Grandma and Grandpa. I think Grandparents should be able to decide what name/ title the GC knows them by. I may be shot down inflames now but I don't believe it is the parents choice! I decided my title - not my adult children. They are more than happy with our decision.

I’d imagine it’s only an issue If th e grands parents don’t like it. For the most part I think choosing grandparent titles is silly. You’re a grandparent. So grandma or grandpa it is. Beyond that you’ve a Christian name you didn’t choose either 😆.

The grands all call me grandma or sometimes Grammy when little. My own mum ages ago claimed to be to young to be called grandma and tried to pick a “title” I didn’t care for so I just called her grandma to the children and what do you know, that’s what stuck.

We also follow all her rules and ask before we do anything

Jolly good, keep doing that 🙂

I remember when a very young DGD2 kept trying to say 'Grandad' and not managing it. She got exasperated and said "Oh! Jim!" which she could pronounce.

I don't think any of that sounds concerning, I wouldn't worry about it at all. People raise their children differently and that's ok

My 18 month old grand daughter is learning to name things, she calls me banana and my DH Ro-ro. She does call her parents mama and dada but also calls every man she sees dada.
Love this age and don’t care what she calls us. Am happy to be a banana 🤣

Thank you for coming back and filling in some gaps, GrandmaBeesKnees.

As it has been decided what you will be called I do think you are overthinking the whole scenario. You obviously do have a "named" place in this little family and your problem appears to be that you aren't visible on your daughter's social media accounts.

If other relatives don't have their photos on social media it may be their choice. I do not want to be on my daughters' or sons' social media for example. I only use image-based social media for my work and don't want my image online elsewhere. If you want to see photos of you on your daughter's social media in your place I'd just ask her about it.

Could she have simply assumed you want to have control of your own photos online? I'm sure there's a simple explanation. It may be that she's using Instagram as a way to simply document her little one's growth and doesn't see it as a "family photo album". You say no family are in these online images so you aren't being singled out. The more I think about it the more I think this is the most likely reason.
Lots of mums seem to do this now.

I don't really see the "Yay" issue to be a problem to be honest. You did as asked and stopped doing it. His parents won't stop. His parents are the problem here.

My husband and I always checked things out with each other when we were hands-on parents.
When you say
our daughter has a need to be in control of her kiddo and husband. Her hubby double checks everything with her before he does anything with baby
- it may just be that she is the primary caretaker and he is just checking that he's on the same page with decisions. I don't think it's that unusual to have men check things. It may be controlling or it may just be their way of staying on track as parents. You won't change this. If they love each other it's up to them to work out how to function as a family.

I think you will be more relaxed about the way the family functions in time.
My thoughts (for what they are worth) would be that you are listening to your daughter and doing as she asks, you can take (and post online) photos of your grandchild if you want to. I would ask if she will take some photos of you with the little one with your phone then you can show them to friends and colleagues if you want to.

Sorry this is upsetting you but it does seem to be easily remedied from the outside.
Good luck.

Answering all questions: GC is 18 months, teaching littles who people are at this age, makes sense to me. We also don’t live in the same city, so at this point, we are basically strangers. This just feels weird that our D would not interact with GD to say who we are. We get around this when we speak with our GD, to say blah, blah, Grandma, etc.

Yes, we all decided together that I would be Grandma and Dad would be Grandpa. We don’t care what our GD calls us, she’s just learning to talk. Whatever she ends up calling us is fine.

Our daughter doesn’t mind that we take our own photos or post photos on social media. We just find it weird that when her husband’s siblings and their families visit, no photos of them, or all the little cousins together, no photos of the other grandparents. Her husband has to take photos of his family with baby. Before anyone says, “she’s busy looking after the house, baby, working, etc”, pulease. She’s constantly on her phone snapping photos of baby, just not interested in having family in her photos. I have a lot of co-workers my daughter’s age with kids. When I look at their social media, or if they show me photos on their phone, tons of photos of family with their littles.

Yes we walk on eggshells because our daughter has a need to be in control of her kiddo and husband. Her hubby double checks everything with her before he does anything with baby. As an example of her control, we were told at one point not to say “yay!” when GD did something or followed directions, because GD would clap and say, “Yay” back to us. Our daughter found this annoying. The other grandparents did this and would not stop.

Was this something we saw coming? No it wasn’t. Which was why I asked if it is odd we are not referred to in any way and she does not take photos of baby with ANY relatives. I wondered if anyone else had a similar experience.

MissAdventure

I always imagined the children called their grandparents their own version of granny or grandpa, or nanny and grandad.

