Overprotective parents with animals

I so agrre that children are" taught" to fear. Parents pass on their dislikes/stresses without realising the effect, no fault of their own, simply happens, bit like osmosis.
Luckily , never had that problem in our family, they are all more than happy to be out, dirty, surfing, whatever, as children should.

I wonder what makes people make unhelpful passive aggressive comments

What will the DGC be like if school visits a farm, outdoor project or has projects involving creepy crawlies, will they even ve allowed to take part. Your DDI needs some counselling about nature.

It would seem quite sad that they are so scared of many animals and insects and don’t like getting dirty but I sense that your real problem is with your DiL -calling her ‘the boss’ for example and comparing her with your DD.
Many adults are sensibly wary of horses and dogs in particular. They are both potentially dangerous and it’s sensible to be cautious. Why not simply try to enjoy the positives about your grandchildren, be grateful that you have them and accept that things are what they are rather than wishing they were different.

So sad to hear of such fears among the young. My DG will pick snails up to see if they are at home (or whether they are gone). She will try anything because of her parents and grandparents encouragement. She's not keen on worms, but has been persuade to examine a slug. Age 2 1/2. I was brought up to be anxious about everything so I'm doubly glad to see her.

I am not particularly fastidious and there are always two or three dogs about the place, as well as birds of prey, snakes and other wildlife. My young used to bring their children down as babies in order that their immune systems could be boosted!! Seems to have worked - they are never ill.

I feel very sorry both for your DIL and your grandchildren.

I, too, know people who are afraid of all animals or of insects or both. And I have always wondered at the mentality of a person who is so scared of anything, encouraging the same fear in their children. I don't suppose they do it deliberately, but to me it is wrong to go through life being afraid of things you don't need to fear.

Obviously, it makes sense to teach children that many animals are stronger than humans, especially a child and that it is stupid and can be dangerous to go too near a horse, cow, sow, or a strange dog, but these rules can be taught without making children afraid.

If your DIL had ever had to teach a class of twenty-six girls, all having hysterics because a wasp had got in to the classroom, I imagine she would have realised that it makes better sense to bring children up to know how to deal safely with animals and insects.

Oh dear the dreaded typo. “Quite a few kids that age with loud phobias “ not Los phobias whatever that is. I do wish we’d get an edit button!

Children get dirty it’s a way of it but the truth is some people just are scared of insects etc. same for large animals such as horses. I perfectly admit I can’t stand a dog - a slobbery and always have a smell to me, horses are pretty at a distance and up close a bit intimidating though I can manage as I grew up in a family of riders. And Lord knows I had all sorts of exposure. My own family even got an irritating little yappy dog when I was in secondary school. Your son was right not to push a dog his partner didn’t want - a thing like that should be something both partners agree on or it’s a no. One can’t really compromise on half a dog. I think overall your grands will be fine and over time hopefully be at least better able to manage. It seems at their ages I’ve known quite a few kids with lots of Los phobias. They may never grow into nature lovers but they’ll be able to manage I’m sure.

Absolutely, Nannashirlz - my late MiL always used to say 'a mucky bairn is a happy bairn'!

So many poor dogs are rehomed or put to sleep after a baby arrives because the woman is paranoid about germs or the dog attacking the baby, even though it's the soppiest creature going.

I’m sure this family thought their dog was ‘the soppiest creature going’
amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/article/2024/jun/19/seven-month-old-baby-girl-dies-after-being-bitten-by-familys-dog-in-coventry

My daughter inlaw is like that with my youngest granddaughter she doesn’t get dirty she cries if just one bit of dirt on her hands and my other dil with my grandson hes always out in the mud digging worms etc but his mum is a gardener when my other dil saw him she said he’s dirty I said yes but happy and quickly in shower and not worried about being dirty after all it’s easy to clean

As another farmers daughter I am sad your GCs are afraid of cats and dogs, although a healthy respect (not fear) for cows and horses (think Princess Anne) is perhaps sensible.
I can understand the spider thing - they move so fast. If you've ever had one run up your arm and disappear inside the neck of your blouse I can quite understand your fear . (I never did find out where it went afterwards!). All the same, we have to live with them, and we need them to keep our planet alive.
What can OP do to help her grandchildren to learn to live with these creatures? Would it help to talk openly with DDIL and offer to take the children on outings to learn about them?
If so - how? Where do you go to learn about creepie crawlies?

That is so true, children are taught fear. My great grandson as a wee one would happily go round our garden and look at spiders and crawlies with his Papa. Then over the years ( because his father is afraid of spiders) he has become terrified of them. We are slowly getting him used to them again but its sad to see.

