Partner won’t accept my grandchild

I left my fiance in November because he had no interest in my family. I did whatever he wanted with his kids and (our) grandchildren expecting him to follow suit. Treated him how I wanted to be treated year after year. 23 years later - I’m out and free and relieved and happy!

None of my husband’s three children had children. My two had five between them. He always wanted me all to himself, but I was firm but kind about seeing them. When the first one came to stay, aged nearly 3, he loved it! Gradually he became close to the two eldest, and became a friend/mentor/counsellor. My granddaughter goes to university next month thanks to his influence. When he died in 2022 my grandson took it very badly and school arranged bereavement counselling for him. We miss him and talk about him often. Take heart - you never know what’s round the corner.

You say in your original post there are other issues. It's unlikely he will share your joy from what you described. Sounds like he doesn't share much with you where social things are concerned either. I cannot imagine having tip toe around him. Children are perceptive and I wouldn't want my grandchild feeling they were not liked or welcome

I would always put my son and grandchildren first. I did. Because of it my relationship ended.
My son and grandchildren are now living their own lives and don’t need me at all.
I now live alone and it can be lonely. We all have choices and we are all where we are because of choices we have made. You pays your money and you takes your choice!

My husband was never very interested in the grandchildren. To be honest he was never very interested in our own children, although that improved as they got older and more interesting. He wasn't very close to his own family either, he was an only child and they were a strange family really. Luckily the grandsons were too young to really notice his attitude, they just knew that he didn't like a lot of noise. They were all visiting on what turned out to be the day before he went into hospital for the last time and he made a real effort to talk to them and have a bit of fun. If they remember him at all now (two of them were very young) they will have a happy last memory.

Maybe some couples counselling would be useful if he finds it difficult to communicate?

Hmmn. This is a hard one, is this the only reason you are thinking of separating or is it the final thing, that has made you really think about splitting up? I ended a very loving relationship for several reasons but his attitude to my family was one of the deciding factors. His children, then in their teens lived abroad and only visited in the summer, when he gave them his full attention. My daughter a similar age was with me all the time, apart from when away at College. I realised that he wanted it to be just us nearly all of the time, he wasn't a social person, which isn't necessarily a fault but he also had hardly any friends and with those he had, the relationship was very superficial. I had my own home and it was also my daughter's home and I knew I'd always want her to be able to come back whenever she wanted. I realised he would never be happy with this and that if we got as place together he wouldn't want her living there, even temporarily. For me it was a deal breaker and I think it was right as I now have a grandson , born in Covid and they lived with me on and off for nearly a year! Go with your instinct, I think you know what you want to do.

If he can be who he is, regardless, then he should be prepared to expect you to do the same.

As thing stand at the moment Frenchie it seems that he dictates what he does or doesn't want and you accomodate his requirements. Any partnership/marriage is the coming together of 2 equals and while it is acceptable that as he has no blood relationship, he has no interest in your daughter and grandchild. But he in his case should accept how important they are to you and be happy to see you spend time with them.

This relationship sounds very unbalanced.

He didn’t have a very happy childhood, alcoholic father ☹️

Perhaps (like me) your partner may have unhappy experiences of "family life" and not see it as the universal blessing. Family life can be a drain and some people are just not interested in babies, birthdays, get-togethers and so on. If fact they may actually loath them and attend only as a duty. Its more honest to stay away rather than to attend with ill grace.

If your partner is behaving as though he were single (and I assume you are not married) then he is not pretending to be something he is not.

I would watch and wait and discuss the situation with husband. How will the baby affect your relationship with your husband?How much time will you spend with the baby? Every day and weekends or just twice a week? I wouldn't hold back time, love and attention to my grand baby in the meantime. After observation and for a few months, if he has a bad or worse attitude toward the baby than i would consider separation.

He might not be interested -:as much as you are in your grandchild ( Q. Is that child your v.first grandchild- because to you that's always going to be 'the special one. in all likelihood. ) - but he might be thinking -" I love her (IE you) - and I'm considerate to all her kids, but emotionally I've just got to draw a (fondness) line under those direct-children, and past that level - not bother with the next level" .
Sorry , but I don't know how many children you have had. Let's suppose it was three, and each of those three has three children themselves....so that's nine more people- plus the partners of those three people - makes a total of 12 people for him to now 'consider' at some level or another. Or, not bother. Because it's only you that he loves. Really loves & not obligated to 'politely consider' them.

Thank you everyone 😊

Well, you've had a few different perspectives, at least.

It may help you decide if it is worth continuing.

He lost his dad very very young

Frenchie100

Thank you everyone, like I say there is a lot more that has gone on etc but looking at it from his point of view is something I will do, he’s a very jealous man and I’d say gets funny when I see my daughter, hates our close relationship.
He hasn’t even no nieces/nephews so in his words doesn’t get babies…

If he is jealous of your relationship with your daughter perhaps despite his reticence he wants to be involved on some level. Could it be a case of FOMO?
He may never have had a family and is a bit of a loner but were those choices or just the way the cards fell?
Why not include him more without being too full on. Take it a step at a time.
Could be totally wrong, he may just not like family or babies, but is worth trying it to give it one last chance.

Seems as though he can only get more jealous as you become involved more with your family. Good luck.

Is it social housing? Ie can you move to a smaller property to ease the finance situation if he moves

It’s my house(rented) he moved in

Are you living in his house?

I won’t be moving, I can’t even believe he thinks I could leave my daughter and GC 😔
It’s not been great for a long time, I do worry about finances sadly

I am pleased that this is providing a safe space for you to describe your concerns and get some feedback. Remember that leaving a controlling partner can be a risky time. If you do decide that the relationship has reached its end, do take time to plan the exit. I hope you have friends who can help and provide support. (I have direct experience of this - I do wish you well.)

Frenchie, I recognise the description of your partner. My partner is also a loner, much preferring his own company to any other. Our first grandchild (born to my daughter) nearly 21 years ago brought a new dynamic to our family, being entirely positive. Initially, my partner was guarded and reticent to get involved. He’s a sensitive man and I now know he didn’t want to step on the toes of his ‘blood’ grandad. Time made all the difference and by the time the ‘baby’ was talking, they were inseparable. It seemed easier once he could see a little person with personality! Now, we have 4 grandchildren between us and he has so much love and pride for them all. It did take time and patience in seeing the connection blossom. Nothing forced. I’m sure you’ll get there together.

I really feel for you , i am deeply depressed at my situation and this is their real grandad, my husband, who i am talking about, as my son informed me, that he never shows any interest in our 2 grand daughters, they all come most weeks they are 10 and 5 ,well behaved gorgeous girls, and i honestly never noticed, we play games, cards ,colouring ,dolls etc admitedly its usually me who sorts out their drinks and eats and games, but he is usually talking to my husband obviously i havent said anything to my husband because i dont think its intentional and i do think he would be hurt but im now on tender hooks when they come ,as he also said he only comes to see me!

You have had some wise advice here Frenchie, so I will simply add to the voices saying " Do not move so far away", unless, of course, you want this.
I don't think that you do.