I think it's a odd of old unnecessary twaddle, parents or grandparents deciding.

I would tend to agree...in fact what my son called my FiL was his own version of Grandpa. Also fine. I have no idea if my son would have minded if we had disagreed with us being called the same as my parents were called by him. But either way it just doesn't feel very important or worth a fuss. 🤔

I’m not really sure what the issue is here. At 18 months, I don’t think being told you are grandma would mean anything to a child, if your problem is that you are not been given ‘your place’ as a grandparent. I’m also wondering what the parents do call you when referring to you, and is it just a case of you not liking their choice.
Can’t you take your own photos with your grandchild, or are you feeling left out on social media?
I agree with others, don’t ‘sweat the small stuff’, and just enjoy being a granny!

Does your daughter refer to you and your husband at all?

Perhaps she hasn't thought about it. If you are "referring to" yourselves when with the grandchild, what's the problem? You might be over-thinking this. I'm sure the child will catch on.

I agree MissA ^unnecessary twaddle*.

i know this is not the same but i have 15 kids in the family that are supposed to call me auntie but i said no, call me by my name, my only gs can call me gran or my name, my dil had a child before she met my son and he was asked if he wanted to call me gran or my name and he uses my name, he is still my gs, it is not important to me and neither is pics of me with him, all i ask my s & dil is to take pics when they are away somewhere so i can see them. my gs is autistic and can only say a few words, he started school this year and i had not seen him, the smile i got last week when he ran in and saw me sitting there was priceless and so was the big hug, that was worth more than him saying gran.

I always imagined the children called their grandparents their own version of granny or grandpa, or nanny and grandad.

I think it's a odd of old unnecessary twaddle, parents or grandparents deciding.

Well IMO you do need a title! We enjoy being referred to as Grandma and Grandpa. I think Grandparents should be able to decide what name/ title the GC knows them by. I may be shot down inflames now but I don't believe it is the parents choice! I decided my title - not my adult children. They are more than happy with our decision.

Smileless2012

If you're correct grandtante what is the world coming too when GP's have to ask the parents of their GC what they would like their children to call them?

We were informed by our son what we would be called ...exactly what he called my parents as a child! Which was fine by us. I'm not sure that what they call you matters much. It's the relationship with the children that counts. These days I have to laugh when my fast growing up cooking mad 12 year old granddaughter busstles around my kitchen explaining "Nanny, the best way to make a roux/beat an egg/make butter icing/get nice light pastry etc etc" to me very seriously ..my having been cooking with her since she was 18 months old! And her 10 year old sister is fast catching up with the "teaching Nanny "new" cooking tricks" syndrome. 🤣 I'm just glad I still sometimes get the chance to spend time with them!

If you're correct grandtante what is the world coming too when GP's have to ask the parents of their GC what they would like their children to call them?

The children know you love them, your DD lets you visit... try not to be demanding of attention.. you are part of the family, just enjoy it..

Did you discuss with her what she wanted her daughter to call you?

Or did you just decided that you are Grandma and your husband presumably Grandpa?

If you told her, rather than asked her, I suspect the problem is that she dislikes either the names you have chosen or the fact that you did not have the courtesey to ask her opinion.

In your place, I would ask her nicely whether she finds Grandma too old-fashioned, and what she would like the child to call you.

I hope you can work something out.

MiniMoon, i think Dandy sounds just fine.
reminds me of a racehorse.
i'd stick with that.

as for OP, really ??

I have 7 grandchildren and very few photos of me with them. Do not be upset by it.
Mainly when I'm with them I'm involved with them and don't think about photos. If you really want photos maybe ask your husband or daughter to take some?

I don't have any photos of me with any of my grandchildren and I don't think it strange. As for not calling you grandma and grandpa, perhaps your daughter is waiting for her child to give you a name. My grandson has a speech impairment and for a long time he called me Dandy, his way of saying granny.

What do they call you? Don’t you like that name?
Are there other issues?
If you have a good relationship with your daughter and grandchildren, I wouldn’t worry about names or photos.

I think there is a problem.
Sounds like the op is "walking on eggshells"?

Unless it is literally only the problems the poster has listed.

Our grandchildren all call us by our first names.
We call our grandchildren by their names and my daughters and sons by their names. My husband and I use our first names with each other.

We love each other dearly and the children obviously know how the family fits together - even our youngest who was talking only the other day about her family... "my daddy, my daddy's daddy". It has no bearing on our hearts.

As Shakespeare wrote in Romeo and Juliet [Act11 Sc11]

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet,
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title.

Please don't be distressed by the names they call you by. Just be happy that you love each other.