Advice please. We were invited over to granddaughter & partner’s house for coffee after a family day out. They rent a small modern house and have absolutely everything they need - we’ve all helped them to set up. I’m concerned though - they’re a lovely couple who have, I know, busy lives/jobs. The house yesterday was a complete mess - even though lovely Christmas tree etc - stuff everywhere, Not as if we weren’t expected. It concerns me that they’re overwhelmed by domestic life & neither of them can or want to get a grip on it. Does it matter? I don’t know - it shouldn’t, and everyone’s tolerance of mess differs. I don’t want to offer my help because would seem like criticism. They’re capable people. Does anyone else have this dilemma? What to do?
some little office clerk how dismissive and condescending is that. A young woman just doing her job, probably as instructed by her employers, only to get a tongue lashing she will never forget. You sound like a right bully.
7hgu
My DS is married to a hoarder. This isn’t just mess. Nothing is allowed to be thrown away. It’s a real, psychological problem. So difficult for him. Anyone else had this in their family?
Yes my Mum's partner managed to fill a 6 bedroom house, a double garage and workshop along with a summer house and a shed. My Mum wasn't a saint either. His obsession with recycling meant that he wouldn't throw away anything which might be recyclable even though there were was nowhere to do so in our area. I had to sell the house which meant he had to move to a small bungalow and I can tell you that he almost had a nervous breakdown over it. In the end, we got him to take the stuff he definitely wanted and disposed of the rest. He just couldn't do it.
My DS is married to a hoarder. This isn’t just mess. Nothing is allowed to be thrown away. It’s a real, psychological problem. So difficult for him. Anyone else had this in their family?
I think of housework as a complete waste of my abilities. You clean something and it needs cleaning again in a few weeks. Thats why I have a cleaner.
People take my home as they find it and if they dont like it they need not come again.
A few years ago when I was renting I had some little office clerk from the agency come to do an "inspection". These are supposed to be to assess the need to any repairs or damage to the fabric of the building or overt signs that the lease is being broken. Such as evidence of sub letting/running a business/keeping disallowed pets, etc. She made some snippy comment about my kitchen being cluttered. I gave her a tongue lashing she will never forget and more or less threw her out. I also reported her to the manager of the agency as being "in need of further training".
No one ever did any more "inspections" after that.
It seems to me that the OP’s invitation to coffee was not pre-planned, but even if it was the state of the house is none of her business. I never cease to be amazed that anyone would air the perceived failings of family members on social media. I pity those who are criticised in this way behind their backs.
VioletSky
It's just a mistake
No big deal
I think this refers to Hitheres last comment and subsequent comments on that?
Not a big deal per-se, but generally helpful to point out a mistake in case it takes the thread off on a tangent which isnt helpful to the OP.
Nothing personal and a genuine question re what the parents have to do with it in case I had made a mistake and missed something, especially as Hithere is a generally an astute poster who goes to the nub of many issues pretty clearly .
I've tried to find it but only found this thread:
www.gransnet.com/forums/house_and_home/1305169-Messy-House-Messy-Life-Thread
Baggs - there was a "messy mind" comment on another thread recently - also linked to the idea of a messy home. I don't think it was linked to a messy life in that instance...
I can't remember which thread it was but I did find it ludicrous.
I wrote further up the thread of the loving and clean chaos that operates in DS's home. As said the children are loved and cherished and the parents, after over 20 years of marrieage are as close as ever.
For the last week they have been staying with us, and all I would say to the Op, is just wait. All it takes is time. My eldest GD is 16. She can cook, she can sew, and she is highly organised and dreams of having a home of her own that would be beautifully tidy.
As it is she is quietly taking over. Not in any worried or concerned way. One day her parents will wake to find her organising them and their lives and keeping them all neat and tidy. It is a joy to watch!
welbeck
of course you shouldn't need to help with their housework.
she's got a husband, he lives there, why isn't he doing it ??
Her husband works very long hours. When he was home caring for my daughter, he did the housework. However, as a family they had a choice. They could live in abject poverty on benefits with a clean and tidy house or he could bring in a reasonable wage but the housework would not be done. He is hoping that one day they will be able to afford a cleaner!
A mess is OK by me they have to live it, if it was dirty, rotting food, kids unwashed I would be concerned,
that was re icanhandthemback's comment.
got detached in this fast-moving thread !
of course you shouldn't need to help with their housework.
she's got a husband, he lives there, why isn't he doing it ??
halfpint1
I chose the word wokeness because everyone seems afraid of giving an opinion which might offend. I once remarked to my daughter that her living space smelt of drying clothes which could lead to damp, which would be bad for the kids. They sorted it out.
Grandparents in the past were known for practical observations for good or bad and most families were able to take it.
Perhaps avoiding offending family is a good thing if you value your relationships more than the need to give your opinion (which does not seem to have been sought by the young couple in the post). I brought up four children and worked full time so things were chaotic at times and if visitors didn’t like it they didn’t have to come again! Now all my family live in reasonably tidy homes as do my husband and I so no harm done.
Interesting how often “wokeness” is invoked as a reason to be rude or impose unwanted advice or opinion.
Dd and SiL’s house is often very messy (dd often calls it ‘carnage’) but they both work full time, and the 3 children are healthy and happy, and it’s very evident that lots of friends - both adult and children - are frequent visitors who enjoy being there.
Over Christmas dd sent me a pic of an adult female neighbour flaked out asleep on one of their sofas! Personally I’d call it a compliment if anyone feels comfortable enough to do that in your home.
It's just a mistake
No big deal
Hithere
It is not the gd's messy house, it is also the parents'
Why do some grandparents chose to ignore the fact the kids have parents?
Um ...the granddaughter is an adult living with her partner. What have her parents got to do with it?
I have a good relationship with my daughter and son-in-law. They are busy with work and two young boys. I often ask if there is anything I can do to help and they are grateful. When they visit me they help with cooking, washing up etc. I think it all depends on the relationship you have.
The saying 'it takes a village to raise a child' springs to mind.
But what if the untidy and messy is accompanied by dirty and being unhygienic? If you want to rinse out a mug before accepting a cup of tea and you wouldn’t want to walk on the carpet barefoot? If the grandchildren aren’t bathed or hair washed and dirt under their uncut nails. What do you do then? 😢
No. Mess doesn’t matter. Not a bit We’ve had a warm, comfortable family time at our son’s home. It’s rarely tidy. His life allows little space for tidying. He had planned to prepare for lunch yesterday. Instead he spent the day with his own teenagers and unexpected extras of five additional friends of one of them. It mattered not to him that he was still making his traditional Christmas pie when we all arrived and there was general
lack of preparation. He’d put people first yesterday. We all helped with the table setting and cleared the space we needed. Everyone was relaxed and happy. If I’m honest he coped far better than I would have. We’re proud he’s so totally unflappable and sees people not mess. Your granddaughter is probably the same aj. If she’s not worried there’s no need for you to be.
It doesn’t matter - they’re young and have their own set of priorities. Domestic chores are probably way down their list of things they want to spend their time on. I wouldn’t give it another thought AJGranma.
Does it matter? No.
Housework will still be there when we are long gone. If I was young, had a good job, no kids id be spending my spare time enjoying myself.
In my world a messy house is a messy mind is a messy life.
The converse of this is that a hyper tidy house signifies an empty mind.
It's also worth remembering, perhaps, that most Life is messy. That is why it's so fascinating.
I would be more than happy to get an invite rather than them -
a- feeling they can't have visitors due to house not being spick and span
b- being too busy tidying and cleaning to see me
just enjoy being with this lovely young couple!
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