Not all fears are passed down . I’m fine with any creepy crawlies as is my DH and my DS but my DD had a really fear and goes nuts if a spider or bee, wasp is near her , we don’t know where it’s come from . She’s better now since she’s left home but she’s thinking of having hypnotherapy for it.
We’ve had dogs and cats for 30 years plus rabbits and hamsters which they had to care for ,so my DC have no fear of animals , dirt or mess . They also have no allergies, or asthma and are very rarely ill , even when young . My neighbour whose DC were the same age were always ill, had allergies and asthma . The mum has always been extremely houseproud and had a fear of germs . Sadly one DS also has fear of germs .
Back to dogs my SIl had a fear of dogs which she passed down to her DC . They’re 16 s and 18 now and are still wary of my dog, who’s a soppy Labrador.
My other neighbour rehomed her sons dog because her dil couldn’t cope with a dog and a baby . And she was a sahm .

I really don't like things without legs - snakes, slow worms, even earthworms. My parents and brother no problem, so must be innate. I used to pick spiders up quite happily in front of my children until one bit me, fortunately when they weren't around. My sons not worried, but my daughter is terrified of spiders, as is her daughter, her son not bothered, but really scared of snakes, much worse than me. Seems rare to be scared of both. All love our cats, and DD has a loopy cocker spaniel.

But going back to fear of germs, we had a tragic episode at our neighbour's house, three year old found dead in bed due to an ECHO virus, and nine months later her second child also found dead after a nap. She was germ obsessed, house always reeked of bleach, and there was a tentative comment from the medics about them having had no chance to build immunity.

When DGD was about 2 a very large dog bounded up to her when they were out for a walk and knocked her right over on to her back then stood over her licking her. She has been nervous of dogs since then although they have bought a puppy themselves and thst has helped..

My two lads were brought up on a smallholding sheep ducks geese dogs and cats When younger sons first son was born he went ballistic shooing our dogs away Including when he was about nine months old a sweet and gentle puppy. As a consequence he became scared of dogs and son was surprised when I explained it did not help when he went over the top shooing the puppy away. At age nine grandson still very wary of dogs and sadly our dogs just now ignore him

I think it's terribly sad to influence children to be scared of everything. As a 5 year old not long after the war I remember seeing canal boats full of bananas up the Lea Navigation Canal in East london. We used to stand on the banks and the men would throw us hands of bananas as a treat. One day I saw a man jump and yell in panic as a very large tarantula crept out of the bananas and I have been scared of spiders ever since. I made a huge effort not to pass this on to all my kids and luckily they all seem confident with animals of all sorts.

Glorianny

annodomini

My DGGD, now a 2-year-old, has been brought up with the family dog, a lively terrier. Sometimes I think the poor dog is more at risk from the child than vice versa! She is crazy about dogs and what worries me is that she is liable to go up to any dog and try to make friends. How to discourage her without making her scared?

My DGS is like this. We told him that dogs are like people, and some don't want to be touched ,and as they can't speak and tell you that, you always have to ask the owner if it is OK to touch their dog.

Exactly this. Yes, you need to teach dogs how to behave around children, but it's just as important to teach children how to behave around all animals - to treat them with respect and realise that they are not toys. Anyone - child or adult - should always ask an owner if it is ok to touch their dog. You wouldn't just go up to a stranger in the street and touch their child - the same should apply to dogs.

If it really causes problems which impinge on life generally then there are desensitisation programmes available with psychologists.

Glorianny

Some children just don't like certain things. I've known children who didn't like the feel of playdough, children who didn't like getting messy. My mother hated the feel of feathers and was terrified of birds, no one knew why. It certainly didn't come from my gran who owned a succession of budgies as she got older.
My niece had premature twins and one was reluctant to touch the grass, she said premies are very sensitive to touch and to textures. I think some fears are simply part of the child.

One of our DGD is terrified of spiders for no reason whatsoever. Her sister held a tarantula on the palm of her hand at a well-supervised "mini-monsters party".

annodomini

My DGGD, now a 2-year-old, has been brought up with the family dog, a lively terrier. Sometimes I think the poor dog is more at risk from the child than vice versa! She is crazy about dogs and what worries me is that she is liable to go up to any dog and try to make friends. How to discourage her without making her scared?

My DGS is like this. We told him that dogs are like people, and some don't want to be touched ,and as they can't speak and tell you that, you always have to ask the owner if it is OK to touch their dog.

Some children just don't like certain things. I've known children who didn't like the feel of playdough, children who didn't like getting messy. My mother hated the feel of feathers and was terrified of birds, no one knew why. It certainly didn't come from my gran who owned a succession of budgies as she got older.
My niece had premature twins and one was reluctant to touch the grass, she said premies are very sensitive to touch and to textures. I think some fears are simply part of the child.

My DGGD, now a 2-year-old, has been brought up with the family dog, a lively terrier. Sometimes I think the poor dog is more at risk from the child than vice versa! She is crazy about dogs and what worries me is that she is liable to go up to any dog and try to make friends. How to discourage her without making her scared?